Hiding the scary parts of ourselves is only scaring us. I find when I share those most fearful unthinkable parts of myself with others, that the other party responds opposite of what I believed.

Maybe it’s because I write to the internet daily but I find it easier even with the fear in me to share my story with so many that I meet face to face each day. When I get to the part where I didn’t want to live, I prayed for the mattress to open up and let me die in my sleep, I usually get paused right there.

I get paused with the other party saying I’ve been there or I hear that someone close to them committed suicide and they give me their thoughts and opinions on it. Either way, people do relate. Sometimes it’s as if they are almost relieved to talk about it. Our society has made the word suicide a hush-hush word. Even though we have pop culture icons such as Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade that decided they no longer wanted to stay here and it’s the leading cause of death.

Opening up and sharing that part of me is a fear I know I need to overcome to not only remind myself how far I’ve come but also inspire others not to give up. The fear within me tells me that I may experience a feeling I don’t want to have, fear tells me I may not be accepted, I may be disappointed, I may fail, I may be overcome with emotion. All those words speak to me but I do it anyway. As soon as the other party relates and embraces my story, it passes.

Overcoming our fears by sharing our scary parts may help someone more than we can imagine. Maybe someone is just waiting on someone like me, like you to share a part that could change their lives forever or help them heal just by talking about their pain. We must remember where our fear is, there our task is.

Does anybody else relate to the story I’m about to tell regarding death? I’ve lived it, witnessed it over and over but yet just can’t quite fully embrace it.

Maybe I’m at the age where my friends are dying younger than I ever expected. I often see or hear of someone’s death that I’ve known for decades. It always tells a similar story, someone unexpectedly passes away, the majority are shocked, and people come out of nowhere to pay respects to the family. I then often see or hear folks say, we can’t let this much time slip by us before seeing each other again or getting together. It’s as if a sudden death awakens them to do better and be better.

Each one promises the other ones they will stay in contact, they will take that trip they’ve been talking about for years, they will forgive and move on from any past hurt or anger but then does it happen? No! It does not happen!

I’m not preaching or pointing fingers, I’m guilty of it too. I believe we have the best intentions to live life and share it with those we love but yet here we are stuck in our rut routine. We say we don’t have time, we are so busy. You are right we don’t have time. No promise of another minute or second.

Remember when I took my healing journey back in August of last year? That was me taking time to do things I said I was going to do, to see people I’d been wanting to see, to make time to do it and see friends before I couldn’t. I will say it again, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’m thinking of making it an annual trip. And for all of you who watched my journey from Atlanta through 6 states in 7 days, I heard you and saw the comments on how you wish you could do that. Well, you can, only you are holding you back!

We think we have time but we don’t . Time is a thief and it comes and goes so quickly that days become years. People do expire without a warning label. It’s time to pick up the phone and make that call, it’s time to get together, it’s time to make that trip before we make our last trip. It’s time to make time!

Yesterday I blogged Are You Helping Make the Kool-Aid? in reference to listening to toxic family and friends of victims. Are you part of an audience by listening and interacting with the accuser or perhaps you are an enabler?

I would like to continue on the same subject but expand and talk about enabling. Since it’s Holy Week I think it’s a great time to point out that Pontius Pilate was an enabler. In Mark 15:12 he asked the crowd “What shall I do, then, with the one you call the king of the Jews?” Pilate asked them. He was referring to Jesus even though he knew Jesus and knew he was not guilty. Then Pilate said to the chief priests and the crowds, “I find no guilt in this man.” Luke 23:4. Pilate said this three times but because he wavered in his belief, he listened to the crowd.

If we believe that a person we truly love is not guilty of what a toxic accuser accuses them of then there would never be a reason for us to listen “crucify them.” If we listen and become an audience that enables that essentially means we are no better than Pilate who ultimately was helping make the Kool-Aid by having Jesus crucified.

Pilate knew Jesus and he knew that he shouldn’t be crucified but he fell to the toxic crowd. He enabled them by listening and respecting their wishes. As I say over and over, listen to your gut, your intuition, sticking with what you know will never get you in trouble, it’s when we are sucked in by folks that want you to believe them over what you know.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be an enabler, part of crucifying someone, a Pontius Pilate, a sheep led by toxic accusers, a Kool-Aid maker.

There is a therapist that I follow on social media and she recently shared this post that resonated with me. It’s as if I spoke these words out of my mouth.

