I recently read something that said marijuana is not a gateway drug, neither is alcohol, nicotine, or caffeine. The gateway drug is trauma. Our gateway drug is neglect, abandonment, and betrayal and mostly from our childhood.

I was in a restaurant after reading that and a middle-aged man was sitting at the bar in the middle of the day, ordering shots. I stood behind him close to the hostess stand and listened to him carefully dictate how he wanted his shots. I couldn’t help but think I wonder what this man has been through that he just wanted to numb his pain so fast. Had he been abandoned, sexually abused, just fired (betrayed), what happened to him? As all those questions entered my mind, I just caught myself feeling bad for him. I wasn’t judging him or questioning his middle-of-the-day drinking. Maybe that’s how we should look at everyone doing things that we think might be out of the ordinary.

I think we get in a state of judgment and forget that behind the alcoholic, drug addict, prostitute, homeless man or woman lies a soul that has been handed some pain that they never asked for in their life. They didn’t ask to be born or ask for what trauma happened to them. Maybe they’ve managed the best they could with no real guidance or real love from anyone. Not everyone is blessed with a support system. Not everyone gets a 2nd chance.

We’ve got to start looking at people like they are all wounded because we are all wounded. Everyone has something rather they know it or admit it.

People need help. They don’t need to be judged, criticized, or have church doors slammed in their face because they don’t look or act a certain way. The only way I know is just to love the pain out of people. Love them the best you can and listen to them. Some just need to share their trauma through their stories.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

As I’ve been blogging, you know I’m in a peaceful place right now. I came across this image and it summed up why I have peace.

Things that are out of my control are great reminders. It’s like I said in the “Love Lessons” post, most people are just for a season and serve a reason in your season of life. We have to remember this when we have no idea why they abandon or betray our relationship. What others think of me is none of my business. That’s their opinion with their brain.

Healing from the past takes time, especially from old wounds of childhood but little by little and day by day, you just start to let it go. The scars may stay forever but the battle is over and it’s time to move on. Hanging on to memories of the past only keep us bound to those memories. The more we think, ponder and replay the movie in our head, the more power we are giving that thought.

And of course, you know we cannot control the weather. We have to take the good with the bad or we’d never appreciate the good. In Dolly’s words, “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain!”

I hope this helps someone today. Save the image, print it out, put it in your phone, on your refrigerator, and let it serve as a reminder. Prayers for healing and peace to you. 💫 💕

If I could give you anything from all my experiences, I’d give you a gift of self-care. It is a must that you take care of yourself. We are all exhausted mentally and emotionally.

Since I’ve been on my media detox, my quality of life has improved. I’m not waking up to how many people are sick or died. I’m not listening to the new wave of high crime or the enormous amount of people poverty-stricken in our society. Political spats and ridiculous ridiculing others for their convictions. I’m not on edge every day because of a tragedy that I have zero control over. I promise if you turn off the tube you will not miss anything. They’ll still be talking about the same thing or something similar next week and next month.

I also don’t miss the comparison of life on social media. Look what I bought, look what I did, what I ate, where I went, who I’m with, or how wonderful my life looks. Which doesn’t mean it necessarily is wonderful. That’s why I call it Fakebook. Please don’t misunderstand, we (me too) love sharing our stuff with our friends but some just overshare and many of our friends and followers start comparing. Supposedly studies show that social media is causing depression among many due to comparing which some equate to competing. We should never compare or compete with anyone at any time. Each person has their path.

I want you to take care of yourself like you would your children, your parents, your best friend. It’s easy to tell our friends and family to take care but are we doing it for ourselves? Times have changed since March of 2020. We are living under a black cloud of sickness, death, failing businesses, a level of fear like we’ve never thought about experiencing in our lifetime, and uncertainty with no promise of an end in sight. Our nervous system was not built for what we are experiencing plus our stuff before the pandemic.

Be kind to yourself. Tell others they’ll have to wait. Turn off the tv, phone, and social media for an hour, a day, and see how you feel. Pretend you went on a cruise with no cell, internet, or cable service. Then do you! Give everyone around you the best of you not the rest of you. 💕

My entire life I have been in sales and it’s been protocol to repeatedly ask and sometimes beg for business. It’s part of a sales role, especially when you’re in a competitive industry. I find it exhausting to ask, beg or make people do something that they don’t want to do.

