Boundaries will eliminate the Bull!

I was talking with a friend in my tribe. I was basically having a one on one session about childhood abandonment, narcissist, and boundaries. I told a story about when a family member asked me for something and I told them “no”. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t stutter, I didn’t say “uh, let me think about it”, I said “no”. They hung the phone up and never spoke to me again.

If you want to test someone’s love for you, have boundaries and enforce them. I think back to how many times I allowed my boundaries to be pushed, crossed, disregarded which disrespected me. So many times my gut, energy, intuition was saying “no”, it didn’t feel good thinking about it or doing it but I did it and allowed it anyway. I did it to make others happy, not myself. All the time I thought I was making others happy, now they are no longer around.

After years of not enforcing boundaries, I woke up. I realized after losing 4 people in 4 years, that life is too short! The Bible says “God is no respecter of persons.”, which means God treats us all the same because we are all the same. That means, I could die next, you could die next. No promise of tomorrow is given. We only have this life to live and we don’t need to be living for others. Our boundaries need to be respected. We also don’t need to apologize, give a reason, or be made to feel guilty about our boundaries. The family member tried the ol’ guilt trip but I was unwavering. If you wanna test someone’s love and respect for you, enforce your boundaries, see what happens. Tell them without reason and then watch. It’s like your own superpower, you’ll see right through them real fast.

The Abandoned Invest with Zero Returns

I wrote about abandonment last week. I want to tell you today what an abandoned child does to get loved. They invest!

A child that has been abandoned physically and/or emotionally, will invest their time, money, body, energy, and every fiber of their being to get loved. It starts as a child but can continue to the grave.

They are investors in their relationships, employers, friends, family, and sometimes strangers just so they can get a return on their investment. They are so emotionally starved for love that they are extremely vulnerable and open to any investment with just about anybody.

They are great candidates for users, abusers, narcissists due to their vulnerability. They believe that if they just invest enough, give enough, do enough that the user, abuser, the narcissist will return the same. Unfortunately, this does not happen. The user, abuser, narcissist gives zero return. They are only takers and the abandoned child is only a giver. This cycle can go on for years, decades, and to the grave.

The grief comes if the abandoned child eventually sees zero return on their investment. The grief, the pain from the reality of what it is traumatic. It’s traumatizing to invest everything until you are broke. You have given everything just get to zero return. Pain, grief, and going broke changes people.

To you abandoned child and anybody else this resonates with, don’t go broke investing in people that give you zero return. You will grieve in those areas that you invested the most and got zero return. Your best investment is you. Love yourself!

The Chosen One

I usually only post once a day but you’re in for a treat because my heart is full and I need to speak it. I’m speaking from love but I’m also speaking in real, raw truth.

God can use ANYBODY! I was raised that ONLY those in the church are the only ones God can use. I was taught that it’s only the righteous that God helps but that’s a lie! That’s not the truth. That’s what certain churches teach and what the “doctrines” want you to believe but believe me, when I tell you that God can, does, will use ANYBODY!

If you’ve read my Dealing to Healing story, then you may remember that I went 5 months with zero income in 2020. While Georgia and Tennessee played ping pong on who should pay my unemployment, I sat sick with worry. I was physically ill with stress. I called but never got through, I reached out to sources, I exhausted all avenues. I happen to find a fb group that was for the unemployed in Georgia. A woman’s name came highly recommended in this group. She was only on Twitter. I followed her and reached out to her. She was overwhelmed with messages because she did not work directly for the state. She advocated for the unemployed. She was selfless and became an acting agent for us.

She had limited times that you could reach out to her via instant message on Twitter. Every time I tried, she was full. Then one day, I opened Twitter and the first post I saw was her post that she had a few openings. I immediately sent her a message and my needed information. She responded right back, told me to keep my phone close, I was first on the list to call, to answer it from an “unknown” number. A little while later, I received a call from a woman at the Department of Labor. She verified a few things and told me I’d receive all my money soon.

The next week I received 5 months of unemployment, dumped into my account. Thank ya Jesus was being screamed from my home! I thanked this Twitter woman and continued to follow her. After a while of seeing her posts and comments on other’s post, I realized that she was agnostic or atheist. She did not believe in God but yet God used her to help me. As I recall, when I thanked her, I said “God bless you.”

So let me tell you, you who don’t believe, you who think you’re too bad to be picked, you who haven’t stepped foot in a church in forever, you who thinks nobody loves you including God. I’m talking to you. You are the chosen one! God uses those who have a story to tell. Who have a testimony, you who are passionate about life-changing experiences. It’s not the usual suspects he’s needing, it’s you that he needs. Trust me on this one. I know because he’s using me. And I’m a hot mess! Don’t doubt your intuition, don’t doubt that small voice that’s speaking to you, don’t doubt your gut feeling. Go with it and ask God to guide you and help you. If you say it and mean it, he most definitely will!

