Dealing to Healing

Generational Curses

I was asked the question the other day, “How is a generational curse broken?” That is a great question. I want to give you my interpretation and explanation of this question.

First the term “generational curse” sounds worse than it is, it’s not a curse. Curses are intentional, generational curses are not intentional. The “curse” is innocently passed on traits, habits, thoughts, beliefs, and characteristics from our ancestors. Those things are passed down to us through our parents and generations before them. From birth, we learn from our environments. It’s why I say being racist, homophobic, hating, and other toxic traits are taught.

We are born innocent without thoughts based on other people’s words or actions. It’s only when we start learning words and defining our feelings that we develop the traits we are taught and not who we are which is our true self.

For me, my learned concept of love was it’s okay to be in relationships with those who did not give me what I needed. I learned to settle. I learned that if I do ABC then they will love me and the more I do, the more they love me. Not true! That was my mother’s thoughts and beliefs. It was her concept of how to be loved. Where did she learn that? Her mother believed that if you take physical and emotional abuse from a man and keep your mouth shut (because it’s the early 1900s) that it will be okay and that was her concept of love.

The “curse” is broken when someone in the lineage understands that everything dysfunctional and toxic is no longer acceptable. We understand we are not our mother, grandmother, or great. We know we don’t have to do as they did, think as they thought, or believe as they believed. We understand there’s a better way, a healthier way, and we can stop the process and break the patterns.

We have permission to be our true selves. We do not have to believe, think, feel or make choices based on those before us. I encourage anyone resonating with this to find the dysfunction in your family tree and be a generational curse breaker!

Survivors or Superheroes

I identify as a survivor. On each Dealing to Healing social media platform, my bio reads the same, “Survivor of abandonment, narcissists relationships, trauma & addiction.” The first definition of survivor is a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died. A second definition is a person who copes well with difficulties in their life.

Survivors deserve medals and the highest recognition for their strength. The strength of a survivor is a strength that compares to no other mortal. Maybe because they’re superheroes. We’ve endured more than most or what should be allowed. Our long-suffering has been ongoing since birth. We have fought to be seen, heard, and to breathe. We’ve been left for dead more than once with nobody around to save us. We’ve picked ourselves up from the ashes and reinvented ourselves over and over again. We are real-life superheroes that often don’t get recognized unless we are saving someone else and then it’s often forgotten.

If you meet a survivor, that superhero in disguise, take note, they are people of resilience. You won’t kill them with your toxic traits, you’re not the first to be toxic in their life and you probably won’t be the last. Broken promises? They have cut their teeth on broken promises. It’s why they don’t believe most people most of the time. They’ve built walls to protect themselves from pain. Indescribable pain that often cannot be cured.

But because of their wounds, battlefield scars, and the medals that hang around their necks, they are helpers, protectors, and healers. They may not be great at helping, protecting, and healing themselves but they are experts with others. They know how to pick people up from the gutters of death and breathe life into them. They know how to protect those without a voice. They are natural-born healers to almost everyone they meet.

If you know a survivor that real-life superhero, let them know you recognize them. Appreciate and applaud their strengths! Celebrate them for their boundaries and for removing toxic folks in their life, even blood relatives. Give them love, kindness, and compassion because those are their favorite gifts. Let them know you’re thankful for their survival skills and happy they made it out alive. Go on tell yourself superhero!

Fear Not

Next month I’ll be certified as an Enneagram cohort. While I was in class last month, we learned when fear comes up in us, it often dictates our thoughts and actions.

When we think of fear, we may think of physical harm or danger but the fear from our being is what surfaces when we are not aware.

When we are not aware, we are not in a state of consciousness. Being conscious means we are aware of our thoughts and emotions and we are not being our thoughts and emotions.

Some of the basic fears we experience depending on your type may look like the following. If you resonate with one or more, just be aware if this fear is dictating your thought or emotion.

