Another laugh-out-loud image for me. If you are not familiar with the Enneagram then I encourage you to Google it and check it out. The Enneagram is a system of personality typing that describes patterns in how people interpret the world and manage their emotions. I’m an 8 which is a Challenger. To those that know me, I see you laughing, smiling, and nodding.

In 2008 I learned about the Enneagram and took the test based on my shrink’s advice. I’ve received their daily emails since and I’ve referred to their books for years. Once you know what someone’s personality type is and how they view the world and handle their emotions, it makes it so much easier to understand them and communicate with them. I’ve been intrigued with the accuracy of the test and how it precisely works consistently.

Back in January, I received an email from the Enneagram institute regarding classes for what they call cohorts. The classes are relatively expensive for me and although I’ve been encouraged by my shrink for years to get more involved with this organization, especially since they are just right down the road from me, I’ve shrugged it off for years. But this one particular morning I felt I needed to communicate with them regarding their classes and so I did.

For a couple of months, I did not hear back from them. Every single day I looked for their email and every single day I prayed that they would respond as I had hoped and prayed. Then one Saturday morning in March I received an email from them. The email started by saying “I’m sorry…” my heart dropped and my stomach felt sick but the sorry was apologizing for the delay in responding.

As I continued to read it said, “We’d like to offer you a full scholarship for our Fall 2022 cohort if you can make that work with your schedule.” I do not have the words to communicate my emotion at this moment. I cried tears of joy for 30 minutes and said “thank ya Jesus” a hundred times. That is no exaggeration! I’m so excited to teach this starting this fall.

When I tell you that prayer works, it’s God’s timing and all that is supposed to happen will come, do not take that statement with a grain of salt. Never give up on your dreams, goals, and desires. Faith, believing, and trusting will bring you through and to things that you cannot comprehend. Keep on keeping on!

Protect Yourself from the Toxic Traits of Others

One of my long time favorite online psychologist, Dr Henry Cloud wrote the following and is offering an online course regarding the subject. Link below article.

There are so many reasons that we all need to learn the truth about pleasing others. There are few things that will affect you as much as being a people pleaser, either in business or in life. It basically hands the reigns of your life over to others, and remember, you are not usually their number one interest!

But, since we are all wired for relationship, we do care what others think, and this is a difficult one. I would encourage you with this thought: Please the right people, the good ones who also care about you and whom you care about and want to serve. They will be with you, even when you decide on something they do not like. The ones who want to control you, or only are there to get something from you, might be disappointed or even mad when you make a decision that is different than what they want. But if they are only “with” you to get what they want, better to find that out now rather than later.

We want to serve others, live for others…..but it always has to be the right others. The ones who value your decisions to do what you think is right. So, love people, but please the ones who are pleased by your doing what is good and right, even if it is not the agenda they want. This is a big, big issue.

If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have struggled with people pleasing. If this is something you can relate to, now is the time to take advantage of early bird pricing for my upcoming workshop, Narcissism in Relationships. Hit the button below to sign up, and if you have any questions, reach out to my team by replying to this email. e button below to reserve your spot!

Click here

I ran across this image and laughed out loud due to the irony of it. I know it’s supposed to be humorous in the fact that all the numbers say “1” but the verbiage on the door is the most humorous to me. Narcissists do not seek treatment!

If you find them in a shrink’s office or some type of counseling it’s due to a couple of things. One someone forced them to go and they went based on that and will later use it against you. Next, they may go to get some meds. Narcissists love substances, anything that numbs their pain they will take. Next, they were told they were a narcissist and they don’t believe it so they go to just see what a professional says. My shrink says that once you confirm to the patient that they are a narcissist they usually don’t come back.

I once described the narcissist like this, they are all the same, they just wear different masks. Once the mask falls off then you can see all the toxic traits. Every single person I’ve ever met that had been in a narcissist relationship, was pretty much a cookie-cutter, the same pattern for all of them. Especially mothers!

