My Daddy

I have blogged a lot about my mother but I don’t say much about my daddy. Maybe because it’s still painful on some level. He was my first love. I mean I bonded with him like most babies bond with their mothers. I was a daddy’s girl right out of the wound.

Shortly after I was born my daddy fell off a building in Nashville. He broke his back and was never the same physically. He quickly became unemployed and mom became the breadwinner. My memory doesn’t take me back that far or to infancy but my first memory of being home before I started school was with my daddy.

He raised me until my parents divorced. I was 9 years old when they divorced. I spent almost a decade with my first love. I was his only child and it was obvious that I could do no wrong. Even when I did wrong he just shook his head. I only got in real trouble once due to I left the dog on her leash and she ran off and got tangled up in the woods. I was only about 4 or 5 years old but I remember how stern he was with me and that switch he cut off the tree that he tapped so lightly.

My memories of being with him range from going to flea markets, granny’s house every morning to eat breakfast, visiting his brother who trained horses, riding in the back of his pickup truck with my cousin drinking Yoo Hoo’s, trick or treating with him, going to carnivals, and so many more fun times.

I believe it’s why a part of me died twice. I died when that green Chevy pickup truck backed up to the front door of our home and he started loading furniture on it. I remember the fighting between him and my mother. I was about 8 years old. It was the day my mother left him. I can still see it so vividly as I looked in the doorway from the living room and was thinking I don’t know where she is going but I’m not going. Within hours later I was ripped from my daddy. I cried every day for almost a year.

I died again in 1999 when he passed. It was the first worst day of my life. It’s been almost 24 years since he left me for good but those memories never fade. I will hold the love in my heart forever. Here’s to healing my heart on Father’s Day. The first man who was my world and changed my world forever, my daddy.

Fear of the Unknown

Anytime we are not sure about anything, our relationships, our economy, jobs, and finances. We are often traumatized by the unsureness which makes us fight, flight, or freeze.

If we don’t know if he/she is cheating, leaving, or staying we will become stressed which leads to fighting with them, us flighting and leaving first, or freezing and becoming emotionally and/or physically detached. Being unsure is being sure of nothing.

Uncertainty is a silent killer. It’s the number one distraction in our society. It’s why when inflation is high and paychecks are low that we see more violence, more suicides, and crime is higher. It’s because uncertainty breeds fear of the unknown. Not knowing how to take the same amount we made 5 years ago and apply it to today’s essential needs.

Many of us withdraw and freeze because the stresses of life put us in the thinking lab aka The Rabbit Hole to figure out what we can do to improve our situation. Some people will be more sensitive and/or angry at just the fact they have been victimized through no fault of their own and feel more entitled. Some will become more image-conscious and try to pretend the situation is not affecting them. Anyway, you slice it or dice it we are not ourselves.

We can see how the gray area of life causes imbalance. We want to say “Love me or leave me but don’t leave me hanging.” We want it to be clear where we stand. It’s why many people who feel rejected by family due to their religious, political, or sexual preferences flee to often unhealthy but feeling secure relationships. They just want a place of certainty.

Let’s remember that maybe many of us or maybe all of us are not ourselves. Let’s assume we all live in the land of gray and we all are uncertain and projecting our fear of the unknown because we have known is gone.

Lesson 100000000000000006

Yesterday I spent over 7 hours at a medical appointment. What I thought was going to be a simple process turned out to be a lot more detailed than what I could imagine. In the past, I had done something similar but this was not the same as it was much more complicated. It was much more complicated because I had ignored my own health needs. Now I was paying the price of procrastination due to time, money, and the demands of life.

I’ll share it with you as I told my friend. There is no escaping anything. We deal with it as it presents itself or we chuck it in the “fuck it bucket” until it grows and we must deal with it. This is everything! That little tee tiny place that we think is nothing is now cancer that’s taken over our bodies. That little bill that’s due but we don’t pay it because we choose something more comforting like brunch, shopping, or Netflix is now suing us or garnishing our check. That thing that someone said or did hurt our feelings but we ignore it for fear of confrontation so we repress our feelings and anger until we explode. Nothing is going away until we deal with it.

