Yesterday I gave 4 red flags 🚩 on a narcissist. It stirred and resonated with several of you. So today I’m giving you what I believe is the most damaging trait of a narcissist, the silent treatment.

The silent treatment occurs when they are not in agreement with you. If they don’t like something you said, something you did, you breathed heavy during a conversation with them, they will go silent on you and stay silent on you.

The silent treatment looks like this. You can text, no reply. You can call, no answer. You can knock on the door, no response. This can go on for days, weeks and months. In the meantime you don’t know what is wrong, or what you did and are not given any reason. Do you know how painful that is to have someone just totally ignore you. It’s ghosting on bionics.

True story…I know parents that have given their children the silent treatment. I know siblings that give their siblings the silent treatment. I’ve known it to go on for years. It’s emotionally painful and traumatizing for the victim.

And when the narc decides to reply, talk, open the door again, they will act as nothing happened. They will not address it or if they do address it, they will gaslight it and blame you. My personal experiences have been from silence to nothing happened to gifts.

If you have a relationship with a narcissist parent, partner, or sibling and they go silent. LET THEM! Do not contact them and beg, blow up the phone or knock the door down. It just gives them supply. Let it be and don’t give them supply, which is control by making you crazy. I’m sorry I know it’s really painful but don’t do it. Stay strong! ❤️

I’ve only written about narcissists 3 times since I started blogging. I avoid it for several reasons but one of those is many do not truly understand the red flags, warning signs and traits. And although I want to educate and lights to come on, I am not a professional, a psychologist or counselor so I can only tell you from my experiences. I’m not going to tell you that your partner/parent is a narcissist based on my personal experiences. I will tell you that my experiences include a narcissist parent and a long term narcissist relationship which gives me over 50 years of experience. If I’m applying for a job based on my resume, I’m getting it due to my experience.

Here are some red flags you need to consider to find out if your partner is a narcissist.

🚩 You’re walking on eggshells – trying to keep the peace; spending energy to avoid what will set them off

🚩They lie – exaggerate and embellish stories to make you jealous, to build their image. Make promises with no intention of keeping them. Always an excuse or an alibi.

🚩 They’re addicts – they will have an addiction. Alcohol, narcotics, porn, sex, and often more than one. And note they will be a functioning addict. This is because the image is everything to them. They can’t be seen as a drunk or having an issue.

🚩 You are ONLY an extension of them. It’s their schedule, what they want, when they want it, how they want it, where they want it. They are controlling and it’s not always obvious. It’s a silent expectation.

The narcissist is what I call a large elephant and the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. You’ve got 4 bites to chew on until next time.

🚩One VERY IMPORTANT note! Do not confront, ask or question someone you may think is a narcissist. They can be extremely dangerous and that should only be handled by your professional.

For decades I knew I had a magnet on me for addicts. I can go down the list workaholic, pothead, alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, narcissist. I thought I was a “fixer”. As an empath and helper, I just knew I could help them get better. Nope! Wrong! Stop! Don’t even waste your time. You cannot get anybody better. They must want to get better. Period!

As I told a friend the other day. I’m not here to “fix” anybody with my stories. I’m here to turn the light on. If my story resonates with someone and the light comes on then they control the dimmer switch. It’s up to them how bright they want it to be. Digging up old wounds is just downright painful. It’s hard to heal from our stuff. Emotional healing takes longer and is more painful than physical. If you break your leg and are in a cast, people are nice to you. They will open doors, assist you with your crutches, strangers will ask if you need assistance. Not so much the same when you are trying to heal from trauma and emotional pain. Because we don’t wear a t-shirt and hat naming our stuff. Nobody knows the hell you’re going through or went through.

It’s up to each individual to choose to get better. As I was told in therapy “nobody is coming to save you.” Each one of us controls our dimmer switch. I’ve had mine on since 2009. Yes! I’ve been in crazy school aka therapy with my shrink, (the fun word) since 2009. I’ve turned it up bright at times when I got sick and tired of a situation. I’ve healed from a lot but I still have a long road ahead.

You can learn to fly again. You may crawl, walk and run first but you can do it. You have the power to gather information, to apply it, to open your eyes for signs, and follow your intuition. Meditate and pray for strength, peace, and guidance. And never give up! They’re all just speed bumps, not roadblocks. You’re okay and you’re going to be okay. Love yourself! ❤️

I have at least one person ask me weekly, “how are you so transparent?“ They say it in awe. Like they can’t comprehend it. I explain it like this. There are a few things, I’ve suppressed my stuff for decades. I’ve been transparent about my “fake life” but not my real life. Ya know that stuff that you carry to your pillow, that only God knows, that pains you so deeply that you can’t talk about it. That stuff, we all got. The stuff we keep suppressing and making us sick. Sick with anxiety, depression, fear, anger, resentment, etc… Much like when we are sick with food poisoning, we try not to vomit, we talk ourselves out of throwing up, we lie down, we swallow hard, we breathe, and try like everything not to puke our guts up. The entire time we are doing all this, we know that we will feel better when we release the bad stuff we have digested. That’s how our trauma, our mental health works, suppressing it does not make us better. We can say we are ok, we can fake it, we can push it out of our head and avoid it but it doesn’t make us better. It doesn’t matter if you write it, say it, or confess it, you will feel better letting it out.

