I think one of the hardest lessons to learn in life is that nothing anyone does has to do with you. Years ago I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, his second agreement to make with yourself is Don’t Take Anything Personally.
It’s also part of the Enneagram platform. Understanding ourselves and the world around us helps us know that others’ external behaviors, attitudes, motivations, emotional reactions, and defense mechanisms have zero to do with us.
Someone said “it’s constant work”, referring to not taking anything personally. Yes! because all we thought we knew is not fact, it’s fiction. We have reacted for decades based on object relations, “generational curses” and our ego. But when we unlearn all that we learned, it is constant work. My shrink said it is called rewiring your brain, it’s old programming.
I find that people don’t want to go under the covers to find what exists in their true essence because the discovery is painful. And the process of rewiring the old programming in the brain takes effort. The programming didn’t happen overnight and it can’t be undone overnight.
So why do something that causes us pain and lots of work? Because when you understand who you are and the lights start coming on, the aha moments are the trophies for the constant work.
And the bonus is understanding those we love better. Because isn’t that where it’s the most painful? Nothing hurts worse when family and those closest relationships hurt us. Many are dreading the holidays right now because of the pain they may have to endure with their family. Let me assure you that toxic family member has nothing to do with you. They are projecting their issues onto you. They were invited because of someone else’s guilt and shame. They said something unkind because of their issues. They rejected you because of their issues. Hold on to that truth!
If you are tired of taking things personally and want to understand you, your family and relationships better then I encourage you to start the work. Reach out to me via social media or at dealingtohealing.com to get no-cost information on starting the process.