Feeling Is Healing

I watched Adele and her interview with Oprah last night. So much of what Adele said resonated with me that it brought me to tears. She talked about her father being an alcoholic which is an abandonment wound. A parent choosing an addiction is choosing that substance over the child. The parent may be physically there but they have left the child emotionally. My mother chose pills as her addiction. She never left home without them except once, when my child was born. She came to visit me out of state 550 miles away. My sister made the drive and brought her. They were there less than 24 hours and mom realized she had forgotten her pills. There was so much drama and it was such an ordeal that my sister took her back home. My mother couldn’t even enjoy her grandchild due to her addiction to pills. Needless to say, it was another heartbreak for me. I’m 550 miles away from my family at 28 years old with a newborn and she leaves me.

Adele also talked about her child inner wound and how her therapist told her to sit with her 7-year-old self. She did that and also sat with herself while healing for 2 years. I’ve been told those exact words from my shrink. She’s often demonstrated to me snuggling with my demons. Recognizing them and hovering over my younger self. It’s a hard task to sit and heal while not bringing anybody into your stuff. I admire Adele and anybody that can just sit still with it. Not many people can be still. They feel the need to be moving and grooving. That’s to avoid the pain. The feeling is healing!

And while she was being still she discovered her real self. She discovered after losing almost 100 pounds, that she was an athlete. She found out that her anxiety was controlled by working out and lifting weights. I completely understand that! Whenever I stop working out, I am miserable.

I encourage everyone to sit with themselves and discover the new you. Allow yourself to feel so you can heal.

Hope Is In Hopeless

Now that I’ve had my awakening and I’m on my path of healing and spiritual journey. I realize that the entire world is wounded. Everyone has something! As a good friend of mine said, “Everyone is xxxxxx up whether they know it or not.” I know many have not discovered it, many are in denial, some are further ahead than others on the journey and we are all on different paths.

I believe that prayer for healing is a must. As we continue to fuel division and play the blame game, why don’t we see that everyone is a product of their wounds? Let me say that again, everyone is a product of their wounds! We tend to look at folks with the natural eye and judge them ferociously. Instead of judging, fueling division, and pointing fingers in the blame game, let’s stop and pray for healing. We can’t fix them! We’ve tried! We’ve tried with medications, we’ve tried with our judicial system, we’ve tried with voting this one in and that one out, we’ve tried with therapists, doctors, and priests. We have exhausted all avenues to get folks better but we can’t. Many can’t even get themselves better. Many are trying but we need to keep looking at the man in the mirror instead of flipping the mirror to others. All that said, have we ever thought let’s just pray. Pray for others’ healing! If we put as much energy into prayer and talking to God as much as we talk to others about our problems and other problems, then we might see an uprising in this country that would bring us back to better days. Like the old folks say, “the good ol’ days”. What would you do for better days? What would you do to see healing for your children, your families, the ones nearest and dearest to your heart? I know prayer works and it’s the only thing that can change things from no hope to hope. Believe me when I say, if the mattress opened up and swallowed me at my lowest point, I would not be writing this to you. But I held on to the only hope I know and that is God. The only thing I had left was prayer and I didn’t know if God was there or listening and at times questioned his existence. But thank ya Jesus he was there and he heard my prayer and didn’t let the mattress swallow me or let me die in my sleep. He has a purpose for me and he has a purpose for you. My prayer is that you receive this and you know that the word “hope” is in “hopeless”. Let’s just agree to pray for healing for all. ❤️

Shorty

To those who know me personally, know that I’ve been on a mission and a little obsessed with my friend’s grandson that is missing due to his father did not return him from visitation last weekend. It’s not only resonated with me but it’s been a trigger.

I was 10 years old when my mother left my daddy and they divorced. She kept me from him as much as she could. I was heartbroken because he was no longer in my life and I missed him terribly. It was a very toxic and traumatic situation. The memories are still painful today. I’m still healing and grieving over my daddy. He passed in 99 and it was the hardest day of my life. He was my first love!

