I wish my younger self had known this quote 20, 30 years ago. If only I had told those people to sail on down the line who said “that’s your mother, that’s your sister, that’s your employer, that’s your friend”. If I had just not let those people shame and guilt me into letting the toxic ones stay in my life. Wow! My life would’ve turned out different. Although, I wouldn’t have my story today for someone else’s survival guide. Which I am grateful for my purpose.

If what I am saying resonates with you, you’re made to feel guilty about keeping someone in your life and they are toxic. Which means they cause you pain and stress. It doesn’t matter who they are, you have permission to remove them.

And ask for the replacements. God has sent me friends that are better than my toxic family and friends. When I say better I mean they invite me over for holidays, check on me, support me emotionally, accept me for who I am, every bit of my good and bad. But you must keep your eyes wide open and watch for the replacements. I’ve met my replacements at different jobs, at restaurants, the Goodwill, one was a former employer.

If you are serious about healing and having a better quality of life. This is a must in your toolbox. Remove the toxics and love yourself. ❤️

This might be a deep dive for some but I want to turn on a light to everyone. When you are born to a parent that is a narcissist, you many times become codependent because you never have a choice not to pour into that parent. Because you are wanting to be accepted and loved, you give more, do more and throw yourself to try to get acceptance. In many cases, a child takes on a caretaker role for their parents or siblings, often due to neglect or abuse, this is called parentification. Unless you break the relationship with the parent, you will be in this role most likely until one of you dies.

Next as a child and an adult child of a narcissist, you have zero identity. You are only an extension of them. Your image reflects them. Your wants, needs, desires, revolves around them, which bonds the codependency more.

When that parent dies, it’s more than just a parent dying. The adult child has to rebuild their life. They have to find their identity, find what they think, feel, and need. Can you imagine being an adult and asking yourself what you like? These are things we do with babies. We put out all the different types of baby food to see what they like and what they don’t like. We give different types of toys with colors and noise to see what they are attracted to and what makes them happy. This is not the norm for children born to parents that are narcissists.

One more thing, when you grow up in certain conditions, no matter how unhealthy, abusive, dysfunctional it may be, it’s what you become accustomed to for your life. People that have only gone to the lake and never to the ocean don’t know the difference or what they are missing. It’s the norm for them to see a beautiful body of water with limits and they cannot imagine an ocean. And what we get accustomed to is what we often want and attract. You cannot break a pattern if you don’t know it’s a pattern. You cannot be aware if you’re not open to awareness. So many times the adult child attracts narcissists as partners. Why not? It’s the norm, it feels right, nothing unusual about it.

So to those who say, “her picker is bad”, don’t judge her, you don’t know her story. And to you saying, “I keep attracting narcissists.” It may be because this is normal for you. You cannot break patterns until you bring awareness. Hope this helped someone today.

Remember in school, you’d get your test back and you’d miss certain ones, or worse you made a bad grade? And you’d sit agonizing over it, looking around to see if anyone else missed the same questions or made a bad grade. And nobody wanted to say anything. Nobody wanted to be the first to say, “I missed the questions” or “I got a 70”. Then some rebel, someone who just had nothing to lose would say, “I got a 70!” Then everyone else would join in and say their grade. And soon we all felt better because we knew we were not alone. That’s how life is now. Nobody wants to feel like they were the only one that got emotionally or physically abandoned. We want to know that we were not the only one that got blinded by a narcissist or had a narcissist parent. We want to know that someone else had it just as bad as us. All of us are searching silently for others like us. We take comfort in knowing that someone else gets us. And I’m that person yelling it all out. I have nothing to lose. I just want everyone to know they are not alone. I want to know that I am not alone. And I know that I’m not alone, I see you in my direct messages. I know it’s hard to comment publicly or hit the “like” button because you’re just not ready to be that open. It’s okay! I will tell you that so many of you are saying the same thing to me in private so who knows who you might be helping if you comment on the post. Yes! We are all dealing while we are healing. I’ve learned that even the kids that look smart have something they are dealing with in life. My prayer is that you know you’re not alone. That you don’t have to look around and wonder who else is struggling. You are not the only one! Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone either. Love to all! ❤️