Next, desperate people do desperate things. I’ve said that for years. It’s true when you get to the end of your rope with your life, there’s only one choice, make a change. A change for the better. Leaving this crazy world is not an option. You may think you’re not loved, nobody cares but that’s not true. That’s the pain, the trauma, the grief telling you that. I know because depression speaks volumes. Depression will take you out if you let it. I refused to let it.

I decided to do the only thing left and that was to ask God to remove my pain and reveal my purpose. Once you know your purpose, your calling and you know your path, you look at everything differently. I was so distraught with my past that I decided that it was not what I was running to but what I was running from. I was sick, tired, and desperate. To you that are sick of your life. The life that others have molded you to be and not your authentic self. If this resonates with you then you understand everything I just said. Letting the past go, changing to your authentic self, and knowing your purpose is the best thing that will ever happen in your life. And that’s how you become so transparent.

I’ve been thinking this week about the leading news story regarding the young woman who was found dead and her boyfriend is missing. It’s bothered me and triggered some pain for me due to being a survivor from a narcissist relationship(s).

When I see the video of her crying, the “meltdown”, I know he crossed her boundaries. Her emotional pain is equivalent to being a rape victim. Narcissists know zero boundaries. Nothing applies to them. They will continue to gaslight until you are doing exactly what she was doing, having an emotional breakdown. And when the cops came, he called her “crazy”, it was “her fault”, they deflect everything to their victim. They are passive-aggressive controlling. Expert on controlling without saying a word.

I don’t profess to be an expert, I’m not a psychologist or counselor but I’m a survivor with over 50 years of experience and I’m confident I know about narcissists. If I could give one piece of advice, be aware of when someone crosses your boundaries. They do not respect you. Your feelings, your thoughts, your individuality does not matter to them. You are only an extension of them. Pay attention to those who cross your boundaries because they might just be a narcissist.

Trouble doesn’t last but the trauma doesn’t stop. I heard someone say that quote and it resonated with me.

We’ve all had our share of trouble. Everyone has experienced something. Childhood trauma, abandonment, emotional, physical, sexual abuse, death of a loved one, a job loss, a break-up or divorce, a health issue, trouble with the system, jail, a traumatic experience, something you can’t unsee. As you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re thinking about that trouble and maybe you feel the pain of that trouble. The pain you feel is your trauma.

Trauma stays with you long after the trouble is over. The pain of losing a parent or a child never leaves you. On some level, we are all traumatized by something we have experienced. All these things I’ve listed are plus a pandemic. We had plenty of stuff before the pandemic and as my mother would say “it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.” And that’s it, we are broken. As a community, as a nation, and as a world. And broken is broken. We are not in a competition so we can’t compare traumas. My devil is just as real on my level just like yours is real on your level. We can’t measure emotional pain, grief, or trauma. We just need to know that we are all in the same boat. Some hide it better than others and some fake it better but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. We need to remember this and quit judging people that we know nothing about their story. We need to practice kindness and quit name-calling. Life is hard and nobody needs to make it harder. Take care of yourself and love yourself, as you deserve as a traumatized survivor. ❤️

I was talking with a friend in my tribe. I was basically having a one on one session about childhood abandonment, narcissist, and boundaries. I told a story about when a family member asked me for something and I told them “no”. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t stutter, I didn’t say “uh, let me think about it”, I said “no”. They hung the phone up and never spoke to me again.

If you want to test someone’s love for you, have boundaries and enforce them. I think back to how many times I allowed my boundaries to be pushed, crossed, disregarded which disrespected me. So many times my gut, energy, intuition was saying “no”, it didn’t feel good thinking about it or doing it but I did it and allowed it anyway. I did it to make others happy, not myself. All the time I thought I was making others happy, now they are no longer around.

After years of not enforcing boundaries, I woke up. I realized after losing 4 people in 4 years, that life is too short! The Bible says “God is no respecter of persons.”, which means God treats us all the same because we are all the same. That means, I could die next, you could die next. No promise of tomorrow is given. We only have this life to live and we don’t need to be living for others. Our boundaries need to be respected. We also don’t need to apologize, give a reason, or be made to feel guilty about our boundaries. The family member tried the ol’ guilt trip but I was unwavering. If you wanna test someone’s love and respect for you, enforce your boundaries, see what happens. Tell them without reason and then watch. It’s like your own superpower, you’ll see right through them real fast.

I wrote about abandonment last week. I want to tell you today what an abandoned child does to get loved. They invest!

A child that has been abandoned physically and/or emotionally, will invest their time, money, body, energy, and every fiber of their being to get loved. It starts as a child but can continue to the grave.

They are investors in their relationships, employers, friends, family, and sometimes strangers just so they can get a return on their investment. They are so emotionally starved for love that they are extremely vulnerable and open to any investment with just about anybody.

They are great candidates for users, abusers, narcissists due to their vulnerability. They believe that if they just invest enough, give enough, do enough that the user, abuser, the narcissist will return the same. Unfortunately, this does not happen. The user, abuser, narcissist gives zero return. They are only takers and the abandoned child is only a giver. This cycle can go on for years, decades, and to the grave.

The grief comes if the abandoned child eventually sees zero return on their investment. The grief, the pain from the reality of what it is traumatic. It’s traumatizing to invest everything until you are broke. You have given everything just get to zero return. Pain, grief, and going broke changes people.

To you abandoned child and anybody else this resonates with, don’t go broke investing in people that give you zero return. You will grieve in those areas that you invested the most and got zero return. Your best investment is you. Love yourself!