Feeling ignored can trigger something very specific in a complex trauma survivor’s nervous system.
A lot of our woundedness tends to revolve around the feeling that we were unwanted or unimportant to the people who were supposed to want us, care for us, protect us, love us.
When we get the feeling in our adult lives that we’re being ignored, that we are dispensable— it pokes at that wound. Hard.
It’s not a matter of feeling “entitled” to attention.
To the contrary: many complex trauma survivors struggle to feel they are entitled to ANY attention or care at all.
Our conditioning has often left us believing we don’t “deserve” love— or, often, even to take up the space we take up, to breathe the air we breathe.
The reason feeling ignored or unimportant triggers so many complex trauma survivors so badly is, it activates a very specific fear of abandonment…
I used this quote when I blogged about giving others grace. I want to use it again to illustrate another point.
When we categorize people by saying, they are nice or they are mean, we are categorizing and putting them in our box. We expect them to stay in that box. Keeping people in a box and a category will get you hurt.
Let me explain. We are all complicated. We all have sides. Each of us has a good side, an ugly side, a dark side, and an angelic side. Depending on the situation, our sides are exposed. Even the narcissist has a good side or we wouldn’t fall into the trap of trusting them. And Jesus had an angry side when he turned over the tables.
Sometimes the ones that we label as a good person or “got my back” are the very ones that will leave you. Think about it, the ones you thought were the ride or die are the ones who’ve hurt you. We are never hurt by our enemies or those we categorize as bad. We are hurt by those that we put in the good category.
We should not put the expectation on others that we can’t put on ourselves. If we can change, snap, show our ugly side then we must know others have that capability too. It’s not about trust, it’s about not categorizing, labeling, and putting folks in a box. Accept they have sides just like me and you. Accept they are evolving just like me and you. Accept that none of us are the finished product and we all need allowances to change.
I blogged a couple of days ago My Personal Updatethat shared I’m working on a personal project. Before starting this project that could be as much as 4 months long, I first checked with myself and asked if it was the right timing and I felt that the time was right. I then prayed and released that if it was in God’s plan it would work out. And I have said that affirmation daily.
“Father, if You are willing, take this cup away from Me—nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done.” Luke 22:42
It doesn’t matter what our plans are if it’s not the right time on our path. I know there is a difference between forcing a plan and allowing a plan.
When I moved to Georgia in 2014, it unfolded like a fairy tale. I found a job, a place to live, made friends, got support, and became comfortable in my environment very quickly. I had my heart set on the move. I had dreams and plans. I think God gave me the desire of my heart and allowed the plan because I never felt it was forced.
Forcing what is not meant for us is not what is in the plan. When we have to force things it’s a sign that it’s not meant to be. Sometimes doors are closed for a reason to protect us or allow something better. I have also forced things and people in my life and regretted that I decided to force it.
Allowing and acceptance are sometimes challenging when we want something to work out but we must believe that it’s not part of the plan. If we are impatient then we will often find the teaching of patience in our wants and desires.
You may have noticed some changes in my blogging and my social media presence this year. You may have also noticed that I’m more on the healing side than the dealing side. Since my media detox in January, my life has changed again. I’m not able to put into words exactly what happened during those 31 days I was shut down but my life has never felt more peaceful. I think I found new love with the quiet and the stillness I experienced. I believe I experienced a new level of awakening and spiritual awareness.
I can count on one hand the times I have watched the news since I came back on to television and social media. I have watched a couple of Netflix series but other than that I’m still sitting in the quiet with music sometimes playing in the background. I’m committed to a full schedule of writing my blog, a memoir, working out, and currently reading two books while intermittently working on podcasts, sermons, and motivational videos. If that is not enough I work a full-time job and I started a personal project that I will share with you later. You may now understand why I don’t have the social media presence I had previously. I have time restraints because I am on a mission.
I feel whole, complete and I don’t need anyone or anything to make me feel better. I’m no longer chasing counterfeit freedom in material things, alcohol, or experiences. I’m moving away from labels and working on my ego. I have authentic freedom and that is why I’m happier than I have ever been in my life. I know I’m continuing to awaken as I see signs and synchronicities daily. I know that God lives in me and is working through me. I’m not able to explain the intelligence behind it all but I know that it is real because of my experiences.
The book I’m writing, it’s a story of a girl born to a dysfunctional family, who emotionally and physically abandoned her. That girl grew up with an abandonment wound and an unhealthy attachment style that created a magnet for addicts and narcissists’ relationships. After 5 decades she broke patterns and generational curses. She prayed to die many times during her dark periods but she didn’t because she has a purpose and a story to tell to the world. She knows that no suffering is in vain and nobody is born to give up because everyone has a gift and a purpose. It’s there and it’s been there the entire time. Believe me, because that girl is me!
