I hope all that celebrate Thanksgiving had a happy one. I did some traveling amongst friends in my hometown. One of my stops was seeing an old friend from high school. Her young granddaughter who she raises was right up in our adult conversation. As my friend described her granddaughter’s multiple foot surgeries due to her foot being turned when she was born, I intently listened and then told her granddaughter that she was blessed. Her granddaughter replied, “What’s blessed?” And my friend said it best, “It means you have a very good life.”

I thought about that conversation multiple times and I thought about my friend’s words. I believe so many adults don’t know what blessed is either. They know the word but do they truly believe they have a blessed life? I know those in perfect health but yet they still complain about going to the gym or working out. Many wish they could run or work out but are not able to due to their health. I know folks that make a million dollars a year and some of the most miserable people I know because they realize that money can’t buy happiness and what they want money can’t buy. I could go on and on about what we don’t appreciate and most of us have a really good life.

Let’s not only know the word blessed, let’s know the meaning and be happy for your haves and don’t complain about the have nots. Many times those have nots don’t make your good life better.

I watched the 20/20 Special the other night with Diane Sawyer interviewing the young women from the House of Horrors. You may recall the couple in California that had 13 children and had them chained, locked up, starving for decades? The parents got life in prison which is still not enough punishment in my opinion.

As the story opened the couple was described as church members, they were strict faith-based, Pentecostal. A church that’s too familiar with me. They used church teachings to raise their children and discipline them. The children were not allowed to do multiple normal things and if they didn’t obey their mother and father they could kill them per scripture.

The parents were going to church on Sundays and during the week slamming their children against the wall, choking and starving them, chaining them up, and not bathing them for a year. It was heartbreaking and it resonated deeply with me.

They were narcissists, the mother was diagnosed with NPD and the father was at minimum a narcissist or maybe sociopath. It terrifies me to see 2 different sides of people. It’s a real-life Jekyll and Hyde. It’s not surprising to me since I saw many Jekyll and Hyde’s growing up in church. I grew up in a strict faith-based church and I saw one person at home and another in the church. The church kept everyone in line by shaming and guilting them with scripture. I thought God stayed mad at all of us. Nobody told me he was full of love and grace. And to this day, I still don’t understand how “Christians” can say slanderous and hurtful things about anyone while going to church and holding a bible. I believe that the scripture that speaks of “beware of false prophets that come to you in sheep’s clothing but are inwardly they are ravening wolves.” is depicting narcissists. Here’s the description:

Signs That Someone Is a Wolf in Disguise

1. They live to take power instead of empowering others. …
2. Wolves seem sweet on the outside, but they’ll show you their teeth. …
3. They manipulate through emotions to get what they want. …
4. A wolf will charm you first. …
5. Their stories are full of holes.

As I blogged yesterday, let’s be aware of people’s words and actions matching and energy over everything. Let’s not get fooled by a wolf in sheep’s clothing holding a Bible in their hand and a knife in the other. What do they say now, “stay woke”.

The old me hung onto every word that just about anybody told me. I believed every time someone said they loved me, complimented me, said they were supporting me. I trusted their words, didn’t watch for the action or lack of one, and dismissed my energy.

The new me is not so much a listener. I’m now a watcher and a feeler. I’m watching if your words match your actions. I’m trusting my energy that says “lies”, “fake”, “ulterior motives”, “jealous”, “hater “ and “don’t trust it”. I’m feeling their energy over their words. I am also watching for red flags 🚩. I am the red flag 🚩 police now. I’m not giving tickets or citations but just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I am not aware.

We have to be aware of people’s energy, especially those closest to us. We just can’t believe everyone that says they love us. Some folks only say they love us so they can love to hate on us behind our backs. We must pay attention to those backhanded compliments. Jealousy rears its ugly head when one moves forward and exudes confidence in their path. But we don’t apologize for the confidence because when you know, you know, and nobody can break you.

I believe an individual is only as good as the support they receive. If you’re never supported and cheered for your successes and accomplishments then it’s very easy to slip down the slippery slope of going backward. I’m talking to anyone on a recovery path. If you’ve turned over a new leaf, rather you’ve quit substance abuse, left a domestic situation, cut toxic relationships, went no contact with a narcissist, or whatever it is, you should be celebrated. Watch and feel the energy for those “friends” or folks in your circle not clapping for you. Remember that salt looks like sugar and the devil was once an angel so don’t get it confused.

This week I’ve been blogging about sitting with ourselves, healing, and respecting people’s silence when they are not able to speak. While we are healing and aligning withour energy, intuition, and keeping the faith that each day we will be better, let’s not forget to recognize red flags as we communicate with others. If you don’t already know the red flags of a toxic person then please save this, print it, put it on your bathroom mirror, but don’t forget or dismiss these flags.

Every day as I talk to people in person or on the phone, I don’t care if I just met them or have known them for years, I’m aware of red flags. I’m also aware of my energy when they interact with me. The old me ignored red flags, the old me justified, made excuses, and often had compassion or sympathy for them. Great news! The new me does not tolerate, ignore, make excuses, justify or feel compassion for any red flag. I do not care what my relationship is with them. I’m so confident in the new me that I’m certain many folks do not like me now because I’m not broken to their advantage.