It’s why we keep repeating the same lessons. Procrastinating our pain is not supposed to be pocketed. We need to deal with it as it presents itself no matter how painful it is or how long it takes because it’s not going away. The little spot, the bill, the anger, the secret in our vault. All will still be there until it rears its ugly head and gets right in your face.

It’s a hard lesson but we will keep repeating it until we stop the madness of delaying the pain. The best thing we can do is stop self abandoning for the demands that others put on us, stop trying to escape the pain and deal with it as it presents itself. Make it lesson 1, not lesson 100000000000000006.

She Found Her Authentic Self

Someone asked me the other day what I teach and what type of coaching I do. I responded with one word “transformation”. I teach how to transform from who we believe we are based on generational beliefs that I call generational curses. I teach and coach people how to be their authentic selves by releasing our inner critic, which include our thoughts, beliefs, fears, insecurities, opinions, wounds and how to understand ourselves. And how do we get there? Awareness. Practicing being conscious instead of being on automatic pilot.

I will follow up and say it’s not for everyone. If anyone believes they have no room for growth due to their life is perfect then this might not be for the perfect people. It takes a hungry person that wants to better themselves emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to commit. It takes a level of self-awareness that sometimes will bring tears streaming down your face when you get real. It takes an open heart to allow compassion for yourself while removing guilt, shame, and judgment.

If we worked as hard on ourselves as we did trying to change others including exclusion and cancel culture, can you imagine that perfect world? The reason we try to change others instead of ourselves is because we believe it’s easier. It is definitely not as painful.

As I tell my participants. We lie to ourselves daily. We say we’ve gained 5 lbs when the scale says 15 lbs. But that’s too painful so we go with it’s not that bad or that much. We avoid suffering while we are suffering. It’s like a hamster on a wheel. If we keep doing the same thing over and over then there’s no change, no new direction, no growth, and no transformation.

Understanding our authentic selves is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. Not just ourselves but our children and their children, our families, and our friends. It’s the gift that keeps on giving and living for generations long after we’ve passed. I want my tombstone to read “ She found her authentic self.”

A Lion is not a House Cat

My first therapist made an illustration for me that was so impactful that I’m still telling sharing it with others today.

I was sitting on her sofa, ranting and raging about my mother. I was telling about how she manipulated me, tried to shame me for saying “no” because she was my mother, how she told stories to me of how someone else’s children loved them to make a comparison. It was all toxic narcissist behavior but in the earlier 2000’s the word narcissist was not tossed around as it is now.

When I got finished with my rant and tears of pain my therapist said, “Dana you treat your mother like a house cat but she is a lion. If you continue to let her in your house and don’t keep her on a leash, she will slice you and dice you. If you don’t want to get eaten up then treat her as what she is a lion.”

I think that therapist illustrated what Maya Angelou said: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Just because a lion is roaming the streets freely doesn’t mean he’s tame. Our deception is when we put a label on someone that we love and care about we don’t want to believe they have the capabilities to hurt us. We want to make believe that the lion is a house cat. We keep allowing that person to come into our homes which is our safe space without setting boundaries. We continue to allow manipulation, control, gaslighting, and triangulation. Triangulation you know that thing people do to devalue you through comparison to invite jealousy, insecurities, and doubt?

Let’s stop make believing and start believing what people show us. Let’s remove the label of family, partner, and best friend and let the animal show you who they are through their behaviors. Let’s stop treating lions like house cats.

Cinderella Story

Have you ever heard someone’s story and thought How is this possible? They tell the story as if it’s magical, like a Cinderella story. Two particular people come to mind when I think of Cinderella stories, the first is Tyler Perry from homeless to self-made billionaire and the next is Steve Harvey from living in his vehicle for 3 years to Emmy award-winning.

I grew up believing in miracles. My childhood church taught healing the sick, having faith, and much more. But my mother struggled as a single mom instilled in me that better days are coming. It’s what gave her hope and kept her waking up another day. If you grew up poor, homeless, struggling, and living paycheck to paycheck then I know you get it. It’s all there was, to believe in a miracle because if you asked anyone how do you get there, no one knew. Just keep praying, having faith, and hoping it works out.

I believe the difference between those with the Cinderella story and those who are not there yet is that they are not moving on instinct. Instinct will guide you when it doesn’t make sense. Instinct will give you answers when you cannot find them in the text. It’s our God-given central intelligence that we often dismiss due to objectivity. Basing our decisions on external data rather than subjectivity, our feelings and beliefs, not to be confused with trauma.

