Mental Health Days Are Okay

Those are not my actual words from my therapist but I am an advocate for mental health days. Sometimes it’s just too much to face the world, open your door and expose yourself to environments that may hurt you.

These are the words I told one of the tribe members recently. I told her that if I had a head-on collision and was bandaged from head to toe with internal injuries, this is how folks would treat me. They would not expect me to show up to invites, they would be checking on me, seeing if I needed anything, and bringing their best game of comforting me.

I didn’t have a physical head-on but I did have an emotional and mental head-on. My heart is bandaged, my head is bandaged, my nerve endings are exposed which means I have to guard myself against certain environments and people. This is not a statement for compassion or empathy, it’s a picture I’m painting for those who have never experienced mental health issues on a deep or long-term level.

If we have friends or family that we know is drowning in grief due to a physical loss, a relationship break up, a divorce, job loss, or just a bad time in their life, we should treat them like they have had a physical head-on collision. Support is everything when you are recovering. I believe the support group is your number one source for better days and healing. You can reach out to them when you can’t always see a therapist.

Remember we don’t walk around with t-shirts and hats that state our issues. Folks don’t know what is going on with our grief, pain, depression, anxiety, or just plain bad days. It’s up to us to take care of ourselves and let folks know “not today”. They will wait and so will the world. Love yourself ❤️.

Judas Amongst Us

This past week has been hell! I’ve told y’all that I am aware that connections are not coincidental and people come into your life for a reason. Well as real as there are unknown angels among us, there are devils and powers of evil searching for a soul to devour. It’s the critically wounded that exploit their anger and narcissistic/sociopath traits to try and destroy others. When God says to love your enemies, forgive and pray for those who hurt you, that does not mean to let your boundaries down. That does not mean picking up the phone, responding to the text, allow them access to you.

Don’t forget that Jesus allowed Judas a handpicked disciple, to access him and it was the biggest betrayal in history. He was not counted as an enemy but as a disciple. He was a tribe member. His betrayal led to Jesus being crucified after Judas kissed him on the cheek. Believe me, there’s many Judas amongst us, trying to access us just to destroy and betray us. God wants us to be aware of wolves in sheep clothing.

Let me say it again when you see that call, text, or you are around an individual, pay close attention to your energy. Your intuition is telling you everything. The stuff in your gut not the stuff in your head, the mind can change in a snap but recognizing your energy is God giving you wisdom. I’ve ignored mine in the past and every single time it bites me back. I know God is shaking his head and saying “I tried to tell you”.

I’ve asked God to forgive me for showing me the signs and me ignoring them. Then I have to thank him for loving me so much that he circles back around to take me out of situations I would never be in if I just didn’t ignore the signs. Let’s be thankful for God’s love, grace, and giving us the wisdom to recognize the Judas in our lives.

Who Is Drowning?

One thing I’ve concluded on my journey is that when one is drowning they don’t know who else is drowning. When one is overwhelmed with grief, depression, sadness, or their stuff they never look around to see who else is drowning. Our emotional drowning is much like our physical drowning. If we are drowning or struggling in the water, we are not looking around to see who else is struggling, we are looking to see if anyone can help us or can save us. If we don’t see anyone we just keep fighting to stay alive. Fighting to stay alive while you’re suffocating in your stuff is a terrible feeling. Have you ever been so fearful that you can’t say anything? I have been so scared that nothing came out.

I think it’s important to remember this when we think nobody cares. A lot of times our peeps are drowning too. I’m drowning in my stuff, my friends are drowning in their stuff and nobody can say “help”. Sometimes our stuff is not even bad, it’s just we get caught up in life and never think about our friends drowning in bad stuff. I am trying to make a conscious effort to check on those that fall off my radar. I miss seeing ❤️ and 👍🏼 on social media and it makes me aware that someone could be drowning in their stuff.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again when one is not ok and they are drowning, it’s harder to answer that question, “Are you ok?” Nobody wants to say “life sucks” or “I’m drowning” or “I’m struggling”. I’ll usually say “Checking on you” to just let them know I miss them. If they want to tell me what’s going on, they can or if they can’t, I respect their decision.

Its important to remember this all the time but especially this time of year when many are grieving loved ones no longer here. Remember it’s not the happiest time of year for everyone. Just because you have your house full of family, friends and a full bank account doesn’t mean that for everyone. As my shrink says, “not everyone is like you”. Let’s check on those missing on our radar this month and make it a goal every month. It only takes seconds to send a text to say “Checking on you” or “Miss you”.

🚩 What Is The Silent Treatment🚩

I’m on a roll with narcissists lately because I’ve been exposed recently and it’s reminded me of my former life. I think the biggest trait that I’ve seen in my narcissists is the silent treatment.

