I wrote on Thursday, September 16 “A is for Abandonment as an Adult”. It hit a lot of you, got shared multiple times. I said I would write on it again but I did not expect this soon.

If you or someone you know is physically or emotionally abandoned as a child, your perception is that you are not important. You believe that you do not matter, your needs, your thoughts, your life does not matter. If you were a child in a single-parent home and your parent is gone all the time due to job(s), you are left with huge responsibilities. No child should have to have adult responsibilities. It robs children of their innocence, freedom, identity. Children can’t be free if they have adult responsibilities. Having a list of things to do, like turning off the stove, setting alarms, etc. Children made to be housekeepers are robbed of their childhood innocence. Children need to be free to play, do activities that other children do on the weekends, find their likes and passions. Chores and responsibilities are great but they did not come into this world to do child labor to meet parental needs. The child did not choose the parent. The parent(s) chose to have the child.

When a father emotionally abandons his daughter, here’s what is likely to happen. The father never tells the daughter that she is beautiful, smart, capable, never encourages her. The daughter becomes an adult or dating age and the first man that comes along and tells her that she’s beautiful, smart, encourages her and that she is capable, she follows that man. Because she is so emotionally starved. He may be a narcissist, toxic, he may not be “the one”, but because he has given her a few of her emotional needs, she picks him. I believe marriages do not work, and the divorce rate is so high, because of abandonment. Children that have been abandoned make bad choices in partners due to our emotional and physical needs that were neglected as a child.

To you abandoned child, it was not your fault, you couldn’t help that the parent left you, you did not do anything wrong or cause it. You were a victim based on adult needs and wants. I’m sorry that they hurt you, threw you into adulthood before you were able or capable of handling adult duties. You are now an independent, strong person. You have a lot of quality traits and you deserve to be loved, respected, and heard. Love yourself ❤️

I believe I’ve used up all my words this week. I have done a lot of talking but I’ve also done a lot of listening. Not just listening to business needs but listening to personal issues. I’ve met several people that have talked to me on a personal level. I’ve heard about bad breakups, a guy afraid to admit he’s gay, a parent worried about his children due to their mom is dying, a schizophrenic teen, one with daddy issues, one living at home with parents because life is just too expensive, one feeling like she didn’t fit in. I believe I’ve been the bartender of automotive this week. And you know, I’m good with it because, at the end of the day, they just want to be heard. They need to tell someone, they need to heal, they need to be assured they are gonna be okay. They all need the same thing and that’s emotional support. The relief on their face when they feel safe to say their stuff to me is priceless. I listen, I don’t judge, I encourage them, and assure them it’s going to be okay. It’s not hard to listen to people. They just want to be heard. We all want to be heard. We want to know we are important enough to be heard. If someone is comfortable enough to open up and talk to you and share their stuff, let them. You could be saving a life. Listen without judging and never use their stuff against them. That’s one way to get people to shut down is to take the information they give you and use it against them. Help someone heal today by letting them talk and feel heard.

I would like to share information and educate everyone from an adult’s perspective on what happens to a child that is abandoned. When a child no longer has their mother or father either physically or emotionally, it is not for that period that it affects the child. It continues to affect the child until the grave. When a parent leaves a child rather it’s divorce, death, or complete abandonment, the emotional issues are like a domino effect. If the parent is physically present but gone emotionally due to narcotics, work, or whatever the case, it has the same effect. Abandonment from your caregiver is so detrimental. It causes the adult to build walls and not be vulnerable. It causes supersensitivity, insecurities in your relationships, trouble trusting, jealousy, detachment, control issues, self-esteem issues, fear, depression, anxiety, and the list goes on. If you only have one or two of these issues as an adult or child, that’s a lot but most adults have more than two. Most have a long list. It’s a long list that causes trauma for decades. To those that have never had a caretaker abandoned you, you are blessed, lucky and you should give thanks. I encourage you to educate yourself on this subject because more than likely you’ll have a relationship in your lifetime with someone that’s been abandoned. You’ll need to know the possible issues in that relationship. To those who have been abandoned. I am so sorry! I understand your pain and your issues. I want to write more on this subject because in my opinion it’s not talked about enough. In the meantime and until next time, if you know of a child or adult that has been abandoned, please show compassion and grace. Love them as best you can. Please don’t be so quick to judge and understand their triggers if possible. Everyone is fighting a battle, you know nothing about.

Jealousy and envy are not words I identify with easily. I’m generally always happy for someone who has more than me or is doing better than me. I’ve always viewed it as I was fortunate to be their friend so they could share their blessing with me. So when I speak on this subject of being jealous, it’s not something I have personally overcome.

I have been a victim to those with jealousy issues. I’ve learned that people believe because you are the same age, type of job, or same circles that you are living in similar worlds. But when one person moves forward, it’s a game-changer.
Have you ever seen a group of barflies, that meet day after day, week after week for years, and then one day somebody is absent? One decides to stop drinking every day and to participate in other things such as his son’s football game, work, or a date night with his wife. When he makes better choices than a bar fly, he is improving his quality of life and the other flies are upset because he no longer joins in the group. I’ve seen it with football teams too. One player gets 15 plays and the other guy who plays the same position, gets fewer plays and he’s mad because he didn’t get the same or more plays. Instead of learning from the guy who is better and gets more plays, he quits the team. He’s jealous of the guy that is better than him or moved ahead of him. Neither guy is celebrated for being better. When one moves forward, when someone is doing better in life, making better choices, we should be happy for them. We should not be haters. If we want to change our life and receive blessings, let’s be happy for people. Let them share their blessing with you. Encourage, support, and learn from them.