I shared my beliefs with a friend the other day as she was telling me how much she related to my posts for several reasons and one of those reasons was her deceased mother was a narcissist. As she started sharing stories with me about her relationship with her mother and siblings, I found myself just smiling because everything she told me was almost ditto in my life. I found myself completing her sentences and stories in my head.

It’s important to know what I’m saying, not because I’m a professional or expert in psychology but because I have lived this for more than half my life. I am an experienced expert and I know you cannot change a person with a narcissist personality disorder. NPD is real and not treatable. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, I suggest you find a way to live with them or live without them. Don’t waste your energy, time, or money trying to change them or pushing them to a treatment center.

If you read yesterday’s blog The Power of Positivity then you know my story about my break up with my professional relationship. Here’s the rest of the story.

Even though I was triggered by the phrase “panned out” regarding my project and I felt they were speaking negatively over my dreams and prayers, deep down in my heart I knew it was meant to be. I knew as soon as they spoke the words that they were not one I was supposed to partner with on my project. I knew I had picked them for the sake of convenience but they were not the “chosen one”.

When the “chosen one” the one meant to be is sent to fulfill whatever purpose then the one that’s not supposed to be will be removed. Sometimes they remove themselves but often we have to remove them. Let me put it another way, as long as we stay with people that don’t support us, love us through their actions, and give us what we need, the chosen one won’t come. Sometimes it takes a door closing before another one can open.

We may suffer during the transition but we gotta believe and keep believing that someone better is on the way. Sometimes it’s us that have to make the painful decision to close the door. We can put years of time, money, and energy into relationships but if we are not getting what we need from them then it’s time to close the door.

Years ago I had invested in a nice relatively expensive hairdryer. Over time it started not working periodically. One time it would, next time it wouldn’t, it may stop in the middle of me drying my hair. It caused me so much inconvenience and pain but because I had paid a lot for it, I didn’t want to dispose of it so I kept dealing with all of its issues. I tried to have it repaired but it still didn’t work properly. Finally one day, I threw it in the trash. It took me tossing it to buy a new one and I did. It was painful to toss it and spend money on a new one but it had to be done to serve me and fulfill my needs.

I’m not suggesting we toss relationships because people are more precious than things but I use my story to illustrate a point that sometimes we just can’t repair damage in a relationship and the relationship no longer serves us. It’s okay if we’ve picked the wrong person to be in our lives. We make choices based on what we knew at that time on our path. Maybe we realize later, that they are not the chosen one because they no longer fulfill our needs in the relationship due to our growth.

If you need more and desire more then allow the pain and suffering of losing the wrong one to allow the right one, the chosen one to come. And yes, by the way, the chosen one did come about 2 weeks later. We partnered and I love them!

This is my affirmation today. I need to read this, hear this and say it daily to make up for the years lost to the negativity that was spoken to me. That was the old me. The new me speaks positivity to myself and only allows positivity from others about me.

I did not grow up in a positive environment. The sky was always falling. Something deep within me knew the sky wasn’t falling but as a child, I had to go with the flow. Remember you never change the flow of a narcissist. I went with the flow but I hated it because words didn’t match actions. My mother would say “we are broke” as she shopped at only the best department stores and boutiques. I knew we didn’t have a stack of money to burn but broke I was not believing. Having a “victim” mindset, she played poor to get more. And yes, today folks walk around with their hand out playing poor to get more.

Now if I hear the word “broke”, it triggers me. I tell anybody who speaks it “Don’t say that!” I mean if you’re not really broke which I equate to homeless and starving then don’t speak those words over your life. I call it bad juju. If you have all you need with food, water, and shelter, you are not broke. You are actually blessed. Nothing should be taken for granted.

I take words spoken over me so seriously now that I fired a professional relationship a couple of weeks ago because he said he wanted to see if my project “panned out”. That was the term he used and it spoke negativity to me and my life. My thoughts said “I’m over here praying night and day for this to happen, I’m believing for this and having the faith of a mustard seed, I’m asking my tribe to pray too and you’re over here telling me you want to see if it pans out!” “Oh yea! You gotta go!” And in the words of Forrest Gump “and just like that,” I said bye!