I found this quote, cried and saved it. I’ve looked at it weekly since I saved it weeks ago. My daddy was 6’4 and as a child, he called me “shorty”.

As I think of this 3-year-old being separated from his mother, not being in a stable environment, not knowing what is going on, just makes me sick. The trauma that this child is going through is unimaginable. The pain and heartache that his mother is feeling are unimaginable. I know as a mother I cannot conceive the pain she is enduring as she waits and prays for her child’s safety.

The abandonment wound is real! As an adult you can have anxiety, panic attacks, pick bad partners, be clingy or alienate relationships, you can sabotage relationships, be codependent, have low self-esteem, feel unworthy, feel unloved, have difficulty trusting, people-pleasing, and depression. There’s always the absence of love, safety, trust, belonging, and connection. I wouldn’t wish any one of these on anybody. It’s an awful way to live your life.

Those who know me personally can now understand why I’m on a mission to find these children and return them safely to their families. If the abandonment wound resonates with any of you and you completely understand what I am saying, then please pray for these children’s safe return and healing for them. This world doesn’t need any more abandonment wounded children or adults. 💔

It’s Like Fire Shut Up In My Bones

I tried to not blog today. Did you hear me, I tried to dismiss it so I could “take a break” but first let me say there are no breaks when you have a calling on your life. There are no breaks when you have dreams and purpose in your life. It’s a burning that goes down from your head to your toes and is inside your core. And I don’t know who needs to hear this but whatever your questioning or fighting but it burns inside of you, you gotta do it. It’s like telling a bird not to sing. It’s gonna happen, all you have to do is open your mouth and put forth an effort. Once you put forth an effort, it’s going to happen. May not happen when you think it will happen or may not happen as you think it should happen but it will happen.

Dismiss the narrative in your head. The narrative in our head is a child inner wound, it’s your pain and it’s your grief. The mind can change in a snap. We can think happy one minute and be stressed the next. But you know what doesn’t change? Your heart, your soul, your core. We just have to align our minds with our souls. As my shrink has told me 100 times, “you’ve got to get your soul food”. She didn’t say get your mind food or feeling food, she said “soul food”. That’s what you were created to do, that’s your purpose, that’s your gift. Every single thing we have gone through is for our purpose. I know this because the more I listen to people’s stories the more it confirms that this happened so that could happen. I’ve seen it and witnessed it so many times in my life that it overwhelms me just trying to recollect the moments. But I know I’m not so special that I’m the only one. I hear it almost daily. Things happen for a reason and connections are not coincidental.

We gotta be open to people. Stop división over race, politics, and religion. You gotta welcome all like they are your lifeline because they might just be. When we are hungry we don’t have a prerequisite for the server to get served in the restaurant. We don’t care what their religious belief is or their political belief or the color of their skin. Why? Because when we are hungry that food is our lifeline to continuing to live by nourishing our body. Works the same way when you are trying to heal, serve your purpose and calling. Becoming better is your lifeline to healing your wounds. Someone said, “ why go to grief counseling, you get over it in time.” WHAT? No honey I’m sorry but that is not how it works. We don’t just get over it. How about we bury old bones like a junkyard dog. You may think it’s gone but it’s not gone. It’s there it’s just gonna rear its ugly head in your relationship, in your job, when you least expect it. That pain that you are not willing to transform you will transmit. I encourage you to take nothing lightly, keep your eyes and ears open. God uses everybody and I mean the people you least expect can change your life. They do not have to look like you or believe like you. Claim the affirmation today and have a great weekend!

The Domino Effect

Yesterday I blogged about not giving your power away by having boundaries. You empower yourself by holding your boundaries or you give your power to others by not having boundaries.