The Battle Is Not Yours

I was supposed to have a small outpatient surgery this coming Wednesday in Nashville. Last Monday I started getting roadblocks, not speed bumps to prevent me from having it. I was initially upset, frustrated and I still don’t understand why it’s not working out but I’m accepting it. The old me would’ve tried to beat a square peg into a round hole until I fell out but the new me just accepted that there’s a reason, God knows and he’s in control. I’m believing it and saying “thank ya Jesus” because who knows what situation it saved me from facing. Maybe there’s something better, maybe I won’t need it at all. I trust that it is a door closed for a reason. I say it so often to me and others, faith, and fear cannot exist simultaneously. I’ve lived in fear long enough. I was raised in a fear-based doctrine church, in a fear base home, and surrounded myself with worrywarts and people of little faith. As my mother would say “birds of a feather flock together”. None of it worked in my favor. I’m happy to say that I’ve changed my way of thinking, my tribe, my faith, and my trust in God. Let me also say, it did not happen overnight, it took decades, it took a lot of pain and grief to bring me to my knees of surrendering to him. But believe me, God can show you he’s in control. Don’t doubt it and don’t dare him because it can happen. I don’t know who this is for today but let go of worry, fear, and doubt, it will deliver you. It’s so much easier when you let go and let God. Prayers for all struggling with battles!

Abandonment Robs You

I wrote on Thursday, September 16 “A is for Abandonment as an Adult”. It hit a lot of you, got shared multiple times. I said I would write on it again but I did not expect this soon.

If you or someone you know is physically or emotionally abandoned as a child, your perception is that you are not important. You believe that you do not matter, your needs, your thoughts, your life does not matter. If you were a child in a single-parent home and your parent is gone all the time due to job(s), you are left with huge responsibilities. No child should have to have adult responsibilities. It robs children of their innocence, freedom, identity. Children can’t be free if they have adult responsibilities. Having a list of things to do, like turning off the stove, setting alarms, etc. Children made to be housekeepers are robbed of their childhood innocence. Children need to be free to play, do activities that other children do on the weekends, find their likes and passions. Chores and responsibilities are great but they did not come into this world to do child labor to meet parental needs. The child did not choose the parent. The parent(s) chose to have the child.

When a father emotionally abandons his daughter, here’s what is likely to happen. The father never tells the daughter that she is beautiful, smart, capable, never encourages her. The daughter becomes an adult or dating age and the first man that comes along and tells her that she’s beautiful, smart, encourages her and that she is capable, she follows that man. Because she is so emotionally starved. He may be a narcissist, toxic, he may not be “the one”, but because he has given her a few of her emotional needs, she picks him. I believe marriages do not work, and the divorce rate is so high, because of abandonment. Children that have been abandoned make bad choices in partners due to our emotional and physical needs that were neglected as a child.

To you abandoned child, it was not your fault, you couldn’t help that the parent left you, you did not do anything wrong or cause it. You were a victim based on adult needs and wants. I’m sorry that they hurt you, threw you into adulthood before you were able or capable of handling adult duties. You are now an independent, strong person. You have a lot of quality traits and you deserve to be loved, respected, and heard. Love yourself ❤️

Listen to me

I believe I’ve used up all my words this week. I have done a lot of talking but I’ve also done a lot of listening. Not just listening to business needs but listening to personal issues. I’ve met several people that have talked to me on a personal level. I’ve heard about bad breakups, a guy afraid to admit he’s gay, a parent worried about his children due to their mom is dying, a schizophrenic teen, one with daddy issues, one living at home with parents because life is just too expensive, one feeling like she didn’t fit in. I believe I’ve been the bartender of automotive this week. And you know, I’m good with it because, at the end of the day, they just want to be heard. They need to tell someone, they need to heal, they need to be assured they are gonna be okay. They all need the same thing and that’s emotional support. The relief on their face when they feel safe to say their stuff to me is priceless. I listen, I don’t judge, I encourage them, and assure them it’s going to be okay. It’s not hard to listen to people. They just want to be heard. We all want to be heard. We want to know we are important enough to be heard. If someone is comfortable enough to open up and talk to you and share their stuff, let them. You could be saving a life. Listen without judging and never use their stuff against them. That’s one way to get people to shut down is to take the information they give you and use it against them. Help someone heal today by letting them talk and feel heard.

