The Truest Words Spoken

The truest words that were ever spoken.

My narcissist mother passed in 2019 and she never changed. She got better but that was due to her aging and her health declining. Sadly, some people cannot love us how we need to be loved and some people are just not capable. It’s the pint-size vs the 10-gallon size story if you recall that I blogged about a few months ago. Some give you all they have but their pint-size capacity will never fill up a 10-gallon size person.

My narcissists’ relationships never changed either. And I believe my mother and one of my narcissists’ relationships knew they needed to get better. My mother would say “I hope I’m healed before I die.” I never asked what that meant but I knew she wanted to be better. My narcissist relationship would frequently ask “Do you think I’m f up?” That was a loaded question. If I said “Yes” then it would be damage to their ego and a spin-out from that.

I also had an immediate family die from suicide. He didn’t change either. He was an addict and he just couldn’t let go of the demons that fought him to get the help he needed. Heartbreaking for everyone in the family.

In order for a person to change anything the very first step is admitting. You have to get real and say I’ve got to do….. And that sometimes takes an awakening. For me, it takes the bottom of my rope with one fiber left to hold on to. But when I’m done, I am done! I make a change and I inhale and embrace it and savor it and think this feels so good I’m never going back. And that’s the thing when someone is ready, you cannot stop them. You cannot make people. Period!

We find those that align with us. Our core values, our needs including the love we need. We find people that accept us, for our authenticity and accept us for us. For the rest of the folks, you treat them like a cat. Not a house cat but a tiger. I’ll tell you as a psychologist told me once. “You must remember that narcissists have to be treated differently. They look like a house cat but remember they are a tiger. And you cannot let tigers in your safe space. You must keep them at a distance and on a leash at all times or else, what will they do? They will eat you alive. “

Hope this helps someone today. I pray you don’t waste time and energy trying to change someone or hoping they will change. I cannot say it enough, love yourself and quit wishing, hoping, and praying that someone you love and care about changes. ❤️

The Destroyers

Those that want to destroy your power, your happiness, your path to your purpose, passions and gifts to help others are one of the following:

They are your Constituents:

They are your Comrades :

They can be a Constituent, Comrade, or a narcissist parent/relationship. Narcissists are insecure and they often are jealous of their children and siblings. They are jealous because you have something in you that they want, and wish they had in them. That backbone power that comes out in you, they don’t have it. That voice that is loud, they can’t speak it. That boundary you hold, they cannot handle. Your confidence comes from within, not your image.

Be alert 🚨 because many only want to be in your presence to learn from you. They want you to be good but not better than them. Do you boo, do you 100% every single day. Those haters can’t do anything to you. Let them watch from their fake account. Let them know your life is just fine. ❤️

A Survivor’s Quote

I’ve seen this quote twice this week. I read it and think it must’ve been written by a narcissist survivor. It clearly depicts that someone at least got exposed.

My narcissists would say “Sorry” quite a bit but there was never an action that followed the word. Sure there might be make-up gifts or time but not once did I ever hear “I won’t do that again.” I believe if that would’ve been said that would’ve been another lie.

And if I said “ you said blah blah blah”, the response would change the subject or “I know what I said.” The non-commitment to action following “sorry” is part of the game played in their head. The “sorry” gets forgiveness. The gifts are part of the love-bombing, suck you back in and give them control of the situation.

I remember describing the scenario to my shrink once. I said it’s like being with the guy I dated in my younger years that was a functioning alcoholic. He’d get blackout drunk, do outrageous things, like locking me out, hide keys, leave me, and then the next thing I knew I’d have a new designer bag at my door. It was a vicious cycle and lucky for me that one I didn’t love him and two I didn’t tolerate it long.

The last time I heard, he was still an alcoholic, doing the same stuff to someone else. And that’s the thing, there’s always a new victim, a new supply, a new person they can groom to be their perfect person. It took me a very long time to learn this part. We can’t wait for change, we can’t expect change because the bottom line is they cannot change. Can’t ask for medicine if you don’t think you’re sick. Please believe me when I say, you are wasting your time, money, and life. Move on, move out, move smart but move!

Judging in Nashville

Tonight I had dinner in Nashville. I sprinted from my hairdressers to the nearest restaurant/bar to watch the World Series. I came in a few minutes after the game started. Within minutes of sitting at an upscale bar, I was judged on where I lived, for my drink preference, and before the night was over, my entree. 3 different people gave me their free will opinion about what they thought about my life.

