Who’s Got The Remote Control?

More conversations….I frequently hear, “they can’t do that”, “he better not”, “she needs to do this or that”, we are putting our wish list on others that we have no control over what they do or don’t do. I have a friend that got hit on by a guy. She had zero interest in having a romantic relationship with him. He was persistent and she didn’t hold her boundaries because she was trying to be nice. I told her that he has a job and that is to get his needs met. He’s looking for more than a platonic relationship. And she has a job and that’s to hold her boundaries and draw a line in the sand. All she can do is control it from her side because she has zero control over his side. I know she didn’t want to piss him off but loving yourself sometimes pisses people off and that is okay and sometimes to be expected.

Thats all we can do is control what we can and it’s up to each individual to hold their boundaries because everyone in this world has a job. Some are looking for love, some are trying to get their needs met, some are looking for quick money, some seek power, some want our time, and on and on and on. We can’t control their attitude, actions, behavior, how they speak to us but we can control our attitude, actions, behavior, and how we speak to people.

Holding our boundaries shows others who we are and who we are not. The more we hold our boundaries, the more our energy empowers us. When we don’t hold boundaries our energy leaks and instead of empowering ourselves we empower others to do things to us that do not feel good. Think of it as your power is within your boundaries. You are your own remote control. Handing someone a remote allows them to access everything. Let’s keep the power, hold the remote and control it from our side.

Sorry Does Not Mean Changed

Recently I had 2 conversations about this exact quote.

The word “sorry” means absolutely nothing to me. For me, it is a word used to manipulate the victim. It allows someone to put the victim back in a position so they can do the same thing to them again. It’s a narcissist’s favorite word. Saying “sorry” and repeating the action is “not sorry”, it’s a form of manipulation. As I told my tribe, the first time might be a mistake but the second time is a choice. I’d rather for you not to apologize and be clear that you are not remorseful than to apologize and do the same action all over again.

Some only apologize to make themselves feel better and less guilty or less shameful. Because they can always say, “Well I said I was sorry.” and that should clear the shame and make the victim erase the slate. The real sign of remorse is not doing the same action again. If the actions do not change then the word means nothing.

The reward for the action not being repeated is the victim’s trust. The negative reinforcement for the action being repeated is the victim’s lack of availability including lack of time, energy, and attention to them. We can not reward their inconsistency with our consistency. One must prove they are remorseful by not repeating the action and showing they have changed. Let’s not get manipulated with a word that shows no tangible fruit.

Delayed Gratification > Instant Gratification

Last Sunday I listened to a sermon called “Delayed Gratification”. Bishop talked about how instant gratification has taken priority in our lives. We want instant “likes”, “follows” and go viral videos. If we can’t lose weight by pulling away and working it off, we take a pill, a shake, wanting it instantly. We have become a society that cannot save for something, we want it now so let’s finance it or put it on the credit card and worry about it later.

But just like a tree that grows fast, it will not last. Anything that grows slow will last long. If your business takes off overnight, you don’t have time to plan, you don’t know which direction to go when something explodes. But more than anything, you don’t appreciate it when it is instant. Digging or building a goldmine is appreciated more than buying one.

Last week the Braves won the World Series after 26 years of trying. For 26 years they worked, they tried 100 different ways to win and when they finally figured it out they were more appreciative than if they won the year before last.

That’s how it works with God. He allows seasons of growing slow, through work, trial and error, through hard times so that when it’s time to win, we will appreciate it. If we can’t hang with him during the suffering and keep the faith then we don’t deserve the prize. Dying on the cross was the suffering that Jesus did for 3 days to get the prize of forgiveness, love, grace, and healing.

I’m trying to remember this on my hard days. During the seasons when I feel forsaken. Just because you feel like you’re in the dark doesn’t mean you’re dead and buried. Seeds are buried everyday and they are alive. Know that the plant will bloom, the team will win, the people will like, delayed gratification is on the way. Keep working, trying, growing, and keep the faith.

Kenya

There was a time in my life that I was overwhelmed because I couldn’t say “no” to the ones closest to me. I felt I had to do as asked because nobody else would do it or it was my duty. I would do it all while gritting my teeth, exhausting myself, and having resentment. I thought it was just easier to do it than to say no and explain why I couldn’t or did not want to do it.

One day I reached a breaking point. That’s what happens when you stuff things. It eventually explodes like a volcano. My mother had asked me to do something and I replied, “You should’ve just named me Kenya! You say “Can ya” “Can ya “Can ya” “Can ya” “Can ya” til all I hear is Kenya.” She looked surprised when I said it but then laughed because she knew it was true. She apologized and went right back to asking me and I went right back to doing. It was a running joke with us until the day she died. She knew it was exhausting to me but she couldn’t help herself and I couldn’t say “no”.

