I’ve watched a couple of Netflix documentaries about women who fall prey to master manipulators. It’s a big trigger for me and brings up stuff that the old me experienced. If you watch these documentaries, Bad Vegan and The Tinder Swindler with zero experience with master manipulators or narcissists you may say this could not be real, these women are stupid or crazy. Trust me, they are not crazy, or stupid and it’s very real.

I understand your take because it’s so far-fetched how could anyone give up their life, go broke, file bankruptcy because of buying into a belief system that’s an illusion.

I can tell you how from my own experience and my story that closely rivals these documentaries. The abandonment wound craves love, companionship, acceptance, and emotional connection. It doesn’t matter your race, age, sex, or social status, you can fall into the trap of what you think is real love. I’ll use the analogy of a mirage in the desert. When you are so thirsty and your desire is so strong for the emotional need to be fulfilled, you cannot see things for what they are, you see them as you need them or want them to be.

A master manipulator can just allude to things to make one think it’s happening or it’s possible. They know they are painting a picture to their victims with no intention of fulfilling the victim’s need or want. If my dream is to go to Paris and the next thing I see from the manipulator are brochures on Paris, or a travel agent’s card or a book on how to speak French, I am going to think I’m getting a trip to Paris. But the trip never comes. That’s how it works when you are dealing with a narcissist!

They will lie, manipulate, throw breadcrumbs and dangle carrots just to get what they want. As I told a tribe member, I don’t like carrots anymore. I don’t follow breadcrumb trails and I will not fall for a lie or be manipulated. Once you see it for what it is, you can never unsee it. Once the pattern is broken you will never repeat it.

It’s all an illusion, it’s alluding because they’ll never admit they said it, committed to it, or promised it. Believe me! In the words of my mother, “never put your trust in man” only in God and yourself because man will lead you down a path that leads to a rabbit hole that you cannot imagine. Believe in yourself by listening to your instinct, your gut talk, and your intuition. Its the only way to avoid the master manipulator alluding to the illusion.

Next up in the list of Louise Hay’s The Power of Self Love is Loving Yourself Means Supporting Yourself.

She says, Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.

This is another challenging one for me. I’d rather move a car by myself, push it uphill than ask for help. I learned to be very independent after my parents divorced. At times there wasn’t anyone to help me so I always figured it out by myself. Now when I do ask for help, it means I need it.

For us that find asking challenging and hard to do, we must remember there are helpers out there. That’s their gift is to help others. They enjoy doing it and some love to do it. I have tribe members that love to help. They have helped me move, decorate, given me rides, and the list goes on. If they didn’t help others I believe they would feel as though they were not serving others and fulfilling their purpose.

Asking for help means that you love yourself enough to ask for support. It’s a sign of strength and bravery. We don’t have to do anything alone. Allow others to use their gifts to help us. Prayers are oftentimes answered through helpers. If we don’t ask and allow sometimes we miss our answer. Love yourself enough to ask for help.

Number six on The Power of Self Love list by Louise Hay is Praise Yourself.

She says Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.

This one is challenging for me. I’m working on it because I was trained from birth to praise the parent. That’s why I believe I do a much better job encouraging others. For anyone who grew up with a narcissist caretaker then you know I’m getting ready to tell you that praising yourself was not encouraged as a child. You’re too focused on praising the caretaker. The narcissist parent is the one who must be praised. The only time the child is praised is when they align with the narcissist image, rules, and honor the system.

That said if you are not used to praising yourself then it may seem very foreign to you. But we must embrace it and praise ourselves for our achievements. I started a little mind game recently. Every time I work out I put an imaginary dollar in an imaginary bank and say you did good working out today. Here’s a dollar. I’m saving those imaginary dollars for a real prize. I’m not sure what my prize is going to be yet but it’s going to be something that awards me out of my ordinary.

I encourage you to praise yourself in any way you can. We must acknowledge our power as we have the power to do more than we believe we can do. God uses everyone to help others and in that there is power. Remember he lives in us and we are made in his image and that is very powerful. Praise yourself because you are worthy!

Continuing with Louise Hay’s podcast highlights on The Power of Self Love. I’m doing a great job, pretty proud of myself, I’m accomplishing my goal. If you are reading this and thinking “Wow! When did she become so prideful?” That’s not pride, that’s number 4 on The Power of Self Love list, Be Kind to Our Mind.

If we only spoke to ourselves as we spoke to others, we would game-change mental health. Learning to be kind to your mind is so important. I’m learning to just not think of anything. We have enough going through our heads that we cannot shut off permanently but we can temporarily. How often does our mind jump from work to our children, our grandchildren, our friends? We are thinking of things we did at work or forgot to do, then we think of other people’s problems, we ruminate until we fall asleep, and then wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it again.

You have permission to be selfish right now. Make the time, find the time, to do you. Take it to sit in silence and think about nothing. Dr. Wayne Dyer suggests that we meditate by looking at or imaging a countdown clock, similar to an NBA clock that starts at 24 and counts down to zero. If we think of anything during the countdown then we start over at 24. I’m not there yet but I’m trying.

