When I came back to Atlanta in 2020 to work for an international company. I thought it was my dream job. I had applied multiple times and was on top of the world to get an opportunity with them. Within weeks of working for my “dream” company, I started having full-blown panic attacks. I’d never had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, my arm went numb from shoulder to fingertips, I was nauseated, crying uncontrollably, all while trying to manage in a virtual room of 60 plus teammates. It was confusing to me. I didn’t know what was happening or why it was happening. It took me leaving to figure out, that it was the style of management. I was consistently being told what I was doing wrong more than what I was doing right. Maybe that works for some who love constructive criticism to get better, I’m happy that works for you. For those of us who were raised in fear-based homes, fear-based church doctrines, and/or narcissist parents that does not work. When you try really hard and you’re still “screwing it up”, that just won’t work for us. Many of us give 110% on everything. We are people pleasers, we believe in the power of customer service, give us a job and we want to make sure we do it right and all we want is a “thank you”, an acknowledgment and a smile is a bonus because that’s all we ever wanted but never got in life. When we are told, “you could’ve, you should’ve, I wish you would’ve” that is too much for us.

I’m telling my story for those who relate. To you having panic attacks, trouble with stress and anxiety, diagnose yourself by checking your energy around people. If it’s job-related, family-related, friend related, figure it out and make a change. Nobody should be having panic attacks over being told they are not doing it right or they need to do it better. Life is too short to be stressed out over someone else not being happy with you! Remember too that some just can’t say “Good job!” Lord no, don’t say that, we might get complacent or worse, apply for the manager’s position. “Monday Blues” is real and big hugs to all that are dealing with that now. Check your energy, figure it out, ask for strength and guidance to find your place where you’re appreciated and loved. Love yourself ❤️

Healing is messy and healing from trauma is messier. When we carry pain for years, decades, since childhood, over a loss of a parent including abandonment it’s painful. Grieving over abuse, no matter if it’s physical, emotional, or sexual, it’s all traumatic. Grieving over childhood trauma from generational curses is so painful. If you take all that on top of life, job losses, divorce/breakups, your kid’s stuff, your health issues, your finances, anxiety, depression, and the long list of stuff we have that keeps us up at night. It’s our stuff and it just makes healing really messy.

As we start to deal with our stuff, and we start to heal, it’s important that we have the right tools in our toolbox. Make sure we have the following in our toolbox.

The best therapist that your money can buy. Find your person and keep them like your life depends on it because it does.

A supportive partner. They need to be on board with your healing. And hold your hand through it all.

A great support system aka tribe. You need your friends that love you on the days you are up, down, trying to figure out how to breathe.
1 or 2 friends you can always call to get you through the tough days. In turn, you take their call. That’s the trade-off.

Things that make your senses happy. Your favorite material like a blanket, shirt, or pants. A candle, a bubble bath that makes your nose happy. Maybe it’s your favorite songs that just make your ears happy. And then everyone can find their favorite food. Making the senses happy during bad, messy days can be a savior.

Prayer and meditation. Pray for strength and hope. Write down something you’re thankful for in a journal. There’s always something to be thankful for in life. Those are the things we need in our toolboxes.

Things we do not need while healing, especially on bad days, are as follows:

You don’t need negative. Negative talk, naysayers, Debbie downers, or Negative Nancy’s. It’s easier to go down than to go up. Don’t let them pull you down.

Find the “Do Not Disturb” button on your phone or at least the “Ringer off” button. The phone is for you, not for others.

Stay off social media. You’ll just start comparing your real-life stuff with everyone’s fake stuff.

Always monitor your energy. If it doesn’t feel good don’t do it. Everything and everyone can wait. Fill your brain with motivational quotes, podcasts, sermons, read self-help books. We are as we think. If we fill our brain with nonsense and foolish things then we are just avoiding moving forward.