If you’re reading this and you identify as a victim of people’s jealousy, I encourage you to not look back. I applaud you that you are not stuck, you are moving forward and you’re receiving blessings. Maybe it was easy for you or maybe you just made it look easy. Either way, I’d rather be thankful for the hell I don’t look like I’ve been through than to be stuck and jealous.

To those who know me personally, it may come as a shock to you that I’ve had my boundaries pushed my whole life. I’m not going to get into a deep dive on me but I will tell you this from the bottom of my heart and please believe me when I say, that you do not have to change, move, dissolve your boundaries for ANYBODY. This includes your mother, your spouse, your children, your best friend since childhood, or your boss. You do not have to compromise disrespect, your peace, your core values, any part of you to make someone else happy. You do not need to please others to be loved. Do not water down your pain, your grief so that others feel less guilty. This is not your issue! Your only concern is to love you. Take care of yourself because if you don’t, nobody else will either. Having boundaries earns respect, love, and honor. If they don’t respect, love and honor you, then let them go. Because what you allow will continue. You are not responsible for making others happy, keeping them at peace, or removing guilt. Protect your emotional health and set boundaries. Make them clear and do not waiver. Now pick up your crowns kings and queens and carry on! ❤️

Face value! The words I keep using and applying to people and situations. The definition means to accept someone or something just as it appears; to believe that the way things appear is the way they really are. I’m learning to stop asking why, or wondering. I’m learning to quit justifying or making excuses for people or situations. I find that using my energy for only things I can change or control, which generally narrows down to only my life is the best way to let things go. It’s exhausting to try to change people, just let them be. If they want to reach out, they will. If they say something you don’t understand. Don’t stay awake and wonder, ask them. Take them and situations exactly as they appear. We all know that we are not going to take a baked potato to a pizza by pushing a button. We are not going to do that with people or situations either. And like I told a friend of mine. If someone takes a dollar out of your cash register, accept it and act on it. If they will take a dollar the first time, they’ll take a five, ten, or twenty the next time. When they come back the next time, that’s on you. Accept they are a thief and quit making excuses for them or justifying their actions. I’ve always tried to see the best in people. I’m long-suffering and a believer in second chances but I’m learning, I’m applying and I am finding a lot more energy by believing that baked potatoes will never ever be pizzas.

Remember when we were children and we got dressed up for Halloween? I always looked forward to Halloween and trick or treating but I remember it was work. I remember working to put the costume together. Working to put the makeup on, keep the costume on and it was real work to keep the mask on. I was rather sweating underneath that cheap piece of plastic, held by a rubber string, which sometimes broke, or I was lifting the mask to breathe and see where I was going. I was miserable but I wanted the candy.

I think that is how we are as adults now. We wear a plastic mask that keeps us working. We are working to keep a mask on that portrays us different than what we are. We wear the mask to hide the traumas, the pains and hurts. The stories we can’t tell are hidden behind the mask. I know, it’s tiring to continually say “I’m ok” when you’re not ok. I know it’s a lie when you say “I’m fine”, but you’re not fine. It’s miserable to wear the mask every day. All for what? People that have the same or similar issues as you.

I know, I understand, I’ve been there and I’ve done that, still wear my mask some days. I got tired of working to keep a mask on to hide my issues, the same or similar issues that you have, that so many others have. Masking problems doesn’t solve them. Covering wounds does not allow healing. When you get tired of working, not being able to breathe and not being able to see, you’ll take your mask off and you’ll find others that have taken their mask off too. Everyone is fighting different devils on different levels. It’s ok, not to be ok! You can take your mask off now to breathe.

If you have read my Dealing to Healing story, you may remember the quote from my therapist “I share your excitement. Your whole life has prepared you for your Dealing to Healing project. Very much looking forward to hearing all. With love, respect, and many blessings, your favorite shrink.” If you noticed she used the word project. If you’ve seen my YouTube video, you’ve heard the word project. I purposely have used that word because I don’t want to call Dealing to Healing, just a website, a blog, a social media platform. I’m not going to label anything that I’m not sure what it is going to be. I’m trusting God will take it where I need to be and allowing it to unfold organically. It’s been suggested that I write a book, that I move forward in other avenues. While I’m honored and appreciate all suggestions, I want to be still until I know that it is definitely in the plan. We can make all the plans we want in life but things can change in a snap. What you plan, what you dream, what you want, may not be the direction of steps ordered. I believe often we get ahead of the flow by labeling things, trying to direct it or redirect it, and not leaving room for more. I think about how many times I’ve labeled something, settled for what I thought I deserved but it could’ve been so much more. It’s a lesson that I don’t want to repeat. I believe in planning, and preparing but if life throws us a curve, know that it was for our protection, for our good. Sometimes it’s not a stop sign, sometimes it’s just a speed bump. Allow it and trust God with your whole heart. You’ll find out it will be better than you could ever plan or dream.