Dealing to Healing

🚩 What Is A Narcissist? 🚩

I’ve learned so many don’t know what a narcissist is and therefore cannot identify the characteristics of one. I find this common, especially in older generations. Being a narcissist is different than having narcissism. According to my shrink, we all have a little narcissism in us. Selfies are a great example. Showing new houses, cars, purchases or trips is a form but that does not mean you are a narcissist. The Mayo Clinic’s definition of a narcissist is as follows:

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

It is a personality disorder that happens according to Professor Sam Vaknin between the ages of 6 months to 7 years old. Nobody is born a narcissist, the brain has zero abnormalities. The NPD occurs due to a caretaker that is usually a narcissist not letting the child find their individuality. The caretaker does not allow the child to take the steps needed to become their person. The caretaker pulls the child back from what they want to explore. Holding a child back from exploring and becoming an individual of their own does not give them the love they need. They are never loved as needed until they are adored for their looks, talents, good grades, or an accomplishment. Once the child is recognized for an accomplishment then is when they are considered being loved as needed. This is their supply. They crave love through admiration. Often the accomplishment is what they will usually become great at doing. If it looks they will be image perfect whenever they are out in public.

There’s a much deeper dive to learn how one becomes a narcissist but for now, I think it’s important to know if your narcissist was a golden child, if their caretaker was a narcissist, if they were known for their appearance or their accomplishments. If they were only validated or felt loved for their image or accomplishments. This alone does not make one a narcissist. However, there is a checklist and this is part of the checklist. More to come!

🚩 Like Running On A Hamster Wheel 🚩

Since I’ve been on my path, I’ve limited my time and energy with people. See when you are healing, you can’t just expose yourself to all environments. You must rest, take care of yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s physical or mental, limiting contact with people is necessary so you don’t get reinfected. The minute I feel my energy saying “this does not feel good”, I listen and act. I sometimes believe that is God telling us “no”. I listen and I don’t question it.

Recently I got myself in a situation that exposed me to a narcissist. I knew my energy had told me things about this person but I felt I couldn’t change or control the situation without hurting another person involved. The exposure to the narcissist exhausted me on so many levels that I finally told the person I didn’t want to hurt, that I won’t put myself in this position again. It was a great reminder of where I’d been in my previous life.

I want to talk to anybody that is now in a relationship with a narcissist. It doesn’t matter if it’s your partner, sibling, best friend, mother, dad, or child. When I tell you that shit is exhausting, that’s an understatement. Here’s the thing, you don’t know how exhausted you are until you get out of it. I feel certain you could throw your anxiety and depression meds down the toilet if you just blocked the relationship. And yes I know it’s not as easy when it’s your spouse. I just want you to know that gaslighting will make you think you’re crazy. You will question your thoughts and decisions. Being the wind beneath their wings constantly is literally sucking the life out of you.

I’m saying this in the most loving direct way I can tell you because you just don’t know how black the cloud is over you until you leave it. You cannot play their game. They get full credit for being masters and trying to match them is absurd, because you’ll never match them. I encourage you to limit contact, make your schedule and make it a goal to leave the relationship. Work on you more than them because you will not change them. It’s a complete waste of time.

Your Mental Health Matters

I did not write that quote but I could have written it. I have sacrificed my mental health for others’ priorities, needs, and their lack of disappointment. I’ve focused on others for so long and so much that I am burned completely out now.

Here’s the thing about mental health, nobody can see it until it gets ugly. But health is health rather it’s physical or mental. If we were wrapped in bandages head to toe or showed some physical pain to our peers, then they would accommodate us. They would open doors, assist us, ask if we need anything but because we don’t wear a T-shirt and hat describing our mental health issues then we often get zero accommodations.

We just need to go ahead and assume that everyone has a wound and that everyone is dealing with their devil on their level. Then we must respect when they take care of their mental health. It may look like canceled plans, a phone call not answered, calling in sick to your job, a day at the spa, or cutting toxic family members out of your life. It’s the first step in self-care and that is loving yourself first and quit people-pleasing.