You are reading this right now and resonating with it because your mother, dad, sibling, children, grown children, and/or friends do the same thing. They ask and know you’re tired but they just cannot help themselves to ask one more time. It is up to you, me, each individual to hold our boundaries. Nobody is going to say “Stop! You are tired.”

You know the saying, “Nobody is coming to save you”, referring to making you get up to work, exercise, pull you up when you fall. Use that same mindset that nobody is going to tell you to stop. Not a soul is going to say you do too much for me please stop. Folks will let you and wear you out until you fall out. We must hold our boundaries, we must speak up, we must listen to our intuition, we must or we will always be referred to as “Kenya”.

Boundaries to Empower Yourself

I was born to a narcissist caretaker. The only time I was given what I needed in love and acceptance is when I was putting all my energy into them. It was what she liked, she wanted, she needed, her time, her place, everything was based on her feelings and the world revolved around her. Condition anyone to that for decades and I promise you, that’s the person you become. An empath that feels so deeply they should help others that they lose themselves. Have you ever completely lost yourself?

I’ve lost myself, my true self, and didn’t even know it. I’ve had a magnet on me to repeat what I learned to just be ok with it because I thought it was love. My thoughts and the inner child said “Oh you’ll love me more if I do this or that. You’ll be happier if I do this or that.”I’ve served others for so long that I am programmed to think this is what I must do or have to do for someone to be happy and love me.

News flash those days are gone! I now set boundaries with myself. I allow myself to get completely lost in my world, my space. I’m reinventing myself to not be concerned about what others need or what makes them happy. And let me say I’m damn proud of myself. Let me say it again I am proud of me!

I no longer allow others to pull at me, to control me with what they need or what they want. I spent 50 plus years with a phone up my butt just to be available to narcissists. You better not have an emergency with me or you’ll need to call 911. It’s the new me, take me or leave me. I will still be loving me no matter what you decide. And this is what boundaries with yourself looks like for anybody on the same path. As my shrink told me long ago, “you don’t owe anybody anything including your parents. They picked you, you did not pick them.” It’s time we empower ourselves!

Take Responsibility

As I continue to heal, I have lots of questions, and the one burning question I had for my shrink last week, “It’s not a narcissist fault that they are a narcissist, any more than it is my fault for my wounds. So why do we have to block, cut them off, fence ourselves in from them?” She said, “It’s not our fault that we have wounds, but your healing is your responsibility.”

I used this analogy in my mind. If we are all in the hospital, some of us are in the ICU, CCU, ER, some of us are in therapy, some are trying to get discharged. If we are not on the same level of trauma then it’s ok. It’s ok if I get out before you do or you get out before I do. We just have to be fine with where we are in our stuff. We have to protect ourselves and hold our boundaries from those not as well as us. We can’t take the risk of getting sicker or not getting better.

As I’ve told the ones closest to me, if you fall, you’re going to most likely fall down than up. Most people fall down the hill, down the steps, or drown trying to pull someone up. Makes sense why we have to fence ourselves in from some and keep others on a leash. Not everyone deserves us and we can’t save people. We can’t just give our time and energy to anyone no matter the relationship or time known. Remember toxic is toxic, even blood family, and until someone wants to get better, change and heal we cannot make them. I know I’ve said this before but I’m saying it again because that’s how we learn is repeating what we know and the truth. Healing is our responsibility!

Quit Watering Weeds

On average, I get 10-15 calls/texts from spam, robocalls & time wasters. I block them as soon as I see the missed call/text. I don’t want them in my phone or taking up space in my life. Shout out to the person that invented “block”, the best thing ever invented. That “block” prevents triggers, allows me not to waste my time, stops the toxic from entering my life. It’s a guard, a shield that protects me.

Now I’m using the same process and applying a “virtual block” for real life. I’ve wasted enough time allowing people to cross my boundaries, take up my time and energy. I’ve poured into many that have not poured back into me. I’ve made investments in many with zero returns. I’ve opened the door to toxic relationships. If I won’t allow it on my phone then I should not allow it in my life.

As I’ve told my tribe many times, there’s going to be some that don’t like the new me but I’m ok with that because I haven’t liked the old me for a long time. I’m done watering weeds. I’m hitting “block” and pouring into people and things that pour back into me.