When I was a child I saw my mother give multiple people the silent treatment. She wouldn’t talk to them for months or years and this included her siblings. As I got older she did the same to me. There were several times during my adulthood that we didn’t have any communication. It sounds terrible but it wasn’t, it gave me a drama break. I’m not sure at what age I decided that she was not like other mothers but abnormal became our normal.

The silent treatment gives the narcissist control while it also communicates “devalue” to the victim. If you think ghosting is emotionally abusive, wait until you’ve been with someone for years and they go silent without any warning or real explanation. The silent treatment allows them to avoid any conversation that might require them to acknowledge their behavior. One thing that a narcissist does not like is the question and answer game. If you start asking questions then they have to remember their lies. I’ve also seen the silent treatment when they are mad, pouting, or upset about something you’ve “supposedly” done. It’s punishing the victim for whatever they “supposedly” done.

The silent treatment is emotionally abusive. It can cause. anxiety and can crush self-esteem. No, you’re not crazy! They hear the phone and see the missed calls and texts. They hear you when you talk. That no reply to your communication is their control tactic. It’s to make you think you are worthless to them. And when they decide to reply or talk to you, do not expect an apology or explanation for why they have been gone so long with no communication. They will jump right back into the relationship like nothing ever happened. And don’t dare ask because then you’ll be gaslighted.

If the silent treatment is something you experience in a relationship then please put that on your “you might be a narcissist” checklist. More to come!

🚩 What Is A Narcissist? 🚩

I’ve learned so many don’t know what a narcissist is and therefore cannot identify the characteristics of one. I find this common, especially in older generations. Being a narcissist is different than having narcissism. According to my shrink, we all have a little narcissism in us. Selfies are a great example. Showing new houses, cars, purchases or trips is a form but that does not mean you are a narcissist. The Mayo Clinic’s definition of a narcissist is as follows:

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

It is a personality disorder that happens according to Professor Sam Vaknin between the ages of 6 months to 7 years old. Nobody is born a narcissist, the brain has zero abnormalities. The NPD occurs due to a caretaker that is usually a narcissist not letting the child find their individuality. The caretaker does not allow the child to take the steps needed to become their person. The caretaker pulls the child back from what they want to explore. Holding a child back from exploring and becoming an individual of their own does not give them the love they need. They are never loved as needed until they are adored for their looks, talents, good grades, or an accomplishment. Once the child is recognized for an accomplishment then is when they are considered being loved as needed. This is their supply. They crave love through admiration. Often the accomplishment is what they will usually become great at doing. If it looks they will be image perfect whenever they are out in public.

There’s a much deeper dive to learn how one becomes a narcissist but for now, I think it’s important to know if your narcissist was a golden child, if their caretaker was a narcissist, if they were known for their appearance or their accomplishments. If they were only validated or felt loved for their image or accomplishments. This alone does not make one a narcissist. However, there is a checklist and this is part of the checklist. More to come!

🚩 Like Running On A Hamster Wheel 🚩

Since I’ve been on my path, I’ve limited my time and energy with people. See when you are healing, you can’t just expose yourself to all environments. You must rest, take care of yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s physical or mental, limiting contact with people is necessary so you don’t get reinfected. The minute I feel my energy saying “this does not feel good”, I listen and act. I sometimes believe that is God telling us “no”. I listen and I don’t question it.

Recently I got myself in a situation that exposed me to a narcissist. I knew my energy had told me things about this person but I felt I couldn’t change or control the situation without hurting another person involved. The exposure to the narcissist exhausted me on so many levels that I finally told the person I didn’t want to hurt, that I won’t put myself in this position again. It was a great reminder of where I’d been in my previous life.

I want to talk to anybody that is now in a relationship with a narcissist. It doesn’t matter if it’s your partner, sibling, best friend, mother, dad, or child. When I tell you that shit is exhausting, that’s an understatement. Here’s the thing, you don’t know how exhausted you are until you get out of it. I feel certain you could throw your anxiety and depression meds down the toilet if you just blocked the relationship. And yes I know it’s not as easy when it’s your spouse. I just want you to know that gaslighting will make you think you’re crazy. You will question your thoughts and decisions. Being the wind beneath their wings constantly is literally sucking the life out of you.

I’m saying this in the most loving direct way I can tell you because you just don’t know how black the cloud is over you until you leave it. You cannot play their game. They get full credit for being masters and trying to match them is absurd, because you’ll never match them. I encourage you to limit contact, make your schedule and make it a goal to leave the relationship. Work on you more than them because you will not change them. It’s a complete waste of time.

Your Mental Health Matters

I did not write that quote but I could have written it. I have sacrificed my mental health for others’ priorities, needs, and their lack of disappointment. I’ve focused on others for so long and so much that I am burned completely out now.

