We must be careful not to burn bridges, especially those we have to cross back over to get where we need to go. If we burn the bridge that we think we don’t need, think again, we might need it sooner than we think.

A while back I reached out to one of my professional relationships for an appointment. I had been making appointments with them for many years. I called and left a voicemail, called again, and left a message with the receptionist. I called the contact directly twice and texted them all within 3 days and got no reply or response for an appointment.

I was a little butt hurt due to I didn’t feel they valued me as a customer enough to return my call, text, or give me an appointment. The old me would’ve stewed, brewed, and held that for a while. The new me allowed what it was because I couldn’t change it or control it and I moved on with full confidence that they had lost a loyal customer.

Those 3 days, I thought about the length of my service to them, my loyalty in supporting them through thick and thin while they struggled in business, my referrals, and the fact that I held them in high regard. I thought they needed me to cross to the other side but now that they are on the other side, the other side of being in a more comfortable and better place, they no longer need me as a bridge to cross over.

When people use you as a bridge, a stepping stone to get to the other side they never think they may need to come back. Take it from my personal experience, you can fall down a lot faster than you can climb up. If it took bridges and stones to get where you’re going then it will take bridges and stones to come back if you fail, don’t make it, need those people again. Folks don’t think that way. They think for the moment, the minute, and don’t ever think they will need you again.

I’ve done it! I’ve burned bridges, blown them up to ashes, and guess what I had to eat crow, apologize, crawl over broken glass and be humble to get back across the bridge. You don’t build bridges in a day. It will always cost you more to get a new bridge than it does to maintain one. I don’t care how big, famous, important, busy you become don’t blow up the bridge that you may need to cross back over one day. If that bridge helped you get to the other side be grateful enough to maintain it just in case you need to cross back over it again.

Have you ever been around someone who makes you question your reality? Do you find yourself questioning yourself? What did you hear, what did you see, what did you feel? If you say “yes” to any of these you may be a victim of gaslighting.

Gaslighting makes you question your reality. The objective of getting you to question your reality is so that the gaslighter can control you and/or the situation. They are power trippers who get their source of power by gaslighting others who are trusting, honest, vulnerable, open to constructive criticism, etc… Innocent, trustworthy people get trapped in relationships with these very toxic people.

I will share some of my experiences as examples so you can see if you resonate with them. I question or confront my narcissist, it may be as simple as “who called?” but because they don’t want me to know, they simply unplug. They may not answer me while staring at me blank face so that I am aware that they heard me or they may change the subject to something unrelated. They negate the situation.

If I say “but you said you were going to do this”, they will reply, “I know what I said” without giving any explanation or reason for not following through with their words. Or they may say, “I did not say that!” These responses make you question the reality of what you heard, what you believed. Because any “normal” non-toxic person would say “I’m sorry I’m not going to be able to follow through on what I told you.”

Anyone who dismisses your feelings or pain is gaslighting you. If you say “that hurt when you said that” and they reply, “you are a complainer, just like your girlfriends. All women complain!” That is labeling you and putting you in a category that is not true. It makes you question your perception of reality.

Gaslighters are controllers and people who want to be in control are competitive in their relationships. There’s certain competitiveness that breeds jealousy. And jealousy leads to cutting folks off so they can be first. They will run over anybody and everyone to be at the top. And when they step on others to be first, they will also be trying to distort their “competitors” reality so they cannot be first. They are essentially eliminating the competition. Make sense? The best way they think to win is to hit you in the knees as Tonya Harding did to Nancy Kerrigan.

If you resonate with any of what I’m saying I encourage you to first know you are not crazy. Your feelings and thoughts are real and matter. Next, find yourself a safe person to speak to about what is happening. Go to Human Resources, a therapist, a pastor, a best friend that you can confide in, and get help. Distorting your experience so that one may gain power is a game that you cannot win and you must know how to handle the situation safely.