The toxic family members who smear you conveniently fail to mention how much you did for them, how good you were to them, and how much love, patience, understanding and acceptance you offered them…and that you did all these things to a fault before deciding to cut ties. They fail to me to mention all the abuse you tolerated and for how long.

Instead, when you decide to start taking care of yourself, the tell the world that were the most selfish, unstable, unwell person they have ever met and you did nothing but hurt them in the relationship.

The teaching to take is that anyone who knows you and believes this false narrative is also not a person who deserves any of your time, love, attention or explanation. The people who really know you, can see through a smear campaign instantly. The greatest gift the smear campaign offers you is clarity on who is true to you and who is not.

Please note that if a toxic person cannot personally destroy you they will ALWAYS paint a picture to others of you that tells an embellished story of how they want people to view you. They will highlight every character flaw, every mistake, and pass out cups of poison about you as if they are an expert guru or cult leader.

They will purposely fill the minds of those closest to you with confusion, making the ones that love you most begin questioning your character and integrity. As I often write about betrayal, remember I always say nobody is ever betrayed by an enemy. It’s the tribe member, it’s the disciples, it’s family.

We must remember this not only for those who betray us but that toxic people prey on an audience. An audience that is close to their victim. If we participate as an audience we are feeding the cult leader by listening and participating in the conversation and stories. If we allow ourselves to take part in the crime that betrays the victim by participating as an audience, we are essentially an accomplice by helping make the Kool-Aid.

Those who know me know I’m a sports fanatic. One friend called me a sports junkie. I am usually watching football, baseball, or basketball. I grew up watching football, wrestling, and boxing. In my younger days, I took golf lessons, played golf, and was an enthusiast. My golf game was less than attractive so I gave it up. One thing I know for sure about sports is every single great moment happens in silence.

In the silence is when the ball drops into the hole, the field goal is kicked, the bat is swung, and everyone stays silent to see how far the ball goes until screams emerge for the win. Greatness happens in silence. It’s when the seed grows, it’s when the song is heard, the bird sings and the book is written.

I’ve learned that it’s only when I’m silent that I can experience the greatness of life. As I heal from my trauma I’m embracing the silence. There was a time when I needed noise, and I never stopped. I planned 24/7, worked all day, and played all night. Slept with the tv on, woke up to music, news, and sports. Trauma does that to you. Keeps you busy and keeps the noise on to drown out the truth within you.

As long as we stay busy we don’t have to deal with the trauma. The trauma from abandonment, rejection, and betrayal. Trauma from our childhood that allowed our young eyes to see things we should’ve never seen and now we can’t unsee. Trauma from being an adult in a child’s body. No matter the pain and suffering, you don’t have to deal with it as long as you keep moving. It’s why folks can’t sleep at night. It’s too quiet and they’re too still and all the wounds of their trauma start coming up.

We must understand that until we deal with our trauma and our wounds that we will not heal. In silence, there is pain but there’s always pain before greatness. Every great athlete goes through pain before perfection. But it’s in the silence that it happens. The awakening, the healing, the home run, the field goal, the swing of an iron, and the rewards of life. It’s called the power of silence.

Resisting change is our norm and I believe the older we get the more challenging it becomes. But why do we resist it? Fear perhaps due to the unknown. Changes in relationships, friends, and family all can be especially challenging, painful, and instill fear.

I’ve had more changes with relationships in the past 2 years than in my entire life. Changes in losing loved ones, family, changes with friends, and even professional relationships. When I question the changes I conclude these reasons for changes.

• That life is just one chapter after another.
• We know that we are born to live and die with no guarantee of another minute. As painful as that is, we know it and have to accept it.
• Pain drives the actions of people that have nothing to do with us.
• It’s none of our business what people think about us. Their thoughts are their thoughts.
• We are all on different paths and we can’t all stay together.

If we all stay together all the time then we can never meet another teacher or teach another student. If all the ballplayers stay together after the Super Bowl or World Championship then they can never teach the others how to achieve such a high level of winning. I think we are dispersed to others to teach and help those that need us. I believe it’s part of connecting the dots. If we stay in the same relationships and places then we can never move to the next dot.