Being destroyed or being violated.
Losing my world, being cut off from everything.
Of being “bad”, corrupt, unredeemable.
Of being loveless, that there is no love
Being worthless and deficient (without inherent value).
That I have no identity.
To be lost in ignorance & senselessness
Of being without orientation (lost) without support & guidance
Of deprivation & being trapped in emotional pain.

When we practice understanding why we are upset, bothered, or mad about a situation and then step outside of the situation, we can often identify the fear that is dictating the emotion or thought. We don’t have to judge it just identify with what is driving that emotion or thought.

Instead of being upset because someone didn’t call us back, identify why we are upset. What is the fear that is driving the emotion? And then know that fear is nothing trying to become something.

If you are interested in learning more about the Enneagram, please feel free to reach out to me.

The Tribe Vibe

Finding and attracting our tribe is one of the best tools we can have for healing and our emotional health. It’s important to find those with who we can share our darkest truth and they don’t extinguish or diminish our pain by changing the subject or judging us for our truth.

Find a tribe that understands we all struggle. Everyone has something whether they know it or not but the ones who acknowledge it and say “that’s me” and then work on it, that’s who I want in my tribe. Truth seekers are not afraid to dig down where the pain is and go through the healing process to be better.

Find a tribe that understands our sound of silence. One person’s silence may mean depression, while another’s silence may mean studying. Knowing the sound of silence helps us support our tribe.

Find a tribe that supports your passion. It doesn’t matter if they cook, write, sing, or paint. Whatever they do, support them. If they cook, buy their food. If they write buy their book, if they sing buy their music. Whatever it looks like to support them do it. Remember when we were kids and did fundraisers for school? We went to the people we knew that were going to support us and buy our stuff. Find those people in adult life.

Find a tribe that will accept you and all parts of you. The ones that make you feel at home in your heart, soul, and mind. Find your tribe and don’t stop searching for them because they need you just as much as you need them.

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin,but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

Feeling Myself

I’ve been sharing some of my childhood trauma with you this week. Abandonment trauma and emotional neglect are real. Just because we never receive it as a child and sometimes through our adult years, that doesn’t mean we don’t crave and desire it.

People who grow up with less still desire more. It’s why nobody wants to live in a poor neighborhood. Even though they’ve never lived in a middle-class or rich neighborhood, they still know there’s more and better. And we know even as a child there’s something we are missing in the emotional department.

As we grow from infants, and adolescents to adults we keep waiting for that “missing piece” to come to us and fulfill us but sadly sometimes this never happens because we do not attract it. We attract what we have grown accustomed to and that’s emotional neglect and people abandoning us.

It’s taken me a very long time but I’m happy to report I believe my magnet for attracting the toxic, emotionally neglecting, abandoning traitors has been broken. I’m not gonna pinky promise you because remember I’m journeying to the land of “Healed” just like you but I’m feeling super hopeful.

When I expect someone to say “You’re doing a great job”, recognize me for my efforts , or just say how much they love me. As soon as I feel that expectation, I don’t wait for it to be said to me, I tell myself those words. If we wait on someone to say, “I think you’re doing amazing and I love you.” we are going to be disappointed. Think about it, when is the last time someone told you those words or something similar?

Waiting on a hug? Hug yourself. Waiting on words of affirmation? Tell yourself. Waiting on quality time? Spend quality time with yourself. If we pour into ourselves as much as we have poured into others, I promise you it’s a game changer. We must love ourselves more than anyone so we can attract people who love us and give us what we desire.

Hang in there! We’re going to make it. I can see the land of “Healed” from here.

The Missing Love Language

Earlier in the week, I shared some of my trauma-related events as a child. If you missed it then the highlight of the story was my emotional needs were not met by my parents due to there were more important things in their life such as work, church, and narcotics. Anything that your parents or spouse puts before your emotional needs, it causes an abandonment wound.

What I’ve learned through therapy and from my awakening is the trauma we experienced as a child is often what we want the most as an adult.

