I’ve had some quality conversations this week. Worthy enough to be on a podcast. I want to drop some nuggets that have been said in those conversations.

• What people think of you is none of your business. People will transfer their stuff to you. If they feel jaded in their relationships they will try to transfer that negativity onto you.
• People’s actions or lack of action speak louder than any words ever spoken. If you want to know how people feel watch what they do.
• Distractions come in different forms. Trauma, drama, depression, anxiety, and noise. If we get distracted by our stuff or someone else’s stuff then we are distracted from the signs on our path. Missing a breadcrumb or the timing sometimes is everything. Don’t get distracted!
• Meet people where they are. We cannot drag people down our path. If they are not ready to acknowledge their suffering to start healing then nothing we say or do is going to change that.
• We start winning when we are not attached to it. Claiming something or a relationship will bring on anxiety because we want it so badly. And if we don’t get it then we become disappointed sometimes to the point of grief and depression. Stay detached and be free.
• There are no coincidences. It’s a sign or a teaching moment.
• Signs are everywhere every day. Sometimes we miss them or don’t know they are a sign until later. It’s when they come consistently with less time in between that we realize they are signs. Pay attention!
• Positive or pride? Saying we are “good”, “okay” and “fine” when we are really in a place of pain or suffering is denying what our soul needs and that is “help”, “support” and “love”. Don’t deny your soul food by staying in pride mode.
• When it unfolds effortlessly and easily, it’s for you and meant to be. But if we are hammering it like a square peg into a round hole then it’s not meant to be or it’s not the right time.
• We cannot unsee things. When we see it we can’t unsee it. If you know it’s toxic then don’t play like it’s not to justify your hopes and dreams. If we listen to that gut talk and intuition we know what it is.

Today marks the first anniversary of my son’s father’s death. It also marks one year that life changed and will never be the same. Have you ever experienced “never the same”?

I remember it so vividly. A surreal moment that changed everything moving forward. A time that life stands still. Seconds seem like minutes, minutes seem like hours and hours like endless days and time is never the same.

A pain so indescribable that you can’t speak and takes your breath away. Uncontrollable tears could fill the ocean. As you fall down the deep rabbit hole of pain, grief, and suffering you don’t know if you’re breathing or not. Your body freezes and then shakes uncontrollably from the shock of the moment and life as you have experienced it is never the same.

And down that rabbit hole of grief, pain, and suffering you lie motionless. Days become weeks and weeks become months. No memory of condolences, calls, or texts. Sleep deprivation and lack of nourishment become your new normal and all that you know is never the same.

All you can imagine is when “will I see them again?” And then the truth hits you hard and you realize not anytime soon. Holding on to voicemails, text messages, emails, and any article from clothes, smells, and pictures that sustains your memory. Reminiscing every single moment with them that you brand in the brain cells that remain. And all that you have planned is never the same. Birthdays, holidays, and occasions are never the same.

Never the same exist every single second of every single day. Never the same visits people all over the world every second of every day. Never the same takes precious lives and changes without notice. Never the same will break your heart permanently.

If you have ever experienced “Never the Same” I’m sending you a big hug, with love and prayers for strength and peace. May we embrace the love that surrounds us and know we are not alone experiencing Never the Same.

Expectation feed frustration. It is unhealthy attachment to people, things and outcomes we wish we could control; but don’t.

– Steve Maraboli

I had a conversation the other day with someone in the market for a house. As we discussed the crazy market of homes selling for the above asking price, prices above appraisals that make cash king, and the race to see and make an offer before the rest of the world is all insane.

I concurred with their frustration. My advice to them went like this, don’t attach yourself to it. Look at it as a lotto ticket. When you buy a lotto ticket or scratch off, you hope you win, you want to win, and you anticipate winning but if you don’t win you don’t agonize over it because you are not attached to it.

We allow our attachments to be controlled by something we can’t control. Not being attached is about letting nothing or nobody owns us. Detachment dilutes fear, there is no fear of loss if the attachment is not present.

Not being attached cancels anxiety and depression. You cannot be anxious if you don’t have an attachment. The attachment is wanting it so bad, claiming it before it’s yours. The disappointment of not getting it and it not being yours breeds depression. Allowing and accepting is where we must be to be free.

Every day I’m working on detachment. Allowing and accepting. Living in the present and being free. I’m looking at every possibility just as that, a possibility. It’s a possible win just like a lotto ticket. I think the Beatles had it right “Let it Be”.

This quote by Eckhart Tolle is perfect! It perfectly describes my awakening. It’s what I have blogged about for almost a year. The suffering we endure is not in vain. It has a purpose if we can only believe that through our suffering.

I’ve had 2 very intimate and up-close conversations lately with a couple of friends. One of them had a very similar awakening as me. She endured a lot of pain from losing a child and a parent within 90 days apart. I wept as she told me her story. I could not fathom the pain that she endured during her suffering. As she was telling her story, I was thinking “how is she here?” Her energy did not send vibes of grief, anger, hurt, or disappointment. Although she confirmed she’d had all of those emotions but moved passed them through her awakening. She surrendered everything due to her suffering.