When we think that life is turning upside down, a chapter has closed, a relationship has dissolved or moved away then we need to try to allow it. Know there is another dot coming soon. And as we journey to the next dot there is space and in that space we are alone. Alone to hear answers to our prayers, soul searching and preparing for the next chapter, the next dot. We can’t see it yet but it’s there. Trust it, believe it and watch for it. Allow what it is and what it shall be.

Confession..the old me was real quick to react, respond, reply and let my emotions rule my mouth. Those who have known me for years, I see you laughing and shaking your head “yes”. News flash…I’m not that person now. I’m healing and I’m trying with all my strength to not let my feelings load my mouth like a Smith and Wesson automatic.

I’ve learned that not everyone deserves my time and energy. I’ve learned that silence is my friend, my ally, and a great attribute when I’m full of emotion. Learning to sit with our feelings and recognize the emotion but not letting it take us is powerful. Recognizing what hurts us the most, makes us angry, or upsets us should be a muscle that needs to be worked out. Some parts of us may need rehab.

I say no response is a response but that doesn’t mean you can’t sit on it for a day or two or even three depending on the circumstances. Addressing a painful issue needs to be addressed with intellect and not emotion. We can say we are hurt or angry without calling everyone in the room a name. Cussing folks out does not repair the situation. And even if we are not trying to repair it, so what if we do cuss them out. In some cases, we are just confirming what they probably already know. It ain’t like they don’t know what they are, most folks do if they are honest with themselves.

Practicing the strength of silence is like a workout. The more you do do it, the better you get at it. That doesn’t mean you can’t cry into your pillow or hit a tree with a baseball bat. That just means think about your words before they are spoken and your actions before they are done. Remember we can never take back the sticks and stones once they are thrown.

Every job I’ve ever worked had the same rule. When I worked processing contracts for an international company, they said “Don’t Cherry Pick” the contacts. When I sold cars and bartended they said “Don’t Cherry Pick” the customers. Take each contract and each customer as they come.

We tend to cherry-pick like we are in line at a Las Vegas casino buffet. One of our favorite cherry-picking choices comes when we want to throw our opinions on a matter that has zero to do with us. We cherry pick scriptures and quotes but skip over scriptures like “Judge not, that ye be not judged” Matthew 7:1 and “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.“ John 8:7. We skip over them like they don’t exist.

We can easily forget that no man is without sin. Not a soul is perfect. Our glasshouses are full of cracks, holes, and damage from us throwing our rocks at others because they are human just like me and you. Let me say it again, we are ALL wounded, we are ALL made in his image, we ALL bleed red. It’s not that blacks are more violent because they rioted. It’s not that whites are more violent because they stormed the Capitol. Skin color has zero to do with it.

Not once in the Bible does it mention a skin color but it does mention the heart. It does mention the Pharisees who Jesus calls hypocrites, the Bible mentions the betrayers, the judges, and the liars. We can get it twisted like a peppermint candy cane real fast. We can talk out of both sides of our mouth when it isn’t about us.

We must stay focused on “First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” and quit cherry-picking what we want to apply to other’s lives when it has zero to do with us.

How often have we made ourselves smaller around others just to conform? I know I have. Making ourselves less than or lowering our perspective does not bring out the best in us. It’s right up there with Don’t Settle as I blogged last week.

I had a friend get a new car recently. She didn’t tell me and when I saw it, I was super excited for her, and I was also screaming “why didn’t you tell me?” Her perspective was that it was not that exciting or that big of a deal. I had to disagree with her. If you are in a position to get a new car, then you are blessed to earn money to pay for it. You’re able to drive with no physical or mental disabilities. You got the luxury to pick the color and options for the vehicle and not settle for whatever then that is a tall position. Not everyone is in that position. We may think everyone is in that position but look around and think about it. I’m sure you know someone right now that is not in that position.

It doesn’t matter if you think, believe, or accept, that my friend is a blessing. We should be screaming Thank you Jesus for the opportunities we have that allow us to get nice things. For opportunities that come our way that we sometimes can’t believe can happen. Making ourselves smaller and lowering our perspective will never be an asset when we are built to be tall and full of greatness. We are blessed with gifts and talents that allow us to bless others.

I encourage you to do you every day. Whatever talent and gift you have that creates opportunities for you, utilize it to your full capacity. Don’t hold back on what that brings to you. If you are blessed, say it and make sure you give credit where credit is due, to yourself and your creator. Remember you can never get taller by lowering the measuring stick.