Take Responsibility

As I continue to heal, I have lots of questions, and the one burning question I had for my shrink last week, “It’s not a narcissist fault that they are a narcissist, any more than it is my fault for my wounds. So why do we have to block, cut them off, fence ourselves in from them?” She said, “It’s not our fault that we have wounds, but your healing is your responsibility.”

I used this analogy in my mind. If we are all in the hospital, some of us are in the ICU, CCU, ER, some of us are in therapy, some are trying to get discharged. If we are not on the same level of trauma then it’s ok. It’s ok if I get out before you do or you get out before I do. We just have to be fine with where we are in our stuff. We have to protect ourselves and hold our boundaries from those not as well as us. We can’t take the risk of getting sicker or not getting better.

As I’ve told the ones closest to me, if you fall, you’re going to most likely fall down than up. Most people fall down the hill, down the steps, or drown trying to pull someone up. Makes sense why we have to fence ourselves in from some and keep others on a leash. Not everyone deserves us and we can’t save people. We can’t just give our time and energy to anyone no matter the relationship or time known. Remember toxic is toxic, even blood family, and until someone wants to get better, change and heal we cannot make them. I know I’ve said this before but I’m saying it again because that’s how we learn is repeating what we know and the truth. Healing is our responsibility!

Quit Watering Weeds

On average, I get 10-15 calls/texts from spam, robocalls & time wasters. I block them as soon as I see the missed call/text. I don’t want them in my phone or taking up space in my life. Shout out to the person that invented “block”, the best thing ever invented. That “block” prevents triggers, allows me not to waste my time, stops the toxic from entering my life. It’s a guard, a shield that protects me.

Now I’m using the same process and applying a “virtual block” for real life. I’ve wasted enough time allowing people to cross my boundaries, take up my time and energy. I’ve poured into many that have not poured back into me. I’ve made investments in many with zero returns. I’ve opened the door to toxic relationships. If I won’t allow it on my phone then I should not allow it in my life.

As I’ve told my tribe many times, there’s going to be some that don’t like the new me but I’m ok with that because I haven’t liked the old me for a long time. I’m done watering weeds. I’m hitting “block” and pouring into people and things that pour back into me.

Boundaries With Family

The most common conversation I have with friends is “boundaries” or lack of should I say. I’ve had conversations in recent weeks and I hear the same thing, it’s a family member not respecting my friend’s boundaries. That’s the question, why do we have such difficulty holding our boundaries with family? These people in our house are breaking rules and disrespecting us. We wouldn’t allow a stranger to just come in and have their way in our house so why do we allow it? Maybe we are afraid that they won’t love us or they’ll leave us. Maybe it’s because we just don’t want confrontation with them. Could be we are overcompensating to make up for an area we have guilt or shame. Maybe it’s empathy. It doesn’t matter why we allow it, not holding our boundaries is allowing complete manipulation. Anything and everything we say that we don’t back up with action are just words that go in one ear and out another.

I’ve seen folks say “I’m DONE!” and the next 2-3 days they are back allowing the same old crap! I’m not preaching, I’m guilty of it too. It’s difficult but unless we draw a line in the sand, mean it and hold it, they will never respect or believe us.

Boundaries prevent us from being needy, empathetic, controlling, they protect us from emotional abuse. They also prevent triggers. It’s up to us to teach everyone including family how we want to be treated. But what if they get mad or upset with me? All the more reason you need the boundary. If anyone gets upset, that can be part of the manipulation. We are also not responsible for others’ emotions. We are only responsible for ourselves. Our boundaries, our wounds, and our healing.

The holidays are around the corner. Maybe if we start practicing now we’ll be successful by the time they’re here. Let’s do this! Hold our boundaries with our family!

Dropped Off At A Doorstep

Sunday I was watching church online. Bishop prayed for a man that had lost his child. As Bishop prayed for the man, he broke down and cried, his cry was painful to hear. You could hear the pain, the hurt in his voice as he almost screamed through his tears. I was so touched and moved that I cried too as I watched him.

Hours later I still could not get the image out of my mind. I thought that man would give everything he had to have his child back. And if that was possible, he’d love that child, be appreciative and happy with just the child’s presence. And that’s when it hit me. We have children that have been abandoned by self-absorbed, selfish parents. They have a child but they don’t appreciate or recognize the child. Children that haven’t had support for their greatness, been loved as needed or appreciated for what they are and that’s a gift. Children are gifts. Not everyone can have a child and those who have lost a child would give anything to bring them back.

