Gratitude in Our Pain

I recently had a friend share with me an experience that left them disappointed, sad, and disheartened. As I listened to the pain in their voice, I replied “I’m sorry for your pain, I understand it because I’ve experienced similar. Please understand that first, this has nothing to do with you, so it’s not personal, and next this is a moment of gratitude because now you see a side of it that you didn’t see a month ago.” The teacher showed up to show my friend another side that they had not seen earlier. And based on the earlier experience they were considering a major decision.

It’s in those moments we have to reel ourselves back in to know that it’s not about us but about the lesson we need to get so we don’t make a mistake or a bigger mistake. And if we don’t learn the lesson and understand the teaching, we will most likely make the mistake again. This is called a pattern. It’s a level of gratitude that we overlook because all we feel is pain from the experience.

It’s why I continue to say step back, ground yourself and look outside of it as if you were not involved. Try to see what is going on with those involved. We don’t know what’s going on with folks so we have to be mindful that they may be having a season of grief. Grief from a death, job loss, financial issues, or loss of a relationship with family or friends. And they may be in a stage of anger, denial, or depression.

With the holiday season upon us, we must understand there are a lot of triggers happening during this time. Loss of a loved one that’s not at the table, financial stress, holiday travels, and preparing for any toxic personalities we may have to endure. 101 things are happening that we know nothing about with our friends and family.

If we find ourselves in a painful experience, let’s try to remember it’s not personal, we don’t know what is happening to others. Be thankful for any insight or light shed on the experience and try to understand the lesson so we don’t repeat it. Look for gratitude in your pain.

The Reformer

I feel like I know an Enneagram-type one but it’s not confirmed. Are you an Enneatype One? Or do you know someone? Find out by reading the characteristics and behaviors.

The One is called the Reformer. They have essential qualities like goodness, sacredness, and purity. Their basic desire is to be “good” along with virtuous and have integrity. They are highly ethical and self-principled. They possess a great sense of purpose and conviction.

Their mindset is “right” or “wrong” and whatever is wrong needs to be corrected. They wanna get things right and they put energy into integrity. They believe there’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything. And you must live your life with purpose.

Their basic fear is being “bad”, corrupt, Unredeemable, condemnable, and chaotic. They live between improving themselves and their world, everything needs to be consistent with their ideals. When others don’t meet their ideals or standards, they get angry when others don’t take their ideals seriously. They can become opinionated and sarcastic.

If they continue to slide down to unhealthy levels they can become an obsessive hypocrite. They show characteristics of being bitter, misanthropic, and highly self-righteous.

Famous ones include Hilary Clinton, Al Gorr, Nelson Mándela, Elizabeth Warren, Martha Stewart, Harrison Ford, Jane Fonda, Meryl Streep, George Harrison, and “Mr. Spock”

Do you know a one? Did you resonate with this? Find out by exploring the Enneagram. You may contact me via social media or dealingtohealing.com.

Be Still and Know God

I’m currently reading a book called Higher Purpose by Robert Holden. He states there are two ways we can slow down. One we can choose it by meditating, praying, and connecting to nature. The second is life chooses it for us through sickness, surgeries, grief, and catastrophic events such as pandemics.

While in Enneagram school I learned that it’s a must to slow down, to center, to hear what comes up not only for ourselves but for others. Nobody can hear, think or feel if our energy is overriding their energy.

Earlier in the year, I saw Eckhart Tolle at the Fox Theatre and he talked about how we can get somewhere without rushing there. We don’t have to allow our energy to push us to stress and anxiety while we are in motion because we are going to get there in the same amount of time no matter if we are stressed or not. Stress and anxiety are not helping us get there faster.

All these signs have come to me not coincidentally but for me to take heed to slow down. I am making a conscious effort to slow down, take breaks, allow myself time to breathe, and be grateful for my breaths. It’s not necessary to hit the reply button immediately, rush to pick up things at the store, run the vacuum fast, walk fast, talk fast, and live life in the fast lane.

The scripture says “Be still and know that I am God.” How can we hear God speak when we won’t stop to hear? Who do we think we are by ignoring what we need until life gives us no alternative? Reminds me of the song “Be Still My Soul” by the Imperials.

Surrounded by the cares of life
Situations rise, they press against my soul
Desperate thoughts have blocked me in
Feels like I may lose control

A voice from somewhere inside of me
Brings comfort, fills my heart with courage
And lets me know
That everything will be alright

I hear Him say
Be still, my soul, and know that He is God
Stand quietly, He is the Lord
God is for me, who can be against me?
(He is God)
Be still, my soul, He is the Lord

Remember as we approach this holiday season. There’s a sunrise and a sunset every day and we don’t want to miss any of them. Be still and know God.

