The Snake Dream

Several weeks ago I had a nightmare. I usually don’t meditate much on dreams but this keeps occurring in my mind so I’ve decided to share it with you and what I believe is its meaning.

I’m wading in muddy creek water. The water is hitting somewhere between my mid-calf to knees. All of a sudden I see a bright green snake with a wide mouth. Almost as if it’s illustrated but it’s real in the dream. The snake sees me and I am panicked because I know if I turn my back to get out of the creek the snake will attack me. It’s then I see a large branch maybe about 6 to 8 feet long. I grab the floating branch as a weapon to protect myself from the snake. As I grab it and point it in the direction of the snake, the snake attacks it. Its viper-like teeth clench onto the branch and won’t let go. As I keep walking backward and backing up in the creek to find my way to land and a safe place, I can hear my intuition saying “If you’ll just let go of the branch, the snake will hold its grip while you make your way to safety.” I know it in my mind but my body cannot release the grip of the branch. It makes sense but my fear is too great to trust that if I let go I will be safe. And it’s then I woke up.

I know the dream could have multiple meanings but as I interpret it, I feel that the interpretation is that I need to let go of something I’m holding onto. I need to trust my intuition, my God-given central intelligence, and believe that I will be safe when I let go. I believe I need to understand that the attack is harmless and it’s only my fear that is standing in my way.

I need to trust that

“No weapon formed against you shall prosper,And every tongue which rises against you in judgment. You shall condemn.” Isaiah 54:17

Trust myself and have faith in God that I will make it to safety. I will make it to dry land. I will not fail, falter, drown, or be attacked.

Feeling disrespected or dismissed can be a particular kind of trigger for complex trauma survivors. – Use Your Damn Skills

Complex trauma survivors often have this complicated relationship with visibility.  On the one hand, many of us have learned over the course of our lives that to be seen isn’t particularly safe.  Many of us consequently go through adult life trying hard NOT to be seen.  It makes us anxious when attention is drawn to…
— Read on useyourdamnskills.com/2023/04/05/feeling-disrespected-or-dismissed-can-be-a-particular-kind-of-trigger-for-complex-trauma-survivors/

Same Old Same Old

I asked someone the other day, “How are you doing?” They replied “Same ol’ same ol’.” We’ve heard that reply or something similar at least one hundred times. I’ve said it and you probably have as well. But listen and watch what you say, “Same old same old” equates to nothing changing. And if nothing changes, it’s stale, it’s stagnant, it’s stuck, it’s boring.

I realized the other day that I’m coming up on a year of living in my new home. As I reflect and social media reminds me of “memories” I think about what I was doing this time last year. My life looked different. Nearly every aspect of my life has changed. My address has changed, my relationships have changed, my lifestyle habits have changed, my daily schedule has changed, and all that has changed confirms to me that my life is shifting. It’s not stagnant, stale, or boring and I’m not stuck.

We tend to get caught up in life and sometimes don’t stop to realize that our life is shifting. We get focused on who and what we lost instead of the shift of what’s coming. The losses we talk about look like this…”Why did he ghost me?” “That friend never connects with me anymore!” “I lost the account/sale.” “That customer didn’t tip me.” But why we are focused on “the loss” there is something else coming. There’s a change, a shift that’s happening and it’s so slow that we don’t feel it moving or see it happening.

And if we look back and nothing has changed..it is the same old same old with relationships, finances, and our lifestyle then we need encouragement to find out why we are in a stagnant season. Stagnant seasons sometimes mean the timing isn’t right but it could also mean we are stuck. We need to examine “Are we stuck or are we just waiting on the timing?”

I’ve been in stagnant seasons too because I was stuck in the past of what I lost, who I lost, stuck in my trauma from my childhood, stuck on who abandoned me, stuck on what who left me, stuck on the job I didn’t get, stuck on the issues that haunted me.

I pray and encourage everyone reading this to examine their life. Look back on this time last year, look at your social media memories, and reflect on where you are now versus where you were this time last year. Are you growing and is life shifting? Are you stuck or waiting on the right timing?

Expectation is the Root

One of the most challenging lessons I believe we keep repeating because we are not getting it is “Expectation”. Expectations are attachments to outcomes from people and things.

Every day I tell myself “Don’t expect” because I know if I expect then I have an attachment to how I want the outcome. And if the outcome isn’t how I envisioned it then it’s only my disappointment that I must endure.

And if you’re thinking I’m not a positive thinker then you are correct. I’m a hopeful reality thinker. Reality is knowing that we cannot change or control anyone or anything but ourselves. Reality is knowing that folks are not going to always live up to what we need.

“I can’t be frustrated by things I don’t expect.” ~ T.D. Jakes

Expectations can also lead to resentment. We go from expecting someone to fulfill our want, need, dream, or desire to disappointment because they did not fulfill it so now we are angry because they didn’t do as we expected them to do. And depending on our health level that anger can turn into bitter resentment and unforgivable behavior. 

