Day 2 of my media detox has come to a close. If you want to know how I feel, I tried to find a quote or write one on peace but I wasn’t resonating with anything but this picture. It describes exactly how I feel. I feel like a chilled glass of wine looking at the ocean, perhaps the French Riviera with the wind blowing on a sandy shore.

I cannot emphasize enough the peace I feel. I know my life revolves a lot around sports schedules, especially football but it has been so wonderful not to have a schedule for sports, news, or my shows. All I hear is music and silence. It is refreshing and I’m loving it.

I love my friends and appreciate every follower on social media but it is also wonderful to take a break and not be on any social media platform. This is a first for me to detox from all platforms.

So what have I been doing? I’ve read so far a lot. Downloaded the Kindle app (since I don’t have a Kindle) and started a book highly recommended by a friend “Experiencing God”. I also downloaded a daily devotion, which I enjoy called “He Whispers Your Name”. I’m working on finding a self-help book to read.

I’ve also finished my vision board, my goals, my dreams for this year. I watched my church online. I’ve cooked, discovered I love my besties collard greens, worked out, drank lots of tea, and started a new diet which is an old one. I’ve spoken to all of my 5 Confidants aka tribe members, which one invited me to Columbia (the country not Tennessee 😁) after learning I’m applying for my passport this month. Life is already getting exciting.

I’m calm and very happy. I highly recommend this to anyone. Sometimes we just need to shut off the world and make our world as we need it. Creating space for tranquility, creativity, and nourishing our soul is priceless. It’s so empowering to say this isn’t serving me and walk away.

Happy New Year to you! As you may have read on social media or in my blog last Sunday that I’m doing a media detox for January. Before the ball dropped last night, I turned off the television last night at approximately 11 pm and turned on Bishop T. D. Jake’s New Year’s Eve service. My number one goal for 2022 is to be guided on my spiritual path and serve my purpose. Bishop Jakes said if you wanna know if you’re serving your purpose, not only will you be blessed but you will be blessing others.

As I have blogged many times before we are not just here to work, pay bills, and buy material things. We are here to help each other, pay forward our blessings and not only say we love each other but show love. I often think we overuse the phrase “I love you” because do we show love as much as we say it? In 2022 I’m watching for words and actions to match. If you say you love me, show me. Remember the 5 Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

I think having these 5 love languages on a post-it note on our bathroom mirror or on our refrigerator or wherever we see them daily can serve as a reminder to us that we need to show love to those we love.

We must also remember that each person can only love to their capacity. Some are 10 gallons and some are pint-size. If we are a 10-gallon person and we are not getting enough love from a pint-size person then just know they are giving their all and that’s all they can do.

And some people will only love you conditionally. Constituents – They are not into you; they are into what you are for. Comrades – These people are not for you, nor are they for what you are for. It is just that they are against what you are against.

You will have only a very few Confidants in your life. They usually equate to 4-6 in your lifetime. The same amount of posts that hold up a deck. This is all you need.

And let’s not forget that sometimes we pour so much into folks we love and never get back what we need because they are toxic, cross boundaries and lack respect. This is called “Watering Weeds”.

I believe we can all agree that what the world needs now is more love. We need to not only say it but do it and know the lessons in love. Knowing the languages, people’s capacities, and knowing that some people only love you for what you are for or against should always serve as a reminder that some are just for a season and/or a reason. And some are just weeds no matter how much you love them, they are never going to bloom. Yes! These are the lessons in love.

I wrote the following on one of my social media platforms with a group of friend pictures that have been in my 2021 chapter. The post was just for my friends (not a public post). It was a reminder to me and for them about what I’ve lived and what I’ve learned in 2021.

💫I keep saying “Yesterday is gone, it doesn’t exist and it’s just a memory.” Indeed, it doesn’t exist and all we have is memories. Memories that I am grateful for in my life. These people and memories got me through 2021.

💔2021 was one of the most bittersweet years for me ever. I had my heart broken twice but through my heartbreaks, I learned who loved me including God.