I have a friend that wanted a puppy at the very young age of five years old. She thought she was getting it until the puppy passed right before her eyes from her father’s arms to the arms of his boss. He gave away the puppy she wanted so badly right in front of her. It was traumatizing for my friend. She tells in detail how much it hurt her and even changed her. Now as an adult she has multiple dogs and cannot pass by a dog without stopping to pet and talk to them.

I’ve thought about that story multiple times and applied the same principle to my life. What is it that I love and want more than anything because it was missing from my life as a child? I have concluded quality time. It’s one of the 5 love languages. If you’re not familiar with the 5 love languages they are:

I love quality time with friends and family. If you’ve ever attended one of my parties then you know I say “just come”. I’m not as concerned with gifts or the other love languages as much as time. Watch what people do for you and that’s what they want from you. It’s important to them because maybe they didn’t get it as a child or it’s presently missing from their life.

We can improve our relationships by giving friends and family what they need. The love language they missed as a child. That child is still in us and we still have the need.

If you want to know more about The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman then click on the link.

It was Traumatic

Sometimes we are not even aware of how traumatic an event was in our life until we talk about it. It’s why I’m a huge advocate for therapy. Until we find a safe space to open up and share our stories then we are often not aware of just how bad it was for us.

I was sharing the other day with a friend some of my traumatic events. I’m going to share a few with you.

My parents had a very dysfunctional relationship. They slept in separate rooms by the time I was in 1st grade. They fought and talked about each other behind each other’s backs to me.
When I was 10 years old they divorced and I was made to choose. I lived with my mother but I wanted to live with my daddy.
They were emotionally immature and according to my therapist I came out of the womb saying, “Nobody knows what the hell they are doing.” and they didn’t. I was a responsible and emotionally mature at an early age.

These are all very traumatic events for a child. Not only is it traumatic but these specifically caused an abandonment wound. Just because both parents are in the same household does not mean it’s a healthy functional relationship. Emotional abandonment is real. If your parent’s career, narcotics, church, friends, hobbies, etc..was more important than taking care of your emotional needs, that’s abandonment.

When we don’t have role models in our lives to show us how to have healthy functional relationships it causes us trauma. Trauma along with abandonment wounds allows us to make poor choices. We make choices based on what is familiar. Doesn’t matter if it’s dysfunctional, we pick it because it’s comfortable for us. We believe our picker is broken because we haven’t been taught how to make good choices. Then when the dysfunctional relationship erupts like a volcano, we struggle with the “W’s”. Why? When? What now?

We will keep repeating the pattern until we have broken it. But easy, let’s not judge ourselves based on the decisions we made through our ignorance. We didn’t have healthy parents or role models. We were thrown into dysfunctional situations at a very early age that was too complex for our young minds. It’s not our fault but the healing is our responsibility. Our caretakers did their best with their toolbox. We need to let go of anger and resentment because they did not intentionally put this generational curse on us. Their parents had some toxic traits too that just got passed down.

In the words of Alanis Morissette

You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn

Deflection Behavior

Do you know someone who will get mad about something simple? Have you ever told someone something and they changed their attitude towards you but you didn’t know why? Have you ever shared something and the next thing you know they are bringing up something from the past? I have experienced all of these situations.

Some people will not tell you the truth and be transparent with their feelings. They will not say “I’m jealous” or “I’m feeling insecure about this.” We don’t often hear those sentences but we do hear blaming, shaming and deflecting their feelings.

This is called Deflection Behavior. The definition is a defense mechanism that involves redirecting focus, blame, or criticism from oneself onto another person, in an attempt to preserve one’s self-image.

So when you say “I bought a new car.” Instead of them saying “Congratulations!” and being happy for you, they are jealous but they can’t say that so they’ll say something like, “You should’ve bought this brand or that brand.” Now they are redirecting their jealousy to try and make you feel like you bought the wrong one by shaming you. Or maybe they will suddenly cancel plans with you.