I recently concluded I’m just old school when it comes to white out. The brush and paint are just fine for me. The new and improved tape doesn’t work for me. I went through 5 of those plastic things trying to figure out the technique to push over my mistakes. After some time including a FaceTime tutorial with a friend I finally said, I don’t do this well but I’m great at other things.
Nobody is great at everything and perfectionism is sometimes only a thought because is there anything or anyone perfect? Attempting to do things that we are not masters at is part of the experience.
As I was reading my current self-improvement book the following resonated with me.
We always have to do our best. I hear this almost every single day, from motivational speakers to athletes: “I have to do my best.” I’d like to challenge that. You don’t have to be perpetually performing and doing things at the top level. As a matter of fact, the idea that things always have to be done perfectly is very often what will keep you from achieving anything at all.
If you’re preoccupied with perfectionism, it will turn into paralysis in the end, because you won’t be able to accomplish anything. Get rid of that whole idea of best and just do. I suggest that you replace the idea that you always have to do your best at everything with this: There’s going to be a few things that I do very well—it may even be my best. But when it comes to the rest of the things I do in my life, I’m not going to worry about my best and instead simply enjoy them. Remember to take that pressure off of your children as well, because it’s far more important for them to do and enjoy and be at peace and in harmony than it is to live with all of the illness-producing stress that comes from constantly being told that you always have to do your best.
Accepting is a wonderful place to be. When we understand that everything happens for a reason and everyone is a teacher, we start believing life is like dot to dot. We have to connect the dots to understand it.
As I was telling a couple of friends of mine, we have to do A, B, C before we can do D. We have to do 1,2,3 before we can do 4. I understand that we want to pass over the pain, grief, and stuff that doesn’t feel good but is part of the experience. If you think about every terrible situation in your life, divorce, bankruptcy, illness, and even the passing of loved ones, we learn from the experience.
We learn lessons about love through a divorce, we learn financial responsibility through bankruptcy, we learn to appreciate our health through sickness, and through the death of loved ones, the list is endless. I’ve seen people quit smoking, drinking, prepare for their mortality with plots, pre-burial arrangements, change their entire course of life due to a lesson they learned from a loved one passing.
Everyone we meet knows something we don’t. Yes! Everyone is a teacher. We may not allow them to teach us because we may not like their behavior. It’s okay not to like the behavior, just don’t judge it. And don’t allow their behavior and actions to have power over your behavior and actions. Remember we are all on different paths and we just have to meet people where they are because more than likely we’ve been there or might go there.
It’s why it’s so important not to judge. It could be us. It’s easy to judge the game from the stands when you’re not on the field. Who knows maybe you’ll be on the field one day and make the same mistakes. You know the saying, “never say never”. You’re children and grandchildren will make you a liar every time.
We must remember the next time we are going through a terrible time, that it will pass and we will be okay. There’s always sunshine after rain. For every valley, there’s a mountain. Learn from the lesson and thank God when it’s over that you survived. It’s just where we were supposed to be at that time on our path.
When I was younger I loved jigsaw puzzles. As an Enneagram 8, I love the challenge of it. Trying to find the pieces, the colors that coordinate, all the wonderful things that bring it to life including working on it as a team.
I’m finding that life is like a jigsaw puzzle. There are thousands of pieces, and those pieces have all different shapes and colors. It takes a lot of time and patience to put it together. But one thing is for sure all the pieces are there if we just keep believing.
Why is it we have more faith and belief in the puzzle’s manufacturer than we do in ourselves or God? If we believe that every piece of the puzzle is there then why can’t we believe that every piece we need in life is there? We may not find it when we need it but it’s there. We may not see it right away but it’s there.
Patience is a requirement to work the puzzle but it’s also a requirement in life. It will come to you. You will find it when you look for it. Remember keeping your eyes wide open to look for signs is important. We miss so many synchronicities because we are too busy, distracted with stress, and worry.
Allow others to help you with the puzzle we call life. Let them also look for the pieces that you need. God works through everyone, not just the ones that look like you, think like you, and believe like you. Dismiss that you are the smartest one in the room and let others guide you. And never give up because all the pieces are there if you just believe.
The Latin root of doubt is dubitāre, “to hesitate, waver,” and when you doubt something you’re wavering: I think I believe you, but maybe I don’t.
Last Sunday and Monday I blogged about Simon the fisherman and his men having the spirit of doubt when Jesus sat right before them telling them to go again into the deep sea and cast their nets. I’ve said the spirit of fear is real but the more I awaken and read the more I believe the spirit of doubt may be equal.