It’s tough and messy but we can do it. One baby step, one day at a time. Take care of yourself! ❤️

First I’d like to share that if you are trying to heal and recover from trauma, Dr. Glenn Doyle is my virtual doc. He says exactly how I feel and what I need to hear. I’ll tag him on social media for you.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been told, heard, and felt I needed to continue writing the book that I started in April 2019. I started it shortly after the pandemic started and stopped it when I moved back to Atlanta. I stopped it because of excuses. I would say “Who’s gonna buy it and why?” “How is it different than the next memoir?” I doubted myself due to those inner child wounds. But after much prayer, opening my eyes and ears for signs, I’ve started back. And this quote was just one more confirmation for me. Who cares if I’m not a master writer, or that I didn’t major in journalism. Why should I care if it’s a best seller or in a bargain bin? It’s my stuff and it’s what I like, it’s what motivates me and it’s cathartic and it’s healing and YEAH I should do it!

And that’s what I’m telling you. Who cares if you are not good at it. You don’t have to be a master or a first-place winner to do what you like to do. And let me tell you that with some sauce on it, if you enjoy doing something and someone is a naysayer, let’em go! As my mother would say, I don’t care if “you can’t carry a tune in a bucket.” Sing anyway! Play anyway! If it makes you happy and brings you joy, GO. FOR. IT! You do not need anyone’s approval to do you. Life is short. Do what you like and love yourself! ❤️

I’ve been writing consistently for over a year now. If you’ve read my Dealing to Healing story, you know I started with #SundaySermon on Sundays. I thought you might enjoy a throwback on Thursday. This one is one of my favorites.

Confession… I just recently listened to my first Podcast. I listened to an interview with Jane Fonda. She was asked why she left billionaire Ted Turner. To paraphrase and sum it up she said… Ted had childhood demons like all of us. She said however while Ted wanted to remain horizontal, she wanted to be vertical. She meant that she needed to grow and she just couldn’t stay and be in a stagnant state.
I so felt that in my soul! It just confirms that no matter who you are, how much money or power you have, or the title you possess that continuing to grow is your job. If you grow away from relationships, so be it. You can’t stay just because they don’t want to grow. Walking away is not because of them. It’s for you! It’s imperative that you love yourself more than others. Not in a narcissistic way but in a way that you become better to serve those around you and being the best human you can be. So note to self…if someone just wants to be horizontal and comfortable while you want to be vertical and grow, it’s ok. Do you boo! ❤️ #SundaySermon

Yesterday I gave 4 red flags 🚩 on a narcissist. It stirred and resonated with several of you. So today I’m giving you what I believe is the most damaging trait of a narcissist, the silent treatment.

The silent treatment occurs when they are not in agreement with you. If they don’t like something you said, something you did, you breathed heavy during a conversation with them, they will go silent on you and stay silent on you.

The silent treatment looks like this. You can text, no reply. You can call, no answer. You can knock on the door, no response. This can go on for days, weeks and months. In the meantime you don’t know what is wrong, or what you did and are not given any reason. Do you know how painful that is to have someone just totally ignore you. It’s ghosting on bionics.

True story…I know parents that have given their children the silent treatment. I know siblings that give their siblings the silent treatment. I’ve known it to go on for years. It’s emotionally painful and traumatizing for the victim.

And when the narc decides to reply, talk, open the door again, they will act as nothing happened. They will not address it or if they do address it, they will gaslight it and blame you. My personal experiences have been from silence to nothing happened to gifts.

If you have a relationship with a narcissist parent, partner, or sibling and they go silent. LET THEM! Do not contact them and beg, blow up the phone or knock the door down. It just gives them supply. Let it be and don’t give them supply, which is control by making you crazy. I’m sorry I know it’s really painful but don’t do it. Stay strong! ❤️

I’ve only written about narcissists 3 times since I started blogging. I avoid it for several reasons but one of those is many do not truly understand the red flags, warning signs and traits. And although I want to educate and lights to come on, I am not a professional, a psychologist or counselor so I can only tell you from my experiences. I’m not going to tell you that your partner/parent is a narcissist based on my personal experiences. I will tell you that my experiences include a narcissist parent and a long term narcissist relationship which gives me over 50 years of experience. If I’m applying for a job based on my resume, I’m getting it due to my experience.

Here are some red flags you need to consider to find out if your partner is a narcissist.

🚩 You’re walking on eggshells – trying to keep the peace; spending energy to avoid what will set them off

🚩They lie – exaggerate and embellish stories to make you jealous, to build their image. Make promises with no intention of keeping them. Always an excuse or an alibi.

