Snuggling with Demons: My Journey Through the Dark

I’m in a dark place, not only as an individual, but I also sense a pervasive darkness within our society, our nation, and the world at large. I’ve navigated similar shadows before. The wisdom of my therapist echoes in my mind: “Recognize your demons, snuggle with them.” This powerful advice resonates deeply, urging me to embrace my emotions fully. It’s about acknowledging the darkness, allowing it to reside without judgment, rather than suppressing it, which only leads to its manifestation in unhealthy behaviors. It’s a reminder to be present with the difficult feelings, to not fight them, but to sit with them, understand them, and allow them to pass through me.

For me, darkness isn’t the end; it’s a spotlight on my core values. When things get difficult, my beliefs accentuate, acting as a compass through the unknown but hauntingly familiar. I treat each dark period as an essential learning curve. It teaches me what I value, what I won’t tolerate, and who I can lean on. Navigating these dark seasons feels like finding my way through a pitch-black room. Even in new surroundings, movement feels instinctual. It’s much like getting back on a bicycle. My soul remembers how to find its balance.

There is a profound self-appreciation that grows in the shadows. I may not be capable of seeing the door or the destination, but I don’t need to. I have enough light within me to navigate the ‘now’ until the ‘next’ appears.

I find my current experience echoed in the words of the 17th-century poet Mizuta Masahide:

‘Barn’s burnt down—now I can see the moon.’

It is a beautiful reminder that there is a light found only when we sit with our grief and pain. By accepting the darkness rather than fighting it, we don’t just survive. We gain a clearer view of the things that truly matter. Is there a ‘moon’ you’ve discovered only after your own barn burnt down? I’d appreciate hearing your story in the comments.

The Shoes that Hurt: A Lesson in Boundaries

Have you ever bought something based on a label or the brand name? We’ve all done it bought something just because of the brand name. That shiny label promises quality, but sometimes we get just an expensive lie.

This happens with people, too. In my recent experience, I got hung up on a person with a high degree and an impressive title. I quickly became enthralled with them based on their social status.

While I was enthralled with their status and label, I also felt uncomfortable with them pushing my boundaries. It was kind of like a designer pair of shoes that hurt your feet. You keep thinking that these shoes are better than this, but the excruciating foot pain is a reminder that it’s only the label, and the shoes are not the quality that the label advertises.

They kept pushing my boundaries and I kept thinking this feels uncomfortable, but surely this is not their intention.

Sadly I learned that when I held my boundaries, they ended the relationship. I was initially taken aback but then I remembered my instinct knew better than I. My instinct told me they were pushing my boundaries and they were not as good as their social status or the label that I bought into.

This experience was a kind reminder from God to show me that I had grown. I had recognized a mask, the discomfort of when one pushes my boundaries, and I cannot buy into labels, social status, titles, financial status, or what seems to be.

I’m thankful for the people who come into my life, their masks so perfectly and delicately worn that I don’t see them at first. But I’m even more thankful for my growth-for the small voice within that now whispers, ‘This is not what it seems to be.’ It’s a reminder that titles and labels are not always what they seem.

What’s a ‘label’ you’ve had to walk away from?”

Stay on the Trail

I wrote this in 2023 but never published it. Last year I was sitting in my vehicle waiting to meet my realtor when a small Eastern Bluebird flew onto my rear view mirror. He was so bright that he looked animated. He just sat looking at me. After being mesmerized for several minutes I reached for my phone to take a picture but he flew off. It was as if he was saying this is your sign not a shared sign. That same day I found my dream condo.

That moment was so significant to me that I knew it was a sign. I came home for a quick Google search to prove how powerful this moment might have been and learn more about the bird and its meaning. According to Google “Bluebirds are considered a sign that good luck is just around the corner,” “Usually, right after a time of tremendous difficulty, the bluebird comes to bring good fortune in all things such as love, money, healing, and happiness.”

I haven’t seen another bluebird since last year until the other day when I was walking the Beltline. She flew on top of a sign that said “Stay on the Trail”. I stopped mid-step to get a picture. As I started taking pictures I kept moving closer to the bird and she didn’t seem to mind. She actually seemed to pose moving from front to side.

This year has been one of the most challenging years. From finances to health issues it’s been like clockwork every first of the month. So much has happened this year but I can look back and already see that it took A for B to happen. It took B to happen so that C would happen. I can already see how it’s unfolding.

In my heart, I believe the Bluebird was a part of synchronicity to say “stay on the trail”. Keep on keeping on because it’s all coming together, I just don’t see it yet. Now is not the time to give up, quit, throw in the towel because everything that has been taken away will come back.