I have another friend that is currently suffering through losing a soul that is living. I believe the loss of the living is equally as bad if not worse than losing the souls that leave this world. When we lose a living soul it’s so much more difficult because they are still here. We want to believe in hope and change for them. We pray for breakthroughs and awakenings for them. But as we know, only one can decide to change. Nobody ever changes without surrendering.

And that brings me to my next point. The awakening from suffering is in the surrendering. Confessions with your mouth mean nothing if your spirit and soul do not align with your words. Let me break that down for you. When you get so sick and so tired of your pain, and suffering that you will do anything, that is the surrendering part.

As I shared with my friend, when you pray to die because you don’t want to wake up to another day of pain, and every fiber in you wants that, that’s surrendering all. When you say, I’ll eat out of a dumpster, work 5 jobs and do anything for freedom from my abusive situation and every fiber in you is willing to do that, that’s surrendering. Surrendering to spirituality and religion means that a believer completely gives up his own will and subjects his thoughts, ideas, and deeds to the will and teachings of a higher power.

But…be careful what you pray for! When you surrender to God and pray that you will do anything for the pain to be extinguished. One must be prepared. Because after the surrendering comes the challenging part of the new journey and that my friend is a road not paved with gold and green grass. Because now you’ve surrendered, you’ve committed and made a deal with God that IF he will just take the pain away, you will do anything. Anything means anything! Not what you wish or want but what your purpose is moving forward. It’s like the game show “Let’s Make a Deal” except you are making a deal with God and you don’t know what is behind doors 1,2, or 3.

Know this friends, each of those doors will always be a better place than where you have been. It will be challenging and there will be many teachings behind those doors but the peace, freedom, and new life you receive cannot be described with words or drawn with images. It’s a lightbulb that cannot be dimmed.

I don’t know who this is for but I know that as you are reading it, you are understanding it. You are believing it and embracing it. You trust my words because you know there is more to life than what you have experienced. Prayers for strength and peace to you and all.

Sometime last year I wanted to do something, something a little risky for my recovery. I knew it but I needed a confirmation from my shrink. When I asked her for her advice she said, “You know the risk of choosing this.” Those words stay with me every day. What am I risking if I choose this?

I’m learning while in recovery the value of taking care of myself and not pushing myself to do unnecessary things that cause triggers or possible relapses. I know it’s priceless how far I’ve come.

I choose wisely based on what feels good, what I like, not what my parents liked or preferred. I measure my energy before doing a task.

Rather in recovery or not, we are allowed to say “no” and hold our boundaries. We don’t have to execute what was important to our caretakers. Do you know how much stuff we do based on what was important to our parents? I hear it frequently, “this is how my mother did it, my grandmother, and it’s how I do it.” We don’t have to carry on anything that does not serve us as a priority.

I believe one of the quickest ways to relapse or become triggered is by continually fueling those that need us and don’t feed us. If they don’t fuel you, if they don’t bring energy then they are not supporting your recovery. If you are fueling someone and they can’t in turn fuel you, it’s time to change the relationship. Anyone who’s been in group therapy knows it’s about supporting each other. We can love them, and accept them for where they are but we cannot invest in them or drag them on our path.

The value of recovery must be weighed all day. We must choose wisely what we expose ourselves to and what we chose to invest in because if it feels exhausting or triggers us, we need to evaluate it carefully. The cost of triggers and going backward is expensive. We’ve worked hard to get to this point and we won’t risk losing our investment by exposing ourselves to the unnecessary. Choose wisely and love yourself first!

While in Dallas I went to my online church in person and heard from T.D. Jakes son n law Toure Roberts. His message was called “Hidden Glory”. There were so many great nuggets in his message that I do not have enough space to highlight them all but I want to pass this part to those struggling.

The Bible is full of scriptures regarding we are over-comers. Just like animals, we can overcome obstacles. Obstacles that keep us worrying, stressing, depressed, and hurting. Those challenges are there to prove that you are an overcomer.

If a teacher teaches, the singer sings, the painter paints then the overcomer overcomes and it’s for God’s glory. Your struggle is not because you have sinned, it’s not because you are being punished, it’s to prove that you are an overcomer. It’s to prove that it is within you and to practice the faith that you will overcome it.

Faith is so important because it is the force that gives life, to every concept that we store in our mind. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

As I frequently say, suffering is necessary to obtain the awakening, the prize, and to practice faith so that we will overcome. But because we lack faith, belief, and patience we want instant gratification. Instant gratification dilutes the process. Processes give the glory! Even Jesus had a process. The process of being crucified gave God the glory.

The process is producing an outcome.
Sometimes the process will temporarily take you low so it can take you permanently high.

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

During the process, the glory is trapped by distractions, fear, ego, and trauma. But when we let go of distractions, fear, ego, and surrender to “I will do whatever and anything” to find the glory within us that’s when we find it.

I’m encouraging everyone suffering from whatever you are battling today to hang on and keep the faith. You are going through the process to test your faith, to reveal the glory in you to do what you were born to do and that’s to overcome because you are an overcomer.

