I believe we have to look at toxic people/relationships like we are window shopping. Have you ever walked on a car lot and dreamed of exotic vehicles or walked by high-end designer stores and only looked in the window because you knew you couldn’t afford the price tag? You dreamed and imagined yourself in it or it in your space and you thought “ it would be nice”. I believe that is how we have to look at toxic relationships with people we love. You have to accept and love them as they are and stop wishing, dreaming, and trying to afford them emotionally.

Recovering from toxic relationships is the most painful pain I’ve ever felt. I’ve been on this journey for 6 months and I now look back at those toxic relationships and know the heartbreak, the pain and grief was a high price tag I simply just couldn’t afford. It broke me! Bankrupted me emotionally. Burned me to the ground. If only I would’ve just walked by, looked, smiled, and thought “that’s nice” instead of going in, touching, feeling, trying it on, and trying to afford them. It took everything I had in my emotional bank account to afford them.

Each time we compromise ourselves for someone toxic by not holding boundaries, we invest in them while they don’t invest in us, and we allow emotional abuse, we are withdrawing from our emotional bank account. We simply cannot afford it because we never get deposits from them. We give and give and give while they take, take and take. You know the saying…”Givers gotta know when to stop giving because takers never stop taking.”

So ask yourself the next time you are around your toxic person, “Can I afford this?” Check your energy and listen to the voice that says “I feel exhausted, I feel depressed, I feel anxious, and/or I feel pain.” It’s the same voice that says to you as you window shop, “I can’t afford this.” You may just have to keep walking, dream about them not being toxic, imagine them not being emotionally abusive to you and know your emotional bank cannot afford them.

Many years ago my shrink asked me to take the word “can’t” out of my vocabulary. She corrected me every time I said “I can’t do this anymore.” or anytime I put “can’t” in a sentence. She asked that I replace it with “won’t” or “will not” because “can’t” means I don’t have control. We are what we tell ourselves and each time we say “we can’t” we are telling ourselves and others that we do not have control.

We are as we think and so many times it’s our voices of the past that dictate what we think we are not capable of doing but we are capable if we just stop saying “can’t”. Fear, insecurity, and “can’t” are all cousins. They have a reunion in our head daily and the only entertainment they get is us entertaining them. I’m learning on my journey to face my fears. Doing and saying things I never thought I was capable of doing or saying. Pushing myself to get unstuck so I can be healthier and happier.

Challenge yourself one time a week, one time a day. The more you do it the easier it gets. Just like riding a bike, every time you get better and better. Say it with me…”I’m not stuck because I can’t, I’m stuck because I won’t.” Sounds different, doesn’t it?

The other day I had a conversation with someone I know very well and they said a few things that sounded like they were searching for compassion, encouragement and they needed reinforcement. Instead of doing those actions, I asked this, “Why are you victim-minded right now?” They got very quiet and then in a strong tone said “I’m not a victim.” Which I replied “Exactly!” If we are not victims then let’s not have a victim mindset.

Did you pay attention to what I said to them? I didn’t give them what they were fishing for with me. I brought their attention to their tone and their words only to snap their attention to what they were doing. I usually don’t do that due to I know people do need compassion, love, and understanding but I felt my energy saying they are not as pathetic as they sound. They are just having a victim mindset and my intuition proved to be right. They said, “I’m not a victim.” And in a snap, it changed the conversation and their mindset.

As my shrink told me when I feel like a victim, feel sorry for myself and need pity. “Here you can have a pity party (as she handed me a box of tissues), you can get a crying towel and you can cry, curl up in a ball and cry your eyes out but just like all parties, people get tired and the party gets old and it’s time to leave the party.” Pity parties work the same way.

If you are feeling like you are a victim to your circumstances then I highly suggest that you curl up in a ball, cry your eyes out, get you a crying towel, kick, scream, roll on the floor and cuss your heart out but when it’s over, get yourself together and stand like a warrior. Stand like you are David looking at Goliath and do not bat an eye at those circumstances in your life. Take all your knowledge and all your strength and tackle that thing that you cried over for hours, days, months. Pray and ask God to give you strength, and wisdom to tackle that thing. Trust me that prayer thing works. I find myself saying and doing things I never thought I had within me but they were there all along. I just had to believe in myself and the God in me to do them. If I can do it, you can too!

Narcissists do not like any holiday or special occasion that takes the focus off them. From my childhood thru adulthood, Christmas, birthday, or any other holiday was never special. I was lucky to have it celebrated. If I heard “it’s just another day” from my mother once I heard it at least a thousand times. She didn’t decorate for any holiday, not even a Christmas tree. I think one year she got one due to shame because I was young and she folded with a Charlie Brown tree.

I never had a birthday party until I threw myself one at 50 years old with the help of a friend and my sister.

Halloween was forbidden due to that was the “devil’s holiday” (insert eye roll here) because that was the church doctrine.