💞I learned that we don’t have a promise of tomorrow. Each person that passed this year had plans. They had plans for birthdays, Christmas, vacations, and life. Sadly they did not get to do their plan. And through losing so many friends I know we gotta live for today. Check your bucket list, make that phone call, visit that friend, don’t live with regrets because you didn’t do it.

🙏🏼 I’m so thankful for each experience even the heartbreaking ones. It was the heartbreaking ones that led me to my awakening, to my new life. And when I look back on the memories and how each person played an intricate role, I cry tears of joy because they listened to their intuition, to that voice inside, to the God in them.

📣 In my mother’s words “if I die tonight”, I leave you this…live your best life. Don’t wait! Support your friends, you can never have too many supporters. Match your words and actions. If you say you love then show your love. Listen to that voice inside of you like your life depends on it because sometimes it does. Remember everyone is wounded and they don’t have to admit it. Just love them anyway the best you can. Forgive those who don’t ask for forgiveness. Sometimes closure is only a word and we never get it. Take care of yourself! Your mental health is so important! Don’t forget to be still so you can hear. Pray, meditate and listen, it’s how you learn your path and what God is trying to tell you. And be thankful for everything. Rain makes rainbows 🌈.

Wishing you the best of everything in 2022. 💫🥂🎉

Love to all ❤️ DH

I’m not a Sex In The City follower but I have watched the most recent and newest episodes. In one episode (spoiler alert) Carrie is advised by Charlotte and Miranda to H. A. L. T. after Big dies. Maybe I’ve been under a rock but I learned that H. A. L. T is a real acronym that stands for Hungry -Angry -Lonely- Tired. I’m intrigued now.

I researched and read more about H. A. L. T. In German it means “stop” and in recovery, it means don’t make any decisions when you are feeling any of these. Most recovery articles refer to addicts recovering from alcohol and drugs but in my world and for many others, recovery is about recovering from emotionally abusive relationships, trauma bonding, and childhood wounds. Recovery means to return to a normal state of health, mind, and strength. We are healing while we are recovering. It makes sense to H. A. L. T during recovery.

Hungry – we all know we can’t think when we are hungry. We also can’t make good decisions. This is why we become more impulsive and reach for anything when we are hungry. If we can’t make good decisions and choices in food then we more than likely shouldn’t make other decisions, especially big ones. Eat first, think, act.

Angry – never make a decision or react when we are mad. Don’t reply to that text message, email, or voice your thoughts until you have calmed down. If we must get it out. Write a letter (not email) but do not mail it. Just write everything we want to say to get it out of our system. Once it’s out then we can proceed with responding. Again don’t make any decisions.

Lonely – isolation is a breeding ground for depression. While we think we are connecting to people electronically we are not connecting emotionally. When we are lonely we tend to have pity parties and make decisions based on our feelings and not facts. Don’t let loneliness and depression be what drives us on our decision. Wait until we are in a better place.

Tired – this just doesn’t pertain to not getting enough sleep but it pertains to being emotionally tired. Don’t make decisions when we are short on sleep, didn’t sleep well or emotionally drained. If we are living with emotionally draining vampires such as controllers, narcissists, emotional abusers, think about getting away solo to make decisions, especially major ones.

Recovery is a process and it’s a lifestyle that you will have good days and bad days. Just remember on those bad days to H. A. L. T before proceeding with a decision. We shouldn’t cling to toxic when we are lonely. Give in to controllers when we are tired. Say hurtful words we can’t take back when we are angry. Make poor choices or decisions when we are hungry.

The other day I blogged “Out With The Old And In With The New”. I said you don’t have to feel guilty for choosing your holiday celebration even if you disappoint others. I said guilt is a time-waster. I mentioned it was another blog. I think the word “guilt” and the word “shame” get misconstrued often and are not clear definitions to many. This is how I heard it best.

Guilt is when you are bothered by something you did or didn’t do. It’s when you didn’t do the right thing for others. You didn’t pay back the money you borrowed, you lied to your friend, you feel bad. This is why I said it’s a time-waster. If you do the right thing, you won’t feel guilty. You should not feel guilty for living your best life, being your authentic self, and following your path. What you do best for you is nobody else’s business.

