Sometime last year I wanted to do something, something a little risky for my recovery. I knew it but I needed a confirmation from my shrink. When I asked her for her advice she said, “You know the risk of choosing this.” Those words stay with me every day. What am I risking if I choose this?

I’m learning while in recovery the value of taking care of myself and not pushing myself to do unnecessary things that cause triggers or possible relapses. I know it’s priceless how far I’ve come.

I choose wisely based on what feels good, what I like, not what my parents liked or preferred. I measure my energy before doing a task.

Rather in recovery or not, we are allowed to say “no” and hold our boundaries. We don’t have to execute what was important to our caretakers. Do you know how much stuff we do based on what was important to our parents? I hear it frequently, “this is how my mother did it, my grandmother, and it’s how I do it.” We don’t have to carry on anything that does not serve us as a priority.

I believe one of the quickest ways to relapse or become triggered is by continually fueling those that need us and don’t feed us. If they don’t fuel you, if they don’t bring energy then they are not supporting your recovery. If you are fueling someone and they can’t in turn fuel you, it’s time to change the relationship. Anyone who’s been in group therapy knows it’s about supporting each other. We can love them, and accept them for where they are but we cannot invest in them or drag them on our path.

The value of recovery must be weighed all day. We must choose wisely what we expose ourselves to and what we chose to invest in because if it feels exhausting or triggers us, we need to evaluate it carefully. The cost of triggers and going backward is expensive. We’ve worked hard to get to this point and we won’t risk losing our investment by exposing ourselves to the unnecessary. Choose wisely and love yourself first!

While in Dallas I went to my online church in person and heard from T.D. Jakes son n law Toure Roberts. His message was called “Hidden Glory”. There were so many great nuggets in his message that I do not have enough space to highlight them all but I want to pass this part to those struggling.

The Bible is full of scriptures regarding we are over-comers. Just like animals, we can overcome obstacles. Obstacles that keep us worrying, stressing, depressed, and hurting. Those challenges are there to prove that you are an overcomer.

If a teacher teaches, the singer sings, the painter paints then the overcomer overcomes and it’s for God’s glory. Your struggle is not because you have sinned, it’s not because you are being punished, it’s to prove that you are an overcomer. It’s to prove that it is within you and to practice the faith that you will overcome it.

Faith is so important because it is the force that gives life, to every concept that we store in our mind. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

As I frequently say, suffering is necessary to obtain the awakening, the prize, and to practice faith so that we will overcome. But because we lack faith, belief, and patience we want instant gratification. Instant gratification dilutes the process. Processes give the glory! Even Jesus had a process. The process of being crucified gave God the glory.

The process is producing an outcome.
Sometimes the process will temporarily take you low so it can take you permanently high.

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

During the process, the glory is trapped by distractions, fear, ego, and trauma. But when we let go of distractions, fear, ego, and surrender to “I will do whatever and anything” to find the glory within us that’s when we find it.

I’m encouraging everyone suffering from whatever you are battling today to hang on and keep the faith. You are going through the process to test your faith, to reveal the glory in you to do what you were born to do and that’s to overcome because you are an overcomer.

I recently took a quick trip to Dallas for a baseball game and to attend The Potter’s House church. After a flight, and a hotel check-in, I made my way to the ball game. As I stepped off the complimentary trolley onto the massively crowded sidewalks and streets, I heard a sound that made me feel as if I had stepped back in time.

It was a voice standing on a street corner with a small PA system and a microphone so proudly clutched as the voice yelled into the crowds. As I stood on the street corner within proximity to him I could feel myself wanting to run from the voice. I could feel anxiety and anger in my body. It was a trigger. The trigger of religious trauma.

I fought the feeling and patiently waited for the Arlington police officer to allow me to cross the street as the voice became more intense. He yelled, “You’re a sinner, come to Christ now before you die and go to hell.” He continued screaming scriptures and pouring out any message that could potentially produce guilt and shame.