I know many are reading this and saying “I know this” but I say are you doing it? Are you holding boundaries and putting yourself first? I know it’s hard to do but every first step we take is hard. It gets easier to do when you see the benefits. If I sound like I’m pushing this or heavily encouraging it, I am. I know more people that can’t do it than can do it. If you take the first step after reading this, please comment, or direct message me so I can congratulate you. All first steps need to be celebrated. You and your mental health matter!

Your Crown Is Falling

If you haven’t read my story about how Dealing to Healing was born then you may not know that my goal when the blog was born was just not to write and heal me but to help others. The goal was to help just one, one post at a time. I pray that prayer each time I hit the “publish” button. There are times and days that I think I don’t know if I’m helping anyone but I know it’s not a reason not to write. It’s my purpose and if nobody reads it then I’m still doing what I am supposed to do.

My Dealing to Healing Story

Seems like each time I say those words to myself “nobody is reading this”, then boom someone comments, texts, or tells me in person how much I’ve helped them, how they read everything, and it overwhelms my heart and brings tears to eyes. I cry not for my ego but just to think that God took a person with zero education in writing or journalism, a girl that cut her teeth on the automotive business and never knew I had this in me, that it is me that God used to help others. I feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes because it is overwhelming when I think about where I have been in my life. The hell I have survived.

I want to tell you that think you don’t know if you have a purpose, that’s a lie! I want to tell you who have zero education on your passion, your gifts, your talents, don’t let that stop you. It doesn’t matter if you have education, formal training, or zero business sense. Do not let that stop you. Those voices you hear that talk negative talk is your old programming. It’s the voices of the past or as the church folks say, “that’s the devil telling you a lie!” However you want to believe it, just believe it.

Don’t you dare give up. Don’t let anyone stop you. That narcissist you are with will gaslight you to make you think you’re too crazy to serve your purpose. Your parents that don’t believe in you, don’t let that stop you. I had zero encouragement to do anything in life. You find that fight in you, it’s there, and you fight your way to do your purpose. I promise you this, God did not create you to be in a miserable situation. You are a child of a God and you wear your crown proudly. Pick your heads up kings and queens your crown is falling.

Here’s To Mom

Today I woke up with a heavy heart. It was today in 2019 that my mother passed. I had been to the UT/Vandy game in Knoxville. I drove back to Nashville, that drives was the longest, saddest drive of my life.

As you have read in my blog, my mother was a narcissist. I know many of your jaws drop when I put that label on my mother but it’s true and it’s time that I talk about it because I know I’m not alone. I believe it’s ok to say that our families are not perfect, dysfunctional, have labels, just because they are blood doesn’t exempt them from any of that stuff. Talking about it not only lets others know they are not alone but gives insight on how to manage toxic family relationships, if you want to manage and not walk away.

One jewel I hold in my crown is I have accepted my mother being a narcissist. Here’s the thing, she did the best she could with her toolbox. She was raised by an alcoholic father and had 10 siblings. That alone sounds painful. She was born during the depression and comparing that to the pandemic, I think that changes everyone’s mental health. I’m not making excuses I am saying she gave me all she had but it wasn’t enough for me. I am a 10-gallon person and my mother gave all her pint-size love. A pint will never fill up 10 gallons. That’s what we have to understand and accept. Some folks including family just can’t love you the way you need to be loved. So I think we take the things we need and leave the rest. Leaving the rest means holding your boundaries not to let the messy stuff spillover.

I try to let the good outweigh the bad. I think of all the positives she did. Because she was a narcissist I know about body image, how to eat right, exercise, and take care of myself. Because of her work ethic, I learned to be alone and independent. I credit my spiritual beliefs in being raised to know God and to put my faith in him and never in a man. Finding positive qualities in anyone will dilute the toxic and negative. Dilute not dismiss! We must not dismiss what exists, acknowledge it and manage it the best we can.

Here’s to you mom, thank you for giving me all you could give. You did the best you could and I’m sorry for what happened to you. It wasn’t your fault for what happened to you, you just didn’t find a way to heal. It’s ok now because you’re no longer in pain and I’m telling the world they are not alone.

