From time to time someone will ask if I’m still mad at those who didn’t take care of me while I was growing up. If I’m still angry at my collection of pasts narcissists. The answer is “some days”. I’m working on not looking back at anything past yesterday. Putting energy, time, and thoughts into what they did or why they did it, is not moving forward in my healing. I believe that everyone has their stuff and our stuff is based on childhood wounds, how our caretakers took care of us or the lack of not taking care of us. We cannot change anything that happened in the past. Whatever happened to our parents and grandparents and all the generations prior we can’t do anything about any of that either.

If we dwell on what happened in the past and we keep stirring the pot of “ifs”, “when”, “whats” and “whys”, then we are not focusing on taking care of ourselves now. Moving forward on our healing journey by setting boundaries, recognizing red flags, and doing our therapy homework.

I wrote a story some time ago before I started blogging and it was about a family member not letting their past go. They had an hour conversation with me about what their parents did or didn’t do. The family member described vividly the pain and trauma growing up. I told the member, you are going to have to let that go. You can’t change it and the more you think about it, the more it grows into more. I used the term “cancer” because it is cancer that starts small in our cognitive brain and if we keep meditating on it, it grows and it soon consumes our mind daily.

I’m working on forgiving and healing because I will never forget. I pray that you’ll join me on the journey of moving forward, healing, setting boundaries, recognizing red flags, loving myself more , and taking baby steps in recovery.

Yesterday I did a check on my bucket list and that was Charleston SC. It kept coming up in conversations I had with many so I decided to come to see what the fuss was all about in the low country.

My friend and I made our way downtown and went to the Market. As we approached the building my friend informed me that the building had been a slave market and many retail centers in the area were formerly the same. As I walked into the building my energy immediately started stifling. It was painful to walk and see so many white people shopping, laughing, and enjoying a place where humans had previously been sold. It just didn’t feel right to dismiss the thought that I was walking on bloodshed ground where human beings had been exploited. We left immediately.

I want to relate my feeling to the survivors of narcissist relationships. We too were exploited for another human being’s image. The white man exploited slaves for his image and the narcissist exploits supply for their image. While they look different and are completely different, each situation is traumatic. The only pain we know is the pain we know. We can’t compare or measure emotional pain. Our devil is our devil on our level and unless we recognize our trauma, sit with our pain, and quit stuffing it and burying it, we cannot heal. Here are some examples of traumas that we may have:

• Emotional neglect
• Gaslighting
• Harassment
• Invalidation
• Poverty
• Domestic Violence
• Bullying
• Chronic Illmess
• Medical Trauma
• Racism
• Heterosexism
• Sexism
• Weight Stigma
• Social Isolation
• Parentfication

Many of us have more than one trauma and it gets messy. Here’s the better news, nobody is alone. Others are dealing with the same thing you’re dealing with in the trauma department. Age, sex, race does not separate us when it comes to trauma. My prayer is for me, and you are to take a little tiny baby step towards healing each day. That the older generations break generational curses and the younger generations utilize technology and today’s tools to educate all of us. It’s a must that we love ourselves and we recognize that everyone has trauma and nobody is alone in their pain. ❤️

“Trauma Bonding” is a deep dive word for many. I’ll never forget the day my “shrink” told me the word. It was the word that had described my relationships with narcissists for years. I would describe it like this. I’m a fish swimming in the ocean and I see something that looks good and sparkly and I swim towards it and the closer I get the better it looks and I think I’ll get close enough to check it out and suddenly I’m hooked and caught. Then as I’m fighting to keep my boundary, which is the water, I get tired and give up the fight. About the time I think this is my new environment, I’m accepting that I’m a fish out of water and even though it’s not comfortable and I’m likely to die in this environment, at least I’m alive and I’m here, so I’ll settle with it. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I’m thrown way out in the ocean to only repeat the same exact cycle.

Why would anybody go right back to the same place that they are going to get hooked, caught, and abused? Trauma bonding! It’s loyalty to a person that is toxic/destructive.