I have to keep reminding myself of the following. Life is not ideal, it’s not even as I imagine, it’s not what I want it to be but the steps ordered for me are better than what I can imagine, better than ideal or what I want. I have to remember that fear and faith cannot simultaneously exist. What is meant for me will come to me. Every seed I plant will produce fruit. As a preventative heartbreak, don’t become attached to outcomes. Learn to observe it and let it go. And always be thankful for the “haves” and don’t complain about the “have-nots”.

Have you ever received an unexpected sign that guided you through a difficult time? I’d love to hear about it. May we all remember to ‘stay on the trail, ever when the path ahead isn’t clear.

The Art of Unloving: Releasing What No Longer Serves You

Have you ever fallen out of love? I think we all know what it’s like to fall in love. We fall in love with people, activities, things like wine, art, vehicles, furniture, soft, fuzzy blankets, and robes, but then one day we wake up and think, “I am not in love with you anymore.” And just like that, you stop drinking your favorite wine, you take down the art, you trade your vehicle, you sell your furniture, and your favorite fuzzy blanket and robe that gave you comfort for so many years suddenly end up in the Goodwill pile. But what do we do with the human beings in our lives?

Do we just toss them? Like we do with our other items. Every fiber of our being screams that the love is gone, but we remain, fearing the hurt that comes with saying goodbye, both for us and for them. Or maybe we stay because we have this common ground we share.

I’ve been there and I’ve done that more than once. I have abandoned myself and what I needed to live a pretend life that I thought I could survive. I thought just one or two more years to survive this. I set these goals in my mind, thinking that if I can just count down the days, I won’t feel so miserable. I’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel, and all will be well with my soul. Well, that’s the thing, our soul is not well because it is not getting what it needs. Maybe it needs something it’s never had and not a substitute.

Often, when our soul isn’t getting what it truly needs, we find ourselves turning to substitutes. Instead of taking a breath and counting to 10, we pop a pill. Instead of taking a walk, we pour a glass of wine, instead of sitting in stillness and waiting to see what comes up, we hope retail therapy resolves it. How long do we go, and how many years do we substitute things and even people for what we really need? How long do we hold on knowing it’s not what’s best for us? I reflect back and know I have spent more than half of my life substituting, holding on, and counting down.

Life is short and it’s precious! Yes! That cliche. But it’s so true. Sometimes I think, what if tomorrow I woke up and found out I was terminally ill? What would I do? I won’t say for sure because we truly do not know what we will do in those situations, but I do believe I would no longer substitute, hold on, count down, or hold my breath and abandon myself for anybody or any reason.

I think if we ask ourselves the question of if today is your last day on earth, what would you do? Would you set yourself free by releasing others? Releasing in love and acceptance. Just allow that you are not in love with them, and that’s okay. People fall in love and fall out of love, and they grow together and grow apart. And just like the wine, the art, the car, the furniture, and the fuzzy blanket and robe, they just no longer serve you or their purpose.

When Nobody Is Looking

Do you know the definition of integrity? The first definition of Merriam Webster’s dictionary says  “firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values”’. My definition is the true individual when they think nobody is looking.

I have as a background picture on one of my social media accounts the words “You’d be surprised who’s watching your journey. Don’t quit!” Isn’t there someone always watching? Remember Tess in Oceans Eleven said You of all people should know, Terry, in your hotel, there’s always someone watching.

I believe there is always someone watching or at the very least paying attention. Typically people watchers do not make an announcement. They sit quietly observing, scrutinizing and critiquing people’s moves. Much like our mothers knew everything we did behind their backs like they had eyeballs in the back of their head. We think they don’t know but they know.

And whatever people do when they think nobody is paying attention, that’s the truest form of that person. That’s about as raw as we will ever see them because they think nobody is watching.

Let’s jump to Maya Angelou’s famous quote, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” I know we don’t want to believe but believe them. Believe that you are witnessing the truest form of someone, believe the narrative they paint to give themselves a label. Believe that they think you don’t know. They often believe their own lies, therefore they think you do too.

Believe me when I say someone is always watching. What is it you are doing when you think nobody’s paying attention? What is it that we are doing when we think nobody is looking? Understanding our true selves, even when we think no one is watching is part of the healing journey and self acceptance.

It’s Always Something

I’d like to start by expressing my deepest gratitude to God for the complete healing since the incident in 2023. I also want to thank myself for honoring my faith and for the strength I found within myself throughout this journey. Finally, I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to my incredible community of supporters who carried me through every step of the way.

You’ve likely heard the saying, “It’s always something.” And I agree, it truly is. There’s always something happening with our homes, jobs, relationships, health, finances, and the list goes on. We often find ourselves waking up and going to bed with a constant stream of challenges.