I finally crossed the street only to find his rival on the next corner. I quickly walked by him and felt a little compassion for him because he did not have one audience member or one soul saved. I felt his words fell on deaf ears.

Hours later after the ball game, the same two guys were there. This time I was more prepared and as I walked by with several hundred people, I heard a voice from my left scrutinizing, and criticizing harshly the guys on the corner. This 8th generation Texan was saying out loud exactly what I was thinking. As he glided up to me and walked with me, I noticed his young daughter on his shoulders. I looked up at her and could tell she was intently listening to every word her father and I said. She was taking in our religious trauma conversation.

I saw myself in that little girl. I was paying attention at her age too. I was giving attention to the voices that yelled and screamed fear, fire, and brimstone, hell is hot and I’m going if I don’t walk the straight and narrow. I spent the first twelve years of my life listening to that. Listening and believing it. Twelve years is a long time to listen to anything but do you know the impact it has on a child? Building a foundation of fear in children will never unlock their potential. It will only breed trauma and build walls to protect themselves.

They say journaling our gratitude will help you overcome, then let me write it and let me say it, I’m thankful I’ve overcome that fear. I’m thankful that I know that God is not a big scary white guy in the sky. I’m thankful to know that he is not a God of unjust, but a God of love and mercy. A God that never leaves us or forsakes us. A God that loves us so big that it’s hard to imagine the depth of love. I’m thankful I know that I’m not what the man on the street corner said I am. I may still have triggers from my trauma but I know God triumphs every trigger and every trauma.

Recovery is the process of unlearning the behaviors in childhood that really hurt us and to really learn how to self trust and build relationships that work on all the skills that go along with that. ~ The Love Fix Podcast

According to that statement, I’m in recovery. Maybe a lot of us are in recovery trying to unlearn the behaviors that we learned from our caretakers who had good intentions but lacked the knowledge and skills to do better.

While one is in recovery and healing from decades of trauma it’s only normal or natural to have bad days, to have triggers, to fall back into those patterns that for years we were experts in doing. It happens to the best of us, sometimes when we least expect it.

I had a “professional” the other day trigger me and I was shocked at how fast it happened. As I highlighted my story for the last couple of years in the window of about 5 minutes my point was to say how far I’ve come and how much I’ve accomplished. Before I could finish, she started telling me what I needed to work on, what I lacked, blah blah, blah. I say “blah, blah, blah” because, after her first couple of sentences downplaying my recovery, I did not hear anything she said. When I heard no more words coming out of her mouth, I said “thank you, have a good day.” and ended the call.

Giving constructive criticism to those in recovery can be an easy trigger. It shouldn’t matter how far we have come! If you’ve gone 1 day without a drink, I applaud you. If you’ve lost 5 lbs. I applaud you, if you’ve removed 1 toxic person from your life, I applaud you. Steps are steps no matter how small.

Nothing and I mean nothing happens overnight. If you build wealth that doesn’t happen overnight. If you go broke it’s not overnight. Losing and gaining weight is a real %^*#+ and it does not happen overnight. We must learn to congratulate ourselves and appreciate how far we have come. Loving ourselves so much that we can drown out the naysayers, and the critics so when they try to highjack our brain, all we hear is blah blah blah.

I recently watched Oprah Winfrey’s interview, with Viola Davis. It is a Netflix special that I highly recommend. If you are an empath, a compassionate person then have tissues. It is mind-blowing what she survived. I cannot wait to read her story.

Viola said so much that resonated with me. She said Happiness is a journey. She thought when she got this role or got that award or became bigger and better that she would be in “her happy place”. But what she’s learned after being one if not the best black actresses in Hollywood is that it’s not true. Climbing the ladder and getting to the top does not make you happier.

I believe climbing to the top and being the best often puts so much pressure on us to stay in that position and to fight devils on that level that we never imagined. When they say bigger is not better, I believe that.