Children that are abandoned physically or emotionally, grow up to be adults. They grow up but they don’t grow out of the pain of being abandoned. The pain of not being loved as needed is still there. The triggers of not being supported encouraged and accepted still exists. We have adults walking around with still 2-year-old needs.

To those who had 2 caretakers that gave you all you needed, this may sound strange to you but believe me when I tell you there’s a big percentage of children that are abandoned in some form or fashion. The abandonment wound is real. Since we don’t walk around with T-shirts and hats that say “I was abandoned”, maybe we need to consider this and encourage, support, and love everyone as if they were abandoned. Love them like they were dropped off at a doorstep because many were and many have that same abandonment wound.

I’m a Sinner and I Like It That Way

“I’m a sinner and I like it that way.” That’s a quote I don’t hear directly but I hear it indirectly almost daily.

Somewhere along the way the “church” and the “Christians” have set precedence to our society that if you do blah blah blah then you are NOT a Christian and if you do blah blah blah then you are a Christian. It’s not working, trust me. I know more agnostic and atheist people today than ever.

This is what I hear from older generations and they grew up in strict church doctrines, fear-based beliefs, and fear-based homes. They were scared to smoke, drink, dance, go to the movies, and just do normal things that young people do. If you keep telling anybody “no” enough, they will break out. They will do it in spite, do it as a resentment, a choice of freedom and some never go back. Could you blame them? And as a result of it, they have religious trauma. Yes! That’s real trauma.

And then I hear “if that’s what a Christian looks like or that’s how your church treats people, I don’t want no part of it.” Boom! Let me talk to the people representing. The lines of Christianity and non Christianity have become blurred. There are people out there that never go to church that claim zero religion and don’t have a Bible or a cross hanging and are treating folks better than the “Christians”. They are helping the hungry, the homeless, the “I just got out of jail” person. They are representing Jesus rather they intend to or not. They are good hearts with compassion and empathy. You cannot hold a Bible in your hand while not having compassion or empathy. You cannot judge folks while your household is full of anger, lies and deception. You can’t just show up on Sunday and claim Christianity. That’s not how it works.

If you wanna win people then know that “love wins”. The first step is showing love, compassion, and empathy. Keep your mouth shut and listen to them. They’ll tell you how they are hurting and broken. The next step is to quit judging folks. We can’t even fix ourselves so what makes anybody powerful enough to tell others how to live. Accept people as they come. We’ve all got issues. And most of us have the same goal to get better. And if you’re worried about their soul, leave that up to God. When folks want to open themselves up to more and they will. You don’t have to push anything down their throat. Just love them or else they are just gonna keep liking being a “sinner”.

The Truest Words Spoken

The truest words that were ever spoken.

My narcissist mother passed in 2019 and she never changed. She got better but that was due to her aging and her health declining. Sadly, some people cannot love us how we need to be loved and some people are just not capable. It’s the pint-size vs the 10-gallon size story if you recall that I blogged about a few months ago. Some give you all they have but their pint-size capacity will never fill up a 10-gallon size person.

My narcissists’ relationships never changed either. And I believe my mother and one of my narcissists’ relationships knew they needed to get better. My mother would say “I hope I’m healed before I die.” I never asked what that meant but I knew she wanted to be better. My narcissist relationship would frequently ask “Do you think I’m f up?” That was a loaded question. If I said “Yes” then it would be damage to their ego and a spin-out from that.

I also had an immediate family die from suicide. He didn’t change either. He was an addict and he just couldn’t let go of the demons that fought him to get the help he needed. Heartbreaking for everyone in the family.

In order for a person to change anything the very first step is admitting. You have to get real and say I’ve got to do….. And that sometimes takes an awakening. For me, it takes the bottom of my rope with one fiber left to hold on to. But when I’m done, I am done! I make a change and I inhale and embrace it and savor it and think this feels so good I’m never going back. And that’s the thing when someone is ready, you cannot stop them. You cannot make people. Period!

We find those that align with us. Our core values, our needs including the love we need. We find people that accept us, for our authenticity and accept us for us. For the rest of the folks, you treat them like a cat. Not a house cat but a tiger. I’ll tell you as a psychologist told me once. “You must remember that narcissists have to be treated differently. They look like a house cat but remember they are a tiger. And you cannot let tigers in your safe space. You must keep them at a distance and on a leash at all times or else, what will they do? They will eat you alive. “

Hope this helps someone today. I pray you don’t waste time and energy trying to change someone or hoping they will change. I cannot say it enough, love yourself and quit wishing, hoping, and praying that someone you love and care about changes. ❤️

The Destroyers

Those that want to destroy your power, your happiness, your path to your purpose, passions and gifts to help others are one of the following:

They are your Constituents:

They are your Comrades :

They can be a Constituent, Comrade, or a narcissist parent/relationship. Narcissists are insecure and they often are jealous of their children and siblings. They are jealous because you have something in you that they want, and wish they had in them. That backbone power that comes out in you, they don’t have it. That voice that is loud, they can’t speak it. That boundary you hold, they cannot handle. Your confidence comes from within, not your image.

