The Missing Love Language

Earlier in the week, I shared some of my trauma-related events as a child. If you missed it then the highlight of the story was my emotional needs were not met by my parents due to there were more important things in their life such as work, church, and narcotics. Anything that your parents or spouse puts before your emotional needs, it causes an abandonment wound.

What I’ve learned through therapy and from my awakening is the trauma we experienced as a child is often what we want the most as an adult.

I have a friend that wanted a puppy at the very young age of five years old. She thought she was getting it until the puppy passed right before her eyes from her father’s arms to the arms of his boss. He gave away the puppy she wanted so badly right in front of her. It was traumatizing for my friend. She tells in detail how much it hurt her and even changed her. Now as an adult she has multiple dogs and cannot pass by a dog without stopping to pet and talk to them.

I’ve thought about that story multiple times and applied the same principle to my life. What is it that I love and want more than anything because it was missing from my life as a child? I have concluded quality time. It’s one of the 5 love languages. If you’re not familiar with the 5 love languages they are:

I love quality time with friends and family. If you’ve ever attended one of my parties then you know I say “just come”. I’m not as concerned with gifts or the other love languages as much as time. Watch what people do for you and that’s what they want from you. It’s important to them because maybe they didn’t get it as a child or it’s presently missing from their life.

We can improve our relationships by giving friends and family what they need. The love language they missed as a child. That child is still in us and we still have the need.

If you want to know more about The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman then click on the link.

It was Traumatic

Sometimes we are not even aware of how traumatic an event was in our life until we talk about it. It’s why I’m a huge advocate for therapy. Until we find a safe space to open up and share our stories then we are often not aware of just how bad it was for us.

I was sharing the other day with a friend some of my traumatic events. I’m going to share a few with you.

  • My parents had a very dysfunctional relationship. They slept in separate rooms by the time I was in 1st grade. They fought and talked about each other behind each other’s backs to me.
  • When I was 10 years old they divorced and I was made to choose. I lived with my mother but I wanted to live with my daddy.
  • They were emotionally immature and according to my therapist I came out of the womb saying, “Nobody knows what the hell they are doing.” and they didn’t. I was a responsible and emotionally mature at an early age.

These are all very traumatic events for a child. Not only is it traumatic but these specifically caused an abandonment wound. Just because both parents are in the same household does not mean it’s a healthy functional relationship. Emotional abandonment is real. If your parent’s career, narcotics, church, friends, hobbies, etc..was more important than taking care of your emotional needs, that’s abandonment.

When we don’t have role models in our lives to show us how to have healthy functional relationships it causes us trauma. Trauma along with abandonment wounds allows us to make poor choices. We make choices based on what is familiar. Doesn’t matter if it’s dysfunctional, we pick it because it’s comfortable for us. We believe our picker is broken because we haven’t been taught how to make good choices. Then when the dysfunctional relationship erupts like a volcano, we struggle with the “W’s”. Why? When? What now?

We will keep repeating the pattern until we have broken it. But easy, let’s not judge ourselves based on the decisions we made through our ignorance. We didn’t have healthy parents or role models. We were thrown into dysfunctional situations at a very early age that was too complex for our young minds. It’s not our fault but the healing is our responsibility. Our caretakers did their best with their toolbox. We need to let go of anger and resentment because they did not intentionally put this generational curse on us. Their parents had some toxic traits too that just got passed down.

In the words of Alanis Morissette

You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn

Deflection Behavior

Do you know someone who will get mad about something simple? Have you ever told someone something and they changed their attitude towards you but you didn’t know why? Have you ever shared something and the next thing you know they are bringing up something from the past? I have experienced all of these situations.

Some people will not tell you the truth and be transparent with their feelings. They will not say “I’m jealous” or “I’m feeling insecure about this.” We don’t often hear those sentences but we do hear blaming, shaming and deflecting their feelings.

This is called Deflection Behavior. The definition is a defense mechanism that involves redirecting focus, blame, or criticism from oneself onto another person, in an attempt to preserve one’s self-image.

So when you say “I bought a new car.” Instead of them saying “Congratulations!” and being happy for you, they are jealous but they can’t say that so they’ll say something like, “You should’ve bought this brand or that brand.” Now they are redirecting their jealousy to try and make you feel like you bought the wrong one by shaming you. Or maybe they will suddenly cancel plans with you.