Here’s the thing about mental health, nobody can see it until it gets ugly. But health is health rather it’s physical or mental. If we were wrapped in bandages head to toe or showed some physical pain to our peers, then they would accommodate us. They would open doors, assist us, ask if we need anything but because we don’t wear a T-shirt and hat describing our mental health issues then we often get zero accommodations.

We just need to go ahead and assume that everyone has a wound and that everyone is dealing with their devil on their level. Then we must respect when they take care of their mental health. It may look like canceled plans, a phone call not answered, calling in sick to your job, a day at the spa, or cutting toxic family members out of your life. It’s the first step in self-care and that is loving yourself first and quit people-pleasing.

I know many are reading this and saying “I know this” but I say are you doing it? Are you holding boundaries and putting yourself first? I know it’s hard to do but every first step we take is hard. It gets easier to do when you see the benefits. If I sound like I’m pushing this or heavily encouraging it, I am. I know more people that can’t do it than can do it. If you take the first step after reading this, please comment, or direct message me so I can congratulate you. All first steps need to be celebrated. You and your mental health matter!

Your Crown Is Falling

If you haven’t read my story about how Dealing to Healing was born then you may not know that my goal when the blog was born was just not to write and heal me but to help others. The goal was to help just one, one post at a time. I pray that prayer each time I hit the “publish” button. There are times and days that I think I don’t know if I’m helping anyone but I know it’s not a reason not to write. It’s my purpose and if nobody reads it then I’m still doing what I am supposed to do.

My Dealing to Healing Story

Seems like each time I say those words to myself “nobody is reading this”, then boom someone comments, texts, or tells me in person how much I’ve helped them, how they read everything, and it overwhelms my heart and brings tears to eyes. I cry not for my ego but just to think that God took a person with zero education in writing or journalism, a girl that cut her teeth on the automotive business and never knew I had this in me, that it is me that God used to help others. I feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes because it is overwhelming when I think about where I have been in my life. The hell I have survived.

I want to tell you that think you don’t know if you have a purpose, that’s a lie! I want to tell you who have zero education on your passion, your gifts, your talents, don’t let that stop you. It doesn’t matter if you have education, formal training, or zero business sense. Do not let that stop you. Those voices you hear that talk negative talk is your old programming. It’s the voices of the past or as the church folks say, “that’s the devil telling you a lie!” However you want to believe it, just believe it.

Don’t you dare give up. Don’t let anyone stop you. That narcissist you are with will gaslight you to make you think you’re too crazy to serve your purpose. Your parents that don’t believe in you, don’t let that stop you. I had zero encouragement to do anything in life. You find that fight in you, it’s there, and you fight your way to do your purpose. I promise you this, God did not create you to be in a miserable situation. You are a child of a God and you wear your crown proudly. Pick your heads up kings and queens your crown is falling.

Here’s To Mom

Today I woke up with a heavy heart. It was today in 2019 that my mother passed. I had been to the UT/Vandy game in Knoxville. I drove back to Nashville, that drives was the longest, saddest drive of my life.

As you have read in my blog, my mother was a narcissist. I know many of your jaws drop when I put that label on my mother but it’s true and it’s time that I talk about it because I know I’m not alone. I believe it’s ok to say that our families are not perfect, dysfunctional, have labels, just because they are blood doesn’t exempt them from any of that stuff. Talking about it not only lets others know they are not alone but gives insight on how to manage toxic family relationships, if you want to manage and not walk away.

One jewel I hold in my crown is I have accepted my mother being a narcissist. Here’s the thing, she did the best she could with her toolbox. She was raised by an alcoholic father and had 10 siblings. That alone sounds painful. She was born during the depression and comparing that to the pandemic, I think that changes everyone’s mental health. I’m not making excuses I am saying she gave me all she had but it wasn’t enough for me. I am a 10-gallon person and my mother gave all her pint-size love. A pint will never fill up 10 gallons. That’s what we have to understand and accept. Some folks including family just can’t love you the way you need to be loved. So I think we take the things we need and leave the rest. Leaving the rest means holding your boundaries not to let the messy stuff spillover.

I try to let the good outweigh the bad. I think of all the positives she did. Because she was a narcissist I know about body image, how to eat right, exercise, and take care of myself. Because of her work ethic, I learned to be alone and independent. I credit my spiritual beliefs in being raised to know God and to put my faith in him and never in a man. Finding positive qualities in anyone will dilute the toxic and negative. Dilute not dismiss! We must not dismiss what exists, acknowledge it and manage it the best we can.

Here’s to you mom, thank you for giving me all you could give. You did the best you could and I’m sorry for what happened to you. It wasn’t your fault for what happened to you, you just didn’t find a way to heal. It’s ok now because you’re no longer in pain and I’m telling the world they are not alone.