Resisting change is our norm and I believe the older we get the more challenging it becomes. But why do we resist it? Fear perhaps due to the unknown. Changes in relationships, friends, and family all can be especially challenging, painful, and instill fear.

I’ve had more changes with relationships in the past 2 years than in my entire life. Changes in losing loved ones, family, changes with friends, and even professional relationships. When I question the changes I conclude these reasons for changes.

• That life is just one chapter after another.
• We know that we are born to live and die with no guarantee of another minute. As painful as that is, we know it and have to accept it.
• Pain drives the actions of people that have nothing to do with us.
• It’s none of our business what people think about us. Their thoughts are their thoughts.
• We are all on different paths and we can’t all stay together.

If we all stay together all the time then we can never meet another teacher or teach another student. If all the ballplayers stay together after the Super Bowl or World Championship then they can never teach the others how to achieve such a high level of winning. I think we are dispersed to others to teach and help those that need us. I believe it’s part of connecting the dots. If we stay in the same relationships and places then we can never move to the next dot.

When we think that life is turning upside down, a chapter has closed, a relationship has dissolved or moved away then we need to try to allow it. Know there is another dot coming soon. And as we journey to the next dot there is space and in that space we are alone. Alone to hear answers to our prayers, soul searching and preparing for the next chapter, the next dot. We can’t see it yet but it’s there. Trust it, believe it and watch for it. Allow what it is and what it shall be.

Confession..the old me was real quick to react, respond, reply and let my emotions rule my mouth. Those who have known me for years, I see you laughing and shaking your head “yes”. News flash…I’m not that person now. I’m healing and I’m trying with all my strength to not let my feelings load my mouth like a Smith and Wesson automatic.

I’ve learned that not everyone deserves my time and energy. I’ve learned that silence is my friend, my ally, and a great attribute when I’m full of emotion. Learning to sit with our feelings and recognize the emotion but not letting it take us is powerful. Recognizing what hurts us the most, makes us angry, or upsets us should be a muscle that needs to be worked out. Some parts of us may need rehab.

I say no response is a response but that doesn’t mean you can’t sit on it for a day or two or even three depending on the circumstances. Addressing a painful issue needs to be addressed with intellect and not emotion. We can say we are hurt or angry without calling everyone in the room a name. Cussing folks out does not repair the situation. And even if we are not trying to repair it, so what if we do cuss them out. In some cases, we are just confirming what they probably already know. It ain’t like they don’t know what they are, most folks do if they are honest with themselves.

Practicing the strength of silence is like a workout. The more you do do it, the better you get at it. That doesn’t mean you can’t cry into your pillow or hit a tree with a baseball bat. That just means think about your words before they are spoken and your actions before they are done. Remember we can never take back the sticks and stones once they are thrown.

Every job I’ve ever worked had the same rule. When I worked processing contracts for an international company, they said “Don’t Cherry Pick” the contacts. When I sold cars and bartended they said “Don’t Cherry Pick” the customers. Take each contract and each customer as they come.

We tend to cherry-pick like we are in line at a Las Vegas casino buffet. One of our favorite cherry-picking choices comes when we want to throw our opinions on a matter that has zero to do with us. We cherry pick scriptures and quotes but skip over scriptures like “Judge not, that ye be not judged” Matthew 7:1 and “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.“ John 8:7. We skip over them like they don’t exist.

We can easily forget that no man is without sin. Not a soul is perfect. Our glasshouses are full of cracks, holes, and damage from us throwing our rocks at others because they are human just like me and you. Let me say it again, we are ALL wounded, we are ALL made in his image, we ALL bleed red. It’s not that blacks are more violent because they rioted. It’s not that whites are more violent because they stormed the Capitol. Skin color has zero to do with it.

Not once in the Bible does it mention a skin color but it does mention the heart. It does mention the Pharisees who Jesus calls hypocrites, the Bible mentions the betrayers, the judges, and the liars. We can get it twisted like a peppermint candy cane real fast. We can talk out of both sides of our mouth when it isn’t about us.

We must stay focused on “First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” and quit cherry-picking what we want to apply to other’s lives when it has zero to do with us.

How often have we made ourselves smaller around others just to conform? I know I have. Making ourselves less than or lowering our perspective does not bring out the best in us. It’s right up there with Don’t Settle as I blogged last week.

I had a friend get a new car recently. She didn’t tell me and when I saw it, I was super excited for her, and I was also screaming “why didn’t you tell me?” Her perspective was that it was not that exciting or that big of a deal. I had to disagree with her. If you are in a position to get a new car, then you are blessed to earn money to pay for it. You’re able to drive with no physical or mental disabilities. You got the luxury to pick the color and options for the vehicle and not settle for whatever then that is a tall position. Not everyone is in that position. We may think everyone is in that position but look around and think about it. I’m sure you know someone right now that is not in that position.

It doesn’t matter if you think, believe, or accept, that my friend is a blessing. We should be screaming Thank you Jesus for the opportunities we have that allow us to get nice things. For opportunities that come our way that we sometimes can’t believe can happen. Making ourselves smaller and lowering our perspective will never be an asset when we are built to be tall and full of greatness. We are blessed with gifts and talents that allow us to bless others.

I encourage you to do you every day. Whatever talent and gift you have that creates opportunities for you, utilize it to your full capacity. Don’t hold back on what that brings to you. If you are blessed, say it and make sure you give credit where credit is due, to yourself and your creator. Remember you can never get taller by lowering the measuring stick.

I grew up hearing that scripture. I’ve heard different interruptions on it including don’t defile the temple where God lives. This meant don’t drink alcohol, smoke, and in some cultures and religions, don’t eat meat or pork. While I respect everyone’s interpretation and beliefs, I interrupt it and apply it to my life differently.

