Stat Changer

I’ve always loved stats. I find it interesting what people like, don’t like, what makes them look, all the good psychological stuff. Since I’ve been blogging, on all social media platforms and have a website, I frequently check my stats. I’m not as concerned about numbers as I am about what is the profile of the person following me, what content interests them and how long they are hanging around the website.

Have you ever noticed that when you do a social media post that you get fewer “likes” than when you post a story on Facebook or Instagram? I’ll get 30-40 folks to look at the story while less than 10 “like” my post. It just means someone is always watching you. Reminds me of the song by Michael Jackson, “ I always feel like somebody’s watching me.” People want to know about you without asking or interacting.

I believe this is something we need to remember as we live our life. What influence are you displaying without someone asking “who are you?” What type of role model are you for your children, grandchildren, and all young eyes? Each generation has the responsibility of leadership to the generations that follow. Maybe that’s where we messed up. We allowed society, the marketing influencers, and advertisers to put so much pressure on us to portray a false image of success that we are not rich with being successful with what’s important such as love, grace, gratitude, being selfless, and genuinely happy with ourselves. We’ve left the basics of success to build an image. I believe our society is reaping what they have sown. In today’s world, you are a rare jewel if you’ve never been divorced, had zero legal issues with your kids, had less than 3 jobs in your life. I know I’m always impressed when someone shares any of those stats with me.

I’ve lived more than 1/2 century and I cannot erase or change my past stats of influence but I get a clean slate every single day and I want my stats to show when I’m gone that I was an influencer of love, gratitude, selflessness, and acceptance. I’ll say it again, we gotta do better to be better. We can’t change the world but we can be a world of change starting now. ❤️

Are You Blessed?

If you’ve followed me long enough on social media or my blog then you know my purpose in telling my stories is not only for my healing but it’s also to educate and help others specifically about narcissists. Since I’ve been blogging about narcissists and studying them like I’m taking a psychology exam, I meet people almost weekly that want to share with me about one of their narcissist relationships. Before I started blogging I never met a soul that opened up to me about narcissists. Coincidental? You know the answer, I think not.

Last night I met 2 young women in their early 20s, and without giving a lot of details, they wanted to know A to Z about narcissists. They asked me so many questions and their minds were like little sponges absorbing every word. They were so grateful for what I told them, not only did I get many “thank you”, multiple hugs, one of them got my information and took my business card. She wants to help me with my purpose by getting me on TikTok. She’s a marketing major and knows marketing technology. She said, “what you are telling us, you need to tell the world and you must have a presence on Tik Tok to get to our generation and go viral.”

Why I am sharing all this with you? Because I’m going to tell you that connections are not coincidental. I keep saying it and I’m going to continue saying it. People you meet are for a reason. Everyone knows something that you do not know. Which makes it more obvious that we are here to help each other and by serving our purpose, utilizing our talents, our passions, and spiritual gifts. If we are not giving back to people, we are missing out on many blessings.

Blessings are not just about having all you need but having enough to share. We need to have enough time to share with others, we need to have enough money to share by helping those who don’t have enough, we need to have enough energy to help others in need of us. What if I never stopped to talk to them. I could have easily focused on the baseball game, blown them off, and justified it. But thank ya Jesus I didn’t take that route or I would’ve missed out on my blessing.

Will you join me by committing to share yourself with others, not only to bless them but to receive your blessing? Let us serve our purpose on why we are here and that’s to help others. Let’s get blessed this week!

It’s Time

I’ve been locked in since I returned from Charleston. I’ve been sick with allergies and because I’ve been under the weather, I’ve taken full advantage of my lockdown and have worked diligently on my memoir.

I’ve struggled with writing my memoir for many reasons but mainly because it’s painful. It’s painful to say what happened to me. It’s equally as painful to say what I had to do to survive. As I write it, tears stream because I often think “I can’t believe, I allowed this.” It’s as though I’m not even writing about my life. And while struggling with my pain this week, I saw this picture on social medía and it spoke to me. It spoke to me so loudly that I printed it out and put it on my refrigerator. I want to see it and keep it as a constant reminder that it’s time to forgive myself.

I often think it’s easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves. We allow guilt and shame for things we had to do to survive. Maybe that’s why we bury so much and can’t let go of it because we are just not ready to forgive ourselves. If God can forgive us and it’s forgotten then why can’t we do the same?