We think if we can just get the account, just get the promotion, just get the house, the car, the perfect man or woman, we will be fulfilled and happy. We think that somehow this magic we dream about is going to change our life. Not true!

The magic comes when you enjoy where you are at the moment. If we are always chasing more then we miss where are present. We complain about aging but aren’t we the ones wishing our life away because we are chasing ideas that don’t and won’t fulfill us?

Let’s learn from those ahead on the path, from the successors who are less ego and more transparent about what it is like at the top. Let’s believe them and enjoy where we are on our path and quit believing that bigger is better and magic happens ahead on the journey. Embrace that happiness is a journey.

We must be careful not to burn bridges, especially those we have to cross back over to get where we need to go. If we burn the bridge that we think we don’t need, think again, we might need it sooner than we think.

A while back I reached out to one of my professional relationships for an appointment. I had been making appointments with them for many years. I called and left a voicemail, called again, and left a message with the receptionist. I called the contact directly twice and texted them all within 3 days and got no reply or response for an appointment.

I was a little butt hurt due to I didn’t feel they valued me as a customer enough to return my call, text, or give me an appointment. The old me would’ve stewed, brewed, and held that for a while. The new me allowed what it was because I couldn’t change it or control it and I moved on with full confidence that they had lost a loyal customer.

Those 3 days, I thought about the length of my service to them, my loyalty in supporting them through thick and thin while they struggled in business, my referrals, and the fact that I held them in high regard. I thought they needed me to cross to the other side but now that they are on the other side, the other side of being in a more comfortable and better place, they no longer need me as a bridge to cross over.

When people use you as a bridge, a stepping stone to get to the other side they never think they may need to come back. Take it from my personal experience, you can fall down a lot faster than you can climb up. If it took bridges and stones to get where you’re going then it will take bridges and stones to come back if you fail, don’t make it, need those people again. Folks don’t think that way. They think for the moment, the minute, and don’t ever think they will need you again.

I’ve done it! I’ve burned bridges, blown them up to ashes, and guess what I had to eat crow, apologize, crawl over broken glass and be humble to get back across the bridge. You don’t build bridges in a day. It will always cost you more to get a new bridge than it does to maintain one. I don’t care how big, famous, important, busy you become don’t blow up the bridge that you may need to cross back over one day. If that bridge helped you get to the other side be grateful enough to maintain it just in case you need to cross back over it again.

Have you ever been around someone who makes you question your reality? Do you find yourself questioning yourself? What did you hear, what did you see, what did you feel? If you say “yes” to any of these you may be a victim of gaslighting.

Gaslighting makes you question your reality. The objective of getting you to question your reality is so that the gaslighter can control you and/or the situation. They are power trippers who get their source of power by gaslighting others who are trusting, honest, vulnerable, open to constructive criticism, etc… Innocent, trustworthy people get trapped in relationships with these very toxic people.

I will share some of my experiences as examples so you can see if you resonate with them. I question or confront my narcissist, it may be as simple as “who called?” but because they don’t want me to know, they simply unplug. They may not answer me while staring at me blank face so that I am aware that they heard me or they may change the subject to something unrelated. They negate the situation.

If I say “but you said you were going to do this”, they will reply, “I know what I said” without giving any explanation or reason for not following through with their words. Or they may say, “I did not say that!” These responses make you question the reality of what you heard, what you believed. Because any “normal” non-toxic person would say “I’m sorry I’m not going to be able to follow through on what I told you.”

Anyone who dismisses your feelings or pain is gaslighting you. If you say “that hurt when you said that” and they reply, “you are a complainer, just like your girlfriends. All women complain!” That is labeling you and putting you in a category that is not true. It makes you question your perception of reality.

Gaslighters are controllers and people who want to be in control are competitive in their relationships. There’s certain competitiveness that breeds jealousy. And jealousy leads to cutting folks off so they can be first. They will run over anybody and everyone to be at the top. And when they step on others to be first, they will also be trying to distort their “competitors” reality so they cannot be first. They are essentially eliminating the competition. Make sense? The best way they think to win is to hit you in the knees as Tonya Harding did to Nancy Kerrigan.