You may or may not ever get the truth out of them. I did once because their anger made zero sense to me so I confronted them in person. Looked them right in their eyes and said.”What is the real issue here because I know you are not so simple that you are mad about what you are saying you are mad about?” They confessed what bothered them and it had been bothering them for years. It was jealousy!

Don’t be deceived by these people’s actions. They are deflecting their unhealthy feelings and what they are doing or saying has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to stay awake to try and figure it out, watch the pattern. If they do it once they’ll do it again. Don’t overthink it either because their words are empty and not the truth. 

Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Ephesians 5:6

Real Power

Knowing who you are with humility is real power. Being humble enough to be in a subservient position is powerful. Power is not a title, power is not flashing cash, and it’s not the house you live in or the car you drive. Red bottom shoes, Gucci belts, 5-star restaurants, or how many followers you have on social media.

The internet and social media have changed the game in our culture. It’s as if everyone is racing to see who’s got the best, the most and it’s infinite. Power is not a display of material things, being selfish, taking risks, and ignoring advice from experts or specialists.

Power is serving others not to be confused with people pleasing. If you’re a people pleaser you are doing it for yourself, to make yourself feel better. If you are a servant you are doing it for others from a place of love.

History shows that those who misuse power for themselves will always fail. We know what happened to Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and Vladimir Putin is going down as being a destructive leader due to misusing power. But let’s go back a little further, let’s go back to when Lucifer an Angel assigned to serve decided to challenge God with power. Isiah 14:12 will tell you all about it.

Power is being missed. Let me explain. If you are in a subservient position and you stop doing for others, they will miss you. You know you miss your hairdresser, manicurist, pedicurist, and massage therapist when they quit, disappear or retire. Some of y’all wouldn’t know what to do if your housekeeper quit. And I’ve seen grown men cry when their bartender wasn’t working.

If you wanna know how much real power you have then stop doing it for others and see if they miss you. If they don’t miss you then you are contributing zero to the relationship. And vice versa, if someone walks out of your life and you don’t miss them that means they were contributing nothing to you. Real power is love, giving and being in a subservient position not for self-interest.

Still I Rise

There was a tweet from a therapist regarding whether therapists should tell their patients “I’m proud of you.” The tweet became a conversation that I did not indulge in because I don’t need anybody to tell me they are proud of me because I’m proud of myself.

Here’s how you know you’ve come a long way baby and you’ve started healing. You start having compassion for those that are toxic, the ones who have stomped on your heart and walked out the door, and left you at your lowest. Sounds crazy, huh?

Reasons for my compassion, first they are still sick, toxic, and not willing to let go of their toxic ways to be a better person. They are not willing to search for the light buried in them. They weren’t born evil and toxic, that’s a learned behavior. That’s a generational curse that hasn’t been broken. Their caretaker, their grandparents, and great grandparents all had some type of toxic traits and it got passed on to them.

Another reason I have compassion is that they don’t believe in karma. They don’t know or believe that whatever they sow they will reap. The karma train may not have stopped at their station yet but it will. The scripture says “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” – Galatians 6:7

Another way I know I’ve come a long way is I can tell my story and not get emotional. I can tell it without shedding a tear or anger, and tell it from an outsider looking in. In other words, I was not a victim. I’m not a victim because I got the lesson. It broke my pattern and it broke the pattern of women before me, in my family that gravitated to weak, toxic men. It’s not ironic that I haven’t attracted one since I started my journey. Oh, they are there, the devil is always in disguise. I just don’t give them one second of my time. I hear my guardian angel on my shoulder say “Pssst! Their red flag is showing.”

I know who I am because I have done the work and I was willing to dig deep and go through enormous pain. I know who I am because I have prayed to die but didn’t because God had a purpose for me. That’s why I don’t need anybody to say they are proud of me. I’m proud of myself for knowing what I know and reinventing myself from the ashes they left on the ground.

Are You Ready?

Sometimes our heart’s desires, our dreams, and our purpose is not revealed or come to fruition because we are not ready. The timing of an event is everything. If we receive it too early then we may not be able to handle it. And if we cannot handle it then sometimes what was meant to be a blessing can turn into adversity, affliction, and often a catastrophe.