Start listening to the words you speak over your life and others speak to you. If they sound like the past, from the abandoned child, the verbally abused adult, the folks that said you’d never be anything, dismiss it immediately. Correct yourself and those who say it. Apologize to yourself for what you said from your wounded self. Move forward with positivity and affirmations that bring only love into your life.

Hiding the scary parts of ourselves is only scaring us. I find when I share those most fearful unthinkable parts of myself with others, that the other party responds opposite of what I believed.

Maybe it’s because I write to the internet daily but I find it easier even with the fear in me to share my story with so many that I meet face to face each day. When I get to the part where I didn’t want to live, I prayed for the mattress to open up and let me die in my sleep, I usually get paused right there.

I get paused with the other party saying I’ve been there or I hear that someone close to them committed suicide and they give me their thoughts and opinions on it. Either way, people do relate. Sometimes it’s as if they are almost relieved to talk about it. Our society has made the word suicide a hush-hush word. Even though we have pop culture icons such as Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade that decided they no longer wanted to stay here and it’s the leading cause of death.

Opening up and sharing that part of me is a fear I know I need to overcome to not only remind myself how far I’ve come but also inspire others not to give up. The fear within me tells me that I may experience a feeling I don’t want to have, fear tells me I may not be accepted, I may be disappointed, I may fail, I may be overcome with emotion. All those words speak to me but I do it anyway. As soon as the other party relates and embraces my story, it passes.

Overcoming our fears by sharing our scary parts may help someone more than we can imagine. Maybe someone is just waiting on someone like me, like you to share a part that could change their lives forever or help them heal just by talking about their pain. We must remember where our fear is, there our task is.

Does anybody else relate to the story I’m about to tell regarding death? I’ve lived it, witnessed it over and over but yet just can’t quite fully embrace it.

Maybe I’m at the age where my friends are dying younger than I ever expected. I often see or hear of someone’s death that I’ve known for decades. It always tells a similar story, someone unexpectedly passes away, the majority are shocked, and people come out of nowhere to pay respects to the family. I then often see or hear folks say, we can’t let this much time slip by us before seeing each other again or getting together. It’s as if a sudden death awakens them to do better and be better.

Each one promises the other ones they will stay in contact, they will take that trip they’ve been talking about for years, they will forgive and move on from any past hurt or anger but then does it happen? No! It does not happen!

I’m not preaching or pointing fingers, I’m guilty of it too. I believe we have the best intentions to live life and share it with those we love but yet here we are stuck in our rut routine. We say we don’t have time, we are so busy. You are right we don’t have time. No promise of another minute or second.

Remember when I took my healing journey back in August of last year? That was me taking time to do things I said I was going to do, to see people I’d been wanting to see, to make time to do it and see friends before I couldn’t. I will say it again, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’m thinking of making it an annual trip. And for all of you who watched my journey from Atlanta through 6 states in 7 days, I heard you and saw the comments on how you wish you could do that. Well, you can, only you are holding you back!

We think we have time but we don’t . Time is a thief and it comes and goes so quickly that days become years. People do expire without a warning label. It’s time to pick up the phone and make that call, it’s time to get together, it’s time to make that trip before we make our last trip. It’s time to make time!

Yesterday I blogged Are You Helping Make the Kool-Aid? in reference to listening to toxic family and friends of victims. Are you part of an audience by listening and interacting with the accuser or perhaps you are an enabler?

I would like to continue on the same subject but expand and talk about enabling. Since it’s Holy Week I think it’s a great time to point out that Pontius Pilate was an enabler. In Mark 15:12 he asked the crowd “What shall I do, then, with the one you call the king of the Jews?” Pilate asked them. He was referring to Jesus even though he knew Jesus and knew he was not guilty. Then Pilate said to the chief priests and the crowds, “I find no guilt in this man.” Luke 23:4. Pilate said this three times but because he wavered in his belief, he listened to the crowd.