Isn’t it strange that we feel entitled enough to judge someone but we don’t care enough to want to know how someone is doing? I think asking “how are you?” or “Are you ok?” is a much better startup conversation than judging one’s choices. Judging someone’s choices is never acceptable. That’s not our job! As I’ve said before, you don’t know why people believe, know, pick, or choose what they do. We don’t know childhood wounds, personality disorders, their struggles. We are not the judge and most of us are not worthy to know their story.

Our job is to help people. Extend a hand to the hurting, the fallen, and the broken. Maybe we need to just slow down and think before we speak. We need to respect others’ traumas. We need to respect other cultures. As my shrink says “not everyone thinks or believes like you.” Everyone is created equally but we all have our own special DNA. We are as special as each snowflake that falls. Let’s do better to be better! Love to all!

The Land of “Why?”

Have you ever been to the land of “Why?” It’s an awful place. I used to live there. The people in the land of “Why?” are called “Wanderers”. They ask a lot of questions. They want to know a lot of stuff.

When I lived there I’d asked “Why?” a lot too. I wanted to know “Why?” the good die too soon and too young. I want to know “Why?” I was born into my family. I needed to know “why?” this happened or that didn’t happen.

I can tell you that living in the land of “Why?” is a place that is back in time. It goes back as far as you can remember. It’s not a progressive place. Nobody ever gets answers in the land of “Why?” They just ask questions and never get anywhere. There are no directions in “Why?”. You will just wander.

Why?” has entertainment like hamsters on a wheel. They also have broken records. And movies that play over and over and over. It’s so exhausting watching the entertainment in “Why?” The entire land is exhausting.

I got tired of living there so I moved. I moved out of the land of “Why?” and told my past goodbye. Now every once and a while I will visit. And guess what, it hasn’t changed a bit. It’s still awful, back in time, same entertainment and you never get anywhere. You just wander.

If you are thinking about going to visit I wouldn’t recommend it. You might get stuck. If you do you’ll get a permanent stamp that says “Why me?” Please take my advice and don’t visit and if you happen to live there, you need to leave ASAP because more than likely you’ll never know “Why?” or change “Why?” so why would you go there?

Stat Changer

I’ve always loved stats. I find it interesting what people like, don’t like, what makes them look, all the good psychological stuff. Since I’ve been blogging, on all social media platforms and have a website, I frequently check my stats. I’m not as concerned about numbers as I am about what is the profile of the person following me, what content interests them and how long they are hanging around the website.

Have you ever noticed that when you do a social media post that you get fewer “likes” than when you post a story on Facebook or Instagram? I’ll get 30-40 folks to look at the story while less than 10 “like” my post. It just means someone is always watching you. Reminds me of the song by Michael Jackson, “ I always feel like somebody’s watching me.” People want to know about you without asking or interacting.

I believe this is something we need to remember as we live our life. What influence are you displaying without someone asking “who are you?” What type of role model are you for your children, grandchildren, and all young eyes? Each generation has the responsibility of leadership to the generations that follow. Maybe that’s where we messed up. We allowed society, the marketing influencers, and advertisers to put so much pressure on us to portray a false image of success that we are not rich with being successful with what’s important such as love, grace, gratitude, being selfless, and genuinely happy with ourselves. We’ve left the basics of success to build an image. I believe our society is reaping what they have sown. In today’s world, you are a rare jewel if you’ve never been divorced, had zero legal issues with your kids, had less than 3 jobs in your life. I know I’m always impressed when someone shares any of those stats with me.

I’ve lived more than 1/2 century and I cannot erase or change my past stats of influence but I get a clean slate every single day and I want my stats to show when I’m gone that I was an influencer of love, gratitude, selflessness, and acceptance. I’ll say it again, we gotta do better to be better. We can’t change the world but we can be a world of change starting now. ❤️

Are You Blessed?

If you’ve followed me long enough on social media or my blog then you know my purpose in telling my stories is not only for my healing but it’s also to educate and help others specifically about narcissists. Since I’ve been blogging about narcissists and studying them like I’m taking a psychology exam, I meet people almost weekly that want to share with me about one of their narcissist relationships. Before I started blogging I never met a soul that opened up to me about narcissists. Coincidental? You know the answer, I think not.