It’s Not Personal

I think one of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that nothing anyone does has to do with you. Years ago I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, his second agreement to make with yourself is Don’t Take Anything Personally.

It’s also part of the Enneagram platform. Understanding ourselves and the world around us helps us know that others’ external behaviors, attitudes, motivations, emotional reactions, and defense mechanisms have zero to do with us.

Someone said “it’s constant work”, referring to not taking anything personally. Yes! because all we thought we knew is not fact, it’s fiction. We have reacted for decades based on object relations, “generational curses” and our ego. But when we unlearn all that we learned, it is constant work. My shrink said it is called rewiring your brain, it’s old programming.

I find that people don’t want to go under the covers to find what exists in their true essence because the discovery is painful. And the process of rewiring the old programming in the brain takes effort. The programming didn’t happen overnight and it can’t be undone overnight.

So why do something that causes us pain and lots of work? Because when you understand who you are and the lights start coming on, the aha moments are the trophies for the constant work.

And the bonus is understanding those we love better. Because isn’t that where it’s the most painful? Nothing hurts worse when family and those closest relationships hurt us. Many are dreading the holidays right now because of the pain they may have to endure with their family. Let me assure you that toxic family member has nothing to do with you. They are projecting their issues onto you. They were invited because of someone else’s guilt and shame. They said something unkind because of their issues. They rejected you because of their issues. Hold on to that truth!

If you are tired of taking things personally and want to understand you, your family and relationships better then I encourage you to start the work. Reach out to me via social media or at dealingtohealing.com to get no-cost information on starting the process.

Instinct and Intuition Types

Enneatype 8 and 9 have much in common. They both have the same instinct centers associated with our belly which mean our inner intelligence comes from our instinct and intuition. When we are open to our instinct we are shutting out our ego personality and acting on the instinctive center qualities.

When we are open to our center of intelligence we experience being more grounded, solidarity, aliveness, peacefulness, balance, harmonious, and connectedness. This is why it’s important to take time outs, quiet time, and meditate to allow positive qualities to emerge.

When we are not conscious because we are caught up in life, we are acting on our ego personality which leads to disconnecting from our center intelligence. When we feel off balance, ungrounded, need to control, rage, anger, numbness, fatigue, and resistance, these are all signs that we are not connected to our center of intelligence.

Have you noticed when you are at the beach, hiking in the mountains, fishing in the lake, or swinging in a hammock in the backyard that you feel more centered and at peace? That’s because you’re more connected to your inner intelligence, your center, the belly, the instinct, and intuition.

It happens to me when I take baths. It’s amazing what comes up when I’m in the water. I often describe it as God speaking to me but it’s my center of intelligence giving me peace, where I feel grounded and balanced.

If you resonate with this, you may be a belly-center instinct type. Find out by exploring the Enneagram. Feel free to reach out to me via social media or dealingtohealing.com.

The Peacemaker

Last week I blogged about the Enneagram type 8. I know them best because I am one. This week I’m going to focus on type 9 because they are very near and dear to my heart. I have a son and several close friends that are type 9. If you know a type 9 you know they are loved for their essential qualities.

Type 9’s have peaceful energy about them. That’s because they are known as the Peacemaker. They are nonjudgmental, reassuring, patient, peaceful, receptive, empathetic, generous, gentle, excellent mediators and agreeable.

They are people, pleasers, due to their sensitivity. They want all to be good, and comfortable. The goal is to keep the peace, so don’t rock the boat. It’s why you will most likely meet them more resigned.

Nines want to avoid conflicts and tensions so that things can be preserved as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them. When conflict arises or the boat gets rocked, you will see them get more stubborn, procrastinate, worry, feel unsupported, doubt themselves, and seek affirmation from authorities.

When they feel their world is not whole and they don’t have inner stability you may see them dissociate, repress and deny it until the boiling point of boiling over and exploding. We can support them by allowing them to acknowledge their anger. Don’t push them or rush them.

They can relate to different perspectives if we give them time to figure out the answer. They are processors in their thinking and feeling or if overwhelmed they are in the daydream mode of “Doing and Sensing”.

If you resonate with any of these behaviors or characteristics, you may be a type nine or you may have a family or coworker that’s a nine. If you are interested in exploring more of the Enneagram types, please reach out to me on social media or at dealingtohealing@gmail.com.

Lost as Last Year’s Easter Egg

I shared the behaviors and characteristics regarding my enneagram type 8. “Power” tops the list of characteristics. One of the first behaviors you’ll notice about this type is their power. We tend to believe power is a good thing. Many want it but few don’t understand the extremities of it.

From birth, I have believed that I had to maintain power. I had to maintain it because I didn’t believe anyone around me had it. My shrink often reminds me that I came into this world saying, “Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing.” and I believe that to be true. I believe that I was born into a dysfunctional household and they were lost as last year’s Easter egg.