Here’s what else happens when you don’t have boundaries, resentment. Yes! Resentment comes when you don’t have boundaries. We allow someone to do something that we don’t want them to do. Push us to join in an activity, borrow an outfit, whatever they want or need and we don’t say “no” and hold our boundaries. The next thing that happens is we get resentful because now we are blaming them for making us go to the activity, for begging us to borrow the outfit. Know what happens next? The resentment acts out. Now we are trying to get even, get them back, play the tit for tat game. I’ve done it and most definitely had it done to me.

But let’s circle back around to this. Sometimes the reason we can’t have boundaries and enforce them is that we don’t want to be abandoned. We don’t want the person to leave us. We want them to stay and love us even though it’s not the love we always need but maybe the love we think we want. See how that works? It can be a domino effect. And if we think the person is going to leave us first, we can often decide to sabotage the relationship. Abandonment wounds can be ready to fight or flight. It’s a tangled web we weave when we allow someone to cross our boundaries and we don’t enforce them.

Who’s Got The Remote Control?

More conversations….I frequently hear, “they can’t do that”, “he better not”, “she needs to do this or that”, we are putting our wish list on others that we have no control over what they do or don’t do. I have a friend that got hit on by a guy. She had zero interest in having a romantic relationship with him. He was persistent and she didn’t hold her boundaries because she was trying to be nice. I told her that he has a job and that is to get his needs met. He’s looking for more than a platonic relationship. And she has a job and that’s to hold her boundaries and draw a line in the sand. All she can do is control it from her side because she has zero control over his side. I know she didn’t want to piss him off but loving yourself sometimes pisses people off and that is okay and sometimes to be expected.

Thats all we can do is control what we can and it’s up to each individual to hold their boundaries because everyone in this world has a job. Some are looking for love, some are trying to get their needs met, some are looking for quick money, some seek power, some want our time, and on and on and on. We can’t control their attitude, actions, behavior, how they speak to us but we can control our attitude, actions, behavior, and how we speak to people.

Holding our boundaries shows others who we are and who we are not. The more we hold our boundaries, the more our energy empowers us. When we don’t hold boundaries our energy leaks and instead of empowering ourselves we empower others to do things to us that do not feel good. Think of it as your power is within your boundaries. You are your own remote control. Handing someone a remote allows them to access everything. Let’s keep the power, hold the remote and control it from our side.

Sorry Does Not Mean Changed

Recently I had 2 conversations about this exact quote.

The word “sorry” means absolutely nothing to me. For me, it is a word used to manipulate the victim. It allows someone to put the victim back in a position so they can do the same thing to them again. It’s a narcissist’s favorite word. Saying “sorry” and repeating the action is “not sorry”, it’s a form of manipulation. As I told my tribe, the first time might be a mistake but the second time is a choice. I’d rather for you not to apologize and be clear that you are not remorseful than to apologize and do the same action all over again.

Some only apologize to make themselves feel better and less guilty or less shameful. Because they can always say, “Well I said I was sorry.” and that should clear the shame and make the victim erase the slate. The real sign of remorse is not doing the same action again. If the actions do not change then the word means nothing.

The reward for the action not being repeated is the victim’s trust. The negative reinforcement for the action being repeated is the victim’s lack of availability including lack of time, energy, and attention to them. We can not reward their inconsistency with our consistency. One must prove they are remorseful by not repeating the action and showing they have changed. Let’s not get manipulated with a word that shows no tangible fruit.

Delayed Gratification > Instant Gratification

Last Sunday I listened to a sermon called “Delayed Gratification”. Bishop talked about how instant gratification has taken priority in our lives. We want instant “likes”, “follows” and go viral videos. If we can’t lose weight by pulling away and working it off, we take a pill, a shake, wanting it instantly. We have become a society that cannot save for something, we want it now so let’s finance it or put it on the credit card and worry about it later.