We are not just what we think but we are as we believe. We can be the best cheerleader and say we will win but if there is any part of us inside, in our core that says “We haven’t won a game all year, I doubt it happens today.” That is fueling the spirit of doubt.
Many people think forward but believe backward and here’s why. First, they were born into a family that passed on the generational curse of doubt. Nobody believed it could or would happen so they instilled that belief in the children because their mamas and daddies instilled it in them. Many of us have been groomed to have low expectations and our belief system is broken.
Next, if you were not born into that curse and you were blessed with families that empowered you, then who is your tribe? We think on the level we run with. Be cautious of the doubters. As my mother said, “you if lie down with the dogs, you get up with the fleas.” Maybe this is why Simon only took one net out to the sea. His men had talked all night about how it wasn’t working. If you hang around that long enough, it will get on you. Stay away from the doubters.
Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. Matthew 21:21
Casting a mountain into the sea is a huge achievement but I think it’s the writer’s analogy of anything is possible when we believe. And not just manifesting material things because that brings the ego in the mix but believing in miracles. Believing in your dreams manifesting. Believing in healing physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I pray we rid ourselves of doubt which breeds confusion and we embrace the power of believing. We fix it by eliminating the fixation of doubt. Goal: To attract who we are!
I’ve had an earworm in my ear lately. The lyrics of Diana Ross‘s 1994 hit song, What the World Needs Now Is Love. I’ve always loved that song but as I continue to read my book by Dr. Wayne Dyer, The Power of Awakening I understand this quote.
When you have the choice to be right or to be kind, always pick kind.
I’m on the road a lot in the craziness of the city. If you know Atlanta traffic and drivers then you understand that it can make a preacher cuss. Somebody is always needing to get over and a blinker is always on. I’ve learned to just let them over. Not letting them does not get me there faster. It’s an act of kindness on the road. And if we are doing to others as we want to be done to us then that’s the right thing to do.
It doesn’t matter if they cut to get in front, it doesn’t matter if they are manipulating. When we decide to say “I’m right” as opposed to “I’m kind” the phrase “I’m right” automatically decides for the other party “they’re wrong” which breeds disharmony.
We have to also understand that maybe us letting them over is God’s way of slowing us down to avoid something worse than letting someone over. As I wrote earlier in the week Today Is the Last Day of Your Life, if this is your last day in your life then would you choose to be kind or be right? Every day could be the last day of your life so live like it. Because what the world really needs now is love sweet love.
I’ve finished reading my 2nd book for the year, Instinct, The Power to Unleash Your Inborn Drive. I’m now moving on to book number 3, The Power of Awakening by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I have about 40 books on my Kindle wishlist and this was not one of them but I’m glad I was drawn to it and chose it because it’s so profound. So many aha moments! Here’s one directly from the book.
Let’s circle back to the phrase “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” I’d really like to change it to “Today is the last day of your life.” Now there’s a slogan! You don’t have any “rest of your life” guaranteed to you at all. What you get is now. You’ve got to learn that death is like the old joke: it’s nature’s way of telling you to slow down. Sure, it’ll do that. But all kidding aside, you’ve got to get things in perspective. Life itself is an unfinished-ness. It’s not like you’re going to get it all organized into the right place, and then check out. No. God doesn’t tell you in the morning, “You’ll be checking out about 11: 30 P.M. You will be joining me tonight.” You can’t say, “Wait a minute, God. You don’t understand. I bought three bottles of shampoo. As soon as I use up that shampoo, I’ll be ready. And by the way, God, I’ve got a whole bunch of steaks in the freezer. I got them on sale and haven’t even touched them yet.” You don’t want to make God mad on your last day. He could say, “Now it’ll be about 11: 20 P.M, buddy.” I suggest that you get into the habit of telling yourself every morning, “This is the last day I’ve got.” Because you know something? All of us, at some time or another, have got to face a last day. Nobody’s leaving here alive. And when you tell yourself, “This is the last day of my life,” you get a whole new perspective on the worlds of form and nonform. You know death is merely another transition rather than anything to be feared.
Let’s say you’re in a traffic jam on your way to work. If you know that this is the last traffic jam you’re ever going to get, you’re going to enjoy the hell out of it. If this is your last bridge crossing, you’ll be checking that bridge out carefully. You’ll introduce yourself to everybody in line there: “Excuse me, my name is Wayne Dyer. I’ll be leaving tonight, but I wanted to tell you how much I like that bridge there. Boy, is that nice.” There would be no rush. You’d take it easy, and savor your time. Now, why not cultivate that attitude for everything in your life? Keeping your focus on the big picture will help you do just that.”
— The Power of Awakening: Mindfulness Practices and Spiritual Tools to Transform Your Life by Wayne W. Dyer
Dealing to Healing 