This year folks have said to me, “Can’t wait to read your book.” “You need to do a podcast!” “Girl you need to be a motivational speaker.” While I’m truly humbled by all the suggestions, I believe that the timing of my next opportunity to level up has not been revealed because I’m not ready. I don’t know what I’m not ready for but it could be fortune, fame, fans, or just the energy of some folks I may not be ready to handle.

That’s why the prayer is not answered. God knows us better than we know ourselves. He sees the next dot we are going to land on, he sees what’s around the corner, while we can’t. We often become frustrated in not understanding why we are not getting our prayer answered or our heart’s desire, but instead of being frustrated then know the timing is not right.

Let me take it to another level. I know folks that do not understand why they are still single while others are finding the love of their lives. It takes work to be a spouse, it takes real work to have a successful marriage. If “Mr. or Mrs. Right” has not come along then accept it as a sign that you are not ready OR maybe he/she is not ready for you.

I’m gonna say it again, timing is everything! Smartphones couldn’t show up before the internet or they’d be useless. Starbucks couldn’t show up during The Depression or nobody could afford it. Trust timing and keep believing that it will come right on time when it is at the perfect time. Don’t force it, don’t curse it, don’t stay awake wondering, don’t cry over it, just allow it while you keep believing. 

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. - Ecclesiastes 3:1

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

It’s time to do some more red flags 🚩 on toxic folks, particularly narcissists. We don’t have to have a degree or piece of paper to analyze toxic people. If we know the traits and characteristics then we can assume if the shoe fits then they are wearing it.

Unless you’ve lived it, walked the path, and been in a relationship with a narcissist, your mind cannot comprehend the toxic traits, the darkness, and the pain in a relationship.

  • 🚩 They tend to move fast in a relationship. They will ask you all the right questions, and wine, and dine you as if money is not an issue. They will compliment, gift you and say all the right things. If you’ve met a fast mover, that “feels” perfect, watch out!
  • 🚩 They will gaslight you. Call you a name and watch you get upset just to say, “You’re crazy, I was just joking.” This is not a joke. They are testing you. They are getting power from your reaction.
  • 🚩 They make promises! They will promise you the moon and stars. They promise big too. Things like a business deal, a car, a home, an extravagant vacation. But it’s just words, it will never come to fruition. It’s only a carrot to dangle to keep you in their life.
  • 🚩 They will watch you cry tears that can fill the ocean. Watch you have emotional pain and while you are expressing it, look at you blank-faced with zero compassion. They might say to stop expressing your pain and crying your tears for it’s bothering them.

If any of the red flags 🚩 resonate with you then I encourage you to talk to a professional. Find a counselor or therapist who can give you sound guidance on your situation.

I share my knowledge from my personal story to help others. If I’ve helped just one to recognize they are on a hamster wheel in their relationship then I know my mission has been accomplished. Sending love and prayers to all that has been victimized by toxicity and narcissism.

Don’t Block the Blessing

I wanna share a story about 2 people that did not know each other they only had a mutual friend. The mutual friend had connected them on social media. I’m going to protect their identity & use labels for their names.

Girlfriend A fell on some unexpectedly hard times. She had lost all her possessions and was starting over from scratch even with a home. She had been victimized by trickery, narcissism, and evil. Raise your hand if someone has ever tricked you out of everything you owned.

Girlfriend B had been blessed with more than enough. She had a great family that supported her and saw her parents bless others with gifts. She was a firm believer in paying it forward and carrying out her parent’s tradition. Not only did she give financial gifts but she gave the gift of time by listening. She gave her time by helping. She was a giver that had a heart bigger than her body.

The mutual girlfriend had connected the girlfriends through social media but they had never met. When girlfriend A fell on hard times, mutual girlfriend shared with girlfriend B about A’s hard times and how she felt so bad for her.

Girlfriend B felt she needed to help girlfriend A. She wanted to help her because she knew she needed help. B reached out to A and asked for her Venmo I. D… Girlfriend A was overwhelmed with tears of gratitude when girlfriend B deposited enough money into her Venmo account to change girlfriend A’s life.

