Triggers from Trauma

As you may know, I’ve been on a media detox for 31 days today. I’ve been in a great place, I’m at peace and happy. Since I’m not watching television I heavily rely on my internet. Watching YouTube motivational videos and music. So here I am happy, peaceful, and in my great place but then it happened, Comcast has gone out over 5 times this month! And every single time I’ve been patient and called my community representative for Comcast. But yesterday, when I woke up to not being able to get on my wifi, I lost it. I got mad, lost my patience, and let it consume me.

I had to go work out to work through my anger and try to figure out why it was such a trigger for me. First, I’m not a patient person but I’d been patient. I usually don’t lose my cool over something I can’t control but I had lost my cool and was hot. I walked 3 miles before I figured out the trigger that caused it to consume me.

I thought about the words of my shrink. She once told me that when I came into the world I looked around and said, “nobody knows what the hell they are doing.” It’s was a questionable moment when she told me and with her animated character, I laughed. It took some time for me to realize that being born to a narcissist and a set of parents that abandoned me, I was born into incompetency. See the narcissist is an adult stuck in the mind of a child. They have victim mindsets and play games like a child. Just because they are an adult does not mean they think like one. The narcissist is very immature in the mind and not emotionally healthy. They don’t know what they are doing but they do a great job of faking it until everyone thinks they’ve made it. They are incompetent which by definition means, not having or showing the necessary skills to do something successfully.

My shrink was right, I was born into “nobody knows what the hell they’re doing”. My parents were both faking it trying to make it as emotionally mature parents. I knew just as children and dogs always know the truth that my parents were incompetent. It’s because of their incompetency that I became independent at a very early age. I was living on my own by age 17. I had bought my first house by 23. I was in so many ways ahead of my friends when it came to street smarts and the school of hard knocks because I had no other choice but to survive my situation.

The trauma I experienced was my incompetent parents. My entire life I’ve used that word. It’s a trigger for me and always has been as far back as I can remember. I cannot tolerate when someone has no idea what they are doing but are looking the part. It’s why I’ve said, it’s better to be a thing than look like a thing. I don’t know about you but I want the guy that looks like a doctor to actually know what the hell he is doing on the operating table.

There are far too many folks that are faking it. They’re trying to look like a thing instead of being a thing. They have the look but not the skill set and the truth rears its head when a problem arises. Nothing worse for them because they look dumb, stupid, and incompetent. But also nothing worse for us born to narcissist parents. It’s the trigger that brings up the trauma that lets me know I now need to snuggle with that demon and recognize it before reacting to it moving forward.