Easter was about church and seeing who could out-dress each other in the narcissistic fashion show. I always had a new dress and pair of shoes and that was more important than having an Easter basket because the Easter basket didn’t reflect my mother. It would only bring me happiness.

Thanksgiving was celebrated because it was about my mother. It was about her cooking and showing her talent in the culinary department.

The only celebration she loved was Mothers Day, her birthday, and “her” Christmas. She would start months ahead of her special day to tell me and my sister what she wanted but she would always start with “Don’t get me anything but if you do, get me this.” Then her wish list would roll out. Believe me, it was never anything from Walmart or something inexpensive. When she said she wanted an Estée Lauder fragrance, she meant the parfum, never the cologne or less. If we got anything that didn’t suit her specific demands, she would tell us right there with the gift wrappings in her lap, she was taking it back. She was not going to accept anything that she didn’t like or want. She was like that until the day she died. Her specifics never lightened up and it was always a demand.

Narcissists hate special occasions not only because it takes the focus off them but they lack joy and empathy for those who look forward to it. So they do what they can to destroy the holiday or special occasion for others. I do not have enough space to tell you how many holidays or special occasions were ruined due to drama, starting fights, and acting out in my family.

I’ll share more later about specifics on narcissists hating holidays and special occasions but for now, put it on your checklist. If you know someone who ruins holidays, special occasions, even vacations or trips, they might be a narcissist.

Get your checklist out and put the word “control” down. Narcissists love control. Every narcissist I know or had a relationship with has been controlling. You will be a squirrel in their world. Going back and forth across the street because they control everything. They always have the television remote. And it’s their show, their volume, their music, their thermostat, I know narcissists that control their partner’s phone by listening and interjecting in conversations, breaking in their partner’s text messages, iCloud, putting hidden cameras in private spaces, tracking their partners. These are all the obvious control tactics.

Here’s what I call the “silent control”. It’s I will call you right back, so you’re thinking just any minute or a few minutes they will call you so you don’t take or make another call. And maybe they call you back and maybe they don’t. Either way, it’s controlling you not to get into another conversation. Or it’s I’ll be there Saturday. And if you say “what time?” You may get an answer but more than likely something vague so that way they want you to just stay ready.

Partners that make major decisions without consulting the other are controlling. I know folks that buy automobiles without ever consulting the other and never consider if it’s comfortable or something they like. Parents that control children’s extracurricular activities. Push them to play sports, play music, etc.. even if the child is not good or doesn’t want to do it.

I’m not saying that every control freak is a narcissist but if any of this resonates and they are meeting other checks on the list then they may be a narcissists. I encourage you to do your research, and/or talk to a therapist. Life is too short to be in a relationship with anyone who is controlling rather they are a narcissist or control freak.

There is a voice inside of an abandoned child that cannot speak as an adult. The voice that can’t speak because they fear they may be abandoned, not loved, or betrayed. It’s a learned pattern that grows with the child. As an adult, the abandonment wound still exists and the adult cannot say what they really feel or think to those they love or have an emotional attachment. They feel there is no safe space.

I’ve spent years not saying things I wanted to say due to fear of abandonment and fear of not being loved. I’ve learned on my journey that it’s part of my healing to say and allow it to flow without fear of abandonment or someone not loving me. The voice that I’ve muted for so long now is on volume 10 with no fear in my tone, no tears in my eyes, or butterflies in my stomach. I have found my voice of truth and it shatters all my doubts.

Thank you Jesus for the breakthrough and new strength I’ve found within me. I feel like a bird out of a cage. I know that some I speak to will walk away because they are no longer are benefiting from my brokenness but more respect every word that I speak in bold truth. And now I know, I know I’m on the path of healing, recovery, and breaking patterns that no longer hold me hostage.

I’ve had several people ask me about gaslighting. They want to understand it and they want to know more. I can only share my experiences with you from my past relationships.

One example is I’ve had narcissists do name-calling and then say “I was just joking”. When they name call, first that is no way to joke. Name-calling or putting a label on one is never acceptable but when following up with “I’m joking” or “LOL” in a text, that’s a form of gaslighting. They want you to apologize to them for how you perceived it. They want you to question your sanity on how you took it and may even call you sensitive, which is another form of gaslighting.

Asking a question like, “Were there any females at the party?” They reply “no”. But you know there were females at the party because you saw the pictures, overheard the females’ voices. Then when you say “I know because blah blah blah” Then they justify by saying “well you knew this person or that person was there and they are a female.” Again, making you question your sanity to only apologize for an accusation of him lying to you.

When you say how you feel and they dismiss it or call you “sensitive”, “overreacting”, “crazy”, those are all forms of gaslighting.

They assign motives to your actions that are not your intentions. They may say, “you were flirting with him”, “I saw you wink at him” but you just said “hi” and was being nice or you gave a subtle wink not to be flirtatious. This is a form of gaslighting.

This is another one on the checklist. If you are in a relationship with someone and any of this resonates with you, consider further research on gaslighting to confirm and consider they may be a narcissist.