I recently took a quick trip to Dallas for a baseball game and to attend The Potter’s House church. After a flight, and a hotel check-in, I made my way to the ball game. As I stepped off the complimentary trolley onto the massively crowded sidewalks and streets, I heard a sound that made me feel as if I had stepped back in time.

It was a voice standing on a street corner with a small PA system and a microphone so proudly clutched as the voice yelled into the crowds. As I stood on the street corner within proximity to him I could feel myself wanting to run from the voice. I could feel anxiety and anger in my body. It was a trigger. The trigger of religious trauma.

I fought the feeling and patiently waited for the Arlington police officer to allow me to cross the street as the voice became more intense. He yelled, “You’re a sinner, come to Christ now before you die and go to hell.” He continued screaming scriptures and pouring out any message that could potentially produce guilt and shame.

I finally crossed the street only to find his rival on the next corner. I quickly walked by him and felt a little compassion for him because he did not have one audience member or one soul saved. I felt his words fell on deaf ears.

Hours later after the ball game, the same two guys were there. This time I was more prepared and as I walked by with several hundred people, I heard a voice from my left scrutinizing, and criticizing harshly the guys on the corner. This 8th generation Texan was saying out loud exactly what I was thinking. As he glided up to me and walked with me, I noticed his young daughter on his shoulders. I looked up at her and could tell she was intently listening to every word her father and I said. She was taking in our religious trauma conversation.

I saw myself in that little girl. I was paying attention at her age too. I was giving attention to the voices that yelled and screamed fear, fire, and brimstone, hell is hot and I’m going if I don’t walk the straight and narrow. I spent the first twelve years of my life listening to that. Listening and believing it. Twelve years is a long time to listen to anything but do you know the impact it has on a child? Building a foundation of fear in children will never unlock their potential. It will only breed trauma and build walls to protect themselves.

They say journaling our gratitude will help you overcome, then let me write it and let me say it, I’m thankful I’ve overcome that fear. I’m thankful that I know that God is not a big scary white guy in the sky. I’m thankful to know that he is not a God of unjust, but a God of love and mercy. A God that never leaves us or forsakes us. A God that loves us so big that it’s hard to imagine the depth of love. I’m thankful I know that I’m not what the man on the street corner said I am. I may still have triggers from my trauma but I know God triumphs every trigger and every trauma.

Recovery is the process of unlearning the behaviors in childhood that really hurt us and to really learn how to self trust and build relationships that work on all the skills that go along with that. ~ The Love Fix Podcast

According to that statement, I’m in recovery. Maybe a lot of us are in recovery trying to unlearn the behaviors that we learned from our caretakers who had good intentions but lacked the knowledge and skills to do better.

While one is in recovery and healing from decades of trauma it’s only normal or natural to have bad days, to have triggers, to fall back into those patterns that for years we were experts in doing. It happens to the best of us, sometimes when we least expect it.

I had a “professional” the other day trigger me and I was shocked at how fast it happened. As I highlighted my story for the last couple of years in the window of about 5 minutes my point was to say how far I’ve come and how much I’ve accomplished. Before I could finish, she started telling me what I needed to work on, what I lacked, blah blah, blah. I say “blah, blah, blah” because, after her first couple of sentences downplaying my recovery, I did not hear anything she said. When I heard no more words coming out of her mouth, I said “thank you, have a good day.” and ended the call.

Giving constructive criticism to those in recovery can be an easy trigger. It shouldn’t matter how far we have come! If you’ve gone 1 day without a drink, I applaud you. If you’ve lost 5 lbs. I applaud you, if you’ve removed 1 toxic person from your life, I applaud you. Steps are steps no matter how small.

Nothing and I mean nothing happens overnight. If you build wealth that doesn’t happen overnight. If you go broke it’s not overnight. Losing and gaining weight is a real %^*#+ and it does not happen overnight. We must learn to congratulate ourselves and appreciate how far we have come. Loving ourselves so much that we can drown out the naysayers, and the critics so when they try to highjack our brain, all we hear is blah blah blah.

I recently watched Oprah Winfrey’s interview, with Viola Davis. It is a Netflix special that I highly recommend. If you are an empath, a compassionate person then have tissues. It is mind-blowing what she survived. I cannot wait to read her story.

Viola said so much that resonated with me. She said Happiness is a journey. She thought when she got this role or got that award or became bigger and better that she would be in “her happy place”. But what she’s learned after being one if not the best black actresses in Hollywood is that it’s not true. Climbing the ladder and getting to the top does not make you happier.

I believe climbing to the top and being the best often puts so much pressure on us to stay in that position and to fight devils on that level that we never imagined. When they say bigger is not better, I believe that.

We think if we can just get the account, just get the promotion, just get the house, the car, the perfect man or woman, we will be fulfilled and happy. We think that somehow this magic we dream about is going to change our life. Not true!

The magic comes when you enjoy where you are at the moment. If we are always chasing more then we miss where are present. We complain about aging but aren’t we the ones wishing our life away because we are chasing ideas that don’t and won’t fulfill us?

Let’s learn from those ahead on the path, from the successors who are less ego and more transparent about what it is like at the top. Let’s believe them and enjoy where we are on our path and quit believing that bigger is better and magic happens ahead on the journey. Embrace that happiness is a journey.