I’ve also been a fixer my whole life. Let me see what I can do to mend the relationship, repair damage, to apologize when I did nothing wrong. I find that exhausting too.

Last year at this time I was a beggar and a fixer. I’ve graduated and now I’m not either one of those. I have come to realize I am not responsible for making everything better for everyone. If one cannot see the value in something and its benefits or the value in a friendship, then I shouldn’t force it.

Sometimes we have to just let it be. Let people miss something, let them miss relationships. Some are only grateful when they do miss something or someone. You know the saying, “you don’t miss something or someone until they are gone.” It’s true for some people.

Forcing pieces or people that don’t fit is like putting a square peg in a round hole. Let your heartbreak from not getting the account or the friend that betrayed you. Trust that God closed that door and has something better. Forcing things not meant to be is a waste of time. Let it be, let them go, and move on.

God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have compassion on you.
Deuteronomy 30:3

Day 2 of my media detox has come to a close. If you want to know how I feel, I tried to find a quote or write one on peace but I wasn’t resonating with anything but this picture. It describes exactly how I feel. I feel like a chilled glass of wine looking at the ocean, perhaps the French Riviera with the wind blowing on a sandy shore.

I cannot emphasize enough the peace I feel. I know my life revolves a lot around sports schedules, especially football but it has been so wonderful not to have a schedule for sports, news, or my shows. All I hear is music and silence. It is refreshing and I’m loving it.

I love my friends and appreciate every follower on social media but it is also wonderful to take a break and not be on any social media platform. This is a first for me to detox from all platforms.

So what have I been doing? I’ve read so far a lot. Downloaded the Kindle app (since I don’t have a Kindle) and started a book highly recommended by a friend “Experiencing God”. I also downloaded a daily devotion, which I enjoy called “He Whispers Your Name”. I’m working on finding a self-help book to read.

I’ve also finished my vision board, my goals, my dreams for this year. I watched my church online. I’ve cooked, discovered I love my besties collard greens, worked out, drank lots of tea, and started a new diet which is an old one. I’ve spoken to all of my 5 Confidants aka tribe members, which one invited me to Columbia (the country not Tennessee 😁) after learning I’m applying for my passport this month. Life is already getting exciting.

I’m calm and very happy. I highly recommend this to anyone. Sometimes we just need to shut off the world and make our world as we need it. Creating space for tranquility, creativity, and nourishing our soul is priceless. It’s so empowering to say this isn’t serving me and walk away.

Happy New Year to you! As you may have read on social media or in my blog last Sunday that I’m doing a media detox for January. Before the ball dropped last night, I turned off the television last night at approximately 11 pm and turned on Bishop T. D. Jake’s New Year’s Eve service. My number one goal for 2022 is to be guided on my spiritual path and serve my purpose. Bishop Jakes said if you wanna know if you’re serving your purpose, not only will you be blessed but you will be blessing others.

As I have blogged many times before we are not just here to work, pay bills, and buy material things. We are here to help each other, pay forward our blessings and not only say we love each other but show love. I often think we overuse the phrase “I love you” because do we show love as much as we say it? In 2022 I’m watching for words and actions to match. If you say you love me, show me. Remember the 5 Love Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

I think having these 5 love languages on a post-it note on our bathroom mirror or on our refrigerator or wherever we see them daily can serve as a reminder to us that we need to show love to those we love.

We must also remember that each person can only love to their capacity. Some are 10 gallons and some are pint-size. If we are a 10-gallon person and we are not getting enough love from a pint-size person then just know they are giving their all and that’s all they can do.

And some people will only love you conditionally. Constituents – They are not into you; they are into what you are for. Comrades – These people are not for you, nor are they for what you are for. It is just that they are against what you are against.

You will have only a very few Confidants in your life. They usually equate to 4-6 in your lifetime. The same amount of posts that hold up a deck. This is all you need.

And let’s not forget that sometimes we pour so much into folks we love and never get back what we need because they are toxic, cross boundaries and lack respect. This is called “Watering Weeds”.