Instinct is more than just having faith, hoping, and praying, instinct is about knowing. And that knowledge comes from allowing that small inner voice to guide us. But here is the kicker, if you are not still, quiet, and in touch with your spiritual man, you will miss it. It’s always there but we miss it because we refuse to stop. We refuse to quiet the mind, pray, meditate, connect with nature, and find our spiritual man.

I believe that Tyler Perry and Steve Harvey had a lot of quiet time during those years they were homeless. They weren’t watching the news, emailing, texting, calling, and scrolling social media just to compare themselves. Those are not options when you are homeless. You have one option and that’s to have faith and trust your instinct if you wanna survive and have a Cinderella story.

Sit With Me in the Dark

I was walking the Beltline in Atlanta the other day when a little girl maybe around the age of 10 rolled passed me on her scooter. Earlier I had passed her and her parents so I knew they were right behind me. All of a sudden she lost her balance and fell. You could hear the skin scraping on the concrete path. After she stopped sliding, she paused and jumped up. I turned to make sure her parents were as close as I thought they were and while I was looking at them saying “Ouch”, her dad said, “That’s one tough girl.” While he was telling me that simultaneously we heard her cry but her cry wasn’t just about physical pain, it was about embarrassment, it was about her pride. She called saying, “I’m not very good.” She kept saying this over and over with tears streaming.

I felt so bad for that little girl. She kept saying “I’m not very good.” until I could no longer hear her due to walking out of sight. I felt so strongly to go back to her and say, “You are doing great.” I wanted to tell her that Colonel Sanders got rejected over 1000 times before he succeeded with Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I wanted to tell her that Walt Disney was rejected over 300 times before Mickey Mouse came to life. I wanted to tell her about Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jordan, Henry Ford and so many more. I wanted to tell her that it’s okay to fall 7 times and get up 8 times. I wished I would have because I never heard her parents say one time that she was doing good or to stop saying that because it wasn’t true. I never heard them support her while she cried insecurity.

Not having support or very limited support my entire life from my parents, grandparents, or authority figures, makes my sensitivity to it off the spectrum. I believe support is a must to heal. I encourage everyone to find at least one person that can support them through thick and thin. People isolate, grieve and feel alone because of a lack of support. We are not supporting people like they need to be supported. I know because I talk to these people weekly. I hear them, see them, and have much compassion for their pain.

Jesus says in Matthew 5:42 “Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” I read that and think that he is not talking just about money but anything that anyone needs. And “borrow” means they will return it when you need it. That is how it is supposed to work. Support and love one another.

Let’s try to remember the next time someone falls, fails, or cries for help to support them as we are called to support.

Anger Management

The abandonment wound is real. When abandonment survivors are conditioned to self-abandon and leave themselves to not rock the boat, to meet someone else’s needs, to be loved, and/or to be accepted the lines can get blurred quickly.

Underlying rage and anger bleeds into fear and this is where it gets messy. We rather suppress the anger to go along, not rock the boat, to be loved and accepted or we explode like a volcano. Sometimes there’s no gray. It’s rather black or white. It’s what happens when we are not taught to express our feelings transparently.

It’s what happens when it’s one parent or caregiver’s way or no way. If we go against them we fear we’ve disappointed them or fear the wrath of not going along and the implications are just not worth it. It also happens when authority figures such as teachers, bosses, pastors, etc.. give us no room for our thoughts or feelings. Putting us in a box only makes us want to get out.

I have a vivid memory of a teacher that told me I had the worse penmanship ever. This was after she told the 5 kids in front of me that they were doing great. It was her opinion, her thought on my writing. She never asked me what I thought or how I felt about it. From that day on I stopped trying to improve. I thought “Who cares I’m already the worst.” Although I said nothing I hated that teacher from that day forward. Suppressing hurt and anger for fear of getting in trouble.

And just because we say nothing doesn’t mean the boiling pot isn’t boiling. It just hasn’t boiled over yet. It’s why we need to create safe spaces for people to express how they feel without fear of judgment or abandonment.