What is Blessed?

I hope all that celebrate Thanksgiving had a happy one. I did some traveling amongst friends in my hometown. One of my stops was seeing an old friend from high school. Her young granddaughter who she raises was right up in our adult conversation. As my friend described her granddaughter’s multiple foot surgeries due to her foot being turned when she was born, I intently listened and then told her granddaughter that she was blessed. Her granddaughter replied, “What’s blessed?” And my friend said it best, “It means you have a very good life.”

I thought about that conversation multiple times and I thought about my friend’s words. I believe so many adults don’t know what blessed is either. They know the word but do they truly believe they have a blessed life? I know those in perfect health but yet they still complain about going to the gym or working out. Many wish they could run or work out but are not able to due to their health. I know folks that make a million dollars a year and some of the most miserable people I know because they realize that money can’t buy happiness and what they want money can’t buy. I could go on and on about what we don’t appreciate and most of us have a really good life.

Let’s not only know the word blessed, let’s know the meaning and be happy for your haves and don’t complain about the have nots. Many times those have nots don’t make your good life better.

The Thankful Game

I know throughout every storm I’ve ridden out, every valley that I’ve crossed, and every season I’ve survived, it’s because I try to stay thankful for my haves in life. If you are thankful for the haves and stop worrying about the have nots, the quality of your life will change for the better. It’s something we should do every day just not during the Thanksgiving season. I’m going to tell you what I’m thankful for according to the M&M color. I would like for y’all to comment on what you are thankful for according to your favorite M&M color.

🟠 I’m thankful first and foremost for my son. I know I’ve screwed a lot up in my life but when I see him, I know I did one thing perfectly. I have to also be thankful for my tribe. It’s those 5 that I talk to every week. I don’t know if I’d be here without my tribe that has held me up for the last 5-10 years.

🟢 I’m very thankful for my home in Atlanta. This Nashville native never gets homesick because I love my city so much. I love the culture, the authentic food, the sports, and the people. I’ve never felt like a stranger here or met a stranger.

🟡 This foodie could never pick just one food because I love just about all food. I’m just thankful that I have it. When the pandemic first hit and I saw empty freezers, coolers , and shelves. It was scary to see. I’ll never forget that image. I thank God for all food.

🔵 D ~ I’m thankful for the “Dealing” in “Dealing to Healing”. Without all my 5 decades of dealing and still dealing, I would not be where I am today. I know my story is someone’s survival guide. My dealing has been my experience for my purpose. Yes! I’m thankful for all my dealing!

🔴 I often think about homeless people and it makes me extra grateful for my home. There is nothing better than a hot shower w soap, a comfortable bed, and a thermostat that works. I think it’s the best part of my day.

I wish you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving and pray you’re blessed. I look forward to seeing your comments about what you are thankful for according to the M&M.

Narcissists Are Church Members

I watched the 20/20 Special the other night with Diane Sawyer interviewing the young women from the House of Horrors. You may recall the couple in California that had 13 children and had them chained, locked up, starving for decades? The parents got life in prison which is still not enough punishment in my opinion.

As the story opened the couple was described as church members, they were strict faith-based, Pentecostal. A church that’s too familiar with me. They used church teachings to raise their children and discipline them. The children were not allowed to do multiple normal things and if they didn’t obey their mother and father they could kill them per scripture.

The parents were going to church on Sundays and during the week slamming their children against the wall, choking and starving them, chaining them up, and not bathing them for a year. It was heartbreaking and it resonated deeply with me.