I’m healing, it’s messy and maybe one day I might just make it to that promised land of “healed”. In the meantime, I’m going to keep trying, keep writing, and keep forgiving myself for doing the things I had to do to survive.

The Golden Rule

I’ve blogged about trauma several times. I believe since my awakening that I’ve become more sensitive to other people’s trauma, not just my own. If you read my story “Trauma in Charleston” then you know I was empathetic to the history of Charleston and the lack of respect and honor as it stands today. Turning slave stables into a tourist attraction is disrespectful to black history and the trauma of each generation.

I’ve also become more aware of religious trauma and how many souls have left the church in droves due to the door being shut instead of open to those hurting. Jesus opened the door to ALL. He welcomed everyone from the whoremonger to healing the “demon-possessed”. He had compassion and empathy. So it doesn’t matter what your church, faith, religion is, if you don’t have those things, you are not doing it right!

And that leads me to one of the worst traumas of them all, grief! Grief is a word that covers so many areas. We grieve when a loved one passes, we grieve over job losses, our children, our parents, our families. One thing we all have in common, grief! So why is it that we do not have empathy when people grieve? I bring this subject up because I had a friend reach out to me and tell me her dad passed. She is on the west coast while her dad is in TN and her stepmother told her about the passing the day before the funeral. Knowing she wouldn’t have time to make the funeral.

I don’t know the whole story and it doesn’t matter, here’s the question. If the tables were turned, how would you feel? And that’s the question we need to start asking ourselves. What if that was me? How would I want to be treated? In my lifetime I’ve witnessed more pain and drama due to people’s lack of empathy when a loved one passes. I’ve seen people challenge wills, steal possessions, disrespect family by not including them in decisions, fight over flowers at the funeral home, and lots more. Just downright ugly!

I can’t wrap my brain around it but it seems to be getting worse. Is that what we’ve become? A society that lacks empathy? We know what grief is and how it feels so why are we dismissing compassion when someone is grieving? Why does one think their grief is worse? Let me say it again. We can not measure emotional pain. We just need to respect it! Everyone suffers from their stuff. Stop comparing. We are not in a contest.

My prayer is we wake up! We’ve got to do better to be better. It’s not hard folks. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.

Are you born a narcissist?

How does one become a narcissist? A question inquiring minds want to know. A child is not born a narcissist but becomes one by being born into a family or having caretakers that don’t have empathy for the child. They can’t support the child emotionally. Often this is the position of the mother. However, this alone is not what makes a narcissist. It’s the combination of not having the child’s emotional needs met and they are admired, praised very highly for something they do or even their looks. This can range from academics, sports, to beauty pageants. They get a lot of attention for not who they are but what they do or how they look or behave.

Usually, by the age of 7 years old they have split off from their individual, real, raw self to the child that is constantly praised. They never mature emotionally as an adult. This is why when you meet a narcissist they are very much childlike.

Now it makes sense why the narcissist needs constant supply aka attention which comes in the forms of families, friends, social media, coworkers, any person that gives them attention.

If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist or you have a family member that is a narcissist. This information is maybe helpful to know how they were raised. Many times the golden child is a narcissist. Hope this helps someone today.

Free Lunch

I wrote that quote several months ago. As I recall, I tweeted it due to so much judgment on social media. I see more of it on Twitter than on any other platform. Judgment is harsh, detrimental, and sadly what has formed us. I can remember the first time I was judged, you know I was sized up, I was categorized, I was put in a “class”, I was in 1st grade. It had to do with free lunch. I was automatically not as good as others because I got a free lunch. And that’s when it started.

We have no idea and let me say that again we have no idea what is going on in people’s lives. People including our friends and family only tell us what they want to tell us. I know people that have held things for decades and they say to me, “I’ve never told anybody this” and then they move forward in their story. I know I have things I have never told a soul. And that stuff that we don’t tell, that’s why we are who we are.

So really it doesn’t matter what folks say about you or how harshly they judge you because they don’t know the real you. They don’t know how you grew up, what happened to you, they don’t know your story and they don’t get a say on anything about you. We gotta let those things and people go that keep judging us for free lunches. I gotta do me and you gotta do you and that’s all we gotta do.

Religious Trauma Is Real

We know there’s trauma from childhood wounds. It could be from abandonment, neglect, poverty, harassment, bullying, domestic violence, racism, sexism, weight stigma, social isolation, parentification, emotional abuse, physical abuse, just to name a few. The one that you don’t hear often is Religious Trauma which some psychologists call a syndrome. This stems from raising a child in religion and telling the child they will go to hell and burn if they do things not pleasing to God.