So I took the bull by the horns and believed that if I don’t do it, it may not get done. I’ve been in power mode my entire life but here’s the other side of what you don’t see. Power is exhausting! When we believe that we are the only ones to do it, we cannot depend on anyone else and we cannot stop or it will fall apart, it causes mental and physical exhaustion.

And exhaustion looks the same on all of us. We cannot function at our best when we are exhausted. We make bad choices and decisions. How many times have we picked the wrong partner, the wrong job, or the wrong house because we are exhausted? We get tired of the search and we throw in the towel and settle.

Being envious of power is never good. If it’s not executed properly it will destroy you and others. I’ll never forget when my shrink told me that I had the power to build an empire and destroy it in a day.

Let’s recognize and be conscious of our power. May we understand that we don’t have to carry the cross alone, others will help and be happy to help us. Notice how tight we hold the pen, the remote, or the broom. Let’s breathe in and out to release that energy behind the force. It’s okay, we can let go and we will survive.

The Challenger

Those who know me or those who have met me know within minutes that I am fairly independent and assertive. My energy is big and I feel that life works best when you meet it head-on. I’ve told many in leadership positions to take the bull by the horns if they want to be successful. Tact is not one of my strong points.

I tend to do my thinking first and then my doing which means I suppress my feelings more than my thinking or doing. Thinking and then following with doing allows me to set my own goals, get involved and make things happen. Most of the time I know what I want and I go for it. Working hard and playing hard has always been my motto.

My undeveloped feelings don’t mean I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. Most people know when I’m upset about something. I can be guarded because I’m sensitive and I fear rejection. I want others to respond and get worked up as much as me. I love when others’ energy meets mine.

Give me the rules of the game and let me go. Don’t tell me what to do. I got it! Micromanagement and helicopter folks throw water on my firepower.

If any of this resonates with you. You may be an Enneagram type 8. We are challengers and we love our power. We make great leaders and are strong in many positions. Some famous type 8’s include, Russell Crowe, Frank Sinatra, Queen Latifah, Chris Hemsworth, Denzel Washington, and Charles Barkley.

Find out your type by reaching out via social media or dealingtohealing@gmail.com

Who We Are

I posted on Sunday that I graduated from Enneagram school as a certified cohort. Thank you to all who congratulated me and reached out to me. Your kind words and support are embraced.

Since Sunday I’ve had a few conversations regarding the Enneagram. Many want to know what it is. The Enneagram dates back to 2500 B. C. It has evolved to be a tool to help us assess our dominant personality type. But we are not our personality, that’s what keeps us stuck. The Enneagram helps us identify our true selves through spiritual awareness. Once we know our true selves we can live our lives fully and freely. We also become better in our relationships with our partners, children, and co-workers.

The Enneagram also shows us how our social or work styles are different and complement each other. It helps us understand why we do what we do when we do it, and how we do it.

It also helps us understand our traits and characteristics when we are under stress, or moving toward healthier levels.

I highly recommend it to anyone interested in wanting to better themselves and/or their relationships. I have a friend that teaches it in her church with couples. If you are wanting to better your relationships in your home and/or work you may want to consider exploring the Enneagram. There are a few different ways to learn your type. The RHETI test is what I did many years ago. It’s online for $12.

If you’re interested in knowing more, please reach out to me through social media or at dealingtohealing@gmail.com. I’m happy to help you!

We Are One Body

Today I graduated from Enneagram school. After 13 years of knowing about the Enneagram, receiving Enneathoughts via email every morning, reading books, attending several Enneagram sessions, and discussing it for over a decade with my shrink, I now have greater respect for it.

There were 15 of us in class from all over the world. Several different professions along with cultural differences. It was a big bright light moment when we started understanding how much alike we are no matter our type. The Enneagram does prove that the human being is complex on so many levels but we are all so much alike in our instincts, social styles, how we think, and feel, our fears, what we need, and how we receive from others.

I also learned why I am attracted to certain types over other types. For example, I am an 8, The Challenger, my type along with type 2’s, The Helper, and type 5’s The Investigator are the most sensitive types when it comes to rejection. For years I’ve bonded with a type 2 but never knew that the sensitivity to rejection was part of our bond.

I believe if there’s ever a time in our world to find our commonalities with others, it’s now. Now is also the time to find more compassion for ourselves as well as others. We are not creating enough safe spaces with no judgment. If we spent as much time searching and learning about why we need to be together instead of breeding division and allowing others to pull us apart, it would be a better world for all of us.

The scripture says in Romans 12:4-5

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

If you want to be a part of the solution and understand yourself better along with others, reach out via social media or at dealingtohealing@gmail.com