They were narcissists, the mother was diagnosed with NPD and the father was at minimum a narcissist or maybe sociopath. It terrifies me to see 2 different sides of people. It’s a real-life Jekyll and Hyde. It’s not surprising to me since I saw many Jekyll and Hyde’s growing up in church. I grew up in a strict faith-based church and I saw one person at home and another in the church. The church kept everyone in line by shaming and guilting them with scripture. I thought God stayed mad at all of us. Nobody told me he was full of love and grace. And to this day, I still don’t understand how “Christians” can say slanderous and hurtful things about anyone while going to church and holding a bible. I believe that the scripture that speaks of “beware of false prophets that come to you in sheep’s clothing but are inwardly they are ravening wolves.” is depicting narcissists. Here’s the description:

Signs That Someone Is a Wolf in Disguise

They live to take power instead of empowering others. …
Wolves seem sweet on the outside, but they’ll show you their teeth. …
They manipulate through emotions to get what they want. …
A wolf will charm you first. …
Their stories are full of holes.

As I blogged yesterday, let’s be aware of people’s words and actions matching and energy over everything. Let’s not get fooled by a wolf in sheep’s clothing holding a Bible in their hand and a knife in the other. What do they say now, “stay woke”.

Actions Over Words And Energy Over Everything

The old me hung onto every word that just about anybody told me. I believed every time someone said they loved me, complimented me, said they were supporting me. I trusted their words, didn’t watch for the action or lack of one, and dismissed my energy.

The new me is not so much a listener. I’m now a watcher and a feeler. I’m watching if your words match your actions. I’m trusting my energy that says “lies”, “fake”, “ulterior motives”, “jealous”, “hater “ and “don’t trust it”. I’m feeling their energy over their words. I am also watching for red flags 🚩. I am the red flag 🚩 police now. I’m not giving tickets or citations but just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I am not aware.

We have to be aware of people’s energy, especially those closest to us. We just can’t believe everyone that says they love us. Some folks only say they love us so they can love to hate on us behind our backs. We must pay attention to those backhanded compliments. Jealousy rears its ugly head when one moves forward and exudes confidence in their path. But we don’t apologize for the confidence because when you know, you know, and nobody can break you.

I believe an individual is only as good as the support they receive. If you’re never supported and cheered for your successes and accomplishments then it’s very easy to slip down the slippery slope of going backward. I’m talking to anyone on a recovery path. If you’ve turned over a new leaf, rather you’ve quit substance abuse, left a domestic situation, cut toxic relationships, went no contact with a narcissist, or whatever it is, you should be celebrated. Watch and feel the energy for those “friends” or folks in your circle not clapping for you. Remember that salt looks like sugar and the devil was once an angel so don’t get it confused.

This Is How God Can Turn Any Situation Around

Let me describe in detail how God can turn any situation around. Last Sunday I blogged “Hope in Hopeless” and while I was blogging that morning simultaneously across the state line, close to my hometown in Nashville, TN there was a family that was believing hope in hopeless and they were talking to God about their problems more than they were talking to others. That family you may have seen a social media post (s) on missing children.

As I blogged these words, All that said, have we ever thought let’s just pray. Pray for others’ healing! If we put as much energy into prayer and talking to God as much as we talk to others about our problems and other problems, then we might see an uprising in this country that would bring us back to better days. Like the old folks say, “the good ol’ days”. What would you do for better days? What would you do to see healing for your children, your families, the ones nearest and dearest to your heart? I know prayer works and it’s the only thing that can change things from no hope to hope. My prayer is that you receive this and know that the word “hope” is in “hopeless”.

There was a group of over 20k people praying for a 3-year-old and a 16-year-old to be unharmed and returned to their families. If you ever need or want proof that prayer works or that any situation can change by God, that happened right before our eyes. It happened because people prayed but not just prayed, they believed. Praying without believing and not having faith is just words. Believe what you are asking for in prayer.

Then across the country almost 2 weeks later, in San Bernardino, California there was a woman who acted on her intuition, her energy and she believed in herself so much that she contacted the sheriff of the county to report seeing 2 missing children. What if she didn’t listen to her intuition? This here is why I continuously say “listen to your intuition, that energy that pulls you, that instinct you feel.” That is God in you trying to tell you something.

My prayer and my hope are to all that witnessed that situation unfold and change miraculously before our eyes, that you know prayer works when you believe, don’t give up because it’s his timing, not ours, listen to your energy, when God in you speaks please act on it. And that is how God can turn any situation around.