The worst pain I’ve ever felt is the pain of false intimacy. Believing someone loves you and is loyal to you but then betrays you is game-changing pain. It will make you build walls and never trust again.

I’ve learned betrayal happens for many reasons. It happens for resentment, greed, anger and it sometimes happens because they agree with you.

Let me explain. Have you ever told someone something in confidence, it was a vault secret and they betrayed you by sharing your intimate information? Maybe they told the person, your spouse, your parents because they agree with you and they want the person to know but don’t have the courage to tell them so they will say “you said”.

I’ve experienced it and witnessed it. If I say “I think the pastor is long-winded.” They will agree and high-five me and then wait just a minute to go tell the pastor I said he was long-winded. Now I’m telling y’all when this happens and people betray you through false intimacy it’s because they do not dare to tell on themselves. People will look you straight in your face and say the most painful hurtful things to you saying someone else said it when the entire time they are thinking it too.

We must ask ourselves why is this person betraying us? Sometimes we gotta stay in our lane just a little while longer to find out the real deal. Is it because they lack courage and can’t speak into the mic themselves? Maybe they are like Judas and are greedy and will betray you over 30 pieces of silver. You know some folks will get loose lip, Lucy, for a good meal at Ruth’s Chris. Maybe it’s because they are resentful and have underlying anger and/or jealousy. I’m telling ya, getting that new car or shoes can cost you a relationship. Folks will betray you real fast if they are mad about your blessing.

Betrayal comes in many many forms so we must be careful when we share our opinions or thoughts. We must be careful what we share with others, even on social media. I know you’re excited about your blessing but the haters are not. We must remember that all kisses are not kisses of love. Judas kissed Jesus right before he betrayed him and crucified him.

Judging is so easy to do. But what happens when we judge a book by its cover and it backfires on us? We can miss opportunities. Maybe that’s why we shouldn’t judge.

Back around 1993, I was a car sales person. I was the first saleswoman in the car business in Nashville. I was young, naïve, and as green as a pea. I didn’t know shit from Shinola (that’s black shoe polish for you young people). It’s one of the times in my life that I was thankful to be young and “dumb” because I didn’t know any better to do better or have judgment.

One day a Mercedes sedan pulled up on the Mitsubishi lot. I remember it so clearly, it was black and has Illinois tags. There were two brothas in the vehicle. I had zero preconceived ideas or any judgment on why a Mercedes with Illinois tags would be on a Mitsubishi lot. But the veteran car salesmen judged that they were tire kickers, time wasters which equated to not a sale. As the lot lizards (car salesmen that hang around the lot) scattered inside and around corners to avoid waiting on the two men getting out, there I was left alone to greet them.

I did my job and greeted them with a smile and welcomed them. The men looked like an odd couple, one looked like a defensive lineman and the other like a professional basketball player. I still didn’t pass judgment or ask questions. I showed them the vehicle they were interested in and proceeded to sell them that vehicle.

Later I learned that one nonjudging moment, my green pea trusting landed me a sale that made me $9,000. It also made me salesperson of the month that month. If I had scattered and hid like the veterans did because I judged it, then I would’ve missed an ample opportunity.

Judging what we believe it is or might be can cost us. We pray for things but then are not willing to turn doorknobs to open doors because we judge it. Sometimes blessings come in disguise and it’s not always from people that look like you, believe like you, think like you. Be open to your blessings by judging less and trusting more. Have green pea trust!

Another laugh-out-loud image for me. If you are not familiar with the Enneagram then I encourage you to Google it and check it out. The Enneagram is a system of personality typing that describes patterns in how people interpret the world and manage their emotions. I’m an 8 which is a Challenger. To those that know me, I see you laughing, smiling, and nodding.

In 2008 I learned about the Enneagram and took the test based on my shrink’s advice. I’ve received their daily emails since and I’ve referred to their books for years. Once you know what someone’s personality type is and how they view the world and handle their emotions, it makes it so much easier to understand them and communicate with them. I’ve been intrigued with the accuracy of the test and how it precisely works consistently.