If we believe that a person we truly love is not guilty of what a toxic accuser accuses them of then there would never be a reason for us to listen “crucify them.” If we listen and become an audience that enables that essentially means we are no better than Pilate who ultimately was helping make the Kool-Aid by having Jesus crucified.

Pilate knew Jesus and he knew that he shouldn’t be crucified but he fell to the toxic crowd. He enabled them by listening and respecting their wishes. As I say over and over, listen to your gut, your intuition, sticking with what you know will never get you in trouble, it’s when we are sucked in by folks that want you to believe them over what you know.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be an enabler, part of crucifying someone, a Pontius Pilate, a sheep led by toxic accusers, a Kool-Aid maker.

There is a therapist that I follow on social media and she recently shared this post that resonated with me. It’s as if I spoke these words out of my mouth.

The toxic family members who smear you conveniently fail to mention how much you did for them, how good you were to them, and how much love, patience, understanding and acceptance you offered them…and that you did all these things to a fault before deciding to cut ties. They fail to me to mention all the abuse you tolerated and for how long.

Instead, when you decide to start taking care of yourself, the tell the world that were the most selfish, unstable, unwell person they have ever met and you did nothing but hurt them in the relationship.

The teaching to take is that anyone who knows you and believes this false narrative is also not a person who deserves any of your time, love, attention or explanation. The people who really know you, can see through a smear campaign instantly. The greatest gift the smear campaign offers you is clarity on who is true to you and who is not.

Please note that if a toxic person cannot personally destroy you they will ALWAYS paint a picture to others of you that tells an embellished story of how they want people to view you. They will highlight every character flaw, every mistake, and pass out cups of poison about you as if they are an expert guru or cult leader.

They will purposely fill the minds of those closest to you with confusion, making the ones that love you most begin questioning your character and integrity. As I often write about betrayal, remember I always say nobody is ever betrayed by an enemy. It’s the tribe member, it’s the disciples, it’s family.

We must remember this not only for those who betray us but that toxic people prey on an audience. An audience that is close to their victim. If we participate as an audience we are feeding the cult leader by listening and participating in the conversation and stories. If we allow ourselves to take part in the crime that betrays the victim by participating as an audience, we are essentially an accomplice by helping make the Kool-Aid.

Those who know me know I’m a sports fanatic. One friend called me a sports junkie. I am usually watching football, baseball, or basketball. I grew up watching football, wrestling, and boxing. In my younger days, I took golf lessons, played golf, and was an enthusiast. My golf game was less than attractive so I gave it up. One thing I know for sure about sports is every single great moment happens in silence.

In the silence is when the ball drops into the hole, the field goal is kicked, the bat is swung, and everyone stays silent to see how far the ball goes until screams emerge for the win. Greatness happens in silence. It’s when the seed grows, it’s when the song is heard, the bird sings and the book is written.

I’ve learned that it’s only when I’m silent that I can experience the greatness of life. As I heal from my trauma I’m embracing the silence. There was a time when I needed noise, and I never stopped. I planned 24/7, worked all day, and played all night. Slept with the tv on, woke up to music, news, and sports. Trauma does that to you. Keeps you busy and keeps the noise on to drown out the truth within you.

As long as we stay busy we don’t have to deal with the trauma. The trauma from abandonment, rejection, and betrayal. Trauma from our childhood that allowed our young eyes to see things we should’ve never seen and now we can’t unsee. Trauma from being an adult in a child’s body. No matter the pain and suffering, you don’t have to deal with it as long as you keep moving. It’s why folks can’t sleep at night. It’s too quiet and they’re too still and all the wounds of their trauma start coming up.

We must understand that until we deal with our trauma and our wounds that we will not heal. In silence, there is pain but there’s always pain before greatness. Every great athlete goes through pain before perfection. But it’s in the silence that it happens. The awakening, the healing, the home run, the field goal, the swing of an iron, and the rewards of life. It’s called the power of silence.