You may or may not ever get the truth out of them. I did once because their anger made zero sense to me so I confronted them in person. Looked them right in their eyes and said.”What is the real issue here because I know you are not so simple that you are mad about what you are saying you are mad about?” They confessed what bothered them and it had been bothering them for years. It was jealousy!

Don’t be deceived by these people’s actions. They are deflecting their unhealthy feelings and what they are doing or saying has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to stay awake to try and figure it out, watch the pattern. If they do it once they’ll do it again. Don’t overthink it either because their words are empty and not the truth.

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Ephesians 5:6

Real Power

Knowing who you are with humility is real power. Being humble enough to be in a subservient position is powerful. Power is not a title, power is not flashing cash, and it’s not the house you live in or the car you drive. Red bottom shoes, Gucci belts, 5-star restaurants, or how many followers you have on social media.

The internet and social media have changed the game in our culture. It’s as if everyone is racing to see who’s got the best, the most and it’s infinite. Power is not a display of material things, being selfish, taking risks, and ignoring advice from experts or specialists.

Power is serving others not to be confused with people pleasing. If you’re a people pleaser you are doing it for yourself, to make yourself feel better. If you are a servant you are doing it for others from a place of love.

History shows that those who misuse power for themselves will always fail. We know what happened to Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Vladimir Putin is going down as being a destructive leader due to misusing power. But let’s go back a little further, let’s go back to when Lucifer an Angel assigned to serve decided to challenge God with power. Isiah 14:12 will tell you all about it.

Power is being missed. Let me explain. If you are in a subservient position and you stop doing for others, they will miss you. You know you miss your hairdresser, manicurist, pedicurist, and massage therapist when they quit, disappear or retire. Some of y’all wouldn’t know what to do if your housekeeper quit. And I’ve seen grown men cry when their bartender wasn’t working.

If you wanna know how much real power you have then stop doing it for others and see if they miss you. If they don’t miss you then you are contributing zero to the relationship. And vice versa, if someone walks out of your life and you don’t miss them that means they were contributing nothing to you. Real power is love, giving and being in a subservient position not for self-interest.

Still I Rise

There was a tweet from a therapist regarding whether therapists should tell their patients “I’m proud of you.” The tweet became a conversation that I did not indulge in because I don’t need anybody to tell me they are proud of me because I’m proud of myself.

Here’s how you know you’ve come a long way baby and you’ve started healing. You start having compassion for those that are toxic, the ones who have stomped on your heart and walked out the door, and left you at your lowest. Sounds crazy, huh?

Reasons for my compassion, first they are still sick, toxic, and not willing to let go of their toxic ways to be a better person. They are not willing to search for the light buried in them. They weren’t born evil and toxic, that’s a learned behavior. That’s a generational curse that hasn’t been broken. Their caretaker, their grandparents, and great grandparents all had some type of toxic traits and it got passed on to them.

Another reason I have compassion is that they don’t believe in karma. They don’t know or believe that whatever they sow they will reap. The karma train may not have stopped at their station yet but it will. The scripture says “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” – Galatians 6:7

Another way I know I’ve come a long way is I can tell my story and not get emotional. I can tell it without shedding a tear or anger, and tell it from an outsider looking in. In other words, I was not a victim. I’m not a victim because I got the lesson. It broke my pattern and it broke the pattern of women before me, in my family that gravitated to weak, toxic men. It’s not ironic that I haven’t attracted one since I started my journey. Oh, they are there, the devil is always in disguise. I just don’t give them one second of my time. I hear my guardian angel on my shoulder say “Pssst! Their red flag is showing.”

I know who I am because I have done the work and I was willing to dig deep and go through enormous pain. I know who I am because I have prayed to die but didn’t because God had a purpose for me. That’s why I don’t need anybody to say they are proud of me. I’m proud of myself for knowing what I know and reinventing myself from the ashes they left on the ground.