I’ve certainly had my fair share of “somethings” throughout my life. However, as 2025 approached, I began to shift my focus. I started thinking deeply about the goals I wanted to achieve and dreaming big about the future I envisioned. To help me stay on track, I ordered a custom planner and uploaded my vision board to the cover. Inside, I meticulously outlined every single goal, complete with detailed plans and strategies for achieving them.

But just as I ordered my planner, another “something” unexpectedly appeared. And as soon as that subsided, another one followed close behind.

We all understand this – “it’s always something.” These unexpected obstacles can easily derail us from our goals, dreams, and the pursuit of our best lives. Each time a “something” arises, it demands our attention, distracting us from the path we’ve set out on.

While we’re busy handling these constant “somethings,” life continues to move forward. We inadvertently abandon ourselves each time we allow ourselves to be consumed by these distractions instead of staying focused on our intended course.

I am determined to remain mindful of this and maintain my focus. I’m actively speaking affirmations and declaring my intention to stay the course. I will not allow these “somethings” to distract me, because I know there will always be something. I hope you will join me with the commitment in 2025.

Stripped Searched

It’s been nearly a year since the familiar rhythm of writing flowed through me. I felt abandoned, much like countless other losses I have endured.

It’s taken me this long to understand my experience and my journey this past year. A year ago, my health took an unexpected turn. After spending a week in the hospital with a team of 8 physicians, it’s only now that I’m starting to feel like myself again.

The best way to describe the past year is I was stripped of everything to be searched. Stripped of my health including mental, and emotional health, my relationships, friends, job, and finances. My survival mode included hope and the constant thought “When you’re down to nothing, God is up to something.”

The deep pain of abandonment I felt during my 9 month recovery I couldn’t understand. I assumed and expected those I have poured my heart, soul, and energy into would return the same. I now understand that love is not a boomerang and doesn’t always return from the same sources.

Isolation became my involuntary teacher. Isolation is dangerous, but if you believe there is a purpose for it, then you know sometimes it presents itself as an opportunity to search the soul, through being mindful, practicing consciousness, prayer , and seeking a different path.

The path that leads you to know not everyone deserves to hear our story. It takes courage to share our deepest pain and sharing it with the wrong people can only deepen our suffering. We share for compassion, acceptance, and connection not for judgment, shame, sympathy (bless your heart), disappointment, comparing stories, or minimizing the story by saying “You should be thankful it wasn’t worse.” Just because it wasn’t worse doesn’t soften the pain.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”- Maya Angelou

Don’t misunderstand me, I am thankful. I’m thankful to know I am still here because I have a purpose. I’m thankful for the overhaul of relationships, the replacements who became my new community and my support group. I’m thankful for friends who reached out to me and supported me through my recovery. Grateful for newly discovered gifts that became a source of income and has allowed me to live my best life. I’m thankful for redirection that has shown me new paths. Paths I would’ve never seen or chosen without being stripped.

I believed I had lost everything but because we think, feel, and believe we have lost everything and are alone doesn’t make it facts.

It took the process of stripping me of everything I thought I needed to be searched. I searched to find compassion for myself, to face my fears, and to deepen my faith in God. Just like being searched at the airport, sometimes we are called to dump everything we have in that moment to have our stuff removed just so we can get through the process and to get to the other side of what is waiting for us.

In Jesus Name

When my son was in college he was like most college students and trying to find his way in life. It’s not unusual at this time to question what you believe or question your core values. We’ve all been there at twenty-something.

I remember specifically going to visit him at his work one weekend. During one of our conversations, he alluded to the fact that he was not sure about what he believed regarding God. My heart sank and tears started coming up. I could barely contain my tears or emotions before walking out the door of the store. I was too emotional to respond to him the way I wanted to respond. But baby let me tell you when I got in my truck it was a whole nother story!

When I got in my truck in Chattanooga TN to about Rome GA, I prayed and cried to God like never before in my life. I cried, beat my steering wheel, prayed out loud, and screamed for God to hear my prayer and my cry. I asked God to reveal himself to my son no matter what it took. Let him know that God is real!

I went old school rebuking devils that tried to twist the mind of the child that we dedicated to God. A child that was planted in me as a gift to me and his daddy. A child that I had in Christian school for 2 years to plant seeds. A child that grew up seeing multiple Bibles at his Nannie’s home, born into 2 families that believed in God and believed in prayer. His Nana anointed the walls of the house during my pregnancy. It took all my strength to pray that and believe that prayer because when you say “reveal yourself” that means do whatever it takes for him to say “I know God is real!”