If you resonate with any of what I’m saying I encourage you to first know you are not crazy. Your feelings and thoughts are real and matter. Next, find yourself a safe person to speak to about what is happening. Go to Human Resources, a therapist, a pastor, a best friend that you can confide in, and get help. Distorting your experience so that one may gain power is a game that you cannot win and you must know how to handle the situation safely.

The worst pain I’ve ever felt is the pain of false intimacy. Believing someone loves you and is loyal to you but then betrays you is game-changing pain. It will make you build walls and never trust again.

I’ve learned betrayal happens for many reasons. It happens for resentment, greed, anger and it sometimes happens because they agree with you.

Let me explain. Have you ever told someone something in confidence, it was a vault secret and they betrayed you by sharing your intimate information? Maybe they told the person, your spouse, your parents because they agree with you and they want the person to know but don’t have the courage to tell them so they will say “you said”.

I’ve experienced it and witnessed it. If I say “I think the pastor is long-winded.” They will agree and high-five me and then wait just a minute to go tell the pastor I said he was long-winded. Now I’m telling y’all when this happens and people betray you through false intimacy it’s because they do not dare to tell on themselves. People will look you straight in your face and say the most painful hurtful things to you saying someone else said it when the entire time they are thinking it too.

We must ask ourselves why is this person betraying us? Sometimes we gotta stay in our lane just a little while longer to find out the real deal. Is it because they lack courage and can’t speak into the mic themselves? Maybe they are like Judas and are greedy and will betray you over 30 pieces of silver. You know some folks will get loose lip, Lucy, for a good meal at Ruth’s Chris. Maybe it’s because they are resentful and have underlying anger and/or jealousy. I’m telling ya, getting that new car or shoes can cost you a relationship. Folks will betray you real fast if they are mad about your blessing.

Betrayal comes in many many forms so we must be careful when we share our opinions or thoughts. We must be careful what we share with others, even on social media. I know you’re excited about your blessing but the haters are not. We must remember that all kisses are not kisses of love. Judas kissed Jesus right before he betrayed him and crucified him.

Judging is so easy to do. But what happens when we judge a book by its cover and it backfires on us? We can miss opportunities. Maybe that’s why we shouldn’t judge.

Back around 1993, I was a car sales person. I was the first saleswoman in the car business in Nashville. I was young, naïve, and as green as a pea. I didn’t know shit from Shinola (that’s black shoe polish for you young people). It’s one of the times in my life that I was thankful to be young and “dumb” because I didn’t know any better to do better or have judgment.

One day a Mercedes sedan pulled up on the Mitsubishi lot. I remember it so clearly, it was black and has Illinois tags. There were two brothas in the vehicle. I had zero preconceived ideas or any judgment on why a Mercedes with Illinois tags would be on a Mitsubishi lot. But the veteran car salesmen judged that they were tire kickers, time wasters which equated to not a sale. As the lot lizards (car salesmen that hang around the lot) scattered inside and around corners to avoid waiting on the two men getting out, there I was left alone to greet them.

I did my job and greeted them with a smile and welcomed them. The men looked like an odd couple, one looked like a defensive lineman and the other like a professional basketball player. I still didn’t pass judgment or ask questions. I showed them the vehicle they were interested in and proceeded to sell them that vehicle.

Later I learned that one nonjudging moment, my green pea trusting landed me a sale that made me $9,000. It also made me salesperson of the month that month. If I had scattered and hid like the veterans did because I judged it, then I would’ve missed an ample opportunity.

Judging what we believe it is or might be can cost us. We pray for things but then are not willing to turn doorknobs to open doors because we judge it. Sometimes blessings come in disguise and it’s not always from people that look like you, believe like you, think like you. Be open to your blessings by judging less and trusting more. Have green pea trust!