I believe guarding your heart means don’t expose it to toxic people. We must protect ourselves by not allowing those with bad intentions and toxic traits to hurt our hearts. Once we are aware that someone is toxic or they have bad intentions, it is up to us to protect our hearts.

It’s as simple as locking your door so the thief doesn’t come in and steal from you. Even the birds of the air and animals in the wild are born with the instinct to protect themselves. If you’ve ever witnessed an abused animal then you know they are timid and unsure if they can trust you. They are essentially protecting themselves.

We have the same instinct and the right to protect our hearts. Once someone has proven time and time again that they will crush your heart, we must protect it and put a guard dog at the gate. I have a saying, “the first time you hurt me, shame on you, the second time, shame on me.” Maya Angelou said it best.

WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME.

Now here is the most challenging part, they are blood. I understand that more than I have shared. Let me say that some of the most poisonous and toxic folks are people you did not choose and they did not choose you.

Family is not just what you are born into. They are those who come to us in times of dire straits, they are the ones checking on us when we are silent and can only communicate in tears. they understand that the past does not exist and yesterday is only a memory. Holding on and ruminating on things that are done cannot repair the damage. We’ve got to let go of that painful memory, forgive and move forward.

“Forgiveness is about empowering yourself,
rather than empowering your past.”
– T. D. Jakes

We can forgive and love each other by not continuing to bring up a painful past. I believe we can love each other while guarding our hearts. As one shrink told me, “remember just because a lion is a cat does not mean you can allow them to get close to you. Don’t forget they will eat you alive if you allow them to get close enough.“ Above all else guard your heart!

I found this picture that describes my week. The word for this week is CHAlleNGE! But you cannot spell challenge without change.

Challenges always bring changes. It doesn’t matter what it is, goals at work, fitness, learning a new skill, they all make you change and most of the time for the better. And that’s where I am now. With every challenge I have encountered this week, I’ve realized it’s a change that needed to be made. Rather I saw that it needed to be made or God saw the bigger picture and made the change.

We have to trust challenges that bring changes. I believe the challenge of the pandemic has brought changes we could never think possible. Some changes we may like and some we may not but we have to trust that it was all for the best and that’s the way the dots connected. The teacher is always present making us stronger and better.

We have to remember that if those challenges bring changes that shut doors, we should be thankful for the doors that shut that protected us from something worse. And it can always be worse. I know it’s hard to say “thankful I broke down in the driveway and not on the road.” but being thankful for what it’s not should always be said.

Let’s embrace the challenge. Be thankful for doors that closed to protect us. Allow the teacher to teach. And remember to speed up and keep going, we wanna see what happens if we don’t give up.

I had someone who didn’t know me invite me to church. As she handed me a small postcard that promoted her church, I took her postcard but politely declined it and shared my Sunday morning ritual with her. Coffee in bed, phone on do not disturb while watching T.D. Jakes online for over 10 years.

She was familiar with Bishop Jakes. She was very quick to say she liked him but he needed to lose weight. I decided to let that go and not respond since our relationship was professional but the feeling of body shaming came up in me so quickly that I had to find the nearest exit sign and exit.

Here are the issues with this scenario. One she was so loyal to her church that she kept marketing material in her purse. Next, she loved her church enough that she wanted to share it with me. She was representing but what was she representing? Her free will, unsolicited opinion on what I was loyal to and what I loved. Which was referring to my bishop as “fat”. See how that worked? Her invite, marketing material, and church spill were all in vain after she threw stones at what I loved.

She followed up with me by texting and asking if I had visited or watched online. This time I was not polite and I firmly told her no and that I would not be watching or attending due to my loyalty to my ritual. Again, she reiterated that Bishop Jakes was overweight. “He needs to do something about his distended abdomen. We need him in better shape.”

After that text message and her reiterating her opinion, my thoughts changed to what has she experienced that has brought her to body shame others? What wound does she have that she feels superior enough to throw stones at what I love? Why is she promoting her church as a source of love when she is not representing that to me? I decided to meet her where she was and let that go. I may never have the answers to my questions, I’ll just conclude she is wounded and she is probably unknowingly bleeding on others by throwing stones at what others embrace and body shaming folks. But one question does remain what is she representing?

Recently, I went to an old rock star concert from the 80s. Before she came on, I rushed to the front to be with the real rockers, the real fans of my era. As I stood in awe of the performer and I looked around at the people that surrounded me, I noticed I was in a state of gratitude. I was thankful for the fine lines, gray hair, and bald heads that surrounded me.

I’ve always respected the wisdom that comes with age. In high school, I quickly became friends with the seniors and juniors when I was a sophomore. I knew to learn the ropes of going to a new school I had to learn from the upper classmates.

Growing up I gravitated toward my older cousins and older friends in the church so I could learn from them. I was always the youngest in my group of peers. I chose that so I could know more than I was supposed to for my age.

Today, I believe that generation does not exist. Because of technology, you do not have to get around the older and wiser to learn. You can barricade yourself in with your laptop and learn all you want to by watching videos and reading. But no matter how much you watch, read or listen nothing comes close to hands-on learning from experience.

Learning from experiencing it. As my friend calls it “bumping your head” is the best teacher. When you learn from the experience you never forget it. You might repeat it several times but you eventually catch on and you don’t forget it. And with that comes the fine lines, the gray hairs, the wisdom that we’ve earned.

Being older and wiser used to earn you respect but I’m not so sure about that now either. Because of technology we’ve raised a smarter generation who believes smarter is better than wiser. If you’re not sure of that then share your wisdom with someone half your age and watch them look at you crazy.

I’m thankful for my generation. My lack of technology pushed me to learn from others, to respect my elders for their wisdom. Understanding that hands-on and bumping my head was the best teacher. It earned my gray hair and fine lines and I’m happy that it did.