Sometimes we have to stop everything and pray “In Jesus Name” because it’s all that’s left in hope, healing, and a new lease on life. It’s why our money says “In God we Trust” because, at the end of the day, it’s all we have got. We have to believe in a higher power that can move mountains and do things we cannot comprehend.

No other name is as powerful. It’s the name that will make people argue over if he’s real. It’s the name that has caused wars and deaths among many. It’s the name called out by the nonbelievers when they are desperate. It is the name above all names “In Jesus Name!”

I’m happy to report that today my son believes, prays, and goes to church every Sunday with his wife and is strong in her faith.

Hard Times

If you want to know your capabilities, just wait for hard times, if you want to know how strong your faith is, just wait for hard times, if you want to know your strength and integrity wait for hard times. Run DMC did a song in 1980 called “Hard Times”. The lyrics said, “Hard times spreading just like the flu. Watch out homeboy, don’t let it catch you.” I know Rev Run meant well when he wrote those lyrics but I disagree and say “Let them catch you.” Let them catch you to test you!

I had surgery last week and I had lots of pre-op time to talk to the nurses. It didn’t take long for us to get into a serious conversation about life. I don’t remember what I said exactly (because the anesthesia cocktail was kicking in) but I do remember one nurse looked at me and said “You have real strong faith.” I explained to her that it didn’t just come naturally but it came through years of suffering and pain. I told her when it’s just you and you alone in the dark, all you can do is pray and have faith. And when you witness over and over again saving grace, and situations that you have no idea how you are going to make it, then the situation flips like a light switch with a phone call, a knock at the door, a text message, a total stranger, a drop in your bank account, then you know that there is a God bigger than you and I, a higher power, a guardian angel, unfathomable energy that is almighty and all-knowing always there to perform nothing short of a miracle. That’s how you develop strong faith!

On July 7th I parted ways with my full-time job and started a new journey. A journey that is going to put my faith on another level that I cannot comprehend. From here it looks like more hard times and it very well could be but I know with every fiber in me that my present situation is positioning me to do what I have been called to do and that is continue building my Dealing to Healing project. In less than 30 days I have put much thought into my sessions by adding a tab on my website for sessions and the intricate details of each session. https://dealingtohealing.com/dealing-to-healing-sessions/ I’m also considering a podcast that several have requested but one, in particular, tells me each conversation that it is a must for Dealing to Healing.

I’m not sure how I will find participants for sessions but the one thing I do know is “The Hows are not up to us.” That is a phrase my shrink told me over and over. Leave the how up to God and let divine intervention do its thing.

To anyone reading this and having hard times. Let me implore you that your hard times will test your faith, integrity, strength, and capabilities and hard times WILL test your relationships. If you want to know the true character of who someone is, let hard times come and you will find out who can stay in the boat with you and row and who is a jumper, and who will drill a hole in hopes that you will sink. As I told someone the other day, when someone walks out of your life, let them! Don’t beg, don’t cry, and please don’t ask “why?” because if they don’t want to be with you then why do you want to be with them? Embrace that new chapters and transformation can only happen when doors close, people leave, and hard times come. Sending love and prayers to everyone having hard times!

The Cost of Distractions

Distractions are the number one cause of failure. We miss what someone said because we are distracted by our thoughts of worry or anxiety. Car accidents happen every second because someone is distracted by their thoughts, phone, or music. Distractions in general cause losses.

The apostle Peter almost drowned when Jesus asked him to get out of his boat and walk on the water. He got distracted with fear and began to sink. He allowed fear to be his distraction.

I have a Facebook group for my Enneagram participants. Sometimes I post something personal that is related to the Enneagram. As I told them yesterday in a personal story. Being distracted can cause us to miss our signs. Sad to think we can pray, hope, and meditate on something for months or years but when the answer comes we are so distracted that we miss it. We cannot say that the prayer wasn’t answered if we missed our answer.

Timing is everything too when it comes to signs and not being distracted. The timing has to be right for the seed to grow and the harvest to come in. If we plant tomato plants in the dead of winter we will not get a harvest because the timing was not right.

Does it matter? Sure what if that is the one opportunity and we miss it? Getting to the front of the line to find out you missed something and have to start all over will cause many people to just give up. We’ve witnessed that at a retail store because we missed the one item that didn’t have a price and now we wait for a price check.

Let’s not allow fear, worry, anxiety, or daily distractions to cause us to lose sight of something meant for us. If we are talking with someone let’s give them respect by putting our phones away and listening to them without surfing. They may be giving us a sign or insightful information that we may need. Learn to be present, mindful, and conscious so we don’t miss our harvest.