🚩 They’re addicts – they will have an addiction. Alcohol, narcotics, porn, sex, and often more than one. And note they will be a functioning addict. This is because the image is everything to them. They can’t be seen as a drunk or having an issue.

🚩 You are ONLY an extension of them. It’s their schedule, what they want, when they want it, how they want it, where they want it. They are controlling and it’s not always obvious. It’s a silent expectation.

The narcissist is what I call a large elephant and the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. You’ve got 4 bites to chew on until next time.

🚩One VERY IMPORTANT note! Do not confront, ask or question someone you may think is a narcissist. They can be extremely dangerous and that should only be handled by your professional.

For decades I knew I had a magnet on me for addicts. I can go down the list workaholic, pothead, alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, narcissist. I thought I was a “fixer”. As an empath and helper, I just knew I could help them get better. Nope! Wrong! Stop! Don’t even waste your time. You cannot get anybody better. They must want to get better. Period!

As I told a friend the other day. I’m not here to “fix” anybody with my stories. I’m here to turn the light on. If my story resonates with someone and the light comes on then they control the dimmer switch. It’s up to them how bright they want it to be. Digging up old wounds is just downright painful. It’s hard to heal from our stuff. Emotional healing takes longer and is more painful than physical. If you break your leg and are in a cast, people are nice to you. They will open doors, assist you with your crutches, strangers will ask if you need assistance. Not so much the same when you are trying to heal from trauma and emotional pain. Because we don’t wear a t-shirt and hat naming our stuff. Nobody knows the hell you’re going through or went through.

It’s up to each individual to choose to get better. As I was told in therapy “nobody is coming to save you.” Each one of us controls our dimmer switch. I’ve had mine on since 2009. Yes! I’ve been in crazy school aka therapy with my shrink, (the fun word) since 2009. I’ve turned it up bright at times when I got sick and tired of a situation. I’ve healed from a lot but I still have a long road ahead.

You can learn to fly again. You may crawl, walk and run first but you can do it. You have the power to gather information, to apply it, to open your eyes for signs, and follow your intuition. Meditate and pray for strength, peace, and guidance. And never give up! They’re all just speed bumps, not roadblocks. You’re okay and you’re going to be okay. Love yourself! ❤️

I have at least one person ask me weekly, “how are you so transparent?“ They say it in awe. Like they can’t comprehend it. I explain it like this. There are a few things, I’ve suppressed my stuff for decades. I’ve been transparent about my “fake life” but not my real life. Ya know that stuff that you carry to your pillow, that only God knows, that pains you so deeply that you can’t talk about it. That stuff, we all got. The stuff we keep suppressing and making us sick. Sick with anxiety, depression, fear, anger, resentment, etc… Much like when we are sick with food poisoning, we try not to vomit, we talk ourselves out of throwing up, we lie down, we swallow hard, we breathe, and try like everything not to puke our guts up. The entire time we are doing all this, we know that we will feel better when we release the bad stuff we have digested. That’s how our trauma, our mental health works, suppressing it does not make us better. We can say we are ok, we can fake it, we can push it out of our head and avoid it but it doesn’t make us better. It doesn’t matter if you write it, say it, or confess it, you will feel better letting it out.

Next, desperate people do desperate things. I’ve said that for years. It’s true when you get to the end of your rope with your life, there’s only one choice, make a change. A change for the better. Leaving this crazy world is not an option. You may think you’re not loved, nobody cares but that’s not true. That’s the pain, the trauma, the grief telling you that. I know because depression speaks volumes. Depression will take you out if you let it. I refused to let it.

I decided to do the only thing left and that was to ask God to remove my pain and reveal my purpose. Once you know your purpose, your calling and you know your path, you look at everything differently. I was so distraught with my past that I decided that it was not what I was running to but what I was running from. I was sick, tired, and desperate. To you that are sick of your life. The life that others have molded you to be and not your authentic self. If this resonates with you then you understand everything I just said. Letting the past go, changing to your authentic self, and knowing your purpose is the best thing that will ever happen in your life. And that’s how you become so transparent.