But just like a tree that grows fast, it will not last. Anything that grows slow will last long. If your business takes off overnight, you don’t have time to plan, you don’t know which direction to go when something explodes. But more than anything, you don’t appreciate it when it is instant. Digging or building a goldmine is appreciated more than buying one.

Last week the Braves won the World Series after 26 years of trying. For 26 years they worked, they tried 100 different ways to win and when they finally figured it out they were more appreciative than if they won the year before last.

That’s how it works with God. He allows seasons of growing slow, through work, trial and error, through hard times so that when it’s time to win, we will appreciate it. If we can’t hang with him during the suffering and keep the faith then we don’t deserve the prize. Dying on the cross was the suffering that Jesus did for 3 days to get the prize of forgiveness, love, grace, and healing.

I’m trying to remember this on my hard days. During the seasons when I feel forsaken. Just because you feel like you’re in the dark doesn’t mean you’re dead and buried. Seeds are buried everyday and they are alive. Know that the plant will bloom, the team will win, the people will like, delayed gratification is on the way. Keep working, trying, growing, and keep the faith.

Kenya

There was a time in my life that I was overwhelmed because I couldn’t say “no” to the ones closest to me. I felt I had to do as asked because nobody else would do it or it was my duty. I would do it all while gritting my teeth, exhausting myself, and having resentment. I thought it was just easier to do it than to say no and explain why I couldn’t or did not want to do it.

One day I reached a breaking point. That’s what happens when you stuff things. It eventually explodes like a volcano. My mother had asked me to do something and I replied, “You should’ve just named me Kenya! You say “Can ya” “Can ya “Can ya” “Can ya” “Can ya” til all I hear is Kenya.” She looked surprised when I said it but then laughed because she knew it was true. She apologized and went right back to asking me and I went right back to doing. It was a running joke with us until the day she died. She knew it was exhausting to me but she couldn’t help herself and I couldn’t say “no”.

You are reading this right now and resonating with it because your mother, dad, sibling, children, grown children, and/or friends do the same thing. They ask and know you’re tired but they just cannot help themselves to ask one more time. It is up to you, me, each individual to hold our boundaries. Nobody is going to say “Stop! You are tired.”

You know the saying, “Nobody is coming to save you”, referring to making you get up to work, exercise, pull you up when you fall. Use that same mindset that nobody is going to tell you to stop. Not a soul is going to say you do too much for me please stop. Folks will let you and wear you out until you fall out. We must hold our boundaries, we must speak up, we must listen to our intuition, we must or we will always be referred to as “Kenya”.

Boundaries to Empower Yourself

I was born to a narcissist caretaker. The only time I was given what I needed in love and acceptance is when I was putting all my energy into them. It was what she liked, she wanted, she needed, her time, her place, everything was based on her feelings and the world revolved around her. Condition anyone to that for decades and I promise you, that’s the person you become. An empath that feels so deeply they should help others that they lose themselves. Have you ever completely lost yourself?

I’ve lost myself, my true self, and didn’t even know it. I’ve had a magnet on me to repeat what I learned to just be ok with it because I thought it was love. My thoughts and the inner child said “Oh you’ll love me more if I do this or that. You’ll be happier if I do this or that.”I’ve served others for so long that I am programmed to think this is what I must do or have to do for someone to be happy and love me.

News flash those days are gone! I now set boundaries with myself. I allow myself to get completely lost in my world, my space. I’m reinventing myself to not be concerned about what others need or what makes them happy. And let me say I’m damn proud of myself. Let me say it again I am proud of me!

I no longer allow others to pull at me, to control me with what they need or what they want. I spent 50 plus years with a phone up my butt just to be available to narcissists. You better not have an emergency with me or you’ll need to call 911. It’s the new me, take me or leave me. I will still be loving me no matter what you decide. And this is what boundaries with yourself looks like for anybody on the same path. As my shrink told me long ago, “you don’t owe anybody anything including your parents. They picked you, you did not pick them.” It’s time we empower ourselves!