This week I’ve been blogging about sitting with ourselves, healing, and respecting people’s silence when they are not able to speak. While we are healing and aligning withour energy, intuition, and keeping the faith that each day we will be better, let’s not forget to recognize red flags as we communicate with others. If you don’t already know the red flags of a toxic person then please save this, print it, put it on your bathroom mirror, but don’t forget or dismiss these flags.

Every day as I talk to people in person or on the phone, I don’t care if I just met them or have known them for years, I’m aware of red flags. I’m also aware of my energy when they interact with me. The old me ignored red flags, the old me justified, made excuses, and often had compassion or sympathy for them. Great news! The new me does not tolerate, ignore, make excuses, justify or feel compassion for any red flag. I do not care what my relationship is with them. I’m so confident in the new me that I’m certain many folks do not like me now because I’m not broken to their advantage.

If we start looking for red flags then we will usually find more than one in a toxic person. If someone constantly interrupts us, then wait there will be another red flag. It could be grandiosity because they feel their words are more important. If someone is controlling us, wait they may be jealous of our time with others. If they are gaslighting us, watch I bet they don’t respect our boundaries. Toxic folks are like criminals, they usually have more than one thing on their record. Let’s heal together and recognize these red flags! 🚩

I recently lost an old friend of mine. We had been friends since 1994. We met in the car business and he got me into more stuff than I care to remember. Through the years like many friends, he has faded in and out of my life. Some years ago he got on social media and made many comments on my posts. I would always acknowledge him and say something generic. But his last 3 comments on my posts I felt I needed to say more. The 3 most important words I could ever say to him were, “I love you”. If you know me personally, you know that I am not one to just say that on social media to the opposite sex. I never want to misconstrue my intentions or my words. I felt so strongly that I needed to tell my friend that I loved him that I told him 3 times. The last time I told him “I Love You” was on a Wednesday and he passed the next day. When I got the news, I said “thank you Jesus that I acted on my energy and what my heart and soul felt.” No regrets!

Trusting our instincts, practicing our faith, and acting on our energy should be equivalent to the bird in the air that sees a tree, a branch, a twig and decides to land on it. He’s never landed on that twig or branch before but he trusts it. He trusts that the branch is going to support him and he also trusts that branch so much that he builds his nest on it for not only him but his family. Trees fall every day, branches and twigs break every hour but the one that the bird lands on, does not because he has faith and he knows he can trust it. If the birds of the air can trust, believe, have faith, and act on their intuition then why can’t we do the same? I believe it’s the fear from our wounds that speak louder than our intuition. We have got to dismiss the old programming. That stuff we were raised on is the past and it no longer exists. Dismiss the fears that were taught in your upbringing. Act on whatever you feel that is going to bring you closer to your purpose, your gift, and speak positivity in someone’s life.

I wanna talk to y’all about “silence”. Many times I am silent and my silence usually means I am drowning., overwhelmed, depressed, hurting, in pain and it means mostly I cannot speak. Sometimes when we cannot speak it means the pain is too great to say it. Maybe we can’t say it because it makes it too real. I think this is important to note when we don’t hear a return call or text or someone has disappeared from our life.

Before the passing of one of my best friends in 2018 that had cancer, she knew my silence meant I was drowning. And this simple text meant everything to me “Just checking on you sissy.” She didn’t ask if I was ok because she knew I wasn’t ok. Why ask a question that you already know the answer to. She knew me well enough to know what my silence meant. And during the time she was sick and went silent, I tried to remain strong and every week I’d text her “Just checking on you sissy.” because I knew asking how she was doing was probably the dumbest thing I could ask someone with cancer. The obvious answer is not good. And many times I just got a heart or a thumbs up to let me know she appreciated my message.

We can’t take others’ silence personally. We gotta believe that it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with the person in silent mode. Maybe they are down the rabbit hole, maybe they are overwhelmed, maybe they have ADHD and have trouble juggling. All we can do is make zero assumptions and just send a simple text like the one above. Asking how someone is doing or if they are ok is an open-ended question that forces them to reply when they may not be able to reply. The reply is simply for you, not for them. Trying to make someone reply when they are already drowning is not helping them. If you wanna help, take you out of the equation and just send love and support. The sound of silence is about us listening to those who cannot speak.

Someone asked me the other day how I knew that telling my story through writing and blogging was my purpose. After recapping my Dealing to Healing story on my blog website, I told them this story. About 10 years ago or so, shortly after Pinterest was born, I would get on Pinterest, and instead of looking at recipes, clothes, things that most women pin (and I do some), I would look at quotes. I fell in love with quotes because they soothed me and they healed my soul. I would pick out about 20 quotes a week and send them to one of my narcissists.

I’ve been drawn to quotes and lyrics since I was about 10 years old. After my parents divorced, I would sit in the hallway by our bookcases and read the encyclopedia. I wanted to know things about the world so I was fascinated by looking at cities like San Francisco and countries like France. I studied Monte Carlo like I was planning a trip there. Yes! It’s on my bucket list. I also read my bible books a lot. But more than anything the quotes and lyrics were my favorite. I would also play my record player and write the lyrics down before there were lyrics on albums. For those scratching their head right now, no there was no internet when I was a child. And after my mom passed in 2019, writing was cathartic and my hashtag Sunday Sermon was the only thing I had that I looked forward to writing and doing. It was pure therapy!