My way is a little different, remember what works for one doesn’t work for all. During my media detox, I took a lot of baths. Up to 3 a week. I found that getting in the tub without a phone grounds me from doing anything. I can’t jump up and do laundry, clean the kitchen, answer a call or text, or read. I’m sitting in silence, sometimes some music in the background with no lyrics, and I’m practicing not to think about anything. When I do this, I find I’m being kind to my mind by giving it a break. It’s not stressing, worrying, thinking, or problem-solving.

I hope you understand the importance of being kind to your mind. Hopefully, you will find your way to shut out everything and think of nothing. Allow your inner wisdom from your soul and spirit to speak to you. Pray to God and wait for answers. Tell yourself affirmations and hug yourself. I cannot say it enough love yourself!

I am trying my best to stay on track with my commitment to y’all about Louise Hay’s podcast regarding The Power of Self Love but if you’ve followed me long enough you already know I blog from my heart and soul. When it comes up, most of the time it has to come out. Why? Because I believe it is a word for someone. Not only am I speaking to myself but it applies to someone else.

This is what I want to tell y’all. There are some people so unhappy and they’ve been so unhappy for so long that they forgot what happiness feels like. Have you ever waited too long? You waited years to take that vacation, eat at your favorite restaurant or attend your favorite event. All you remember is it felt good, it was fun and exciting. But it’s been so long that you have forgotten the exacts of the moment. You have forgotten the details of it.

I believe that’s how unhappy folks are when it comes to finding their happiness. They’ve been unhappy for so long and so miserable for so long that they have forgotten the details and benefits of being happy.

Here’s the thing…you know them, I know them. Always complaining to everyone, even on social media. They are mad about the news, gas, the electric bill, their kid’s teacher, life in general. Nothing is good in their life. It’s not that they have that many bad things happening in their life, it’s they cannot recognize the good because they are just not happy. They may say “thank ya Jesus” for the moment but wait….there it is, another complaint.

I cannot help them, you cannot help them. The first step in recovery for anything is wanting it. If you want to be happy then you will find it within you. Nobody is going to make the news pleasant, lower the price of gas or your electric bill just because you complain. Most of the time complaints fall on deaf ears anyway. I encourage everyone to find happiness. Meditate on the times and periods in your life when you were happy. It’s still there just like your vacation, restaurant or event, just make your way back to the vividness of it and you’ll find it. Let’s all find our happy!

I wanna pick up where I left off on Friday about Louise Hay’s podcast regarding The Power of Self Love. Another one on her list is Be Gentle and Kind with Yourself.

I think as a woman that women are especially hard on themselves. We feel that we must do everything for everyone or we will disappoint someone. We take on more than we need to take on and leave no space for ourselves. We commit to taking the cupcakes to school, taking our parents to the doctor’s appointment, picking up a sick grandchild, working overtime to get the job done, helping a friend in need, and the next thing you know we have left zero time, energy and often money for us.

We must take care of ourselves by being gentle and loving. We mustn’t exhaust ourselves because we can’t pour from an empty cup. If we are drained from doing for everyone else, we have no energy for ourselves. It’s okay to say “no”, to hold boundaries so that you can take care of yourself. You don’t have to answer every phone call or text message. People will wait or call the next person to help them solve their problems.

Be patient with yourself because immediate gratification doesn’t mean it will last. That includes quick weight loss diets and wrinkle creams. Embrace who you are and love yourself as you love others. Hug yourself, tell yourself that you’re doing the best you can, you’re doing great and you’re allowed to struggle. Love yourself first and others will love you!

I’m working on a personal project this month. I interviewed several people to partner with during my project. I was first guided to those that qualified because there was only a select few and then I trusted my intuition on who I felt I should partner with.

As I interviewed I also tested them for integrity, motivation, and professionalism. One lady said Can I call you back tomorrow? I replied “yes”. and then she said if I forget, will you call me? My response was “no, that’s part of your test, if you don’t call me, I will not call you.” She never called me and she didn’t get the part.

Sometimes we have to test people to see if they are qualified to be in our life, to see if they can earn a part. Our time and energy should not be easily given. Giving ourselves away to those that don’t appreciate our efforts often gets us taken for granted. Some assume just because you’ve always been there that you’ll stay there. Not true! We do outgrow relationships.

My shrink has done many forecasts on my relationships and has predicted that I would outgrow this one or that one. Because I couldn’t see my growth I have often dismissed her wisdom. Her predictions have almost always come true. She’d see that I was growing and the other person was not but was essentially only holding on to me to their benefit and holding me back if I stayed in the relationship.

That’s why now, I often give tests. Are you worthy enough for my time and energy? Are you going to prove that you want to be in a relationship with me? If we test and they fail the test, release them in love. We shouldn’t be upset, disappointed, or angry because it is just a sign that it’s not our person. They may have been at one time but maybe their season is over. Accepting that we’ve outgrown a relationship should be as simple as a plant outgrowing its pot. Eventually, the plant must be moved or it will die. We must remember if we don’t move forward on our path and embrace growth including outgrowing relationships, we will stunt ourselves emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. We should never stunt our growth or pause on our path to wait on others to catch up. Give tests and see if they can pass and deserve a part in your life.