Luke 6:35 “Love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return…”

There is also the controlling side of expectation. We are controlling the outcome and not allowing it to be bigger or better than our ceiling. If a man asks me to bring him a box to hold his million dollars cash, I’m going to bring him a box to hold 2 million or 10 million because I’m hoping he gets more cash. I’m not expecting that’s all the cash he has or will receive so I bring him a bigger box.

Hope attaches to faith. 

 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”  
Hebrews 11:1

We all need hope and to remain hopeful but release ourselves from expectations that will only lead to the root of our control issues, disappointments, heartbreaks, anger, and resentments.

The Reviews Are In

In February of 2022 when I applied for a scholarship at Enneagram Georgia I was so excited about the possibility of getting a scholarship. When I tell you I prayed, I prayed every day and I watched my email every day, all day to see if I was a recipient.

When I finally got the email, it was a Saturday morning in my bed. I thought I was going to tear my bed down from jumping on the bed with excitement. That’s how much I wanted it. And because I received it I knew it was a gift and gifts are not to be put aside, they are to be utilized and used to help others. I knew it was my responsibility to share it with others.

And that I did in January 2023. After graduating in November 2022 and receiving my certification in the Enneagram, I decided to put myself through an internship to learn more about each type by having sessions with every Enneatype. We can read and study all the text we want but hands-on experience is the real teacher.

I asked for help through friends and social media and found seven people who said they would support me in my efforts to learn, teach, and coach while I passed the gift to them to discover.

It’s been 3 months and I believe I’m safe to say we have all learned a lot. It’s been an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything. It’s helped me so much to learn about the following Enneatypes: One, Two, Three, Six, Seven, Eight, and Nine. I’m still searching for Four and Five.

Here are a few of the reviews on what the participants have said.

I am so appreciative of every review. It makes me so happy to know that the Enneagram gift has been passed and has helped others in their healing journey and answered lifelong questions.

They say you never forget the first dollar you ever made, well I’ll never forget these 7 participants that helped me plant my seeds to do what I feel is a calling in my life and that is to help others on their journey.

Thank you to all participants and their families for sharing them with me in the evening via Zoom.

I look forward to the next group of participants. If you have an interest in being a participant or questions about Enneagram sessions please reach out to me via social media or dealingtohealing@gmail.com.

Prayer for Abundance

My prayer today is that we can be open to a more abundant life. To accept the invitation of a higher power. A higher power that we can experience and know is real.

A God that can lead us to a higher purpose, an inner purpose that we can align with our outer purpose to help someone every day. I pray for the gift of discernment to know and be wise. To know that voice that speaks to us and speaks to us through others, to see signs that confirm the answers to our prayers.

I pray we nurture ourselves to have more compassion not just for ourselves but for others. May we have goodwill and grace for all. I pray we develop ourselves and be an example to others.

And as we nurture and develop ourselves I pray we let go of the past. The past pains that have caused us grief, wounds of abandonment, violence, racism, and emotional and sexual abuse. That we may be able to forgive others as God has forgiven us for all our transgressions. That we are free through forgiveness and that our life is renewed.

I pray we are free of judgments. That we judge not lest we be judged. Free us from judging ourselves and expectations of ourselves. We know that it’s our expectations that lead to our disappointments.

May we have faith and trust as you have commanded. I pray we have the faith of a mustard seed as we go through life. A life that brings us challenges of feeling hopeless and alone.

I pray we embrace the love that surrounds us. May we not take for granted those that love us unconditionally, our supporters, and those that guide us and lead us down our spiritual path. May we celebrate joy and share it with others.

I pray we find our voice and speak for those without a voice. May God use us to speak. That our silence is for only hearing and not to be mute for the injustices, the discriminations, and the great divide that we know does not exist because we are all connected souls and are one in the image of God.

God bring us peace and healing to our world. Help us to let go of control, judgment, guilt, shame, and anger. Help us heal from our grief, and pain of the past, and help us bring serenity, acceptance, and kindness to this world. This we claim in Jesus’ name! Amen.

My Religious Trauma

The following was written by Dr. Glennon Patrick Doyle. I have followed and “Liked” 99.9% of his posts but this one is the most relatable.

I spent the first 12 years of my life in an institution that met 3 times a week. They had a church sign which made me believe they were safe. But as a young child I never felt safe, I felt fearful. I was always scared in this institution which made me feel that I was never good enough. That I MUST follow their strict doctrine or I would burn in hell where “the flames are never quenched”.

I can remember all the drama that went along with that doctrine. There was always someone “not doing the right thing”. Someone let their child go mix bathing swimming, someone cut their hair, someone went to the movies. If it sounds like insanity, it was insanity. It was the strict doctrine of an apostolic church.

It seemed I was always explaining to someone why I did or did not do something that all related to the institution where God’s people met 3 times a week.

I look back and think of how I perceived religion and God and I still struggle with the trauma I experienced. I haven’t been in a church door other than going twice to T.D. Jakes’ church, The Potters House, in almost 20 years. The feeling of fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, and judgment is too much for my system.