I believe we can all agree that what the world needs now is more love. We need to not only say it but do it and know the lessons in love. Knowing the languages, people’s capacities, and knowing that some people only love you for what you are for or against should always serve as a reminder that some are just for a season and/or a reason. And some are just weeds no matter how much you love them, they are never going to bloom. Yes! These are the lessons in love.

I wrote the following on one of my social media platforms with a group of friend pictures that have been in my 2021 chapter. The post was just for my friends (not a public post). It was a reminder to me and for them about what I’ve lived and what I’ve learned in 2021.

💫I keep saying “Yesterday is gone, it doesn’t exist and it’s just a memory.” Indeed, it doesn’t exist and all we have is memories. Memories that I am grateful for in my life. These people and memories got me through 2021.

💔2021 was one of the most bittersweet years for me ever. I had my heart broken twice but through my heartbreaks, I learned who loved me including God.

💞I learned that we don’t have a promise of tomorrow. Each person that passed this year had plans. They had plans for birthdays, Christmas, vacations, and life. Sadly they did not get to do their plan. And through losing so many friends I know we gotta live for today. Check your bucket list, make that phone call, visit that friend, don’t live with regrets because you didn’t do it.

🙏🏼 I’m so thankful for each experience even the heartbreaking ones. It was the heartbreaking ones that led me to my awakening, to my new life. And when I look back on the memories and how each person played an intricate role, I cry tears of joy because they listened to their intuition, to that voice inside, to the God in them.

📣 In my mother’s words “if I die tonight”, I leave you this…live your best life. Don’t wait! Support your friends, you can never have too many supporters. Match your words and actions. If you say you love then show your love. Listen to that voice inside of you like your life depends on it because sometimes it does. Remember everyone is wounded and they don’t have to admit it. Just love them anyway the best you can. Forgive those who don’t ask for forgiveness. Sometimes closure is only a word and we never get it. Take care of yourself! Your mental health is so important! Don’t forget to be still so you can hear. Pray, meditate and listen, it’s how you learn your path and what God is trying to tell you. And be thankful for everything. Rain makes rainbows 🌈.

Wishing you the best of everything in 2022. 💫🥂🎉

Love to all ❤️ DH

I’m not a Sex In The City follower but I have watched the most recent and newest episodes. In one episode (spoiler alert) Carrie is advised by Charlotte and Miranda to H. A. L. T. after Big dies. Maybe I’ve been under a rock but I learned that H. A. L. T is a real acronym that stands for Hungry -Angry -Lonely- Tired. I’m intrigued now.

I researched and read more about H. A. L. T. In German it means “stop” and in recovery, it means don’t make any decisions when you are feeling any of these. Most recovery articles refer to addicts recovering from alcohol and drugs but in my world and for many others, recovery is about recovering from emotionally abusive relationships, trauma bonding, and childhood wounds. Recovery means to return to a normal state of health, mind, and strength. We are healing while we are recovering. It makes sense to H. A. L. T during recovery.

Hungry – we all know we can’t think when we are hungry. We also can’t make good decisions. This is why we become more impulsive and reach for anything when we are hungry. If we can’t make good decisions and choices in food then we more than likely shouldn’t make other decisions, especially big ones. Eat first, think, act.

Angry – never make a decision or react when we are mad. Don’t reply to that text message, email, or voice your thoughts until you have calmed down. If we must get it out. Write a letter (not email) but do not mail it. Just write everything we want to say to get it out of our system. Once it’s out then we can proceed with responding. Again don’t make any decisions.

Lonely – isolation is a breeding ground for depression. While we think we are connecting to people electronically we are not connecting emotionally. When we are lonely we tend to have pity parties and make decisions based on our feelings and not facts. Don’t let loneliness and depression be what drives us on our decision. Wait until we are in a better place.

Tired – this just doesn’t pertain to not getting enough sleep but it pertains to being emotionally tired. Don’t make decisions when we are short on sleep, didn’t sleep well or emotionally drained. If we are living with emotionally draining vampires such as controllers, narcissists, emotional abusers, think about getting away solo to make decisions, especially major ones.

Recovery is a process and it’s a lifestyle that you will have good days and bad days. Just remember on those bad days to H. A. L. T before proceeding with a decision. We shouldn’t cling to toxic when we are lonely. Give in to controllers when we are tired. Say hurtful words we can’t take back when we are angry. Make poor choices or decisions when we are hungry.