Narcissists do not like any holiday or special occasion that takes the focus off them. From my childhood thru adulthood, Christmas, birthday, or any other holiday was never special. I was lucky to have it celebrated. If I heard “it’s just another day” from my mother once I heard it at least a thousand times. She didn’t decorate for any holiday, not even a Christmas tree. I think one year she got one due to shame because I was young and she folded with a Charlie Brown tree.

I never had a birthday party until I threw myself one at 50 years old with the help of a friend and my sister.

Halloween was forbidden due to that was the “devil’s holiday” (insert eye roll here) because that was the church doctrine.

Easter was about church and seeing who could out-dress each other in the narcissistic fashion show. I always had a new dress and pair of shoes and that was more important than having an Easter basket because the Easter basket didn’t reflect my mother. It would only bring me happiness.

Thanksgiving was celebrated because it was about my mother. It was about her cooking and showing her talent in the culinary department.

The only celebration she loved was Mothers Day, her birthday, and “her” Christmas. She would start months ahead of her special day to tell me and my sister what she wanted but she would always start with “Don’t get me anything but if you do, get me this.” Then her wish list would roll out. Believe me, it was never anything from Walmart or something inexpensive. When she said she wanted an Estée Lauder fragrance, she meant the parfum, never the cologne or less. If we got anything that didn’t suit her specific demands, she would tell us right there with the gift wrappings in her lap, she was taking it back. She was not going to accept anything that she didn’t like or want. She was like that until the day she died. Her specifics never lightened up and it was always a demand.

Narcissists hate special occasions not only because it takes the focus off them but they lack joy and empathy for those who look forward to it. So they do what they can to destroy the holiday or special occasion for others. I do not have enough space to tell you how many holidays or special occasions were ruined due to drama, starting fights, and acting out in my family.

I’ll share more later about specifics on narcissists hating holidays and special occasions but for now, put it on your checklist. If you know someone who ruins holidays, special occasions, even vacations or trips, they might be a narcissist.

Get your checklist out and put the word “control” down. Narcissists love control. Every narcissist I know or had a relationship with has been controlling. You will be a squirrel in their world. Going back and forth across the street because they control everything. They always have the television remote. And it’s their show, their volume, their music, their thermostat, I know narcissists that control their partner’s phone by listening and interjecting in conversations, breaking in their partner’s text messages, iCloud, putting hidden cameras in private spaces, tracking their partners. These are all the obvious control tactics.

Here’s what I call the “silent control”. It’s I will call you right back, so you’re thinking just any minute or a few minutes they will call you so you don’t take or make another call. And maybe they call you back and maybe they don’t. Either way, it’s controlling you not to get into another conversation. Or it’s I’ll be there Saturday. And if you say “what time?” You may get an answer but more than likely something vague so that way they want you to just stay ready.

Partners that make major decisions without consulting the other are controlling. I know folks that buy automobiles without ever consulting the other and never consider if it’s comfortable or something they like. Parents that control children’s extracurricular activities. Push them to play sports, play music, etc.. even if the child is not good or doesn’t want to do it.

I’m not saying that every control freak is a narcissist but if any of this resonates and they are meeting other checks on the list then they may be a narcissists. I encourage you to do your research, and/or talk to a therapist. Life is too short to be in a relationship with anyone who is controlling rather they are a narcissist or control freak.

There is a voice inside of an abandoned child that cannot speak as an adult. The voice that can’t speak because they fear they may be abandoned, not loved, or betrayed. It’s a learned pattern that grows with the child. As an adult, the abandonment wound still exists and the adult cannot say what they really feel or think to those they love or have an emotional attachment. They feel there is no safe space.

I’ve spent years not saying things I wanted to say due to fear of abandonment and fear of not being loved. I’ve learned on my journey that it’s part of my healing to say and allow it to flow without fear of abandonment or someone not loving me. The voice that I’ve muted for so long now is on volume 10 with no fear in my tone, no tears in my eyes, or butterflies in my stomach. I have found my voice of truth and it shatters all my doubts.

Thank you Jesus for the breakthrough and new strength I’ve found within me. I feel like a bird out of a cage. I know that some I speak to will walk away because they are no longer are benefiting from my brokenness but more respect every word that I speak in bold truth. And now I know, I know I’m on the path of healing, recovery, and breaking patterns that no longer hold me hostage.

I’ve had several people ask me about gaslighting. They want to understand it and they want to know more. I can only share my experiences with you from my past relationships.

One example is I’ve had narcissists do name-calling and then say “I was just joking”. When they name call, first that is no way to joke. Name-calling or putting a label on one is never acceptable but when following up with “I’m joking” or “LOL” in a text, that’s a form of gaslighting. They want you to apologize to them for how you perceived it. They want you to question your sanity on how you took it and may even call you sensitive, which is another form of gaslighting.

Asking a question like, “Were there any females at the party?” They reply “no”. But you know there were females at the party because you saw the pictures, overheard the females’ voices. Then when you say “I know because blah blah blah” Then they justify by saying “well you knew this person or that person was there and they are a female.” Again, making you question your sanity to only apologize for an accusation of him lying to you.

When you say how you feel and they dismiss it or call you “sensitive”, “overreacting”, “crazy”, those are all forms of gaslighting.

They assign motives to your actions that are not your intentions. They may say, “you were flirting with him”, “I saw you wink at him” but you just said “hi” and was being nice or you gave a subtle wink not to be flirtatious. This is a form of gaslighting.

This is another one on the checklist. If you are in a relationship with someone and any of this resonates with you, consider further research on gaslighting to confirm and consider they may be a narcissist.

One thing I’ve concluded on my journey is that when one is drowning they don’t know who else is drowning. When one is overwhelmed with grief, depression, sadness, or their stuff they never look around to see who else is drowning. Our emotional drowning is much like our physical drowning. If we are drowning or struggling in the water, we are not looking around to see who else is struggling, we are looking to see if anyone can help us or can save us. If we don’t see anyone we just keep fighting to stay alive. Fighting to stay alive while you’re suffocating in your stuff is a terrible feeling. Have you ever been so fearful that you can’t say anything? I have been so scared that nothing came out.

I think it’s important to remember this when we think nobody cares. A lot of times our peeps are drowning too. I’m drowning in my stuff, my friends are drowning in their stuff and nobody can say “help”. Sometimes our stuff is not even bad, it’s just we get caught up in life and never think about our friends drowning in bad stuff. I am trying to make a conscious effort to check on those that fall off my radar. I miss seeing ❤️ and 👍🏼 on social media and it makes me aware that someone could be drowning in their stuff.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again when one is not ok and they are drowning, it’s harder to answer that question, “Are you ok?” Nobody wants to say “life sucks” or “I’m drowning” or “I’m struggling”. I’ll usually say “Checking on you” to just let them know I miss them. If they want to tell me what’s going on, they can or if they can’t, I respect their decision.

Its important to remember this all the time but especially this time of year when many are grieving loved ones no longer here. Remember it’s not the happiest time of year for everyone. Just because you have your house full of family, friends and a full bank account doesn’t mean that for everyone. As my shrink says, “not everyone is like you”. Let’s check on those missing on our radar this month and make it a goal every month. It only takes seconds to send a text to say “Checking on you” or “Miss you”.