Note, toxic folks will do guilt trips making you think you did not do them right. Do not accept this form of manipulation or self doubting. It’s a tactic to control you.

Shame occurs when you think you are bad. You evaluate or judge yourself in a negative light. You take from doing bad to viewing yourself as bad. Shame comes from others not allowing us to be authentic selves and allowing us to be free. Shame is accepting blame from others. It cannot exist if we get compassion and understanding when we share our stories.

We have to be careful that we do not blend guilt and shame. We shouldn’t go from what I did is bad to I am bad. If you believe you are bad, not worthy, not good enough then you become impossible to love. If someone thinks you’re the greatest but you disagree and don’t think highly of yourself then you will push them away. We tend to push people away when we don’t agree. Another word that comes into play with this scenario is “worthless”. If you feel shame, you often feel worthless.

It’s time to let go of it! Release the shame that you accepted from others. You are not to blame for what happened. Let go of the guilt! You did what you had to do to survive. If you haven’t done someone right, make it right. Pay them back, ask for forgiveness, clean the slate, become fresh and new. God has forgiven you so why can’t you forgive yourself and others? Let’s go into 2022 clean by releasing shame, guilt, blame, and feeling worthless. Prayers for healing for all. ❤️

Before Christmas, I had this conversation with 2 tribe members. They voiced their disappointment with their holiday plans or lack of one should I say. They expressed how they wish it was different. I completely understood what they were saying, I too wish my Christmas was different. I wished my son’s father was still here and the traditions for my son could carry on. While I am very grateful for the blessings and substitutions we’ve experienced, holidays are never the same after a loved one passes. I can’t think of any worse pain than grief and it seems to compound on holidays. Empty chairs at the table and presents missing under the tree can leave a permanent hole in your heart.

I think this is how we have to view the passing of loved ones and traditions are gone. As I told my friends, when traditions can no longer continue, I think that’s our cue to start a new tradition. Although we will always miss the old, it’s time to update it, replace it with something that we look forward to doing. Looking forward to something can soothe the pain. And I don’t care what it looks like, it doesn’t have to be traditional with a tree and presents, it can be a trip to the beach, a cruise, passing out goody bags to the homeless. It’s your holiday, you get to celebrate it however it makes you happy.

Please note the new tradition that makes you happy may disappoint your family or adult children but it’s okay, you are allowed to disappoint people including family. We shouldn’t feel as we have to do something to keep from disappointing someone else. That’s called guilt and that’s a whole different blog story. Let me just say this, guilt is a time-waster.

I’m not sure who needed to hear this besides me and my 2 tribe members but I know there are more than 3 of us in the world that are grieving old traditions while trying to find our way to new ones that make us happy. It’s important to live our lives as we would imagine it including holiday traditions not as society or family tell us it should be. So let’s go ahead with acceptance of the past and hold it as a sweet memory. We now get to pick out a brand new tradition. How exciting! Our very own new tradition. Don’t stress over it, you have a whole year to figure out next December. Shall we put the travel agent on speed dial?

Day 4 of thinking about my vision board. Growth sounds great because we all want to grow and be better but it’s not easy to grow. Growth means outgrowing relationships with people we don’t want to let go of and letting go of old versions of ourselves. Not so easy! Much like the security blanket, I blogged about some time ago. No matter how raggedy, threadbare, ugly, dirty that blanket is we don’t want to let go of it, even if it’s not serving the purpose of keeping us warm. We tend to hold on to comfort, familiarity and resist change.

If I want to grow then I’m going to have to let go of people, places, and things I love and find comforting. Growing means stepping outside the box and my comfort zone. It means embracing people that don’t look like me or have similarities to me. Sometimes we need a balancer in relationships. If I’m good at A then I might need to find someone good at B. If everyone likes the same thing or is good at the same thing it’s going to get boring and the growth is going to be stunted.

I need to let go of habits that I love and try something new. The old folks would say you’re stuck in a rut. If we do the same thing over and over then we never explore or find new. Exploring allows us to find what else we like and grow.

I’m adding growth to my vision board and making goals to change habits, let go of relationships, step outside the box, and embrace change.