If we start looking for red flags then we will usually find more than one in a toxic person. If someone constantly interrupts us, then wait there will be another red flag. It could be grandiosity because they feel their words are more important. If someone is controlling us, wait they may be jealous of our time with others. If they are gaslighting us, watch I bet they don’t respect our boundaries. Toxic folks are like criminals, they usually have more than one thing on their record. Let’s heal together and recognize these red flags! 🚩

I recently lost an old friend of mine. We had been friends since 1994. We met in the car business and he got me into more stuff than I care to remember. Through the years like many friends, he has faded in and out of my life. Some years ago he got on social media and made many comments on my posts. I would always acknowledge him and say something generic. But his last 3 comments on my posts I felt I needed to say more. The 3 most important words I could ever say to him were, “I love you”. If you know me personally, you know that I am not one to just say that on social media to the opposite sex. I never want to misconstrue my intentions or my words. I felt so strongly that I needed to tell my friend that I loved him that I told him 3 times. The last time I told him “I Love You” was on a Wednesday and he passed the next day. When I got the news, I said “thank you Jesus that I acted on my energy and what my heart and soul felt.” No regrets!

Trusting our instincts, practicing our faith, and acting on our energy should be equivalent to the bird in the air that sees a tree, a branch, a twig and decides to land on it. He’s never landed on that twig or branch before but he trusts it. He trusts that the branch is going to support him and he also trusts that branch so much that he builds his nest on it for not only him but his family. Trees fall every day, branches and twigs break every hour but the one that the bird lands on, does not because he has faith and he knows he can trust it. If the birds of the air can trust, believe, have faith, and act on their intuition then why can’t we do the same? I believe it’s the fear from our wounds that speak louder than our intuition. We have got to dismiss the old programming. That stuff we were raised on is the past and it no longer exists. Dismiss the fears that were taught in your upbringing. Act on whatever you feel that is going to bring you closer to your purpose, your gift, and speak positivity in someone’s life.

I wanna talk to y’all about “silence”. Many times I am silent and my silence usually means I am drowning., overwhelmed, depressed, hurting, in pain and it means mostly I cannot speak. Sometimes when we cannot speak it means the pain is too great to say it. Maybe we can’t say it because it makes it too real. I think this is important to note when we don’t hear a return call or text or someone has disappeared from our life.

Before the passing of one of my best friends in 2018 that had cancer, she knew my silence meant I was drowning. And this simple text meant everything to me “Just checking on you sissy.” She didn’t ask if I was ok because she knew I wasn’t ok. Why ask a question that you already know the answer to. She knew me well enough to know what my silence meant. And during the time she was sick and went silent, I tried to remain strong and every week I’d text her “Just checking on you sissy.” because I knew asking how she was doing was probably the dumbest thing I could ask someone with cancer. The obvious answer is not good. And many times I just got a heart or a thumbs up to let me know she appreciated my message.

We can’t take others’ silence personally. We gotta believe that it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with the person in silent mode. Maybe they are down the rabbit hole, maybe they are overwhelmed, maybe they have ADHD and have trouble juggling. All we can do is make zero assumptions and just send a simple text like the one above. Asking how someone is doing or if they are ok is an open-ended question that forces them to reply when they may not be able to reply. The reply is simply for you, not for them. Trying to make someone reply when they are already drowning is not helping them. If you wanna help, take you out of the equation and just send love and support. The sound of silence is about us listening to those who cannot speak.

Someone asked me the other day how I knew that telling my story through writing and blogging was my purpose. After recapping my Dealing to Healing story on my blog website, I told them this story. About 10 years ago or so, shortly after Pinterest was born, I would get on Pinterest, and instead of looking at recipes, clothes, things that most women pin (and I do some), I would look at quotes. I fell in love with quotes because they soothed me and they healed my soul. I would pick out about 20 quotes a week and send them to one of my narcissists.

I’ve been drawn to quotes and lyrics since I was about 10 years old. After my parents divorced, I would sit in the hallway by our bookcases and read the encyclopedia. I wanted to know things about the world so I was fascinated by looking at cities like San Francisco and countries like France. I studied Monte Carlo like I was planning a trip there. Yes! It’s on my bucket list. I also read my bible books a lot. But more than anything the quotes and lyrics were my favorite. I would also play my record player and write the lyrics down before there were lyrics on albums. For those scratching their head right now, no there was no internet when I was a child. And after my mom passed in 2019, writing was cathartic and my hashtag Sunday Sermon was the only thing I had that I looked forward to writing and doing. It was pure therapy!

I believe what we are drawn to and what we love to do is our gift to utilize to not only heal ourselves but to help others. I don’t care what you love to do, clean, sing, sew, dig in the dirt, write, cook, paint, do hair/makeup, golf, or whatever, find a way for it to heal you and find a way to help others. I believe that our God-given talents are not just for us but for us to share with the world. I hope you follow the things that you are silently drawn to, have the courage to do them, even if you’re not a master, and heal yourself while you share it with the world.