I believe what we are drawn to and what we love to do is our gift to utilize to not only heal ourselves but to help others. I don’t care what you love to do, clean, sing, sew, dig in the dirt, write, cook, paint, do hair/makeup, golf, or whatever, find a way for it to heal you and find a way to help others. I believe that our God-given talents are not just for us but for us to share with the world. I hope you follow the things that you are silently drawn to, have the courage to do them, even if you’re not a master, and heal yourself while you share it with the world.

I watched Adele and her interview with Oprah last night. So much of what Adele said resonated with me that it brought me to tears. She talked about her father being an alcoholic which is an abandonment wound. A parent choosing an addiction is choosing that substance over the child. The parent may be physically there but they have left the child emotionally. My mother chose pills as her addiction. She never left home without them except once, when my child was born. She came to visit me out of state 550 miles away. My sister made the drive and brought her. They were there less than 24 hours and mom realized she had forgotten her pills. There was so much drama and it was such an ordeal that my sister took her back home. My mother couldn’t even enjoy her grandchild due to her addiction to pills. Needless to say, it was another heartbreak for me. I’m 550 miles away from my family at 28 years old with a newborn and she leaves me.

Adele also talked about her child inner wound and how her therapist told her to sit with her 7-year-old self. She did that and also sat with herself while healing for 2 years. I’ve been told those exact words from my shrink. She’s often demonstrated to me snuggling with my demons. Recognizing them and hovering over my younger self. It’s a hard task to sit and heal while not bringing anybody into your stuff. I admire Adele and anybody that can just sit still with it. Not many people can be still. They feel the need to be moving and grooving. That’s to avoid the pain. The feeling is healing!

And while she was being still she discovered her real self. She discovered after losing almost 100 pounds, that she was an athlete. She found out that her anxiety was controlled by working out and lifting weights. I completely understand that! Whenever I stop working out, I am miserable.

I encourage everyone to sit with themselves and discover the new you. Allow yourself to feel so you can heal.

I tried to not blog today. Did you hear me, I tried to dismiss it so I could “take a break” but first let me say there are no breaks when you have a calling on your life. There are no breaks when you have dreams and purpose in your life. It’s a burning that goes down from your head to your toes and is inside your core. And I don’t know who needs to hear this but whatever your questioning or fighting but it burns inside of you, you gotta do it. It’s like telling a bird not to sing. It’s gonna happen, all you have to do is open your mouth and put forth an effort. Once you put forth an effort, it’s going to happen. May not happen when you think it will happen or may not happen as you think it should happen but it will happen.

Dismiss the narrative in your head. The narrative in our head is a child inner wound, it’s your pain and it’s your grief. The mind can change in a snap. We can think happy one minute and be stressed the next. But you know what doesn’t change? Your heart, your soul, your core. We just have to align our minds with our souls. As my shrink has told me 100 times, “you’ve got to get your soul food”. She didn’t say get your mind food or feeling food, she said “soul food”. That’s what you were created to do, that’s your purpose, that’s your gift. Every single thing we have gone through is for our purpose. I know this because the more I listen to people’s stories the more it confirms that this happened so that could happen. I’ve seen it and witnessed it so many times in my life that it overwhelms me just trying to recollect the moments. But I know I’m not so special that I’m the only one. I hear it almost daily. Things happen for a reason and connections are not coincidental.

We gotta be open to people. Stop división over race, politics, and religion. You gotta welcome all like they are your lifeline because they might just be. When we are hungry we don’t have a prerequisite for the server to get served in the restaurant. We don’t care what their religious belief is or their political belief or the color of their skin. Why? Because when we are hungry that food is our lifeline to continuing to live by nourishing our body. Works the same way when you are trying to heal, serve your purpose and calling. Becoming better is your lifeline to healing your wounds. Someone said, “ why go to grief counseling, you get over it in time.” WHAT? No honey I’m sorry but that is not how it works. We don’t just get over it. How about we bury old bones like a junkyard dog. You may think it’s gone but it’s not gone. It’s there it’s just gonna rear its ugly head in your relationship, in your job, when you least expect it. That pain that you are not willing to transform you will transmit. I encourage you to take nothing lightly, keep your eyes and ears open. God uses everybody and I mean the people you least expect can change your life. They do not have to look like you or believe like you. Claim the affirmation today and have a great weekend!

Yesterday I blogged about not giving your power away by having boundaries. You empower yourself by holding your boundaries or you give your power to others by not having boundaries.

Here’s what else happens when you don’t have boundaries, resentment. Yes! Resentment comes when you don’t have boundaries. We allow someone to do something that we don’t want them to do. Push us to join in an activity, borrow an outfit, whatever they want or need and we don’t say “no” and hold our boundaries. The next thing that happens is we get resentful because now we are blaming them for making us go to the activity, for begging us to borrow the outfit. Know what happens next? The resentment acts out. Now we are trying to get even, get them back, play the tit for tat game. I’ve done it and most definitely had it done to me.

But let’s circle back around to this. Sometimes the reason we can’t have boundaries and enforce them is that we don’t want to be abandoned. We don’t want the person to leave us. We want them to stay and love us even though it’s not the love we always need but maybe the love we think we want. See how that works? It can be a domino effect. And if we think the person is going to leave us first, we can often decide to sabotage the relationship. Abandonment wounds can be ready to fight or flight. It’s a tangled web we weave when we allow someone to cross our boundaries and we don’t enforce them.