Back in January, I received an email from the Enneagram institute regarding classes for what they call cohorts. The classes are relatively expensive for me and although I’ve been encouraged by my shrink for years to get more involved with this organization, especially since they are just right down the road from me, I’ve shrugged it off for years. But this one particular morning I felt I needed to communicate with them regarding their classes and so I did.

For a couple of months, I did not hear back from them. Every single day I looked for their email and every single day I prayed that they would respond as I had hoped and prayed. Then one Saturday morning in March I received an email from them. The email started by saying “I’m sorry…” my heart dropped and my stomach felt sick but the sorry was apologizing for the delay in responding.

As I continued to read it said, “We’d like to offer you a full scholarship for our Fall 2022 cohort if you can make that work with your schedule.” I do not have the words to communicate my emotion at this moment. I cried tears of joy for 30 minutes and said “thank ya Jesus” a hundred times. That is no exaggeration! I’m so excited to teach this starting this fall.

When I tell you that prayer works, it’s God’s timing and all that is supposed to happen will come, do not take that statement with a grain of salt. Never give up on your dreams, goals, and desires. Faith, believing, and trusting will bring you through and to things that you cannot comprehend. Keep on keeping on!

Protect Yourself from the Toxic Traits of Others

One of my long time favorite online psychologist, Dr Henry Cloud wrote the following and is offering an online course regarding the subject. Link below article.

There are so many reasons that we all need to learn the truth about pleasing others. There are few things that will affect you as much as being a people pleaser, either in business or in life. It basically hands the reigns of your life over to others, and remember, you are not usually their number one interest!

But, since we are all wired for relationship, we do care what others think, and this is a difficult one. I would encourage you with this thought: Please the right people, the good ones who also care about you and whom you care about and want to serve. They will be with you, even when you decide on something they do not like. The ones who want to control you, or only are there to get something from you, might be disappointed or even mad when you make a decision that is different than what they want. But if they are only “with” you to get what they want, better to find that out now rather than later.

We want to serve others, live for others…..but it always has to be the right others. The ones who value your decisions to do what you think is right. So, love people, but please the ones who are pleased by your doing what is good and right, even if it is not the agenda they want. This is a big, big issue.

If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have struggled with people pleasing. If this is something you can relate to, now is the time to take advantage of early bird pricing for my upcoming workshop, Narcissism in Relationships. Hit the button below to sign up, and if you have any questions, reach out to my team by replying to this email. e button below to reserve your spot!

Click here

I ran across this image and laughed out loud due to the irony of it. I know it’s supposed to be humorous in the fact that all the numbers say “1” but the verbiage on the door is the most humorous to me. Narcissists do not seek treatment!

If you find them in a shrink’s office or some type of counseling it’s due to a couple of things. One someone forced them to go and they went based on that and will later use it against you. Next, they may go to get some meds. Narcissists love substances, anything that numbs their pain they will take. Next, they were told they were a narcissist and they don’t believe it so they go to just see what a professional says. My shrink says that once you confirm to the patient that they are a narcissist they usually don’t come back.

I once described the narcissist like this, they are all the same, they just wear different masks. Once the mask falls off then you can see all the toxic traits. Every single person I’ve ever met that had been in a narcissist relationship, was pretty much a cookie-cutter, the same pattern for all of them. Especially mothers!

I shared my beliefs with a friend the other day as she was telling me how much she related to my posts for several reasons and one of those reasons was her deceased mother was a narcissist. As she started sharing stories with me about her relationship with her mother and siblings, I found myself just smiling because everything she told me was almost ditto in my life. I found myself completing her sentences and stories in my head.

It’s important to know what I’m saying, not because I’m a professional or expert in psychology but because I have lived this for more than half my life. I am an experienced expert and I know you cannot change a person with a narcissist personality disorder. NPD is real and not treatable. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, I suggest you find a way to live with them or live without them. Don’t waste your energy, time, or money trying to change them or pushing them to a treatment center.

