I Abandoned Myself

One of my Christmas presents was a zip file filled with videos from when my son was young. I opened it and watched the first one with tear-filled eyes and tears streaming. It was December of 1999 and not only was it precious memories of my young son but it was his father who left us too soon and then what I saw next was shocking.

As I watched I saw a version of me that I did not recognize. My appearance was different, not only in just a youthful face but my demeanor, my laugh and everything about me was different. I was the walking dead. It was not only an old version of me but it was a version of me grieving. It was me grieving myself. I was not there for me.

Have you ever looked back and realized the trauma you have survived? Have you ever looked back and realized it was so bad that you were not there for yourself? Not only had I abandoned others emotionally, but I had also abandoned myself. I was there physically but emotionally I had checked out. Numbing pain was all I knew to do.

I was heartbroken and sad for that young girl in that video. She was carrying the pain of abandonment by her parents, she was carrying the grief of losing the love she needed. She was carrying crosses that she was not meant to bear. But there she was showing up the best she knew how to show up. She was doing her best!

And as the tears streamed my tears of sadness went to tears of gratefulness. I started thanking God that I didn’t die while I was that version. I am thankful that I got an opportunity to start healing and be better not only for others but for me. I’m thankful that girl no longer exists. I’m thankful that the right people came into my life to pull me out of my grave. I’m thankful that I got sick of myself.

I pray we all get sick of our old versions of ourselves. I pray we accept those that come into our lives to pull us out of the graves we have dug unconsciously to put ourselves in just to numb our pain. Praying for those who just feel they cannot survive another day. The pain of not receiving the love we need is real but it is not a reason to give up. We are loved by a higher power, a God that keeps waking us up every day because we have a purpose. I pray you look back one day to know this is the truth and see what I saw, the old version of you.