But because of shutting the door on churches, I learned through my own experiences particularly my suffering what God was really like and he was nothing like I was taught those first 12 years of my life. It’s been my experiences that kept me hanging on to faith and believing in God.

It’s through my suicidal thoughts that he kept me alive, it’s through my abandonment of family and best friends that he proved to me that I was not alone, it’s through powerful moments that are unbelievable and often unexplainable that he has revealed himself to me. It’s why my faith is unshakable and I stand firm on what I believe because I have experienced it. It was not handed down to me by a man behind a pulpit reading a book and interpreting it to control a group of people.

I’m thankful to learn and know that my relationship with God has zero to do with religion or a church. And because of my religious trauma, I have compassion for those who question what they believe and who have claimed they are agnostic. Traumatic experiences in “safe institutions” will make you feel mixed up, especially when their words don’t match their actions which results in a lot of pain for those who enter believing they are safe with people who love and care for them but unfortunately find out the church door will close if we haven’t met their expectations.

I’m sorry that happened to me and you. We couldn’t escape it. It’s okay now, we are free to believe through our spiritual experiences what we know God to be to us.

Fight, flee, freeze, fawn, flop. – Use Your Damn Skills

Nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks, you know, I think I’m going to jump into the stratosphere at every moderately loud sound.  Nobody starts the day thinking, you know what, I think every single relationship in which I start to feel vulnerable, I’m going to scramble to get the hell out of there…
— Read on useyourdamnskills.com/2023/03/07/fight-flee-freeze-fawn-flop/

A Change Won’t Do You Good

Sheryl Crow did a song in the mid-90s called “A Change Would Do You Good.” I’m partial to the song even with the abstract lyrics, I’ve applied the course to my life many times.

Change is often good. Change is imperative if we want to grow in our environments, like from Blackberry phones to smartphones. Change is a must if we want to grow in our relationships. Remember we need to be better to do better. If we have compassion and love for ourselves then it will spill into our relationships.

Here’s the thing about change, it can only happen if we choose it. If we choose to stay with things of the past then we will stay with things of the past. But what happens when the past is a trauma that we know we inevitably need to change? It’s not that easy, in fact, it’s hard. Having someone encouraging us to change when all we feel is pure anxiety and fear to do it that way or this way is not going to get us to change. The only thing changing is our breathing while they are talking to us.

I believe it’s why there are so many hands-on learners in the world. We can watch you do something and see ourselves in that role much easier than you telling us how to do it. For those of us exposed to a narcissistic parent, partner, or both, we’ve been trained to do it another way, their way. We’ve been told to wear this, not that, say it this way, not that way, walk like this, not like that. The training of “Do as I say, not as I do.” And when we spend countless hours retraining ourselves, rewiring our brains, and breaking patterns then someone comes along to say “Do it like this, not like that”. If you know you know!

Talking ourselves down off the ladder of anxiety, panic, and fear, telling ourselves over and over again to breathe and this too shall pass all drowns out whatever anyone else is saying to us. We know we cannot allow anyone or anything to discard what we have accomplished in our healing. All those baby steps cannot be erased because one individual is telling us to do it “like this”.

So what do we do? We go back to our happy world of love and compassion for ourselves. We tell ourselves, “it’s MY healing journey and I am healing as I need to heal.” We don’t owe anyone an explanation for what we feel or think. We know fear is a liar and it’s not real but our old programming of over 50 years believes it’s real and is actively reacting to it. I think it’s the one time that we can safely say “A change will NOT do me good.”

Power of Prayer

I follow Stella Parton on Twitter, for those of you unfamiliar with the name, it’s Dolly’s sister. She recently tweeted asking her followers “Have you ever wondered if people who say they will be praying for you really are praying for you?”

I replied to her “Nope!” and with the scripture from Matthew 18:10. I’m not one for getting on social media and asking for the “prayer warriors” to pray. If that’s you then I’m not judging it. I’m for whatever works for you. For me, though I must know that the ones I ask will pray because I know they believe in the power of prayer.

The ones closest to me have heard me say over and over again these words. “When I’m on my dying bed, I don’t want just anyone in my room, over my bed, praying for me. I only want those who were there for me before I got sick, before my transition, the ones that truly loved me. Don’t bring anyone to my bedside that has abandoned me, that left me in my darkest times. They are only rushing to my bedside to ask me for forgiveness, to release their guilt and shame.” We must recognize and know who is really for us and who is against us. The power of discernment is real.

And the power of prayer is real but only if we do it from the heart, with our connected spirit of the divine, and with the intent to allow the will of the divine, not our will. And when we don’t have the words, God hears our cry. 

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Romans 8:26

I pray we have the power of discernment and know who loves us for us. That we know who is for us and against us. That we have a tribe of 2-3 that we can gather to ask for prayer when we have done all we can so we do what’s left and that’s surrender to the one greater than us. To allow his will, not ours, without attachment, with acceptance to know it’s all a plan that will work out for the greater good if we just believe with the faith of a mustard seed.