Boundaries With Family

The most common conversation I have with friends is “boundaries” or lack of should I say. I’ve had conversations in recent weeks and I hear the same thing, it’s a family member not respecting my friend’s boundaries. That’s the question, why do we have such difficulty holding our boundaries with family? These people in our house are breaking rules and disrespecting us. We wouldn’t allow a stranger to just come in and have their way in our house so why do we allow it? Maybe we are afraid that they won’t love us or they’ll leave us. Maybe it’s because we just don’t want confrontation with them. Could be we are overcompensating to make up for an area we have guilt or shame. Maybe it’s empathy. It doesn’t matter why we allow it, not holding our boundaries is allowing complete manipulation. Anything and everything we say that we don’t back up with action are just words that go in one ear and out another.

I’ve seen folks say “I’m DONE!” and the next 2-3 days they are back allowing the same old crap! I’m not preaching, I’m guilty of it too. It’s difficult but unless we draw a line in the sand, mean it and hold it, they will never respect or believe us.

Boundaries prevent us from being needy, empathetic, controlling, they protect us from emotional abuse. They also prevent triggers. It’s up to us to teach everyone including family how we want to be treated. But what if they get mad or upset with me? All the more reason you need the boundary. If anyone gets upset, that can be part of the manipulation. We are also not responsible for others’ emotions. We are only responsible for ourselves. Our boundaries, our wounds, and our healing.

The holidays are around the corner. Maybe if we start practicing now we’ll be successful by the time they’re here. Let’s do this! Hold our boundaries with our family!

Dropped Off At A Doorstep

Sunday I was watching church online. Bishop prayed for a man that had lost his child. As Bishop prayed for the man, he broke down and cried, his cry was painful to hear. You could hear the pain, the hurt in his voice as he almost screamed through his tears. I was so touched and moved that I cried too as I watched him.

Hours later I still could not get the image out of my mind. I thought that man would give everything he had to have his child back. And if that was possible, he’d love that child, be appreciative and happy with just the child’s presence. And that’s when it hit me. We have children that have been abandoned by self-absorbed, selfish parents. They have a child but they don’t appreciate or recognize the child. Children that haven’t had support for their greatness, been loved as needed or appreciated for what they are and that’s a gift. Children are gifts. Not everyone can have a child and those who have lost a child would give anything to bring them back.

Children that are abandoned physically or emotionally, grow up to be adults. They grow up but they don’t grow out of the pain of being abandoned. The pain of not being loved as needed is still there. The triggers of not being supported encouraged and accepted still exists. We have adults walking around with still 2-year-old needs.

To those who had 2 caretakers that gave you all you needed, this may sound strange to you but believe me when I tell you there’s a big percentage of children that are abandoned in some form or fashion. The abandonment wound is real. Since we don’t walk around with T-shirts and hats that say “I was abandoned”, maybe we need to consider this and encourage, support, and love everyone as if they were abandoned. Love them like they were dropped off at a doorstep because many were and many have that same abandonment wound.

I’m a Sinner and I Like It That Way

“I’m a sinner and I like it that way.” That’s a quote I don’t hear directly but I hear it indirectly almost daily.

Somewhere along the way the “church” and the “Christians” have set precedence to our society that if you do blah blah blah then you are NOT a Christian and if you do blah blah blah then you are a Christian. It’s not working, trust me. I know more agnostic and atheist people today than ever.

This is what I hear from older generations and they grew up in strict church doctrines, fear-based beliefs, and fear-based homes. They were scared to smoke, drink, dance, go to the movies, and just do normal things that young people do. If you keep telling anybody “no” enough, they will break out. They will do it in spite, do it as a resentment, a choice of freedom and some never go back. Could you blame them? And as a result of it, they have religious trauma. Yes! That’s real trauma.

And then I hear “if that’s what a Christian looks like or that’s how your church treats people, I don’t want no part of it.” Boom! Let me talk to the people representing. The lines of Christianity and non Christianity have become blurred. There are people out there that never go to church that claim zero religion and don’t have a Bible or a cross hanging and are treating folks better than the “Christians”. They are helping the hungry, the homeless, the “I just got out of jail” person. They are representing Jesus rather they intend to or not. They are good hearts with compassion and empathy. You cannot hold a Bible in your hand while not having compassion or empathy. You cannot judge folks while your household is full of anger, lies and deception. You can’t just show up on Sunday and claim Christianity. That’s not how it works.

If you wanna win people then know that “love wins”. The first step is showing love, compassion, and empathy. Keep your mouth shut and listen to them. They’ll tell you how they are hurting and broken. The next step is to quit judging folks. We can’t even fix ourselves so what makes anybody powerful enough to tell others how to live. Accept people as they come. We’ve all got issues. And most of us have the same goal to get better. And if you’re worried about their soul, leave that up to God. When folks want to open themselves up to more and they will. You don’t have to push anything down their throat. Just love them or else they are just gonna keep liking being a “sinner”.