Be alert 🚨 because many only want to be in your presence to learn from you. They want you to be good but not better than them. Do you boo, do you 100% every single day. Those haters can’t do anything to you. Let them watch from their fake account. Let them know your life is just fine. ❤️

A Survivor’s Quote

I’ve seen this quote twice this week. I read it and think it must’ve been written by a narcissist survivor. It clearly depicts that someone at least got exposed.

My narcissists would say “Sorry” quite a bit but there was never an action that followed the word. Sure there might be make-up gifts or time but not once did I ever hear “I won’t do that again.” I believe if that would’ve been said that would’ve been another lie.

And if I said “ you said blah blah blah”, the response would change the subject or “I know what I said.” The non-commitment to action following “sorry” is part of the game played in their head. The “sorry” gets forgiveness. The gifts are part of the love-bombing, suck you back in and give them control of the situation.

I remember describing the scenario to my shrink once. I said it’s like being with the guy I dated in my younger years that was a functioning alcoholic. He’d get blackout drunk, do outrageous things, like locking me out, hide keys, leave me, and then the next thing I knew I’d have a new designer bag at my door. It was a vicious cycle and lucky for me that one I didn’t love him and two I didn’t tolerate it long.

The last time I heard, he was still an alcoholic, doing the same stuff to someone else. And that’s the thing, there’s always a new victim, a new supply, a new person they can groom to be their perfect person. It took me a very long time to learn this part. We can’t wait for change, we can’t expect change because the bottom line is they cannot change. Can’t ask for medicine if you don’t think you’re sick. Please believe me when I say, you are wasting your time, money, and life. Move on, move out, move smart but move!

Judging in Nashville

Tonight I had dinner in Nashville. I sprinted from my hairdressers to the nearest restaurant/bar to watch the World Series. I came in a few minutes after the game started. Within minutes of sitting at an upscale bar, I was judged on where I lived, for my drink preference, and before the night was over, my entree. 3 different people gave me their free will opinion about what they thought about my life.

Isn’t it strange that we feel entitled enough to judge someone but we don’t care enough to want to know how someone is doing? I think asking “how are you?” or “Are you ok?” is a much better startup conversation than judging one’s choices. Judging someone’s choices is never acceptable. That’s not our job! As I’ve said before, you don’t know why people believe, know, pick, or choose what they do. We don’t know childhood wounds, personality disorders, their struggles. We are not the judge and most of us are not worthy to know their story.

Our job is to help people. Extend a hand to the hurting, the fallen, and the broken. Maybe we need to just slow down and think before we speak. We need to respect others’ traumas. We need to respect other cultures. As my shrink says “not everyone thinks or believes like you.” Everyone is created equally but we all have our own special DNA. We are as special as each snowflake that falls. Let’s do better to be better! Love to all!

The Land of “Why?”

Have you ever been to the land of “Why?” It’s an awful place. I used to live there. The people in the land of “Why?” are called “Wanderers”. They ask a lot of questions. They want to know a lot of stuff.

When I lived there I’d asked “Why?” a lot too. I wanted to know “Why?” the good die too soon and too young. I want to know “Why?” I was born into my family. I needed to know “why?” this happened or that didn’t happen.

I can tell you that living in the land of “Why?” is a place that is back in time. It goes back as far as you can remember. It’s not a progressive place. Nobody ever gets answers in the land of “Why?” They just ask questions and never get anywhere. There are no directions in “Why?”. You will just wander.

Why?” has entertainment like hamsters on a wheel. They also have broken records. And movies that play over and over and over. It’s so exhausting watching the entertainment in “Why?” The entire land is exhausting.

I got tired of living there so I moved. I moved out of the land of “Why?” and told my past goodbye. Now every once and a while I will visit. And guess what, it hasn’t changed a bit. It’s still awful, back in time, same entertainment and you never get anywhere. You just wander.

If you are thinking about going to visit I wouldn’t recommend it. You might get stuck. If you do you’ll get a permanent stamp that says “Why me?” Please take my advice and don’t visit and if you happen to live there, you need to leave ASAP because more than likely you’ll never know “Why?” or change “Why?” so why would you go there?