When I came back to Atlanta in 2020 to work for an international company. I thought it was my dream job. I had applied multiple times and was on top of the world to get an opportunity with them. Within weeks of working for my “dream” company, I started having full-blown panic attacks. I’d never had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, my arm went numb from shoulder to fingertips, I was nauseated, crying uncontrollably, all while trying to manage in a virtual room of 60 plus teammates. It was confusing to me. I didn’t know what was happening or why it was happening. It took me leaving to figure out, that it was the style of management. I was consistently being told what I was doing wrong more than what I was doing right. Maybe that works for some who love constructive criticism to get better, I’m happy that works for you. For those of us who were raised in fear-based homes, fear-based church doctrines, and/or narcissist parents that does not work. When you try really hard and you’re still “screwing it up”, that just won’t work for us. Many of us give 110% on everything. We are people pleasers, we believe in the power of customer service, give us a job and we want to make sure we do it right and all we want is a “thank you”, an acknowledgment and a smile is a bonus because that’s all we ever wanted but never got in life. When we are told, “you could’ve, you should’ve, I wish you would’ve” that is too much for us.

I’m telling my story for those who relate. To you having panic attacks, trouble with stress and anxiety, diagnose yourself by checking your energy around people. If it’s job-related, family-related, friend related, figure it out and make a change. Nobody should be having panic attacks over being told they are not doing it right or they need to do it better. Life is too short to be stressed out over someone else not being happy with you! Remember too that some just can’t say “Good job!” Lord no, don’t say that, we might get complacent or worse, apply for the manager’s position. “Monday Blues” is real and big hugs to all that are dealing with that now. Check your energy, figure it out, ask for strength and guidance to find your place where you’re appreciated and loved. Love yourself ❤️

Healing is messy and healing from trauma is messier. When we carry pain for years, decades, since childhood, over a loss of a parent including abandonment it’s painful. Grieving over abuse, no matter if it’s physical, emotional, or sexual, it’s all traumatic. Grieving over childhood trauma from generational curses is so painful. If you take all that on top of life, job losses, divorce/breakups, your kid’s stuff, your health issues, your finances, anxiety, depression, and the long list of stuff we have that keeps us up at night. It’s our stuff and it just makes healing really messy.

As we start to deal with our stuff, and we start to heal, it’s important that we have the right tools in our toolbox. Make sure we have the following in our toolbox.

The best therapist that your money can buy. Find your person and keep them like your life depends on it because it does.

A supportive partner. They need to be on board with your healing. And hold your hand through it all.

A great support system aka tribe. You need your friends that love you on the days you are up, down, trying to figure out how to breathe.
1 or 2 friends you can always call to get you through the tough days. In turn, you take their call. That’s the trade-off.

Things that make your senses happy. Your favorite material like a blanket, shirt, or pants. A candle, a bubble bath that makes your nose happy. Maybe it’s your favorite songs that just make your ears happy. And then everyone can find their favorite food. Making the senses happy during bad, messy days can be a savior.

Prayer and meditation. Pray for strength and hope. Write down something you’re thankful for in a journal. There’s always something to be thankful for in life. Those are the things we need in our toolboxes.

Things we do not need while healing, especially on bad days, are as follows:

You don’t need negative. Negative talk, naysayers, Debbie downers, or Negative Nancy’s. It’s easier to go down than to go up. Don’t let them pull you down.

Find the “Do Not Disturb” button on your phone or at least the “Ringer off” button. The phone is for you, not for others.

Stay off social media. You’ll just start comparing your real-life stuff with everyone’s fake stuff.

Always monitor your energy. If it doesn’t feel good don’t do it. Everything and everyone can wait. Fill your brain with motivational quotes, podcasts, sermons, read self-help books. We are as we think. If we fill our brain with nonsense and foolish things then we are just avoiding moving forward.

It’s tough and messy but we can do it. One baby step, one day at a time. Take care of yourself! ❤️

First I’d like to share that if you are trying to heal and recover from trauma, Dr. Glenn Doyle is my virtual doc. He says exactly how I feel and what I need to hear. I’ll tag him on social media for you.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been told, heard, and felt I needed to continue writing the book that I started in April 2019. I started it shortly after the pandemic started and stopped it when I moved back to Atlanta. I stopped it because of excuses. I would say “Who’s gonna buy it and why?” “How is it different than the next memoir?” I doubted myself due to those inner child wounds. But after much prayer, opening my eyes and ears for signs, I’ve started back. And this quote was just one more confirmation for me. Who cares if I’m not a master writer, or that I didn’t major in journalism. Why should I care if it’s a best seller or in a bargain bin? It’s my stuff and it’s what I like, it’s what motivates me and it’s cathartic and it’s healing and YEAH I should do it!