Here are the stages of trauma bonding:

• Love Bombing ~ this is the shiny hook we see, the excess love, flattery, and appreciation so that you will next trust the narcissist.
• Trust/Dependency ~ excessive love builds trust and dependency. Now we are swimming towards the shiny thing that we trust.
• Criticism ~ the criticism is the hook going in. “This fish is so dumb.”We are getting criticized. And the demand is stronger.
• Gaslighting ~ this is our fault for swimming towards something that looks shiny. It’s our fault that we got caught but we were manipulated and doubt our perceptions.
• Resigning Control ~ we are not sure if we are in the water or out of the water. We are fighting while still on the hook. Our boundary is to stay in the water. We finally give in and resign our control.
• Loss of Self ~ now we’ve settled for our environment. We will settle for anything to just keep the peace.
• Addiction ~ We are thrown back out to sea but we can’t forget the high, the addiction of the shiny hook. The cortisol high and dopamine create the same addiction as a heroin addict.

If any part of this resonates with you, I’ll tell you as I was told, look it up. The more you research, open your eyes and ears, and are open to possibilities, the more likely you’ll be able to see things as factual. Facts can help bring awareness of repeated patterns. Hope this helped someone today. ❤️

I’ve written about the narcissist and the silent treatment red flag 🚩. Now I’m going to tell you what happens after the silent treatment. The long days, weeks, months, or sometimes years of silence, the narcissist will come running back. They return for the “supply” they have missed.

The supply is their source of energy which comes from different sources. Some examples are friends, family, or social media community. They need their supply to build on their grandiose delusion. They need you to give your attention, time, and energy. They will normally foreplay the situation by bringing gifts, taking you to dinner, swooning you in to get what they need. Once you’ve been sucked back in, they have won. They have your time, attention, and energy. Sometimes they will tell you some drama or some recent situation about something terrible that happened to them during the “silent treatment”. They will of course be the victim and want you to say how sorry you are for them. They need your compassion, sympathy but mostly empathy because an empath gives the energy, put themselves in the narcissist situation.

Let me be clear on the next statement, narcissists do not have empathy. They envy that they don’t have any feelings where they can place themselves in an empathic situation. If you ever cry or have a bad day, do not expect a narcissist to give you a hug, hand you a hanky or wipe your tears. They do not know what to do with folks in pain. Your job for them is to only be positive, uplifting to them, and empathize with their situation.

If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to speak to a professional therapist. I’ve spoken to several women lately that have “thanked” me for writing about the narcissist. I’m thankful that I’m serving my purpose and the lights are coming on but you must have a therapist if you are dealing with a narcissist. Love yourself! ❤️

For 20 plus years I was in automotive and around 13 years of my automotive career I was a representative calling on automotive dealers. I called myself the bartender of automotive because I listened all day to their stories. Every manager, sales rep, porter, and office personnel had a story. I listened to their wild nights out, drugs of choice including affairs, problems with their families, health, and finances. And just like a great bartender, I kept my mouth shut. I did not repeat to the next dealership what was happening from another dealership. Nor did I judge them. I think that was a huge part of my success.

Now let me talk to mainly the women since you are 63% of my audience and women need freedom to talk and speak out our feelings and emotions. One of the reasons that we cannot heal, one of the reasons we are struggling with pain and trauma is that we are not free to confess our faults one to another. Sound familiar? James 5:16 says..
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” Why do we not feel free? Because we fear judgement but more importantly we fear lack of trust. Think about it? How many “friends” can you trust to not tell your confessions? I know mine I can count on one hand. And I’m very thankful for them.

Now to everyone if you want to make a difference with those you know and don’t know, listen and zip it. We shouldn’t have to pay a therapist because they are legally bound to keep their mouth shut and not judge us. We shouldn’t go just to speak freely. We should go there for guidance. I pray you to receive this and the next time someone wants to confess something, that we remember this story and do the best thing we can do for another human. Let them talk freely so they may heal without judgment and their story being repeated.

I’m guessing that each one of you that are following me rather on my blog, social media, or personally, you connect with some part of my stories. I don’t know your story but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you were abandoned emotionally or physically, if you were raised by a narcissist or had a relationship with one. It doesn’t matter if you are an addict or recovering, here’s some great news, you are here! Because you are here, you have a purpose. You have survived which means you are a survivor! A warrior! You can follow, listen or see the best therapist in the world but unless they have been through it, they can’t feel the hell you’ve walked through to be a survivor. Here’s more good news, because you recognize your trauma, your childhood wounds, you now are choosing to heal. You get to make new choices every day. You get to pick your spiritual family, your tribe. Now that you know the narcissist red flags 🚩 you get to pick a healthy soul when you’re ready. Every day is a new day and you get to make choices that are best for you. You’ve got your box of tools and you’re ready for your new life for the rest of your life. You’re more than you were yesterday and yesterday is gone. Here’s to us! The real survivors, the real heroes of the world! Group hug 🤗

I wish my younger self had known this quote 20, 30 years ago. If only I had told those people to sail on down the line who said “that’s your mother, that’s your sister, that’s your employer, that’s your friend”. If I had just not let those people shame and guilt me into letting the toxic ones stay in my life. Wow! My life would’ve turned out different. Although, I wouldn’t have my story today for someone else’s survival guide. Which I am grateful for my purpose.