I know this is a heartfelt, great story but get the moral of the story here. Moral #1…There are always angels in your midst. But guess what, they may not look like you, think like you, believe like you or you may have not even met them. We have to be open to everyone until they prove differently. If A never accepted B as a friend on social media then A would’ve never been blessed. And B would’ve never been blessed to give.

Moral #2…If A had been bitter from her misfortune and was shut down because of a pity party then she would’ve missed her blessing due to her shame, guilt, and anger.

Moral #3…If the mutual girlfriend didn’t feel so much compassion and empathy for girlfriend A then she would’ve never shared her misfortune with girlfriend B. Don’t dismiss your compassion and empathy and intuition. God also has messengers but you can only be the messenger if you’re open to being utilized for God’s purpose.

We can only be open to all things when we let go of judgment, let go of anger, and allow our love, compassion, and empathy to guide us. What blessings are we missing when we are not open to others? What blessing are we missing when we are not open to being utilized? I pray you find openness and allow your heart to guide you.

Do You Still Love Me?

Our value is never what people think of us for others’ thoughts are none of our business. Discovering our true value is knowing who we are in silence. That’s where you find your true self. It’s why many folks cannot sit in silence and be alone. Fear rises and they may discover they need work and help. And that’s just too much for some.

I was busy multi-tasking the other night. The television was on but I wasn’t listening to some guy interviewing another guy. That’s how much I was paying attention. Until the guy being interviewed said something that made me drop everything I was doing to listen.

He said “I was pitching for an MLB team and we were getting ready for the Wild Card games. My coach called me over and told me that he wasn’t going to need me to pitch.”He was just supposed to go home and watch his team on television.

It’s here I got teary-eyed and had a heart that was full of compassion for this guy. He said he called his dad and told his dad that he wouldn’t be pitching and then he asked his dad “Do you still love me?” He said as a child he built his value on pitching. His dad would tell him to practice pitching and not talk to his mom or siblings. He needed to keep practicing. So pitching became more important than talking to his mother.

He continued to say that was his wake-up call. That one incident woke him up to his value and it was not what his fans thought of him. He started searching for his authentic self and his true value.

He did pitch again in the World Series. He also found his spiritual path and what he truly loved doing that fulfilled him and that was producing music. His name is Barry Zito, and the team was the San Francisco Giants.

I resonated with his story in so many ways. Parents that show love through “approved actions” to a child are building that child to feel and believe their value is based only on the action. After 18 years of conditioning, the adult continues to believe that is who they are and that’s their worth. It’s why so many are walking around and don’t know who they are because they are their dad, their mother, not their true authentic self.

Great news! It’s never too late to find your true authentic self. Your true value is based on self-love. Not the love of your customers, fans, family, or friends. Never let someone place a price tag on you. You are not a garage sale piece, you are a diamond and your value just keeps increasing as you shine brighter and become clearer.

My Season of Suffering

The season of suffering and being in an unhealthy place often brings out compassion, empathy, love, and understanding as we start entering new seasons.

I was in a dark, unhealthy place in my life for a long period. I was suffering from the grief of lost loved ones not only to the grave but also those that had left me. The ones that had left me were equally as painful and in some cases more painful than those I had lost to the grave. This opened up my abandonment wound from over 40 years ago. There are no words for my pain.

But as I started to breathe again, rise from my ashes of grief, as I started to fight for life because I knew I had a purpose, I realized so much. I realized what others may have experienced with grief and loss. I felt more compassion and empathy for those that had lost family and friends to the grave or that had been left.

We will never understand what it’s like to lose a child until we lose one. We cannot imagine what it’s like for a person we love to walk out of our life until we have someone we love to walk out on us. We cannot identify with abandonment until we have experienced it. We only know what we have experienced. Until then it’s all imaginable with compassion.

I’m thankful for my season of suffering. I appreciate that I hit the bottom to understand what I had in me. My dark place brought a teacher to teach me what others have experienced and to give me more compassion for humanity as they suffer with their pain and wounds.

The Bible says in Ephesians to “always give thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to our God and Father.” I know it’s easier said than done but we must know that our grief, pain, and season of suffering can shed light on not only our wounds but identify with others. And isn’t that what it’s all about, is to help each other by extending our hearts with love, empathy, and compassion?

Keep going and keep growing on the journey to the land of “Healed”.