Depending on the church, religion, or faith it can range from getting divorced to going to the movies. I’ve heard a list in my lifetime including Pokémon is the devil. The child has been raised in a fear-based doctrine that many times narcissists will adopt and hide behind but that’s another story. Telling a child that if they break the church “rules”, they are going to hell is traumatic. I know adults, including me that still have issues or had issues for 50 plus years.

Not only is it traumatic as a child and adult but the fear-based doctrine also isolates the child from socialization. If you can’t dance, go to the movies, listen to “devil music” and enjoy normal things with your peers, you become as different as the Mennonite or Amish. It’s a very cult-like environment that doesn’t embrace individuality, including sexuality preferences. I’ve seen certain churches throw homosexuals out of the church while they allow porn addicts to lead song services. It’s the epitome of hypocrisy. I know more people not going to church because of all the above than go to church.

I want to tell anyone who resonates with any of the above. First and foremost God is real. He’s real and he is full of love. My prayer is that you accept this and believe there is hope. Next, somehow, someway, and someday we need to heal from all the brainwashing we had for years. We have to face our fears, sit with our pains and trauma. Being spiritually healthy is vital to your healing just as physical health is to your body. And lastly, I’d like to say I’m sorry for your experience and exposure. It’s never too late to heal and let go of that fear and start all over with your religion.

Are you a Confidant, Constituent or Comrade?

Lately, I’ve been thinking about a sermon by Bishop T.D. Jakes that I heard years ago, it has stuck with me since I heard it. I felt like I needed to blog about it today due to someone needed to hear it.

He speaks on how our tribe does not always look like us and how we need to be open to a coat of many colors. We need to be aware of the 3 types of people that will come into our lives. I’m quoting his exact words.

Confidants – you’ll have very few of them. Confidants are those people in your life who love you unconditionally. They are into you, whether you’re up or down, right or wrong, they are into you. They are in for the long haul. If you get in trouble, they get in trouble with you. They’ll come to see you in the jailhouse. They’ll come to get you out of the crack house. They’re confidants. You can open up and share anything with them. You’ll never inherit your kingdom until you find your confidant. The confidant will mentor you. If you have 2-3 in your lifetime, you are blessed. Without them, you’ll never be who God called you to be. You need to find your confidant.

Constituents – They are not into you; they are into what you are for. They are for what you are for; they are your constituents. And as long as you are for what they are for, they will walk with you and work with you and labor with you but never think that they are for you. They are for what you are for, and you have to know that, because if they meet somebody else that will further their agenda, they will leave you and hook up with them, because they were never for you, they were just for what you were for; they are your constituents. And throughout your life, if you’re not careful, particularly if you’re broken, you will mistake your constituents for your confidants. And you will think that they are for you when they are really not for you; they are just for what you are for. And by the time you get to fall in love with them, they will break your heart as they hook up with somebody else who is for what you are for because it was never about you anyway. It was about the causes that you represent. They are for what you are for but they are not for you. They are your constituents.

Comrades – These people are not for you, nor are they for what you are for. It is just that they are against what you are against. And the comrades will make strange bedfellows. This will cause people to come together who are not for you and they are not for what you are for, but they are against what you are against. And they will team up with you to help fight a greater enemy. But don’t be confused by their associations. They will only be with you until the victory is accomplished. These people are like scaffolding. They come into your life to fulfill a purpose and when the purpose is complete the scaffolding is removed. But don’t be upset when they are removed, because the building always remains when the scaffolding is removed.

I can tell you how to identify people who are really for you. If they are really for you, they will weep with you when you weep and they will rejoice when you rejoice. When you walk into a room and you tell somebody good news, stop being happy for a minute and watch their reaction. If they’re not happy for you, shut your mouth and walk back out of the door, because when they are really connected to you, they will be happy for you when you share your dream. Find somebody, look in the eye, and say are you happy for me? If you don’t get the right reaction, don’t tell them anything else.

Don’t worry about the people he took. Clap your hands and be thankful for the people he sent.

My Memoir Kickstart

I’ve been in Isle of Palms and at the beach to kick start resuming the memoir that I started in the summer of 2020. It’s painful for me to drudge up all my old stuff, my childhood wounds, and traumatic memories that reflect the old me but it’s a necessity to heal and tell my story for others survival guide. Here’s a snippet of one of my goodbyes to a narcissist.