If what I am saying resonates with you, you’re made to feel guilty about keeping someone in your life and they are toxic. Which means they cause you pain and stress. It doesn’t matter who they are, you have permission to remove them.

And ask for the replacements. God has sent me friends that are better than my toxic family and friends. When I say better I mean they invite me over for holidays, check on me, support me emotionally, accept me for who I am, every bit of my good and bad. But you must keep your eyes wide open and watch for the replacements. I’ve met my replacements at different jobs, at restaurants, the Goodwill, one was a former employer.

If you are serious about healing and having a better quality of life. This is a must in your toolbox. Remove the toxics and love yourself. ❤️

This might be a deep dive for some but I want to turn on a light to everyone. When you are born to a parent that is a narcissist, you many times become codependent because you never have a choice not to pour into that parent. Because you are wanting to be accepted and loved, you give more, do more and throw yourself to try to get acceptance. In many cases, a child takes on a caretaker role for their parents or siblings, often due to neglect or abuse, this is called parentification. Unless you break the relationship with the parent, you will be in this role most likely until one of you dies.

Next as a child and an adult child of a narcissist, you have zero identity. You are only an extension of them. Your image reflects them. Your wants, needs, desires, revolves around them, which bonds the codependency more.

When that parent dies, it’s more than just a parent dying. The adult child has to rebuild their life. They have to find their identity, find what they think, feel, and need. Can you imagine being an adult and asking yourself what you like? These are things we do with babies. We put out all the different types of baby food to see what they like and what they don’t like. We give different types of toys with colors and noise to see what they are attracted to and what makes them happy. This is not the norm for children born to parents that are narcissists.

One more thing, when you grow up in certain conditions, no matter how unhealthy, abusive, dysfunctional it may be, it’s what you become accustomed to for your life. People that have only gone to the lake and never to the ocean don’t know the difference or what they are missing. It’s the norm for them to see a beautiful body of water with limits and they cannot imagine an ocean. And what we get accustomed to is what we often want and attract. You cannot break a pattern if you don’t know it’s a pattern. You cannot be aware if you’re not open to awareness. So many times the adult child attracts narcissists as partners. Why not? It’s the norm, it feels right, nothing unusual about it.

So to those who say, “her picker is bad”, don’t judge her, you don’t know her story. And to you saying, “I keep attracting narcissists.” It may be because this is normal for you. You cannot break patterns until you bring awareness. Hope this helped someone today.

Remember in school, you’d get your test back and you’d miss certain ones, or worse you made a bad grade? And you’d sit agonizing over it, looking around to see if anyone else missed the same questions or made a bad grade. And nobody wanted to say anything. Nobody wanted to be the first to say, “I missed the questions” or “I got a 70”. Then some rebel, someone who just had nothing to lose would say, “I got a 70!” Then everyone else would join in and say their grade. And soon we all felt better because we knew we were not alone. That’s how life is now. Nobody wants to feel like they were the only one that got emotionally or physically abandoned. We want to know that we were not the only one that got blinded by a narcissist or had a narcissist parent. We want to know that someone else had it just as bad as us. All of us are searching silently for others like us. We take comfort in knowing that someone else gets us. And I’m that person yelling it all out. I have nothing to lose. I just want everyone to know they are not alone. I want to know that I am not alone. And I know that I’m not alone, I see you in my direct messages. I know it’s hard to comment publicly or hit the “like” button because you’re just not ready to be that open. It’s okay! I will tell you that so many of you are saying the same thing to me in private so who knows who you might be helping if you comment on the post. Yes! We are all dealing while we are healing. I’ve learned that even the kids that look smart have something they are dealing with in life. My prayer is that you know you’re not alone. That you don’t have to look around and wonder who else is struggling. You are not the only one! Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone either. Love to all! ❤️