Last night I met 2 young women in their early 20s, and without giving a lot of details, they wanted to know A to Z about narcissists. They asked me so many questions and their minds were like little sponges absorbing every word. They were so grateful for what I told them, not only did I get many “thank you”, multiple hugs, one of them got my information and took my business card. She wants to help me with my purpose by getting me on TikTok. She’s a marketing major and knows marketing technology. She said, “what you are telling us, you need to tell the world and you must have a presence on Tik Tok to get to our generation and go viral.”

Why I am sharing all this with you? Because I’m going to tell you that connections are not coincidental. I keep saying it and I’m going to continue saying it. People you meet are for a reason. Everyone knows something that you do not know. Which makes it more obvious that we are here to help each other and by serving our purpose, utilizing our talents, our passions, and spiritual gifts. If we are not giving back to people, we are missing out on many blessings.

Blessings are not just about having all you need but having enough to share. We need to have enough time to share with others, we need to have enough money to share by helping those who don’t have enough, we need to have enough energy to help others in need of us. What if I never stopped to talk to them. I could have easily focused on the baseball game, blown them off, and justified it. But thank ya Jesus I didn’t take that route or I would’ve missed out on my blessing.

Will you join me by committing to share yourself with others, not only to bless them but to receive your blessing? Let us serve our purpose on why we are here and that’s to help others. Let’s get blessed this week!

It’s Time

I’ve been locked in since I returned from Charleston. I’ve been sick with allergies and because I’ve been under the weather, I’ve taken full advantage of my lockdown and have worked diligently on my memoir.

I’ve struggled with writing my memoir for many reasons but mainly because it’s painful. It’s painful to say what happened to me. It’s equally as painful to say what I had to do to survive. As I write it, tears stream because I often think “I can’t believe, I allowed this.” It’s as though I’m not even writing about my life. And while struggling with my pain this week, I saw this picture on social medía and it spoke to me. It spoke to me so loudly that I printed it out and put it on my refrigerator. I want to see it and keep it as a constant reminder that it’s time to forgive myself.

I often think it’s easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves. We allow guilt and shame for things we had to do to survive. Maybe that’s why we bury so much and can’t let go of it because we are just not ready to forgive ourselves. If God can forgive us and it’s forgotten then why can’t we do the same?

I’m healing, it’s messy and maybe one day I might just make it to that promised land of “healed”. In the meantime, I’m going to keep trying, keep writing, and keep forgiving myself for doing the things I had to do to survive.

The Golden Rule

I’ve blogged about trauma several times. I believe since my awakening that I’ve become more sensitive to other people’s trauma, not just my own. If you read my story “Trauma in Charleston” then you know I was empathetic to the history of Charleston and the lack of respect and honor as it stands today. Turning slave stables into a tourist attraction is disrespectful to black history and the trauma of each generation.

I’ve also become more aware of religious trauma and how many souls have left the church in droves due to the door being shut instead of open to those hurting. Jesus opened the door to ALL. He welcomed everyone from the whoremonger to healing the “demon-possessed”. He had compassion and empathy. So it doesn’t matter what your church, faith, religion is, if you don’t have those things, you are not doing it right!

And that leads me to one of the worst traumas of them all, grief! Grief is a word that covers so many areas. We grieve when a loved one passes, we grieve over job losses, our children, our parents, our families. One thing we all have in common, grief! So why is it that we do not have empathy when people grieve? I bring this subject up because I had a friend reach out to me and tell me her dad passed. She is on the west coast while her dad is in TN and her stepmother told her about the passing the day before the funeral. Knowing she wouldn’t have time to make the funeral.

I don’t know the whole story and it doesn’t matter, here’s the question. If the tables were turned, how would you feel? And that’s the question we need to start asking ourselves. What if that was me? How would I want to be treated? In my lifetime I’ve witnessed more pain and drama due to people’s lack of empathy when a loved one passes. I’ve seen people challenge wills, steal possessions, disrespect family by not including them in decisions, fight over flowers at the funeral home, and lots more. Just downright ugly!

I can’t wrap my brain around it but it seems to be getting worse. Is that what we’ve become? A society that lacks empathy? We know what grief is and how it feels so why are we dismissing compassion when someone is grieving? Why does one think their grief is worse? Let me say it again. We can not measure emotional pain. We just need to respect it! Everyone suffers from their stuff. Stop comparing. We are not in a contest.

My prayer is we wake up! We’ve got to do better to be better. It’s not hard folks. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.