If you read yesterday’s blog The Power of Positivity then you know my story about my break up with my professional relationship. Here’s the rest of the story.

Even though I was triggered by the phrase “panned out” regarding my project and I felt they were speaking negatively over my dreams and prayers, deep down in my heart I knew it was meant to be. I knew as soon as they spoke the words that they were not one I was supposed to partner with on my project. I knew I had picked them for the sake of convenience but they were not the “chosen one”.

When the “chosen one” the one meant to be is sent to fulfill whatever purpose then the one that’s not supposed to be will be removed. Sometimes they remove themselves but often we have to remove them. Let me put it another way, as long as we stay with people that don’t support us, love us through their actions, and give us what we need, the chosen one won’t come. Sometimes it takes a door closing before another one can open.

We may suffer during the transition but we gotta believe and keep believing that someone better is on the way. Sometimes it’s us that have to make the painful decision to close the door. We can put years of time, money, and energy into relationships but if we are not getting what we need from them then it’s time to close the door.

Years ago I had invested in a nice relatively expensive hairdryer. Over time it started not working periodically. One time it would, next time it wouldn’t, it may stop in the middle of me drying my hair. It caused me so much inconvenience and pain but because I had paid a lot for it, I didn’t want to dispose of it so I kept dealing with all of its issues. I tried to have it repaired but it still didn’t work properly. Finally one day, I threw it in the trash. It took me tossing it to buy a new one and I did. It was painful to toss it and spend money on a new one but it had to be done to serve me and fulfill my needs.

I’m not suggesting we toss relationships because people are more precious than things but I use my story to illustrate a point that sometimes we just can’t repair damage in a relationship and the relationship no longer serves us. It’s okay if we’ve picked the wrong person to be in our lives. We make choices based on what we knew at that time on our path. Maybe we realize later, that they are not the chosen one because they no longer fulfill our needs in the relationship due to our growth.

If you need more and desire more then allow the pain and suffering of losing the wrong one to allow the right one, the chosen one to come. And yes, by the way, the chosen one did come about 2 weeks later. We partnered and I love them!

This is my affirmation today. I need to read this, hear this and say it daily to make up for the years lost to the negativity that was spoken to me. That was the old me. The new me speaks positivity to myself and only allows positivity from others about me.

I did not grow up in a positive environment. The sky was always falling. Something deep within me knew the sky wasn’t falling but as a child, I had to go with the flow. Remember you never change the flow of a narcissist. I went with the flow but I hated it because words didn’t match actions. My mother would say “we are broke” as she shopped at only the best department stores and boutiques. I knew we didn’t have a stack of money to burn but broke I was not believing. Having a “victim” mindset, she played poor to get more. And yes, today folks walk around with their hand out playing poor to get more.

Now if I hear the word “broke”, it triggers me. I tell anybody who speaks it “Don’t say that!” I mean if you’re not really broke which I equate to homeless and starving then don’t speak those words over your life. I call it bad juju. If you have all you need with food, water, and shelter, you are not broke. You are actually blessed. Nothing should be taken for granted.

I take words spoken over me so seriously now that I fired a professional relationship a couple of weeks ago because he said he wanted to see if my project “panned out”. That was the term he used and it spoke negativity to me and my life. My thoughts said “I’m over here praying night and day for this to happen, I’m believing for this and having the faith of a mustard seed, I’m asking my tribe to pray too and you’re over here telling me you want to see if it pans out!” “Oh yea! You gotta go!” And in the words of Forrest Gump “and just like that,” I said bye!

Start listening to the words you speak over your life and others speak to you. If they sound like the past, from the abandoned child, the verbally abused adult, the folks that said you’d never be anything, dismiss it immediately. Correct yourself and those who say it. Apologize to yourself for what you said from your wounded self. Move forward with positivity and affirmations that bring only love into your life.