I wanna talk about desperate, bottom of the bottom, sick and tired, tired and sick, miserable, DONE. I have said and felt all of those words. I have said I am so miserable, I will eat out of a dumpster before I continue this situation, I have said God I will do whatever just take away this pain, I have said I am DONE! When we get to any of these points and it’s consistent, I mean it’s not just a bad day, it’s not just a bad week, it’s been going on for months, years, and a season in your life, it is time for a new chapter, a new season. Here is how you know that you are ready for your next chapter and you’re ready for a new season.

You will leave that situation no matter what it is, a job, a relationship, a house, a car, anything that you are done dealing with that thing. And you may not know what is next. You may not know where you going, what you are buying next, you may not know who is next, or what job you are going to land but you know that you cannot do this thing anymore. And you are not even worried about what is next because when you get to that point, it is not about what you are running to but it is what you are running from. Let me say it again when you get sick and tired, you are not worried about what’s next, you are running from that situation.

I explained it like this to someone recently. They said they were miserable but they also didn’t want to go to the next chapter unless this or that happened. I said, “you need to quit worrying about what is next, who is next, where is next because when you get miserable, you will run and you won’t worry about what you are running to.” Then I went on to say, in the movies when they get scared, they get done with something, what do they do? They take off running, they run, jump in the car, drive fast and they don’t know where they are going but the next thing we know, they are jumping off buildings, running off cliffs, driving through road construction, going to places and doing things they never thought they’d do but because they are desperate, they make changes and have no idea where they are going.

We cannot worry about what is next, we have to have faith and trust God. God opens doors but we have to turn door handles. We can’t just expect someone to knock on the door and say “here’s your new partner, job, home, etc..” We have to make investments in ourselves by leaving situations that are zero returns. If we worked as much on ourselves as we did on others, imagine what we could accomplish. Identify what is causing that depression, anxiety, panic attacks, dysfunctional eating patterns, and/or substance abuse. If it’s your environment, reevaluate it. Pray and listen to your intuition and that small voice. And then don’t worry about what you are running to but what you are running from.

I believe we have to look at toxic people/relationships like we are window shopping. Have you ever walked on a car lot and dreamed of exotic vehicles or walked by high-end designer stores and only looked in the window because you knew you couldn’t afford the price tag? You dreamed and imagined yourself in it or it in your space and you thought “ it would be nice”. I believe that is how we have to look at toxic relationships with people we love. You have to accept and love them as they are and stop wishing, dreaming, and trying to afford them emotionally.

Recovering from toxic relationships is the most painful pain I’ve ever felt. I’ve been on this journey for 6 months and I now look back at those toxic relationships and know the heartbreak, the pain and grief was a high price tag I simply just couldn’t afford. It broke me! Bankrupted me emotionally. Burned me to the ground. If only I would’ve just walked by, looked, smiled, and thought “that’s nice” instead of going in, touching, feeling, trying it on, and trying to afford them. It took everything I had in my emotional bank account to afford them.

Each time we compromise ourselves for someone toxic by not holding boundaries, we invest in them while they don’t invest in us, and we allow emotional abuse, we are withdrawing from our emotional bank account. We simply cannot afford it because we never get deposits from them. We give and give and give while they take, take and take. You know the saying…”Givers gotta know when to stop giving because takers never stop taking.”

So ask yourself the next time you are around your toxic person, “Can I afford this?” Check your energy and listen to the voice that says “I feel exhausted, I feel depressed, I feel anxious, and/or I feel pain.” It’s the same voice that says to you as you window shop, “I can’t afford this.” You may just have to keep walking, dream about them not being toxic, imagine them not being emotionally abusive to you and know your emotional bank cannot afford them.

Many years ago my shrink asked me to take the word “can’t” out of my vocabulary. She corrected me every time I said “I can’t do this anymore.” or anytime I put “can’t” in a sentence. She asked that I replace it with “won’t” or “will not” because “can’t” means I don’t have control. We are what we tell ourselves and each time we say “we can’t” we are telling ourselves and others that we do not have control.

We are as we think and so many times it’s our voices of the past that dictate what we think we are not capable of doing but we are capable if we just stop saying “can’t”. Fear, insecurity, and “can’t” are all cousins. They have a reunion in our head daily and the only entertainment they get is us entertaining them. I’m learning on my journey to face my fears. Doing and saying things I never thought I was capable of doing or saying. Pushing myself to get unstuck so I can be healthier and happier.

Challenge yourself one time a week, one time a day. The more you do it the easier it gets. Just like riding a bike, every time you get better and better. Say it with me…”I’m not stuck because I can’t, I’m stuck because I won’t.” Sounds different, doesn’t it?

The other day I had a conversation with someone I know very well and they said a few things that sounded like they were searching for compassion, encouragement and they needed reinforcement. Instead of doing those actions, I asked this, “Why are you victim-minded right now?” They got very quiet and then in a strong tone said “I’m not a victim.” Which I replied “Exactly!” If we are not victims then let’s not have a victim mindset.

Did you pay attention to what I said to them? I didn’t give them what they were fishing for with me. I brought their attention to their tone and their words only to snap their attention to what they were doing. I usually don’t do that due to I know people do need compassion, love, and understanding but I felt my energy saying they are not as pathetic as they sound. They are just having a victim mindset and my intuition proved to be right. They said, “I’m not a victim.” And in a snap, it changed the conversation and their mindset.

As my shrink told me when I feel like a victim, feel sorry for myself and need pity. “Here you can have a pity party (as she handed me a box of tissues), you can get a crying towel and you can cry, curl up in a ball and cry your eyes out but just like all parties, people get tired and the party gets old and it’s time to leave the party.” Pity parties work the same way.

If you are feeling like you are a victim to your circumstances then I highly suggest that you curl up in a ball, cry your eyes out, get you a crying towel, kick, scream, roll on the floor and cuss your heart out but when it’s over, get yourself together and stand like a warrior. Stand like you are David looking at Goliath and do not bat an eye at those circumstances in your life. Take all your knowledge and all your strength and tackle that thing that you cried over for hours, days, months. Pray and ask God to give you strength, and wisdom to tackle that thing. Trust me that prayer thing works. I find myself saying and doing things I never thought I had within me but they were there all along. I just had to believe in myself and the God in me to do them. If I can do it, you can too!