A is for Abandonment as an Adult

I would like to share information and educate everyone from an adult’s perspective on what happens to a child that is abandoned. When a child no longer has their mother or father either physically or emotionally, it is not for that period that it affects the child. It continues to affect the child until the grave. When a parent leaves a child rather it’s divorce, death, or complete abandonment, the emotional issues are like a domino effect. If the parent is physically present but gone emotionally due to narcotics, work, or whatever the case, it has the same effect. Abandonment from your caregiver is so detrimental. It causes the adult to build walls and not be vulnerable. It causes supersensitivity, insecurities in your relationships, trouble trusting, jealousy, detachment, control issues, self-esteem issues, fear, depression, anxiety, and the list goes on. If you only have one or two of these issues as an adult or child, that’s a lot but most adults have more than two. Most have a long list. It’s a long list that causes trauma for decades. To those that have never had a caretaker abandoned you, you are blessed, lucky and you should give thanks. I encourage you to educate yourself on this subject because more than likely you’ll have a relationship in your lifetime with someone that’s been abandoned. You’ll need to know the possible issues in that relationship. To those who have been abandoned. I am so sorry! I understand your pain and your issues. I want to write more on this subject because in my opinion it’s not talked about enough. In the meantime and until next time, if you know of a child or adult that has been abandoned, please show compassion and grace. Love them as best you can. Please don’t be so quick to judge and understand their triggers if possible. Everyone is fighting a battle, you know nothing about.

Hey Jealousy

Jealousy and envy are not words I identify with easily. I’m generally always happy for someone who has more than me or is doing better than me. I’ve always viewed it as I was fortunate to be their friend so they could share their blessing with me. So when I speak on this subject of being jealous, it’s not something I have personally overcome.

I have been a victim to those with jealousy issues. I’ve learned that people believe because you are the same age, type of job, or same circles that you are living in similar worlds. But when one person moves forward, it’s a game-changer.
Have you ever seen a group of barflies, that meet day after day, week after week for years, and then one day somebody is absent? One decides to stop drinking every day and to participate in other things such as his son’s football game, work, or a date night with his wife. When he makes better choices than a bar fly, he is improving his quality of life and the other flies are upset because he no longer joins in the group. I’ve seen it with football teams too. One player gets 15 plays and the other guy who plays the same position, gets fewer plays and he’s mad because he didn’t get the same or more plays. Instead of learning from the guy who is better and gets more plays, he quits the team. He’s jealous of the guy that is better than him or moved ahead of him. Neither guy is celebrated for being better. When one moves forward, when someone is doing better in life, making better choices, we should be happy for them. We should not be haters. If we want to change our life and receive blessings, let’s be happy for people. Let them share their blessing with you. Encourage, support, and learn from them.

If you’re reading this and you identify as a victim of people’s jealousy, I encourage you to not look back. I applaud you that you are not stuck, you are moving forward and you’re receiving blessings. Maybe it was easy for you or maybe you just made it look easy. Either way, I’d rather be thankful for the hell I don’t look like I’ve been through than to be stuck and jealous.

Because you need more than love

To those who know me personally, it may come as a shock to you that I’ve had my boundaries pushed my whole life. I’m not going to get into a deep dive on me but I will tell you this from the bottom of my heart and please believe me when I say, that you do not have to change, move, dissolve your boundaries for ANYBODY. This includes your mother, your spouse, your children, your best friend since childhood, or your boss. You do not have to compromise disrespect, your peace, your core values, any part of you to make someone else happy. You do not need to please others to be loved. Do not water down your pain, your grief so that others feel less guilty. This is not your issue! Your only concern is to love you. Take care of yourself because if you don’t, nobody else will either. Having boundaries earns respect, love, and honor. If they don’t respect, love and honor you, then let them go. Because what you allow will continue. You are not responsible for making others happy, keeping them at peace, or removing guilt. Protect your emotional health and set boundaries. Make them clear and do not waiver. Now pick up your crowns kings and queens and carry on! ❤️

Face Value

Face value! The words I keep using and applying to people and situations. The definition means to accept someone or something just as it appears; to believe that the way things appear is the way they really are. I’m learning to stop asking why, or wondering. I’m learning to quit justifying or making excuses for people or situations. I find that using my energy for only things I can change or control, which generally narrows down to only my life is the best way to let things go. It’s exhausting to try to change people, just let them be. If they want to reach out, they will. If they say something you don’t understand. Don’t stay awake and wonder, ask them. Take them and situations exactly as they appear. We all know that we are not going to take a baked potato to a pizza by pushing a button. We are not going to do that with people or situations either. And like I told a friend of mine. If someone takes a dollar out of your cash register, accept it and act on it. If they will take a dollar the first time, they’ll take a five, ten, or twenty the next time. When they come back the next time, that’s on you. Accept they are a thief and quit making excuses for them or justifying their actions. I’ve always tried to see the best in people. I’m long-suffering and a believer in second chances but I’m learning, I’m applying and I am finding a lot more energy by believing that baked potatoes will never ever be pizzas.