Then there’s the avenue of “Don’t leave me.” so we keep silent to be loved. This is where we let it roll off like water off a duck’s back. Emotional abuse continues as we endure our pain. We suffer until we decide we can’t suffer another day. Until we reach the point of no return or we rise from our ashes rebuilt like a Phoenix rising. Sometimes that can take more than half a lifetime because we are warriors. Suffering, pain, and endurance are in our DNA. Nobody knows anger management better than a child in an adult’s body with an abandonment wound. Sending hugs and love to every who gets this!

Love ❤️ is the Target 🎯

If your son, daughter, mother or father or someone you dearly loved was gay, queer, bisexual, transgender, or plus would you be posting the viral videos of Target’s new attire? Would you be so judgmental?

Note that Target is behind. They are not the first major retailer to launch attire for PRIDE 🌈 month. Nordstrom has been on that game for years. Amazon carries LGBTQ-plus attire too in case you have a Prime membership.

Maybe you didn’t pay attention to the other retailers but because Target is your go-to, your preferred retailer to buy things you don’t need you now want to boycott the store. You want to post public videos threatening to take away dollars. Better start looking for your next go-to retailer because it’s here and it’s here to stay.

We are in the middle of a revolution. Half of us are trying to be more loving, more compassionate, understanding, kinder, and more gentle, we are trying to heal from trauma, our pain, and suffering. We are trying to forgive those that meant no harm for what they unknowingly did to us. Because we are only as conscious of the level we have experienced. My mother had blocks and so did your mother.

The other half is trying to narrow the path by excluding anyone who they believe is not right. Who is anyone to say that you are correct and they are wrong? Let’s say you are right and we are wrong. Now what? Do you get a moment of recognition? Did you get the “Right” award? And this makes you closer to heaven? Help me understand the purpose of excluding people, judging them and you getting the honor of being right.

Judging, controlling, instilling fear, anger, hating, and exclusion are all things from the ego. None of the above is from God! None of the above is like Jesus when he walked the earth. If you wanna be a disciple then be accepting, nonjudgmental, kind, and loving, and stop instilling fear just because you’re scared. The lenses of fear look different for everyone.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” John 15:12

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31

“Do everything in love.” 1 Corinthians 16:14

It’s Time When It’s the Right Timing

In 2020 after the pandemic hit, I started writing a memoir about my relationships from childhood to adulthood. I wrote raw truth that I’ve kept vaulted for the most part. In 2021 after my moving back to Atlanta I continued writing and finished a very important part of my life. I also joined a well-known publishing community for support but then in 2022, I stopped writing.

I thought I had stopped writing due to being in the market for a home, at least that is what I told myself. “I don’t have time to write.” I’m coming up on a year of living in my new home and I still haven’t written the first word. I’ve thought about it, prayed about it, and questioned my motivation. When I search for the answer I find it.

My perspective has changed. The way I looked at my life from 2020 to today is two different stories. Yes, it happened but I wouldn’t write it with undertones of anger and grief. I would write it as a story of healing and compassion for not just myself but for others. And if I’d finished it in 2022 as I had intended then I would’ve left out a big chapter of what I am living now.

Sometimes we hit speed bumps, yield signs, and even stop signs because it’s not over. If we are racing to the finish line, what’s the point? To say I did it? To have that moment of recognition that quickly fades? We miss allowance. Allowing things to unfold as they have been prepared for us not as we see they should be done.

I think it’s important to remember not to get attached to outcomes. The outcome is coming how it’s coming but when we get attached to how we think it needs to be then we are limiting ourselves and often breaking our hearts with disappointment.

And never think that pain doesn’t have a purpose. Every loss, pain, grief, and suffering we have survived will be a gateway to a purpose. There is no way I could guide participants in my sessions if I didn’t understand where they come from. It’s hard to empathize with those who have been abandoned emotionally and/or physically if you’ve never experienced it. I’m not even sure you can relate to anyone in a narcissistic relationship unless you’ve lived it because nobody understands it or believes you. From pain to purpose is a gift. A shared gift to others.

No matter what you are seeking today, a book deal, a recording deal, that one piece of art that puts you on the map, a new relationship, a job, a new career, a new home, whatever it is pay attention to the speed bumps, yield signs and stop signs, for they are there for a reason. What is coming to you and specifically for you is not going anywhere. It’s been there the entire time and it will be there when the timing is right.