And that’s what I’m telling you. Who cares if you are not good at it. You don’t have to be a master or a first-place winner to do what you like to do. And let me tell you that with some sauce on it, if you enjoy doing something and someone is a naysayer, let’em go! As my mother would say, I don’t care if “you can’t carry a tune in a bucket.” Sing anyway! Play anyway! If it makes you happy and brings you joy, GO. FOR. IT! You do not need anyone’s approval to do you. Life is short. Do what you like and love yourself! ❤️

I’ve been writing consistently for over a year now. If you’ve read my Dealing to Healing story, you know I started with #SundaySermon on Sundays. I thought you might enjoy a throwback on Thursday. This one is one of my favorites.

Confession… I just recently listened to my first Podcast. I listened to an interview with Jane Fonda. She was asked why she left billionaire Ted Turner. To paraphrase and sum it up she said… Ted had childhood demons like all of us. She said however while Ted wanted to remain horizontal, she wanted to be vertical. She meant that she needed to grow and she just couldn’t stay and be in a stagnant state.
I so felt that in my soul! It just confirms that no matter who you are, how much money or power you have, or the title you possess that continuing to grow is your job. If you grow away from relationships, so be it. You can’t stay just because they don’t want to grow. Walking away is not because of them. It’s for you! It’s imperative that you love yourself more than others. Not in a narcissistic way but in a way that you become better to serve those around you and being the best human you can be. So note to self…if someone just wants to be horizontal and comfortable while you want to be vertical and grow, it’s ok. Do you boo! ❤️ #SundaySermon

Yesterday I gave 4 red flags 🚩 on a narcissist. It stirred and resonated with several of you. So today I’m giving you what I believe is the most damaging trait of a narcissist, the silent treatment.

The silent treatment occurs when they are not in agreement with you. If they don’t like something you said, something you did, you breathed heavy during a conversation with them, they will go silent on you and stay silent on you.

The silent treatment looks like this. You can text, no reply. You can call, no answer. You can knock on the door, no response. This can go on for days, weeks and months. In the meantime you don’t know what is wrong, or what you did and are not given any reason. Do you know how painful that is to have someone just totally ignore you. It’s ghosting on bionics.

True story…I know parents that have given their children the silent treatment. I know siblings that give their siblings the silent treatment. I’ve known it to go on for years. It’s emotionally painful and traumatizing for the victim.

And when the narc decides to reply, talk, open the door again, they will act as nothing happened. They will not address it or if they do address it, they will gaslight it and blame you. My personal experiences have been from silence to nothing happened to gifts.

If you have a relationship with a narcissist parent, partner, or sibling and they go silent. LET THEM! Do not contact them and beg, blow up the phone or knock the door down. It just gives them supply. Let it be and don’t give them supply, which is control by making you crazy. I’m sorry I know it’s really painful but don’t do it. Stay strong! ❤️

I’ve only written about narcissists 3 times since I started blogging. I avoid it for several reasons but one of those is many do not truly understand the red flags, warning signs and traits. And although I want to educate and lights to come on, I am not a professional, a psychologist or counselor so I can only tell you from my experiences. I’m not going to tell you that your partner/parent is a narcissist based on my personal experiences. I will tell you that my experiences include a narcissist parent and a long term narcissist relationship which gives me over 50 years of experience. If I’m applying for a job based on my resume, I’m getting it due to my experience.

Here are some red flags you need to consider to find out if your partner is a narcissist.

🚩 You’re walking on eggshells – trying to keep the peace; spending energy to avoid what will set them off

🚩They lie – exaggerate and embellish stories to make you jealous, to build their image. Make promises with no intention of keeping them. Always an excuse or an alibi.

🚩 They’re addicts – they will have an addiction. Alcohol, narcotics, porn, sex, and often more than one. And note they will be a functioning addict. This is because the image is everything to them. They can’t be seen as a drunk or having an issue.

🚩 You are ONLY an extension of them. It’s their schedule, what they want, when they want it, how they want it, where they want it. They are controlling and it’s not always obvious. It’s a silent expectation.

The narcissist is what I call a large elephant and the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. You’ve got 4 bites to chew on until next time.

🚩One VERY IMPORTANT note! Do not confront, ask or question someone you may think is a narcissist. They can be extremely dangerous and that should only be handled by your professional.